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HopeTex Offline OP
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I am new to the forum, have read DB.

My basic story:

Married over a decade. My first marriage, my wife's second. She got married straight out of college to a guy who turned out to be mentally ill and emotionally abusive, so she divorced him. I met her a few years after her first divorce.

I had a tough home life growing up, divorced parents, emotionally abusive parents, etc. I ended up as a very guarded person, basically a lone wolf who decided the only way to be safe in the world was to be detached and unemotional. I just stuffed everything, denied my wounds, and focused on achievement.

Not surprisingly this was not good for marriage. W says she probably was attracted to me because of my detachment, after her bad experience from her abusive first husband, but eventually she felt alone and abandoned in our marriage.

We lost our first child soon after his birth due to unforeseen birth defects. Obviously a very tough experience, wife still takes it very hard. But it also started to crack the wall I had built up around my emotions, brought me to God, etc. we started going to grief counseling together, that turned into marriage counseling and individual counseling. For a year or two the focus was on me and getting in touch with my issues. Took a long time, I really wasn't fully aware of all my issues and how much I had walled myself off. I laugh when I remember the counseling hearing my childhood story and asking what emotions I had about it, and me replying "I don't know; I really don't feel anything about it." Which was true. And when he tried to explain intimacy, I was was genuinely confused and knew the term intimacy but really wasn't quite sure what it was! Looking back it is hard to believe how walled off I was.

After a while I finally made some progress and had some breakthroughs, started getting in touch with all the emotions and wounds I had buried, started a real relationship with God, etc. became determined to break out of the "cave" I had walled myself into and to start exploring intimacy with wife, kids (we needed up having twin daughters and a boy). But I did come out of my cave pretty wobbly and needy. I have a very "insecure attachment style" due to my childhood, so my thinking was "Ok, I am going to take this risk and come out of my cave and risk intimacy and connection, even though I know it is risky and I have been hurt in the past by people. So here goes!" My assumption was "I have been the problem in this marriage due to my fear of intimacy. W is very emotionally healthy and loving and had a better childhood so she is ready for this, I just need to reach out to her and everything will be great."

That is not what happened! I started reaching out and being vulnerable and loving and intimate. I know I was pretty needy and smothering and uncertain and insecure in the way I did it. But the response was still pretty startling. W really started withdrawing, closing off. Suddenly she started withdrawing sex, always blaming it on something I had done that day or recently that irritated her. That really set me off, I didn't take it well, it hurt and I complained and was needy.

She then shocked me by saying "I see that you are changing, but I think it might be too late. The first part of our marriage I was so lonely, and eventually a couple years ago I pretty much gave up hope on our relationship being fulfilling. My heart basically died to you and I am not sure it can come back." As you can imagine this was a shock and devastating, it felt like my world was crumbling. Like my greatest fear coming true. I come out of my cave and risk intimacy and this is what I get?! It felt just like my childhood all over again: rejection, abandonment, etc.

A few months into that and W said she had started recovering vague memories of having been sexually abused by a family friend, or coach, or someone (she wasn't sure) in early childhood. She started seeing a female counselor on her own to start understanding and working on recovery for that. Part of me was very caring and compassionate about that, and proud of her for being brave enough to face some very unpleasant issues. But unfortunately part of me just wanted to get her"fixed". Especially when she announced, fairly coldly, that we wouldn't be having sex anymore, at least for a long time. The insecure selfish part of me was devastated, in seemed like she was just slowly pulling away from me and would never come back. So of course I complained and pursued and tried to fix, which only served to push her away more. She pretty much shut down from me emotionally, when we would try to have R conversations she would basically freeze up, couldn't even talk. Which set me off more. I was a mess.

