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JCred #2474572 07/31/14 05:46 PM
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Maybell Offline OP
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Well, it would be true that the constant avoidance of conflict is a predictor for divorce, and in fact that is part of what occurred in my marriage that led to its failure.

At the moment, however, my H and I are NOT in conflict, we just are not connecting.

And in fact, although I am generally a good communicator, particularly here where I feel free to express myself and no real incentive for restraint... With my HUSBAND, there were a number of factors that prevented me from being as honest as you've seen. And there's a HUGE difference between communicating well via the written word and the spoke word.

In fact, if he and I were nothing but penpals for the rest of our lives, we'd be in perfect harmony. smile


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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I'm better in writing than face to face. You can slow down, think, edit when writing.

You can also learn to do that when speaking but it does take practice. I was always uncomfortable with silence in a conversation because I felt I had to fill it.

I don't. Those pauses can be valuable.

I like what you said about eating the elephant.

Slow down, take the pressure off yourself.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2474600 07/31/14 06:49 PM
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Maybell Offline OP
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Slowing down in person is one of the 180s I've been practicing on my kids. It's especially helpful with my daughter, whose temperament is very like my husband's. It's been AMAZING what a difference it's made in my relationship with her, and how much I'm learning about her. Also humbling.

With my H, it's a little different. He asks question after question about me, even now, but volunteers nothing about himself. It's one of my biggest pre-A frustrations. If I sit in silence HE will now fill it with more questions. My asking him about himself was one of his big complaints in MC and the source of his very few fits of anger. He doesn't feel comfortable talking about himself. Which also is why I thought I'd invite him to hear the musician -- no screen, but no need to chat unless we want to.

We'll see how that plays out. Today is today.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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I'm sympathising with your avoidance of conflict. That's also been a huge factor in how we got to where we are - we both avoided it until everything blew up. Now, it feels too late to fix things and there are deep, long-standing resentments on either side.

I like your approach slow down and communicate well, and it's good it's made a difference with your D. With you H., it may just take some time - it's an old pattern for him, and one that he's probably not working on actively changing right now (or might not even be thinking about). It sounds like it's something he's really uncomfortable with, so your plan of having something going on so you don't have to chat is great. Are there any questions that are less overtly about him that you could start asking to ease him into talking about himself a bit more gently?


M - 34
H - 36
Together 10 years
Married 4 years
BD - March, 2014
Meghan #2474660 07/31/14 09:07 PM
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Maybell Offline OP
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I have no idea about questions for H. He doesn't do much except work and run just a little bit and if I ask about the running I'll have to admit that I've let mine fall off a lot, even though I have a treadmill in the basement. And the work questions were specifically what he really hated being asked. He did volunteer something interesting about work when I helped assemble his couch but I don't have any idea how to follow up safely with additional questions. I tried... the conversation didn't really go anywhere. I tried to ask about books but it got a little sticky; I guess next I can start watching the news again and ask if he's kept up with world events (used to be one of our favorite hobbies), but I suspect given what I've seen on Netflix that he's fallen off. He didn't get cable at his apartment. And I haven't been keeping up either. Before he left we watched a lot of cooking shows, but that also isn't happening anymore, so...

I'm terrified of his travel. My dream the other day was about him having a one-night stand at a hotel and he's out of town this week, out of the country next week and part of the following, and then out of town again the week after that. I HATE his travel. Hate it.

And I'm not sure I'm going to invite him out because I don't know that we have many opportunities to interact so that it would be a natural invitation. I guess I'll have to wait & see. He had sent me a long text on Tuesday that he wanted to invite me and the kids out to dinner this week but couldn't because of the travel that popped up. I don't expect to hear from him at all today, even for the kids, because where he is usually means he's busy 8 am-midnight. Which I have ALWAYS hated. Have I mentioned how much I hate his travel?

On the DB severity spectrum I seem to fall somewhere in the low-to-mid range -- not as good as those who are still living together, though maybe better than some. It makes it weird to angst because I know how much worse it could be, but because I want it to be so much better I'm letting myself be miserable instead of appreciating that I don't have to build the platform at least for future pleasant interactions. If only I had learned about this stuff six months ago.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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Maybell Offline OP
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Sigh... and after all that angst, he just texted ME, and ONLY ME, to say he'd be calling shortly. And here I had expected to not hear from him today at all.

