My situation is very similar to yours. I have 3 teenage daughters who now live with me most of the week. My wife is so bad a doing things with them that I have had to come up with ideas for the girls to do with their mother. I have stopped doing it because it starts to feel like cake eating. I feel bad, but it is up to my wife to do this on her own. She is the one who started down this path.
I feel bad for the girls more than for their mother at this point. I do try to do a lot for my girls. I have also found it difficult to do things for my self. I find it difficult getting going sometimes and get down a bit. I think this is normal as long as I don't get stuck.
I have decided that if I can't get away from home, then I need to get back to some of my own projects that were just for me. I have a mahogany speed boat that I started before I got married. I am going to move it into her old spot in the garage and get onto it. I can be home, but escape for a little while into the garage and do my things. I will be doing something for myself and not vegging in front of TV lost in my own thoughts and getting down.
I would suggest you try and find a project or hobby for yourself to escape into for even a hour at home. It will be something for you to escape to when you find yourself getting down.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
I have tried to have compassion for her and the pain she must be going through. It is the ever changing moods, the lashing out like she does over "things" while at the same time not caring about what should be more important like her kids. I am learning and getting more able to deal with things as time goes on. I hope she never gets as bad as your ex is still now. I do understand I have no control over that. Stinks but we must deal with reality, not what we want things to be.
Let's start with this - can you let go of the idea that your ideas are right and hers are wrong? For example, what she "should" be doing with the daughters? More like she is doing things with them that you disagree with. That the old her wouldn't have done. Etc.
But the reality is that she can and will do them. The question for you is whether or not it's life-threatening or just disagreement.
What your W has done so far is bad enough. Don't be surprised if there's more and more outlandish and deviating (from who she was) behavior. You cannot protect your daughters from her moral beliefs and changes in attitude. You can help them process it in a way is healthy and in keeping with your beliefs.
So let go of the idea of right and wrong as it applies to your W. For now, there just is. Later, she might be a good Christian woman who did some horrible things to her family. You won't know until later.
Compassion is not the same as giving her what she wants. Like a surgeon might look at a diseased body and remove a tumor. Sure, they have compassion -but they rip it out nonetheless. They are looking at the bigger picture.
In your case, you don't need to be aggressive in stance - you don't need to engage or attack. Just be aggressive in keeping your boundaries and you and your daughters will be fine.
You've had enough to deal with Matt. Focus on you and let her deal with herself.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Hello Life, I've been trying to do just that. I don't have a boat or anything like that but as my house gets emptier and emptier as my W takes more and more furniture and "stuff", I'm starting to think about some projects like painting and putting in a new floor in the bathroom (old one is in bad shape) that would take my mind off of things and at the same time improve my living space. I talked to my D14 about painting the living room a couple days ago and I told her I would let her pick the color and she seemed like she would like to help me with that. I do need to save up some funds for that kind of thing but that shouldn't take too long.
Before my W left I was doing the same thing as you, trying to come up with things my D's could do with their mom that would bring them closer. I stopped after she took off her ring and moved to the couch. I felt that if she is getting worse than I should just stop and let her live the way she wanted. If she didn't want to take the time to do things with them that was on her. This was part of my deciding to just let her totally alone and do whatever she wanted whenever she wanted. At the time I figured this way she could see what living on her own was like. Well, that didn't make a bit of difference. She still felt like I was somehow stopping her from doing what she wanted. I think there are some WAS's that must totally remove themselves from any interaction before they can ever "feel" free of LBS. Then there seem to be those that even after D and remarrying they still find ways to blame the LBS for any unhappiness. Crazy yes, but look at Bea and AJ. Their ex's can't seem to stop blaming and spewing. So sad.
Found out last night that my D14 is going to be spending the next 4 days with my MIL getting things ready for their yard sale and then Saturday and Sunday having it. I have mixed feelings about this as I like that she is doing this, earning money and keeping busy. What I don't like is the fact that she goes back to her mom's on Sunday and that means 11 days without her. Just me and the dog, once again. Well, this kind of thing is going to happen now that her mom left. One of the reasons I hated the thought of D all my life. The not being there for my D's when they need me or just to be there is something I will have to get used to.
I haven't heard a peep from W since the big blow up Sunday. I really hate that I let her get to me. Not to mention that now it looks like things will be getting less amicable going forward. I should have known that as soon as I disagreed with any part of what she wanted she would act out. I actually think she really believes what she said, that she really thinks she has been "more than fair" because she isn't taking EVERY piece of furniture we owned. In her MLC mind she thinks that she "deserves" to have anything she wants. She even said about the stuff we bought at the estate sale that me getting half may be "right" but that "there is right and there is morally right" and some how me taking any of it isn't "moral". I just need to detach totally and wait to see what happens.
I'm feeling a bit better now. I really need to get more sleep and get out and start doing more stuff for me. I wonder if my W is planning on being at MIL's this weekend for the sale. I had planned on coming over and helping and I don't think I shouldn't go just because my W is going to be there as well. I guess I'll play it by ear. I need to stop procrastinating and get to work on things I need to get done. Time to start getting back out and about and socializing again!!