One night a couple years ago I got upset, packed an overnight bag, and stormed out to a hotel. The next day I knew that was a dumb move, but when we met with the MC my W said she wasn't ready for me to come back, and shocked me by suggesting a separation. I felt like my guts were spilling into the floor, I was devastated. I existed but eventually moved out for what ended up being 4 months. It was the worst experience of my life, and probably also one of the best, it made me face some big issues and grow, and grow closer to God. The first month or two I pursued a lot, en finally gave her space and that helped. (I didn't read DB back then but would have benefitted.). Eventually she invited me back home, but it wasn't a very joyous or romantic homecoming, I was still pretty insecure and controlling (although slightly healthier), she was still going thru her recovery and still pretty half-in-half-out in terms of her commitment to our marriage. T least in my opinion.

We would have stretched were we would start up a sex life, then she would stop again. And withdraw emotionally too, and stop going to MC or participating much when she did go. I was slowly working on my issues and getting healthier emotionally, but I was still very emotionally dependent on W, so when she withdrew I would get very sad and moody. This out a lot of pressure and strain on her.

A few months ago she same back from a faith retreat and expressed a new commitment to our marriage, she had realized that she was very afraid of intimacy and had not really been committed to it in our marriage due to her big fears of always being hurt. For a couple weeks I saw good signs of a new commitment, but it tapered off pretty quick. But I thought things err generally getting better.

Then in June she came into MC and dropped the bomb. "I have tried but I am coming to accept that my heart did die for you and it is not coming back. You are a good man and father and you have made amazing changes to yourself, and you deserve to be with someone who loves you the way you deserve to be loved. I would like for you to move out sometime soon and for us to start working thru a divorce." I was stunned and hurt, and didn't have much of a response at the moment so I just said I loved her and didn't want a divorce and we left it at that. On use drive home later that day I stopped and looked at apartments nearby. When I got home I did some of the pleading and pursuing and crying routine. She said well, maybe you can move out and we can just separate for several months to a year and see if that helps. The next few days I did other type of unproductive pursuing, like calling her parents and some folks in our church to try to get them to talk to her. Not real helpful I now realize.

A few days later after a lot of good conversations with my counselor,and good Christian friends, I realized that my moving out into an apartment was a very dumb idea from a lot of perspectives (including legal) so I calmly told her "I love you and I want our marriage to work, so I am not giving up. But I am not going to move out of our house, if she need to leave this marriage then you cam leave." She was pretty stunned and pissed but didn't have much to say. She moved out of the bedroom and went pretty quiet. We had some chats with the counselor about different separation options. W eventually proposed that we continue doing what we had started doing, basically an in-house separation, where we trade weeks in the master bedroom, the other spouse staying in the guest room. It is a pretty weird and tough situation. We spend a lot of time together with our young kids (7,7 and 5) and are pretty cordial together with hem, and we even chat at night about a variety of topics, we just don't have any R conversations.

She says she wants to do this until school starts back up, and then "reappraise" at that point. She is actively planning going back to work, after having been mostly a stay at home mother for 7 years. I know she has looked into rental homes in our neighborhood. I think part of her is preparing for divorce by getting a job lined up so that she can move out and support herself. I have made it pretty clear that I will want 50% physical custody of the kids.

I am hoping that part of her is still wanting to reconcile and keep trying in our marriage.

After that initial week of pursuing, I am pretty committed to doing DB best practices. I haven't pursued at all in several weeks, haven't tried to bring up R conversations, haven't complained at she has stopped coming to Counseling, have been trying to GAL, hang out with the kids on my own or go out with friends, exercise more, dress better, focus on my continuing personal work and emotional health. I think she must be pretty shocked that I am not pursuing, that is very different than in the past.

As far as I know she has never talked to a lawyer, but who knows. Neither I nor our counselor believes she is involved in any type of affair, but who knows.

I imagine that in a few weeks when the kids go back to school we will have some type of conversation where she states what she wants next. Part of me cannot believe she will actually go thru with divorce. But part of me can't imagine her having a turnaround and recommitting to the marriage either.

I have all the typical emotional swings. Some days I feel pretty strong, and am coming to grips with the fact that even tho I do not want divorce for me or my kids, I and God can handle that if it happens, and that there is indeed life after divorce that would still be good. Other days I feel like I will crumble and blow away and life will be ruined.

