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Thank you for your response. In my head this all makes sense to me. I wish I knew what was wrong with me.

Yesterday my wife emailed an 11-page letter discussing our marriage and my inability to let go of the hurt I feel when she yells at me. She says she has offered solutions and I have to accept these solutions or come up with new ones.

She said my inability to get over my hurt is destroying our marriage.

She is right. I have can’t seem to get over this hurt. The way I deal with it is very poor. I bottle it up and then when it became unbottled I moved out. I live in fear of it coming back. I don’t argue so I don’t handle it well.

I don’t know how to do this differently.

I do blame myself. I look at things as my being a failure. I tried and thought I was doing a good job but learned how I failed. I never realized the conflict avoidance I did or missing the emotional connection until I started therapy and then marriage counseling. I say I blame myself not in some noble sense but actual failure. There is nothing to be proud of in my failure.

I have a huge issue with my pain. The bad thing about it is I get wrapped up in it and I miss the pain my wife in. I certainly went through a time when all I saw was my pain and did not recognize her pain. So I am saying at one time I was even worse with my lack of recognition.

It’s like I want to yell, “See my pain understand my pain!” But I never think she really understands. Then I get frustrated with her and then I go get frustrated with myself. It is like a terrible circle saying “See there it is!” But when she says “Yes I see it!” I say “No you really don’t see it.”

I have done a bad job seeing how frustrating this is for her as I even recognize I am wrapped up in the pain but I cannot explain how overwhelming it is in my world. I think sometimes I can step out of myself a little and be rational and but then it consumes everything again.

I know she wants me to move home. And I want to come home. But there is something inside of me that won’t let me come home. I’m afraid.

I tried to stay in her life by mowing the lawn and doing chores around the house but she cut me off last week. She said enough was enough. She said I “was her husband not her gardener.” She demanded a commitment. I froze.

Here is my other dilemma: After I moved back home (after last year) my wife told people our marriage was going great. She never told anyone we were still having problems.

But I told people the truth…that we were still having problems. When I moved out this last time my wife didn’t tell anyone we split up again (she still hasn’t told anyone). But I told people. Mostly my family. Now they are pressuring me to get a divorce. I don’t know how to stand up to my family.

I really feel backed into a corner and I don’t know how to get out.

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I'm grateful for the vets because you guys are experienced in gifting 2X4. It truly helps get things in perspective when things just get crazy or confusing.

Bob, I would reread 25's post. That's some solid words of wisdom there. Actually, I would call it LBS boot camp! You'll be broken down to nothing so you can be rebuilt anew. If it seems harsh it's because you're not ready to accept your part in the demise of your M. Your mindset is not in the right state for growth. You're still pointing the finger at your wife. Yes, we know she has anger issues but she's not the one on here looking for help--YOU are! How can you receive help if you're not willing to own up to your issues? Stop focusing on what your W is doing wrong and how she's mistreating you (not that there's any valid excuse for abuse) and own up to your part. There's help for your issues here...plenty of it!

Be honest with yourself. Are you on here to save your M or are you wanting a reason to leave her permanently?


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M:3 years
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I want to save my marriage but I don't know how. I seem to be blowing everything up and I can't stop myself.

I read other posts and people were saying to "walk away" and "be aloof." "Make her come to you."

I think this is good advice. I can do this.

I did this last year. I moved out and cut off all communication. She begged me back after two months. She refused to sign the divorce papers. She admitted everything was her fault. She promised to go to counseling.

But this time is different. After I left she signed the papers and gave them to me. She said I can file them or not file them it's my choice.

I have acted aloof. I haven't called her. I go to the house and do chores but she stays gone when I am there. I put money in the joint account so our bills stay paid.

She never says thank you. She doesn't acknowledge any of this.

I honestly don't know what to do. She is different this time. It's not like last year. I don't think she is going to ask me to come home.

Acting aloof isn't working. "Having my own life" isn't working.

I don't want a divorce. I want to go home.

But I don't know how to get there.

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Originally Posted By: Bob1967
I want to save my marriage but I don't know how. I seem to be blowing everything up and I can't stop myself.