What shall we name this roller coaster?


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
JCred #2474692 07/31/14 11:14 PM
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Maybell,

Aren't you and your h avid readers? I'm sorry if I'm confusing your sitch with someone else's. If that is the case, perhaps an exchange regarding what each of you have been reading? Just a thought. Hope your call with h goes well.

J Cred- I think it's pretty well documented what taking the high road is on these boards. Keep reading and you will see that it can be quite the challenge:-)You will here many vets mention that term as well and no, not all WAS say or infer they are taking the high road. As a matter of fact, some MLCers will flat out admit that they are behaving horribly and continue that behavior. As I'm sure you've learned, DB is not a once size fit all approach. I'm pleasant to my h each time I see him-for me. That doesn't mean I'm giddy or fake. Just pleasant. And that's my nature in general. We will agree respectfully disagree again.

Sorry if I hijacked or got super sassy on your thread Maybell. Please let us know how your talk goes. Good luck!



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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Hi Maybell,

Thought I'd pop over and catch up on your sitch. I've only read a little, but will read more.

Conflict avoidance! We are in the same boat! That is the big issue my IC is trying to work on with me. I do it with everybody - family, friends, coworkers - everyone. I will do most anything to avoid conflict or hurting someone's feelings to my own detriment. I'm getting better at standing up for myself and voicing my opinions, but still have a lot of work to do. I can say this, though. It's not pleasant to engage in discord, but it feels really, really good not to feel like a doormat!

I also sympathize with the inability to talk about just little things. My H thinks about nothing but business. I work in the business, too, but it controls his life. That's all he thinks about. I refuse to let that happen to me.

But, when they are so single focused, it's almost impossible to talk about anything else. It's like you are annoying them if you try. If you are separated, it's even worse. The everyday stuff that you used to talk about just falls by the wayside.

I don't really have any advice for you since I haven't quite figured it out myself, but wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in your frustrations.

As for the name for the roller coaster, I call mine "Hall of Fame." There is song by Script called Hall of Fame about being a champion and in it they say you can "walk through Hell with a smile." We do it everyday, don't we??


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T: 23
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Maybell Offline OP
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Thanks, 2Times and GeorgiaBelle!

It's interesting to see the text exchanges we're engaging in. Like we're both trying to engage but not quite getting there. I started just validating everything that came out of his end -- noisy guy next to him, awkward arrival timing, etc.

We are both avid readers, but the one I just finished was for my daughter from a series he hates, and the one he just started he's not far enough in for me to ask about. Everything is just so awkward.

So I'll take every opening he gives me even if I feel silly. At least I'm not shutting him down. I'll share what's going on with me -- to a limit -- so I'm not shutting down myself. Hopefully things will warm from there.

The trickiest thing about it all is I think neither of us knows what the other is aiming for. I assumed that he moved out because he didn't want to be married to me, but apparently that's not entirely the case. And then I was so hurt (and there was the OW thing) that I wasn't willing to be open to him. Now things seem to be evolving but neither of us has said out loud any more than that we'd like to be warmer and friendlier with each other. He still wants his space, I still want my space, and neither of us knows how far that goes. Awkward.

At some point we'll have to clear the air, but it will be a good 2-3 weeks before that will happen, I think. I've gotten in the habit of assuming the worst so I can't be hurt again, and that may be no more helpful than getting my hopes up.

Conflict avoidance is much more his problem than mine, but I did absorb some of his bad habits in that area in the last several years.

2Times, I like your roller coaster name. smile


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
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Maybell Offline OP
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Well, we didn't talk. But we're exchanging text messages. It's better than it has been in a while. He's sharing a few things about work. So that's something. Actually, that's kind of a lot.

Every week hopefully a little better. This is an acceptable start.

On Labug's thread in 2011 there was a poster who said that the message on all the threads was smoothing the friction, then establishing friendship, then romance, then recommitment. Baby steps.

It's becoming really important to me that I 180 on the whole existing calmly in the face of uncertainty, because that's my kryptonite. Suggestions for strategies on achieving that are highly welcomed.

Last edited by Maybell; 08/01/14 12:21 AM.

Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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