I dont know how to stop her but theres got to be a way . its one thing to sleep with some one for a few hrs and then go home . But a whole night together in bed is a whole different animal .IMO maybe its just my perception . She can go wherever for the night except with him thats my line in the sand . She can bang him for 2 hrs sunday morning or 3 hrs thurs day evening but no overnight . Does that sound crazy
Me 45 W 45 Son 16 Son 14 Married 23 together 27 W threatened sep several times W still at home A discovered Mar 17 2014 A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
Yes I read all about the MLC and it seems relevant in alot of ways but not all . W even told me she that she thought that I thought she was having a mid life crisis and she couldnt affirm it or deny it . never the less alot of it makes sense and it does give a fella some guidance . Its essentually DBing advice when dealing with a W in a MLC
Me 45 W 45 Son 16 Son 14 Married 23 together 27 W threatened sep several times W still at home A discovered Mar 17 2014 A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
About the same time that I found DB and DR, my H was going on a business trip overseas. I knew that OW was going to be there because I asked him. They were both going to be away from their spouses.
Did I draw a line in the sand?
I did not. There was not one thing that I could do about it. That was the last conversation that I had with H about OW.
Since that date (almost 2 months ago), I have been practicing DR techniques. One of those techniques is to NOT bring up the affair. Another one is to detach. Another one is to GAL. And another is to do 180s (and no relationship talks is a big 180 for me).
While he was away, I did not contact him. He would message me, and I would respond. He would send pictures, and I would respond. But I never initiated contact.
When he returned, I gave him space, but I also gave him a much more pleasant version of myself than what he had been living with for the previous 6 months. I make an effort to look nice. I make an effort for him NOT to see me sad or brooding. I keep busy and I have no expectations of him joining me or the kids.
I have no idea what the status is of H and OW right now.
He was silent (and sleepless) for about two weeks following the trip. I didn't ask about anything. He was DEFINITELY distant. And then he started changing. Things are shifting. He went to her city last week and he spent his evenings in the hotel face timing with me on the computer (at his suggestion, not mine) or playing an online game with me. He asked me to lunch today. He spends his time with me in the evenings now - not squirreled away at his computer or hiding somewhere with his tablet. When I want to walk the dog, I go walk the dog. I tell him I'm walking the dog. More often than not, he joins me. He has invited me to play an online game with him and the boy, which I do.
Now - we're a long way off from "perfect" or "better," but I will say that my attitude about myself and my situation has helped ME a lot. I no longer feel desperate or nearly suicidal. I have a great IC who is helping me look at ME and how some of MY issues are damaging to my relationships with other people (not just my marriage) and to myself. I still FIRMLY believe that my H is entrenched in MLC. He's going to be there for a while. I am a LONG way off from him having any sort of realization that he blew up our perfect marriage or an apology. I may never get that. But for now I can live with what we have. I have hope again.
So - what should you do? I say do something else on Friday. Don't ask her what she's doing. It will be the hardest thing you have ever done.
There are some here who suggest that you tell her that you won't be in a relationship with her if she's in a relationship with OM. Many have had success with that.
I, for one, subscribe to the theory that you shouldn't talk about the AP. Just stop talking about it. Stop talking about the relationship. That relationship is built on lies, but yours is not. That relationship has very, very poor footing. Yours does not. I do think that drawing a line in the sand is more likely to drive her to OM, but different people have different success with this. You know your W best.
Doing something is hard. Not doing something is hard, too.
Good luck - I hope my story helps you a little bit!
Thx for the input Mlp . But its still do I let her go or do I say no to her behavior . im thinking about inviting her out for a few drinks and food , but im sure she will decline . Then I will Do my own thing and if she goes to him then I will have to let it be and GAL . But it will be in my mind the whole time while GAL ing . I wont be able to drink . I cant trust i wont go to his house and make a scene . I' ll have more info tomorrow but im positive shes making plans to be with him overnight knowing the kids will be away
Me 45 W 45 Son 16 Son 14 Married 23 together 27 W threatened sep several times W still at home A discovered Mar 17 2014 A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
I don't think it is "let" her go. She didn't ask you for permission. She is making her own choices right now. They aren't kind or good or honest, but they are hers.
You have your own choice. You can live a life that is kind and good and honest. You can go and make a scene (which is unlikely to result in her choosing you that night). You can invite her out (pursuit) or you can have your own plans where you will look and smell your best and do something nice for yourself (which might confuse her and make you look more interesting than the desperate spouse you've been showing for a while).
Dawgy, it concerns me how much talk you are doing about sex, other women, and temptation. How can you make very wise decisions when you are thinking along those lines?
If you stay with her Friday night, your mind will be on mostly getting sex, judging on your other posts. If she doesn't want to be with you, I think you'll be setting yourself up for rejection. That's JMHO.
I just think you need to get yourself under control before you try to do much of anything else.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Dawg, I know it's hard - as you saw from my thread, but I had to tell myself, she is not captive and will make her own decisions anyway. All you can do is focus on how you are reacting to it.
You will think about it, but try to do other things.
Me-45 W-44 S21, S18, D15 T-27, M-21 BD Jan 2014 PA revealed March 2014 In-house separation - April 2015 I filed - Aug 2015 She moved out Oct 2015
I KNOW I am the better choice, but I have to be a choice. I don't want to be with a man that I've forced to be with me.
Here's the other thing....I have a choice, too. For now, I have chosen to stay with him. I have made this choice because I believe he is in MLC. At some point, I may decide that I've had enough. I may choose to either establish more boundaries or to end our relationship. I just don't think that any good will come right now from forcing the issues.
In Jim Conway's book, [u]Men in Midlife Crisis[/u,] he writes "The 'one more time' stage is most difficult if a man is saying, 'One more time - with one more new woman.' Naturally the wife views this as rejection. When I speak on this subject at a conference, women will frequently look at me in startled amazement as I suggest to them that their husbands do not want to leave them or lose them. Men in crisis think a new sexual experience will restore their confidence in themselves. These men imagine they have missed something. If the wife can keep calm during this very painful stage there is a great likelihood the couple will stay together. If, however, the wife pushes and demands a choice, the husband will probably side with the 'one more time' option and the marriage will dissolve."
U-Turn, I'm curious about the other way around, too. You might want to see if the library has a copy of Sally Conway's book. It looks like you can get it on Amazon. (Women in Midlife Crisis, by Jim and Sally Conway).
Sociologically speaking, I understand it's much harder for men to accept their wives having an affair....I wonder if that's simply because the media has shown us over and over again men having affairs. It's sort of a dirty little accepted truth that it might happen, this sort of dalliance. Men probably have the same emotional beating of feeling "less than."
Ultimately, the affair isn't about you. It's about your spouse. And broken attracts broken.
The thing that has astonished me about this whole journey is how similar the stories are. Sorry you have to be a part of this club. I've read tons about it, which has helped me (I just became academic about the whole thing). I'm hoping that it will carry me all the way through to the other side and he and I can have the stronger, more fulfilling marriage on the other end. That would be awesome, because honestly - the marriage before was pretty darned great! For now, I'm working on my issues....we'll see how he does on his!
