I've been called out on this by others on this issue in the past. It is something I am working really hard to wrap my head around, because the advice I get from 'outsiders' (friends, my IC) is that "the schedule is the schedule and he needs to know that he can't just change it whenever."
But folks here have (rightly) warned me to be careful about whether I am holding resentment, and whether I am doing what is in my D's best interest.
Here's the situation: I am "off" for the summer, although I do have work to do, it doesn't require being somewhere at a particular time, and it's significantly less work than during the school year. H just got a promotion, and makes 5X what I do, for a large corporation that expects him to perform. I have a lot of job security as a member of a union, though less flexibility with my schedule during the school year (I can't just 'take a morning off' or 'work from home' like he can on occasion).
It's been an issue with us in the past. I've been the default caregiver, and his work obligations have been, in his mind, something that I should have supported more than I did. He has a point-- I had resentment there. But OTOH, I also felt that my work was not valued and supported.
Since he left, he actually spends a lot more QT with our D. He puts her to bed, generally, 3 nights a week (which he almost never did before), and wakes up extra early to see her a few mornings a week.
Honestly, I think what's going on right now is that he feels like he just had her almost a whole week (Tues-Sun), while I've been 'on vacation'... so he deserves a break. When I've said things to him like, 'our D really loves spending time with you, and looks forward to your visits. She asks about you a lot. I think it's important we keep her routine consistent" he gets defensive: "A few changes here and there are no big deal; she will be able to deal with it".
In his mind, the changes are rare ("we keep to our schedule 90% of the time"). In my mind, the changes he requests are more than that. Maybe, just for my own edification, I should actually keep track of it? I haven't done that because a) I am lazy; and b) I worry I would be tempted to throw that in his face, which would not make me look sane and rational.
I'm going into my 8th month. He met hs soul mate the day we had our huge ar$e fight. It was fate, she just dropped in his lap announced it on fb. And his whole family's support as she was nice!
He lies about it constantly, and to a degree hides it. He's not contacting for anything and is moving forward on separation property settlement, but I had to push it. I got sick of having my face rubbed in the a!
It's very, very hard with no interaction, no movement and at some point they do need to want some r!
All I can do is Wait for affair to end See where things wash up then
But we s16 and me are happier.
Last edited by Ggrass; 08/01/1402:58 PM.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
I'm not really calling you out, that's just what came to me as I read your post. This is a frequent issue around here as you know. That's why I say take it back to the crux of the matter, your D's needs. (Money is power, isn't it?)
It seems that it's become about you and H. So what if he makes 5x what you do? Does that matter to your D? Her needs in the midst of this upheaval in her short life are important. Don't feel less than because you make less $$. If you have an even schedule and you want to be the default then do that.
If you have an even schedule and don't want to be the default then do that. If he makes 5x what you do, he can afford good childcare.
Be clear on what your motivations are and what your needs are.
You want to save your M and if you have resentments, you'll have to figure that out but keep your D in the center of things, for now.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Thanks. I have set some boundaries lately (he wanted to switch another night recently for a social event-- I already had plans, so he got a babysitter for her at his house instead.) Same thing is coming up this coming week-- he was busy on 'his' night, but so was I. So I got a babysitter, and asked him to switch a night, which works in my favor for my GAL activities.
I'm starting to write a long complicated response here, but realize that the easiest thing to do would be to so, "Ok, no problem. Good luck at work this week, I know how tough it can be when work gets really busy," and work on letting go of my resentment. I keep going around and around in circles about that-- have done so throughout our M, so to choose to not feel resentful is a 180 for me. Can I do that without also being a doormat? Still struggling with that.
But what choice do I have? I am the one here, not him. And feeling resentful certainly won't be healthy for me AND won't bring him closer to me.
So I guess I have my answer.
As for what's best for our D3? He and I have some disagreements about that. He believes that we do keep a very consistent schedule (90%), and that she will easily adapt to any changes in the schedule. I think the schedule changes are more frequent than that. I have chosen not to make it into an argument. But it is frustrating. I don't know how to respond. I have never known how to have a productive discussion with him-- this was a major issue for us.
labug-- you asked a great question. What's this really about. I think it is this:
Our sitch feels so... unnecessary to me. My MIL has told me he is unhappy, and she is concerned about his health. (So, clearly this has not been the magical happy pill he thought it would be). His SF, she says, is "torn up" about this. She is sad about it, too, and says that she loves me. The logistics re: parenting schedule are difficult for him as well as me, it is expensive. There are SO.MANY.REASONS to try to rebuild our M.