You need professional help, and there is no shame in that. Most of us got some.


I read other posts and people were saying to "walk away" and "be aloof." "Make her come to you."

I think this is good advice. I can do this.

There is no 'one size fits all' secret to this. It's a marathon, not a sprint. How old are you both? And is this the first marriage for you both?

Plus, you say this^^ about being aloof, but then you say "it's not working". IF it is not working, then Div Busting 101 says, Do not do that.

Do what does work. It's not easy, but it's not complicated.


I did this last year. I moved out and cut off all communication. She begged me back after two months. She refused to sign the divorce papers. She admitted everything was her fault. She promised to go to counseling.

Why would she "admit everything was her fault" AND how did that help you?

Why is assigning blame so important to YOU?



But this time is different. After I left she signed the papers and gave them to me. She said I can file them or not file them it's my choice.


So you are not trapped in any way. You are free to choose. That requires a very adult approach to this b/c marriage is a very adult thing to do and it takes 2 mature people to stay married for long.


I have acted aloof. I haven't called her. I go to the house and do chores but she stays gone when I am there. I put money in the joint account so our bills stay paid.

She never says thank you. She doesn't acknowledge any of this.


SO what part "Should" she thank you for? The "acting aloof", or not calling her?

And just so I'm clear, You both pay bills for the home you own, right? But you want her to thank YOU, for paying your share of the bills?

So... you must thank her for paying her share, right?


Bob, I think you need to lose the scorecard b/c it sounds as if you measure things A LOT and it sure sounds as if you need A LOT of reassurances and compliments to feel good about yourself.

While I can see that at least one of your love languages is words of affirmation, I also sense a very low self esteem in you, and Bob, that's NOT her job to fix. Self esteem comes from within, just as happiness does.

SHE is not responsible for how YOU see yourself. Do you get that?


Also, please read "The Five Love Languages" by Chapman.

I think your wife IS trying to show you her love for you, but you are dismissing it out of hand --- b/c it's not wrapped the way you want it wrapped.

And that is a tragedy for both of you.


I honestly don't know what to do. She is different this time. It's not like last year. I don't think she is going to ask me to come home.

1) maybe while you are apart, SHE is working on herself and SHE is changing. Maybe you ought to do the same.

2) You changed your tune with this^^ b/c earlier you said she was "begging" you to come home but you were worried she'd be mean to you again. Now you say you don't believe she'll ask you to come home. That's a switch.

You seem very confused, and I understand that. But it makes it harder to help you when you switch back and forth.

Really think out what you write here a bit more, and ask yourself each time if this is "new" and maybe just a temporary thought of yours, or if it is a BELIEF you now have and is well founded, and tell us that. We can adapt to your changes, we just have to know of them.

So she may be tired of you holding your threat to divorce her, over her head. She's saying "okay, go ahead" and I think she has done some work on herself since the last sep. I mean, she is different.

Now you concede that you hold onto your pain like a security blanket. That is very self destructive. Also it's a recipe for certain misery in life...

Bob, you need some help. You cannot go around clinging to your pain and think someone else can fix that in you. Sometimes we hold onto our pain b/c we think the other person does not deserve us letting go of it.

Holding onto pain to get even with someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire,



to get smoke in their eyes....




Acting aloof isn't working. "Having my own life" isn't working.


When you say it "isn't working" do you mean SHE is not asking you home?
B/c getting your own life is NOT about getting an invitation home, it's about YOU not being so co-dependent on your spouse.

These are not "tactics" to win your w back but ways for you to genuinely change from within.

So what do you mean when you say it's not working?

I think you misunderstood what GAL is for. Did you read the Div Busting book? OR the Div Remedy book? Seriously, did you read them?


I don't want a divorce. I want to go home.

But I don't know how to get there.



You need to get some Individual counseling for YOU, to work on letting go of the past, to not portray yourself as a victim, to recognize how some of your actions are punitive to her, to see your own role in your marriage's problems.

