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labug Offline OP
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We had the appt with the new guy (who looks about 12!!!) but I could see that S21 interacts comfortably with him and respects him. They're doing some really difficult work and there is progress. Baby steps, patience and being comfortable with uncertainty

I love that when S21 was uncomfortable talking about certain things with H and I in the room, he said "I'm really not comfortable talking about that with them (H and I) here."

I've only learned to set boundaries in the last 4-5 years. (Anna Katherine, Pia Mellody, thank you!)

I'm in another online support group for parents, I mostly read there but one of the other moms wrote a lovely post to me that I still have, and reread. This is a part of it:
Quote:
What has worked for me, is letting go of any attachment to outcomes or end points. It's a long life. He'll get there - where ever there is. I can't see the magic formula that will get him from here to there, but I know he is able.
It IS up to HIM, not me. I "simply" support the process, and try not to lose my own mind along the way smile


On the M front things are as good as I let them be. Does that make sense to anyone?

I've found that I can be angry about something and not let every angry thing spill out of my mouth in that moment. I can sit with if for awhile, let the heat pass and then enter the conversation that needs to happen, in a loving way. Really, it's doable. The emotion is the emotion and it will pass if I let it.

I'm trying to make pause, relax, open a habit.

It's raining in the desert. That's a good thing! How about at your house, Crim?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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My house has been spared the ravages of the monsoon season thus far. I've had a little rain and that brings the smell of the creosote bushes to life -- one of my favorite AZ things of all time. My parents neighborhood, though, off of I17 got blasted last weekend...trees down everywhere. The head of their HOA is an Elvis impersonator - so there was Elvis...walking around all of this damage taking notes. What is it about Elvis impersonators that renders them unable to leave work at the office? But I digress.....

I am hoping to arrive at the point where you are with conflict. In fact, I know I am damn near there -- I think I just get very anxious because I have bad memories of her reactions (long and short term) to me bringing up things that bothered me. Still, we are making solid progress.

Crimson

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labug Offline OP
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That story is hilarious! The Elvis part, not the trees.

How's Mom taking the new R with XW? Yikes, I'd forgotten about her.

Are you self-improvement book-ed out? Non-violent communication has helped me a lot. Also a book by Wahlroos, Family Communication.

Everything won't be solved in a day or a week or a month. Take heart.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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That's a great question, Bug. It has been kind of odd. I was very up front with them about her going to Disney with us and they know she has been back around the house and that we have been spending time together again. My day is pretty understanding about it all -- he kind of gets where my head has been during this ordeal. He just has very little trust in her, and frankly, that is understandable. My mom has been quiet about it for the most part - but the few times she has been mildly injected into a conversation she was pleasant. I believe my dad has given her the "it is his life" speech a few times. I can tell my mom is still angry with her based upon some of her words. I think she still thinks that she is owed an apology from her because she says SHE was hurt, too. Yeah, so that is never going to happen - ever. Not because W won't do it (though I am sure she wouldn't) - I just don't think it is necessary and speaks a lot to my mom's sense of entitlement in this situation (making it about "her") than anything else.

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labug Offline OP
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Good for your mom.

My S(almost)25 is now living in Canada with his GF whom we've met a few times and like. Don't know her well enough to love her but she loves our son. A lot. And he's headoverheels. So I'm happy for them both.

But,

It's very difficult to move into the back seat of a life you created. I'm doing it but some days it's a struggle. Right now they're making some decisions that I think aren't in his best interests long-term.

Not. My. Problem.

It's probably good that they live far away. I continue to remind myself that this is his life. We all get out time at bat.

Love and support, love and support, love and support have become my mantra with both sons.

Last edited by labug; 08/07/14 02:09 PM.

Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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I guess that is kind of where they are too, Bug. I don't think my actions from them are getting a ringing endorsement, but at the same time they are trying to let go. My parents often speak of how XW hurt "the family" and broke the trust of "the family"....I don't know why, Bug, but those statements irritate me to no end, but I keep it to myself. I get it....their son got hurt....oh, and I did....badly...by her. But somehow I have been able to persevere, weather the storm, identify my role, work to improve and forgive. They, on the other hand, (mom especially) have not. My sister has gone as far as to say that she would like ME to come visit her house and family back in Indiana - but I can't if she is with me. Pretty harsh, huh? And not to air her dirty laundry but she herself has had an emotional affair or two over the span over her 14 year marriage and I would not be stunned if at least one of them turned physical. Just seems to be a clear double standard...ya know?

So Bug, I have really important question for you or anyone else in the piecing process (not to hijack) - and forgive me if it is personal.

Did you husband have to regain your trust again when you were reacquainting? Did that have to happen before things became affectionate of physical again? Did romantic feelings take time to resurface or did they never go away for you? We are spending a lot of time together and doing a lot of things as a family - but we don't really hold hands or anything...we just hugged for the first time last night (with another group hug this morning because I had to drop by before work with S). As I noted in my thread on the other board, my IC told me that women need to feel emotionally secure and safe before they feel physical or sexual and men need to feel accepted physically and sexually before they are comfortable being emotional or vulnerable. It's quite a paradox. And though I know that not enough close time has passed for there to be a 100% feeling of emotional trust, I can't help but have my ego bruised a bit because of the lack of affection -- it's almost like I look at myself and wonder "what's wrong with me? am I unattractive now?".

The irony is that while I was deep in the dating pool I really got validated and got my self confidence back after having it shredded during the D process. I really felt "attractive" and like a really good guy again. She is the only one that can stir the insecurities back up a little bit. Now...I know that it is ME stirring my own insecurities and not her - but it is a weak spot for sure. I was never, ever a big PDA or hand holder when we were together...and it was a problem for her. And now, that's all I really want...just to hold her hand. Funny how tables turn.

Crimson

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labug Offline OP
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Yes, tables do turn.

I can answer this from my POV but remember, I went through this whole DB process, a lot of IC, reading and knowing I had some things that were poisonous inside that had to be removed by the roots.

We started our new R over texting. I think it gave us both some safety because we weren't face-to-face and could respond thoughtfully. We had sex pretty quickly. Our marriage was sex-starved because of me and I knew that needed to change, and he needed to know that it had changed.

The first time we were intimate, the ground rules were from him, no strings attached and I was OK with that. He was gun shy and I knew that. He had reason to be. At that point it was dating, we were starting a new R. He had to get to know the me I am now and I had to see if he was someone I wanted to build a R with.

It was further down the line that we started using the word love.

Our sons didn't know we were dating until we were certain that things were working out. After we told them, H started spending more time here at the house but didn't spend a night here until he moved back.

Altogether it was from Aug to Christmas of last year.

About your family, have you talked with your IC about how to deal with that? Sounds like there are very few boundaries there.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Hi Labug! I have nothing relevant to say, just that I'm glad some of our little circle of friends still posts here so I can keep up with how you're doing. I hope you have a great week!


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
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Ditto, Ad. I'm kind of at a loss for where/what to post. I think I am long past the newcomer phase....and I am sorta piecing....but not quite. Hence, I have passively hi-jacked bug's thread! smile It seems to be a gathering place for people!

Hanging out with ex and son a lot. There have been a ton of great talks....we have a joint counseling session this week....and there have been lots of group hugs with S. The vibe is different than the last time we tried a little over a year ago. Cautions...but optimistic. We are driving to San Diego for Labor Day weekend.

Crimson

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Phew - I'm so glad we found you.

THIS IS THE THREAD where anyone who is anyone, comes to chime in.
for you.


Will post more later...

But meanwhile, don't let your mom stand too long in the sunlight, while she waits for the GRAND APOLOGY from your former wife. She'll probably get see s


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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