I told him at the very beginning, and I maintain it now: None of our issues are so unique, and none of them are unfixable. I am willing to make big changes (and I have). I am willing to work hard to be a better partner to him.
I fall back into feeling like, if he is so willing to just throw it all away because "I care about you, but I'm just not in love with you anymore, and I was unhappy for a long time," then why shouldn't he feel the difficulty of this? If he wanted me to be his partner, I would 100% be willing to step up and NOT be resentful when his work got busy. But now? Ugh.
Ok. I need to get out and exercise. I am spinning in circles, I think. None of this will ever make sense to me. But that is just how things go.
I relate 100% to everything you said above...I had the same thoughts. The thing is, the conclusion that you have drawn about living apart, your challenges, parenting....etc - HE has to discover on his own. And, and I am learning with my deal, that will take time and it is something that you cannot really influence from where you are. Over time, he may get it......he may not, but he doesn't seem to be a whirling dervish of unbridled rage and self expression right now - so perhaps he will figure it out over time.
And you are right, some of this will never, ever, ever, EVER make sense to you -- I still don't get a lot of it, but I am listening to my ex, not challenging her realties (even though I do not agree with all of them) and not being defensive. As 25 told me repeatedly at the start of my time here on the boards - it's "this day forward". So when you arrive at the point where you can talk again....try not to look too far back.
There are SO.MANY.REASONS to try to rebuild our M.
I told him at the very beginning, and I maintain it now: None of our issues are so unique, and none of them are unfixable. I am willing to make big changes (and I have). I am willing to work hard to be a better partner to him.
This is exactly how I feel. All the pain he's already caused me and is about to cause our children is totally avoidable. He's causing the rest of the family pain to avoid putting any effort into the M. Why would he do that??? Not a productive question, I realize, but that's the kind of day I'm having.
^^^ I feel very similarly. The things H told me he was unhappy about seem very fixable (more sex, "nagging" about chores, expressing more appreciation and admiration) but he did not want me to fix them at that point (even though it was the first time he mentioned them.) We both know there are no answers and we may never understand.. it's hard to not want to try and understand the reasoning behind it. In my case I think there are other reasons at play (attraction to another girl?) but who really knows. Maybe the fact that you have a child will help. My H told me that since we don't have kids there's really no reason to stay together... but if we would have had kids then he would have made some effort. Sigh. Honestly, I think the "issues" they present that we think are fixable but they don't want to try and figure out are just justifications they throw out there to try and explain something about walking away.. when really they may not even know, deep down, why it is. They just know they're unhappy and are trying anything to fix it.
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
OMG. I have a major validation opportunity. I'm worried I'm going to blow it.
Please help me figure out how to handle this, including how to respond to some of the phrases he uses. He is stressed at work (just got a promotion, which he says, "requires more work". He also has some travel coming up, which is "going to require cooperation on both our parts, and some of that implies flexibility and understanding."
He assumes that I am judging him negatively and thinking critically of him (for requesting schedule changes and not being able to see our D as much). He wants to spend time with his D, but feels like he is too busy to do that right now (and seems to be projecting that frustration onto me). He feels I am not being understanding or flexible enough. (And yet, he's not said a word about how I will basically be a single mom all week with no back-up babysitter or co-parent in the evening or mornings. Or that he appreciates ANY of the flexibility I've already shown.)
He says, "I'm in a bind here. I will freely admit that much of the stress is work related and that you aren't causing it all. But I have a ton on my plate and I need some help and understanding."
What is best for my D?? That is what I'm trying to think about, but I don't know how to answer that. She should spend some time with her dad. But he doesn't seem to be able to do that, at least this week. (And he says that he will be traveling more and working more).
I'm trying to stay calm. I'm going to re-read the validation cheat sheet and try to find some older threads that had great suggestions about validating. Going to draft a response and sit on it a bit. Feedback much appreciated.