If you insist on blaming her for everything, there is nothing WE can do to help YOU. And by the way, stop telling other people about the marriage problems.
OF course they'll tell you to divorce her. That's what ALL my friends told me. Did you read the books? IT tells you right in there that all our friends here is OUR side of things and how HURT WE are. They don't want to see us hurt so they tell us to file for divorce....but that is NOT the answer to our problems most of the time.

(Aside from blaming her for all of it, which is unfair and inaccurate, you're also making yourself look weak, and YOU are painting yourself into a corner). Keep private marital issues, private.

Moreover, my DB coach told me to keep the road home, paved and smooth.

But you are making it harder on yourself AND her, when you tell other people how bad and "abusive" she is to you.

I happen to believe you play a much bigger role in your problems than you were admitting til today, so it might help if you tell others WHO ASK (and no more new people hearing about your private problems, please) that you now see that you "played a role in the problems, and you are working thru them" and don't go into detail.

Regardless of whether you two reconcile, that ^^ statement makes you sound a lot stronger, more responsible, and as if the marriage has a chance, than still blaming her for everything and then wondering why she isn't inviting you home.

I'd be surprised if she invited you home WHILE you still blame her for everything.

Lose the scorecard of measuring who did what to whom, and all the resistance to making changes in you, "before SHE Does!!" You are here b/c you say you want to stay married. So don't argue about who should make the changes first. YOU are the one here; she's not. We cannot help her.

And the person who wants to stay married DOES have to take the first step...and the 2nd step and the third step, and the next 58306 steps, b/c WE are here working on saving our marriages; our spouses are not.

YOU need to work on YOU and she needs to work on HER but it's not your job to tell her that.

Stay in your sandbox, figure out why you hold onto your pain for so long and why you have the need to tell other people that you are a victim.

BTW, how was forgiveness modeled for you in your childhood?

And why you are playing that role so much when you also know you have done some pretty hurtful things to her?

Scorecards and our "lists of grievances" are huge examples of a spouse keeping a record of wrongs, which we are told when getting married, we are NOT to do. (That is in Corinthians, if you are Christian).

And it's common sense, but a lot of people do keep score. What they forget is that their spouse has their own scorecard, and on their scorecard, we are NOT "Winning".


For example, you talk of your pain...though I asked you how you thought your wife felt about how you have been rejecting her sexually for some time. You did not answer that question. I hope you gave it some thought.

I think you overlooked how your refusal to be intimate with her makes HER feel.

You said you can't be intimate until she treats you --- (but you are very vague about what that means) --so it just looks as if she must meet your conditions (accept all responsibility for ALL problems in the marriage???) before you'll be intimate with her.

And that's using sex as a weapon or tool of manipulation.

Bob, clearly You DO withhold affection...and you refused to commit to the marriage ---WHILE saying you cannot be intimate without a commitment...

Can you see how frustrating that would be for any woman to deal with?

It's a lot of mixed signals from you, and that's b/c you are confused. So she must be confused as well, don't you think?

I Know you say you want to go home, but that is NOT what you said just a few days ago.

Now that you are considering how SHE FEELS when you reject her, maybe you can see that on her scorecard, she has plenty to feel hurt from.

That's yet another reason why the scorecards need to be tossed. Do what the vows say to do and go "from this day forward"..

what can YOU work on, NOW?




M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

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Relax, I know it's uncomfortable right now but I think you're in a good place.

Get your anxieties in check because this is your enemy right now and it will sabotage all your positive work/changes. This is why going out and GAL is important. It's paramount to your success in DBing. I know you're desperately seeking for answers and solutions and you will find them here and in the books. However, the answers and solutions are not quick-fixes or immediate remedies. You will have to get comfortable with being in your pain as you move forward. You will be in pain even when you're out GAL and this is a natural process. You can progress out of the immense feelings of hopelessness associated with this kind of stitch. But only with time. So be patient!

Yeah, she signed the papers. So what? Does that mean you're gonna give up fighting? You can if you want to but then you're on this site so you must really want to save your M. In this case, good for you. You've made the decision to do something about it rather than just take the easy way out by divorcing. People give many and some of them are justifiable reasons for wanting a D but it does not mean it's okay or always the right thing to do.