Hi Matt - I've found that I slacked off a bit from doing things to GAL. I got a little lazy. But when I did, I found myself dwelling on my situation more, so I get up out of my chair, and get going. Do whatever, just to get out of the house. I know it's hard to be alone in the house, but you are so blessed to have your kids, even when they are not there at the moment with you. I do not have any - and no dog, yet - so it's REALLY quiet here! But I've gotten used to it, so it's ok now. Hang in there Matt - you're doing great. We all have to dig really deep to find our strength...but it's there, and you'll find it if you keep digging!
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
Just me and the dog, once again. Well, this kind of thing is going to happen now that her mom left. One of the reasons I hated the thought of D all my life. The not being there for my D's when they need me or just to be there is something I will have to get used to.
Can I just say that part of what I read there was that YOU don't want to be alone? There's more to this statement (I'm reading) than that you aren't there for your daughter.
Truth is, your daughter wants to know you are there and still try to have her own life. You are doing that, but it seems that the normal part of weaning the parent away is somehow distorted in all of this. i.e. when you were hurt earlier, you reacted by protecting your daughter (good choice). It's harder to back away from that when still being assailed. But your daughter deserves to have her dad "be there" for her. Even if not in close proximity.
Seems one of your fears is being brought up. The fear of divorce and how that would impact you and your family. Now that you've named it, it's all about how you deal with it.
Take your W out of the equation. Step back and see your role as a father. How do you need to support her. What's her thoughts on that? What's her impression of how you are doing that? She may see what you're doing very differently than you do (I hope so; what kind of teen daughter wouldn't?)
You're processing this very well, Matt. You've had a lot of years to practice I suspect. Don't lose perspective though, you know?
I'm sure whatever you decide will work out perfectly in the long run.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Thanks AJ, Just tonight I had a convo with my D14. Her mom called and wanted to talk about school. We can't get her into the private school and time is running out. I had hoped to but the IRS audit held my return back until at least 12 weeks and it just won't happen. Her mom didn't want her going to the private school so she wouldn't have to pick her up and drop her off. (she'll get a bus from her mothers home). We talked about which school she wanted to go to and why. I asked her how she felt and she is scared but is being brave. I told her that no matter how far away she is that she knows I will just be a phone call away and I will ALWAYS be there when she needs me. It may just be that I'm a little farther away but promised that she will be the most important thing in my life. She told me that she knows this and that I tried my best to get her into the school she wanted. We than spent some time looking up her options.
I'm really proud of her. She is a great kid and joked with me about her not being good at making new friends since she has always known the kids she was in school with her whole life (same group of 8 kids since Kinder!). I told her about my HS experience and how I coped going from middle school to HS. I really hate that she has to go through all this "stuff" at the same time through no fault of her own. But I also know that she is smart enough to deal and good enough to not get in trouble.
Looks like my W isn't going to be going to the yard sale this weekend. Her father is coming into town and she is going to spend her time with him. My poor MIL is freaking out and I told her that I would stop by and help out some since W can't make it. The convo. with my W was very odd. She talked to me about the school and I asked about her dad. She then told me about her trip to the gyno and having polyps removed from her cervix and it not being cancer and it being the cause of her bleeding, etc. Umm, can't have a decent talk about a clock but wants to tell me all about that? I thanked her for speaking to me about D's school before just enrolling her and giving me an opportunity to speak with D before she just made a decision. W seemed a bit more lucid tonight. She didn't mention what happened Sunday at all. I'm sure she will be talking to her dad when he visits and she may be back to hostile again, who knows. I have no expectations!
I had to switch school after my parents' divorce. Same situation, I wasn't great at making friends and I had been at my old school since I was in kindergarten.
I will be happy to provide thoughts on my experience to help you both through this.
I also work with kids with severe social anxiety.
I would start by reminding her that few people are born with inherent social skills. It's a learned skill. She can do this.
Keep it simple right now...keep reminding her of her unique qualities that make her special. No one else is like her.
And, remind her that...while this situation isn't what she hoped for...in the long run...she will learn skills that will make her more successful. She is amazing. She will be great. Learning how to make friends and switch gears are two major life skills and may make her amazingly successful and content in the future...although it may not feel like it now.
I was that girl. The girl who had a parent skip out and she had switch schools. I went from a country bumpkin school to an affluent, all girls' school.
I will help where I can. Just know that she needs reassurance that she is capable of doing this...even if she doesn't feel like it...AND, that she is loved just the way she is. She doesn't have to do this perfectly. :-)
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Thanks so much Heather! She really is an amazing kid. She was always very close to me and still is although in a "teenager" type way now. She has been through much in her short life having a mom who was severely depressed when she was 7 until 10 or 11 years old. My W has been so odd about our home for the last few years and her mom wouldn't let her friends come over to just hang out or for sleep overs, she hated that. She watched her sister go through a "bad" period, show up home drunk, fighting with W and me. She handled all that well.
I just don't understand how our S's can keep doing the things they do knowing how they are making their kids lives so much harder. My W of course keeps rationalizing the situation. Says exactly the opposite things about the public schools here than she used to, it's like listening to a different person. I hope her mom can at least not cause her more problems as she deals with this sitch going forward. I am just so worried about what my W may do to make things even worse going forward.
Thanks for the offer of help and I will take you up on it as I'm sure there will be times I will need the insight!
