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[quote=HopeTex]Had a good chat with my DB coach Laurie just now. She was supportive of me dropping the rope, and the way I did it.

Laurie liked the empathy I showed in validating W, Laurie thinks this serves to release pressure and allow W to relax and open up to me, instead of feeling that I am always angry and judgmental about what she is doing.

As always, ^^^ great advice.


Laurie suggested I should look for signs of this, and also look for ways to validate W again. Not for me to initiate R conversations

I want to emphasize this^^^ b/c the first thing I thought when I read your post was "WHY?? WHY THE R TALK??" and I really hope you'll stand by that...


Good work


-


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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25: I think the conversation I initiated was a bit of a backslide for me. According to DB rules I probably shouldn't have initiated it. That being said, I think I did minimal damage, by at least not actively pursuing in a "please don't leave" sense. But I do now need to hold strictly to NOT initiating R conversations.

Rock JC: totally agree that I picked the wrong way and timing to make the sleeping arrangements decision.

Ss06: you might be right, I might be misusing the "drop the rope" term, night not apply to what I did. Maybe vets can chime in on what they refer to when they use that term.

Shakspr, I like your perspective on things and yes we seem to be in similar sitches.

Got back tody from my little two night vacation with the kids at the watermark resort. We had a really good time, I am exhausted but proud of being able to handle three little ones all on my own.

Have had some really difficult nights though, tossing and turning and dreading. Afraid of what might be coming. Fear that there is no hope for our M. Fear that I cannot handle things, can't handle the pain of D, can't handle the loneliness, can't handle the kids when I have them on my own, just can't handle. Really negative thinking straight from the Enemy. My God it is terrible when I go through nights like that. Today it broke a bit and I am back on more level ground.

This afternoon and evening I have been engaging the W in conversation about our kids: who their new teachers will be, what their individual challenges are, how our one daughter's gluten situation is going, etc. One, I am trying to be more engaged as a father in general. Two, I really need to be more engaged if we end up D and I want to be able to handle joint custody. Three, it seems like a good safe topic for W and I to discuss, and it is a 180 for her to see in me.

Just wanted to check with the vets and see if initiating this type of conversation was ok, or if it hurts somehow.


Me:42 W:41
M:12 T:3
D7, D7, S5
Sep#1 Winter 2012 for 4 months
W divorce bomb 6/9/14
Started "in-house separation" 7/2014
W files for D 8/28/14
I move out 9/27/14
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I'm not a vet, at all, but as a WIFE, I think it's imperative that you know details of your kids lives. It matters. Their teachers, any projects they are working on, friends on the playground, bullies, how their reading is going, play math games with them (marshmallows and raisins work great here!), take them to the pediatrician for their well-visits, be the "park dad"... this is incredibly sexy and, even better, your kids will see that all that matters to you and not just mom!

Keep that up. Only good can come out of it.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Welcome back everyone! Nothing too new here. New challenge is that suddenly things are a bit shaky at work with some changes that have me concerned that I might have to find a new job. As if I didn't have enough to stress about right now! It has given W and I something to chat about though, she is being very kind and supportive.


Me:42 W:41
M:12 T:3
D7, D7, S5
Sep#1 Winter 2012 for 4 months
W divorce bomb 6/9/14
Started "in-house separation" 7/2014
W files for D 8/28/14
I move out 9/27/14
Joined: Aug 2014
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Just checking in, HT. I know that work problems/uncertainty hit a man right in the gut. Use this time to get ahead of the problem. Update your resume now, get your things in order, and start looking before your company has to lay you off. Thank God you are in Texas - at least there are jobs here.

Even if things work out, you'll be in a better mental state while you wait.


Me: 43 XW: 43
T15 M14
D21, SS15, S11, D8
BD: 8/6
EA / possible PA discovered 9/29
D final 10/20
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Thanks S. It is actually a missed blessing, giving me something else to worry about besides the M.

Pls pray for me tonite. W texted me earlier that she wants to "revisit our last conversation" where I refused to move out and we discussed her talking to a lawyer. Will be interesting to see what she has to say. I am going to stay firm on not moving out, but otherwise try to be opeminded and validating. And will try to let her lead the conversation.


Me:42 W:41
M:12 T:3
D7, D7, S5
Sep#1 Winter 2012 for 4 months
W divorce bomb 6/9/14
Started "in-house separation" 7/2014
W files for D 8/28/14
I move out 9/27/14
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 412
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Prayers transmitted. God hears us. He has lifted me up throughout the day today, and has put people in my life who respect me and are doing whatever they can to help. I am so thankful that none of the inner circle have made suggestions like I have heard on other threads. Someone telling me to get out there and date would receive a knuckle sandwich. Strangely, my struggles - and my response to them at work - have been a blessing to others, inspiring them to work on their own marriages. Several have commented that my attitude is unbelievable, considering the facts. My truth: God + DB'g = Hope

Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.
—Joshua 1:9


Me: 43 XW: 43
T15 M14
D21, SS15, S11, D8
BD: 8/6
EA / possible PA discovered 9/29
D final 10/20
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Thanks S.


Me:42 W:41
M:12 T:3
D7, D7, S5
Sep#1 Winter 2012 for 4 months
W divorce bomb 6/9/14
Started "in-house separation" 7/2014
W files for D 8/28/14
I move out 9/27/14
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 95
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Well. She filed.

We sat down at the kitchen table and she gave me the paperwork. I didn't really have much to say. Stayed calm. Was in a little bit of shock but overall I am surprised at how calm I felt. Think it is somewhat of a relief in a way. We didn't talk much, I just told her I would find a lawyer. She talked a while about wanting it to be as cordial as possible. I agreed.

She still wants me to move out and claims her lawyer said they could somehow boot me legally. Not so sure about that.

Now I need to find a good lawyer and pronto. Working on that now.


Me:42 W:41
M:12 T:3
D7, D7, S5
Sep#1 Winter 2012 for 4 months
W divorce bomb 6/9/14
Started "in-house separation" 7/2014
W files for D 8/28/14
I move out 9/27/14
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,077
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I'm sorry, HT. What a tough thing to face tonight. (((hugs)))

I do find it comical that as soon as she finished the sentence about being cordial she informed you that her attorney is planning to "boot" you legally. How very cordial.

Stay the path. We're here.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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