My personal focus is on regaining my sense of self, and self-validation instead of validation from W. It is becoming very clear how codependent, emotionally fused/enmeshed etc I have become. This is unhealthy and unattractive. It has smothered my wife and driven her away. I like the book Passionate Marriage and what it says about the need for "differentiation." The need to have a strong sense of self before you can have a healthy intimate relationship with someone else.

I also know that she has contributed to our issues, I am not the only one at fault although I do like to put all the blame and shame on myself. I am finally accepting that I cannot fix her and that she will have to work thru that stuff mostly on her own.

My DB strategy right now is detachment, trying to find the healthy balance where I am detached and happy and doing my own thing, but not being too cold in my daily interactions with her. The inhouse separation thing is tricky.

My greatest hope is that our marriage can be saved. Actually strike that, my greatest hope is that I can be a strong, healthy happy person with a strong relationship with God. I also hope that my marriage can be saved.

Thanks in advance for good guidance and support as I work thru this. I have already benefited from reading other peoples stories.


Me:42 W:41
M:12 T:3
D7, D7, S5
Sep#1 Winter 2012 for 4 months
W divorce bomb 6/9/14
Started "in-house separation" 7/2014
W files for D 8/28/14
I move out 9/27/14
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
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Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Jul 2014
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HopeTex Offline OP
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Got some time away from home on a 4-day business trip which I think is good right now. Enjoying interacting with folks and not obsessing about M all day.

I would live some good advice from anyone familiar with DB'ing during an in-house separation, with three young kids. I think I am doing ok, I try to be happy and upbeat when I am around her and interacting with this kids. I am not pursuing her or initiating any R talks at all, for several weeks now. I also stopped talking to her family or friends about our issues. After the kids go to bed, I pretty much giver her space (like she asked for in our last big convo) by going to my room, going out to meet a friend, etc. I typically let her start conversations, which she does fairly regularly, just on everyday topics like kids, etc. I have urges to pursue, and fears that if I am so detached she will just spin away further - these urges tell me "you need to do things to show her you love her, you have changed!" But I know from this board that those efforts will likely backfire.

Focusing on GAL and finding that challenging. But I know it takes time and patience.

W is taking the three kids on a vacation to Colorado to visit her relatives, without me. Pretty depressing to hear that, but I am dealing with it well and did not protest or react, just said Ok, sounds good.

I have a good Christian counselor, he started as our MC but gradually W stopped going so he is basically my counselor now. He keeps nudging me toward making some type of decision, like he wants me to throw in the towel and announce I am ready for D. Maybe he is just testing my resolve, or preparing me for the worst. I know he wants to make sure I am strong and detached in case W does go forward with D. He also mentions that when a LBH finally demonstrates that he is acting as if the M will end and that he has come to grips with it and knows life will go on, that is sometimes when WAW finally turns back to H.

I get this feeling from counselor, my parents and sister, and certain friends that they all think I am a pushover and have been putting up with too much from W from too long. They all think it is time for me to make a more concrete move, like moving out or even filing for D. Like I am stuck in an endless rut with W and that I need to "take control" and start steering the ship more. My inclination is to just keep DB'ing and being patient, detaching and GAL, improving myself and my happiness, etc. while giving W the time and space to see my changes, miss me, and perhaps have a change of heart. Not sure what it would help for me to "push things" right now in terms of moving out or filing for divorce.


Me:42 W:41
M:12 T:3
D7, D7, S5
Sep#1 Winter 2012 for 4 months
W divorce bomb 6/9/14
Started "in-house separation" 7/2014
W files for D 8/28/14
I move out 9/27/14
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 95
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HopeTex Offline OP
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Having the same struggle as others on this board. Trying to detach and doing a pretty good job of it. Just worried that it will drive her away, or make her think I have given up on M just like her so why bother? But I have trust in DB so am going to stick with it.

It think mostly she needs to see and believe that I am not so dependent on her, since that had made her feel so pressured and smothered. If she sees me really living as if I have accepted the M might end and I am prepared to go on and live a good life, that might make it easier for her to file for D. But it is also the only thing I can see as possibly being a 180 that might make her think twice.


