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Try to look at the positives. I know how hard it is to watch our kids suffer...at the same time...try to remember the qualities she is gaining from this experience...Not that we WISH it for our kids...but, kids who grow up in situations like ours tend to be more compassionate, resilient, know their own strength, have more insight into themselves/others/relationships, more able to identify feelings...

This could be THE OPPORTUNITY for her to learn how to ask for what she needs in life. And, that, in itself, is a HUGE life skill. Asking for what you NEED to get through a difficult time.

In the grief book I'm reading...she talks about the importance of rising above the situation. In other words, the people who use the abandonment to sort of propel them upwards are the ones who come out ok. Doing the things outside of our comfort zone are the things that will give us the confidence we need to overcome the rejection. Sorta show yourself that you really can do things you never thought you could...I think this could be a great opportunity for your daughter to learn that she REALLY CAN handle this huge change.

Tell her, "You CAN handle this!"


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Agreed. Very nice of you Heather. smile

It's like any life transition, Matt. You're helping your daughter make a transition and I think you'll find she'll do really well with your help and support.

As for your W - you do know she'll need a friend at some point, right? It may not be you, but hopefully she'll find some.

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
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Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Thanks Heather and AJ,
The thing that has me the most worried is that my W comes from a family history of D. My parents are still married (55 years)and VERY few of my relatives have gone through D. The fact that I have seen how badly D has affected my W, the way she has always spoken about how hard it was on her and her brother and mom, I saw first hand how it negatively affected every part of my W's life even now. Added into that is how the MLC has changed my W, how she stopped spending time with the kids, spends long hours at work and with her "friends", how she had the attitude that because my D was a teenager, she didn't need supervision. Ever since her depression my W hasn't made time for the girls when they tried to talk to her or ask her about something. The way my W has been so obsessed with her own body image (always complaining about her weight or how she looked when she was too thin and while maybe not model on cover of Vogue beautiful she is very pretty)and how that may affect her girls body image (it didn't help when she called my 5'1" 105# D19 "getting a bit chubby"!) and how that may affect how my D see's herself. And of course there's the fact that they both are now much more likely to have marriage problems or get a D later in their lives.

While I know that there is much that I can do to help make sure that both my D's get through this and their lives in general the best way possible, I just know that it would have been so much easier (not easy, just easier!) had none of this happened. As I have learned more and more about MLC and the how and why's some people go through them, I have been more able to not "blame" my W. I know it wasn't her choice to go through this but at the same time she did make many poor choices due to her going thru MLC and it does take an effort to not just see this as a series of very immoral, valueless choices that my W made and could have made differently. But like AJ says, she has a right to do what she wants whether I agree with what she choices to do or not or if it's totally different than the person who she used to be would have made.

AJ, you are right about my W needing a friend. Her father is still going through intensive chemo and even if he makes it through this round, he is not going to live forever and she will be very lost, I fear, when that happens. She has always had a hard time with making real friendships. I have seen her just totally stop caring about people she was very close to because of some small perceived slight my W felt they had made towards her. Her friends now are all people she works with and I really think that while they are friendly, if she stopped working with them they wouldn't stay friends with her for long. Whether I could ever be a friend to her in the future is hard to say. The way she is acting now, the attitude she has towards our shared past, the way she wants to blame me for things that aren't at all my fault would make that very hard. If she ever starts to make her way out of her fog and begins to see that she needs to fix herself if she ever wants to truly be "happy", maybe then I would be more able to be a "friend" to her. I also think time is a factor. As more time passes and I am more and more able to build MY life without her, the sting and feelings of betrayal will lessen. Only time will tell.

Thanks again. I truly appreciate all of your thoughts.

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While you wait to see how things go with W (not likely to get better, but that's her's to deal with; you were asked to stay out of it, right?) you can still show your daughters how a healthy relationship should be. i.e. you are their father. They learn how men should treat them by the way their father a) treats their mother b) treats them and c) how he treats other women and people in general.

Does that mean you have to acquiesce to your W's demands and assaults? Nope. You can, and should, stand up for yourself. In part, because you teach your daughters how to handle this type of thing in life. They'll be affected by it at some point in their life either themselves or through somebody close to them. But they will learn how to deal with people, how to live their life, through watching you and how you handle things.

Just like they always have smile

Be you. Be a father. Be a leader. The rest will fall into place and you can deal with it when and if you need to.

The divorce courts of full of people who talk about how their spouse "suddenly" changed. Your spouse might become a friendly person after this. Not likely, but then again, she's changed/changing. This might be the event in her life that helps her to finalize some of the issues she has and break free of the past depression etc. One could hope that happens. Hope for the best, right?

In the meantime, you are the parent. There is no other parent for your daughters for now. Not that they will recognize. But that can change and hopefully will. At some point. Deal with it differently as you need to.

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
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Hi Matt,

I read your response to my post and it is mind blowing how your wife used the same language as mine did when this started. How things would be better, how the kids would be happier and so on. It is also scary how some other family member(s) are really controlling the divorce.