Me:42 W:41
M:12 T:3
D7, D7, S5
Sep#1 Winter 2012 for 4 months
W divorce bomb 6/9/14
Started "in-house separation" 7/2014
W files for D 8/28/14
I move out 9/27/14
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 95
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HopeTex Offline OP
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At the risk of mind/crystal ball reading, I feel like where we are is that my W is just using the time in in-house separation as a time for her to get her ducks in a row to file for D. Line up a job, look for a house etc. she said "let's do this until the kids go back to school and then reappraise" but i don't think her heart is really open to reappraisal in that short a time frame. I am expecting that at the end of the summer she says she is ready to move forward with D.

On the other hand, I know that the D process can take a long time, especially when she is getting on her feet financially, and I am not Daddy Warbucks. So there is time there for things to change.

I am working on changes. Although most of the time I feel like I am just working on staying alive, I feel like I am walking around with my gut split open and dragging along the floor. I feel wounded and in shock, so it is a real challenge to, at the same time, focus on GAL and making 180s, etc. but oh well no time like the present.

I will keep making changes and getting a life. And will be prepared if in a few weeks she says she is ready to move forward with D. From what I gather, the proper detached response to that will be " I don't want to get divorced, but if you feel that is what you have to do then I guess that is what you need to do." ???


Me:42 W:41
M:12 T:3
D7, D7, S5
Sep#1 Winter 2012 for 4 months
W divorce bomb 6/9/14
Started "in-house separation" 7/2014
W files for D 8/28/14
I move out 9/27/14
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,121
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Hi, I am sorry for the situation you are in. The best advice I can give you is to speak with a Divorce Busting Coach today. Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best guidance on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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HopeTex Offline OP
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Interesting night. Got back home after 5 nights away for work. She seemed very cold and distant when I got home, but I stayed calm and happy playing with the kids, and at family dinner. Through the evening she seemed to warm up and pursue a bit, at least conversationally. When she initiated confiscations I would respond and validate.

I also stood up for myself a bit. Her dad's 70th birthday is this weekend so a bunch of her relatives are coming into town and staying at our house. We are trading weeks in the master bedroom and this is my week our of the master,. Typically I take the guest bedroom, so this weekend she wanted me to share it with one of her male cousins, so that she and her aunt could share our master bedroom.

Ali in all I am dreading this weekend, as I know that some if not all of the relatives know about H's stated desire to get a D. It just seems like it will be a very tense and non-fun weekend for me in general.

So I told her I needed to have some privacy during the several nights all her relatives are here, and that I would prefer to stay in the master bedroom. And that she was free to spend the nights in the bed with me if she wanted. Or she could take the sofa bed with her aunt, etc. she did a bit of huffing and puffing, saying I was being unreasonable and selfish, but I just stayed calm and said I needed some privacy during the week and that bunking with her cousin all week didn't really appeal to me. And I finished by saying calmly that if she preferred I'd be fine with getting a room at the nearby hotel so that she and her relatives had more space. She just looked frustrated and the conversation ended.

Of course it is impossible to know what is going on in W's mind. But one possibility is that maybe she hasn't told these relatives, and she was wanting to put on a front that everything is fine, and I am messing that up for her.

After the kids went down I went straight to my bed to read, she came by to tell me something pretty inconsequential, seemed like she was pursuing a bit but who knows.

Sometimes when she reaches out like that I feel hopeful, other times it irritates me because I imagine that she is just friend-zoning me, basically trying to maneuver us into the "we are divorced but really good friends" BS.

As always I worry that I am detaching too much and missing opportunities to connect and pursue, but overall I still believe strongly that calm, kind GAL-ing detachment is what is called for, for a good while longer. Like months probably. She needs me to take the pressure off, to demonstrate over a long period of time that I have come to grips with her D desires, and have decided to be healthy and happy regardless of what she does.

My 180's right now are being more present and fun with the kids, and also of course not pursuing her.

In the GAL category, I am taking opportunities to do short trips away from home that work provides. Trips that are fairly social and fun and keep me around a lot of people I know. I am not a huge fan of work travel but right now I feel these short trips away are really helping me stay sane and work on detachment. Headed out for a two-day trip tomorrow.

Also in GAL, about to pull the trigger on scuba lessons here in town. Really looking forward to it. Doing it for me, but I imagine she will be fairly surprised.

Had a down day yesterday, but really feeling calm and positive today. Still don't want a D, but feeling today very strongly that I can still be happy and a good father even if that happens. Hopefully will feel positive tomorrow too!


Me:42 W:41
M:12 T:3
D7, D7, S5
Sep#1 Winter 2012 for 4 months
W divorce bomb 6/9/14
Started "in-house separation" 7/2014
W files for D 8/28/14
I move out 9/27/14
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 95
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HopeTex Offline OP
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Curious if anyone has any thoughts on in-house separations, specifically sleeping arrangements. We have a 3 bedroom house: Master, room for the twin girls, room for the boy. So no real guestroom.

When she first dropped the bomb and asked that I move out to an apartement we both stayed together in master bedroom for two nights. Then when I said I wasn't moving out of the house but that she should if she wanted out, she moved to the sofa for a few nights, then started sleeping with the kids.

(She said a few weeks back that we needed to have a conversation with the kids "Daddy and Mommy are having a hard time loving each other right now, that is why we aren't sleeping in the same bed, etc, etc.". She was pretty adamant about having that conversation with the, but never has. Of course they are young but not that young, am sure they know something is up. So far W just says "we are doing a lot of slumber parties this weekend.")

Then our MC suggested to me that it would be kind if I offered to trade weeks in the master bedroom with W, so I did. When I am out of the master I take over the girls room to myself, because I want privacy and because I don't think adults need to sleep in the same room as kids that much. I just put the girls in with the boy - he has a huge multilevel bunk bed with a trundle that can sleep 4 kids easy. When W is out of master she usually leaves the girls in their room and she goes and sleeps in boy's bunk bed with him.

I get sick of the weeks when I am out of our master, but suppose i can live with it. But does anyone see anything I can do better here? Anyone think it would be better for me to move back full-time into the master and tell W she us free to join me or not?


Me:42 W:41
M:12 T:3
D7, D7, S5
Sep#1 Winter 2012 for 4 months
W divorce bomb 6/9/14
Started "in-house separation" 7/2014
W files for D 8/28/14
I move out 9/27/14
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 370
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I wouldn't tell her she's free to join you. That almost sounds like you're inviting her (i.e. Pursuing). Some of the vets could speak better on that than I can, but that's my feel.

I'm doing in-house separation too, and I sleep in the master, and she sleeps in our daughter's room. It was easy because that's been the sleeping arrangement for the most part over the past year or so anyways (and was probably detrimental to our marriage).

I find that the key to living under the same roof is to be mindful of her space. If you share the same master bath, give her the privacy and make sure you leave the room when she's changing/showering. If you're changing/showering, and she comes in, then leave that alone (i.e. don't call her out for invading your privacy). But try to time those when she's not there or during times you know she's elsewhere in the house.

Here are some of the things I'm doing, and it may apply to your situation as well:

Don't follow her around the house. Don't initiate conversations with her unless necessary. Let her say "good night" and "good bye" to you first.

When she's watching TV, don't join her on the couch. Don't ask what she's watching.

When she's spending time with the kids in one part of the house, don't "jump in" to what they're doing. Allow her (or your children) to invite you in.


M: 15 years
BD: 6/25/14
EA/PA: starts 5/14/14
11/30/14 - A ends
5/15/15 - D is finalized.
11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
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HopeTex Offline OP
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Thanks mindsin, appreciate your feedback. I think I am doing those things right so far.

I get nervous that I am being too shut off from her, but I guess if I can be detached but still cordial and happy that is what we are shooting for at this point.


Me:42 W:41
M:12 T:3
D7, D7, S5
Sep#1 Winter 2012 for 4 months
W divorce bomb 6/9/14
Started "in-house separation" 7/2014
W files for D 8/28/14
I move out 9/27/14
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