The best thing I can say so far in my case is that it is not working out the way my wife envisioned it. Happy land did not suddenly appear. My three daughters now live with me. My youngest told a friend last night while we were all in the living room playing video games that she would be living here for at least three more years. She is planning on living here with me till she graduates from high school. I guess I am not the psychopath to my daughters as my wife tried to make me.

I hope your situation will improve in good ways. We can both sit back and let our wives spend their families money on lawyers and we don't need to lift a hand to help them.


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VERY BAD DAY!!!
My W, after the big blow up over a CLOCK, has now submitted a Final Divorce Decree. From what is in it I'm certain she did this right after the fight (the date it was submitted was 2 days after the fight, so she went the very next day!). She is now wanting to sell the house I live in and also keep all the money in her retirement after I cashed mine in over the last 2 years as I wasn't making enough money and felt I needed to help financially. Not only that she wants to change her name back to her maiden name! This is a new one as her mother kept her name the same as her husband! You can tell from the content of the decree that she was all ticked off and wanted to just hurt me as much as possible.

One fight over something that, if she had just spoken to me about it and not freaked out, I probably would have just given her. Now I want it and half of her grandmothers estate sale items back. I'm also ready to fight putting my D into the school that she wants as I really don't think that is what's best but I was trying to be cooperative. I now will have to talk to my D14 and see what she thinks. Will she, if she must make a choice, want to live with me or her mother? Does she want me to look into a school district closer. There is a better school that is closer to me but my W doesn't want her going there as it is far from where she lives now. Too bad.

I am very upset about this as my W is doing this because she is angry because I asked to keep a single item! Something that she says I have a right to have but not a "moral right" to have! She wants to keep D14 for every holiday in even # years (Every one!) and I get odd # years. Funny how this is an even # year unh? She listed a bunch of things that were given to us both by her uncle (paintings), the laptop that she wanted to take in place of the clock, all kinds of stuff that she really shouldn't have asked for.

I called my L and his paralegal said that if it isn't what my W and I agreed to she will notify her lawyer that the final decree will need to be "tweaked". I guess this means that I will have time to review everything, not sure how much but I really need to get ready. I had mistakenly thought that maybe my W wouldn't just get angry and make things harder than they have to be. Now I understand that as is typical with an MLC having person, she will do whatever her EMOTIONS tell her to do at that time.

I know I need to be careful as I don't want to do anything out of malice or because I am angry and right now I think it's hard for me to tell the difference between the two. I just want her to think of someone OTHER than herself, just for at least the legal part of this but I now know that is too much to ask. You know on Friday, before I knew she had done this. She called me to talk about which school D14 should go to and why. Asked for some info that she would need to get her registered, etc. I was so nice about it. I even thanked her for talking to me BEFORE she did anything! Now I know she had already put in the divorce decree that D14 MUST go to that school!! It was all a ruse! I noticed that she seemed really nervous at the start of the convo. and I thought it was because of the big blow up she had the last time I saw or spoke to her! No! it was because she had already decided on her own where my D was going to go to school without bothering to even speak to me about it! My God, I'm angry right now.

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Matt, i was just catching up re: you. Sorry to read this
What a horrible development! I think that there must be 'crazy vindictive' in there somewhere. She's really ? well I don't know!!

re: >> I called my L and his paralegal said that if it isn't what my W and I agreed to she will notify her lawyer <<
When will they get back to you ? Did they say?


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

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It is 'the shelling' (war) during the times we trying to put pieces back for ourselves. See if you can redirect your energy somewhere if needed - I am sorry to read of this. Vent mad but keep strong - a weak moment will be to her benefit. See how much you can avoid her a much as possible - relatively speaking of course. p.

Last edited by pbetra; 08/04/14 09:23 PM.

pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

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Matt,

I am sorry for the latest development in your sitch.

You say:

I now will have to talk to my D14 and see what she thinks.

No, you don't. You're running on emotion right now. Don't drag your daughters in this.

The focus is to hash out what you want from the dissolution. It is now a business transaction and you're going have to work closely with your L going forward.

And inform your L that she must communicate to W that she cannot talk with you or have any discussions with you about the D paperwork going forward. From here and on, it is all on the lawyer.

Also I would ask your lawyer to draw up an emergency addendum stating that no other marital assets be removed from the house without prior agreement. This means that W must submit her wish list to her L to be passed on to your L.

This is the time to talk with your L about what YOU want and expect. That includes W paying you spousal support, ensuring that D11 goes to the private school, having W pay the mortgage of the house until D11 is 18 and then the house can be put on sale. Also you can go after W's retirement accounts.

This is just a business transaction and act accordingly.

I am so so sorry to see you in pain right now. Go for a walk or find some other distraction to get you centered.

Goodness knows....you're gonna need all of your marbles for this negotiation with W's L.

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Matt, wonka was writing as I put finshing touch to my post

Q. Wonka >> And inform your L that she must communicate to W that she cannot talk with you or have any discussions with you about the D paperwork going forward. From here and on, it is all on the lawyer. <<

He is right - avoid her as much as you can. Let the lawyers do what they need to. She is toxic. AVOID her

Last edited by pbetra; 08/04/14 09:27 PM.

pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

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