Her comment about giving you the choice to file or not shows she's expecting you to do something and she's probably expecting that you will give up and file because this is how she expects you to behave. Notice the word "expect." What do you think she expects you to do? She knows you enough to know your habits and tendencies. We are creatures of habit. So what you will need to do is challenge her expectations of your typical behavior. This could be a good 180 for you. Stop following the cheeseless tunnels! You've read DR, right?

You say she begged you to come home when you cut her off. This is positive! She obviously loves you. Don't be a dummy! What I think may have happened is that the distance you created made her realize she didn't want a D and this is obvious by her refusal to sign the papers. She was desperate and didn't want to lose you. Can't you see that? Yeah, she begged and pleaded and took responsibility for everything and made promises but if you think about it...was it really fair? Did you really expect her to take all the blame? Could you not have been man enough to say "No honey, it's not all your fault. I had a part in it too. I truly love and care about you and want to work this out but I just don't know how."? Simple, right? Why can't we respond in a loving way when it's most needed from us? Because we are scared of being hurt and and so we default to a self-protective stance. It's okay to feel scared but, if you continue to put up a wall all you will get is a cheeseless tunnel.

Did she go to counseling like she promised? If not, why do you think this is? What did you offer as a concession to work on the M? Or did you offer anything at all? I'm guessing in your resentment you left it all to her to make the change and steer the R to greener pastures. But it didn't happen, huh? Be honest, why do you think that is? I can tell you but then that would take away from your learning and the point is to learn more about you and your habits.

Perhaps you have mistaken aloofness for detaching. We detach lovingly. Being aloof requires some sort of unfriendliness. We're not unfriendly! It will take time (look there it is again) to fine tune your skills in loving detachment. Patience is a virtue.

Continue to act in a positive manner even if you have to fake it. Yes, this is one exception to faking things. Paying the bills...that's good. You're doing the right thing. How does she contribute or are you the sole bread winner in the M? If she's negating her financial responsibilities then you can set healthy boundaries in a friendly way with help from us here. If there's no harm in you stopping the chores then stop. She has asked, right? Your acts of service (unless there's a necessity to them) won't be acknowledge if it's not her love language. And why are you expecting her to acknowledge them? Why expect a thank you for paying bills? Are you doing them just to get her to notice? Please don't take away from this that being helpful and dutiful is a bad thing. It's good and it will come in handy...later. There will be a time for thank you's also. Eventually.

She is different this time for a reason. She's had enough and she's looking for change or a way out. Which will you give her? You can go home albeit not without challenges. Whose choice was it to leave? Is there a reason why you can't go home? What's your motivation for wanting to go back home? When you are back home what do you expect will happen? How are you going to change things around so she starts to notice that you do care about saving the M? Do you have a plan? Are you ready to go home?

GAL does not work only because you think it this way. Time for mental makeover. Adopt a PMA (positive mental attitude.)The more positive you think and feel the more it will become a reality.


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I don’t know how to copy and paste. So I will just answer.

I am seeing a therapist. I began seeing someone immediately after the first time I moved out on my wife (last year). We’ve been dealing with my all my issues. I honestly thought I was pretty normal before I started seeing the therapist but she has uncovered a lot of pent-up pain. My wife says that have latched on to my therapy and used it as an excuse to “get dumber.”

When I say that my “wife admitted that everything was her fault” I mean she admitted she called me names. We went to marriage counseling for this. I have accepted a lot of responsibility for the things I have done wrong in this marriage. I should have never left. It was a terrible thing to do. If I could go back in time I would have never left my wife.

My wife has apologized for her behavior and marriage counselors have taught her different strategies for communications. But when she gets angry she ignores these strategies. I would remind her that she wasn’t allowed to yell or we needed to take a break from the issue things like that but it would just enrage her. When she gets angry she doesn’t care about the rules.

I’m not trying to assign blame. But I really am the victim. I am happy to go to counseling. I am happy to work on our problems. I am happy to do anything she wants as long as she doesn’t yell at me or call me names.

I don’t think I am being unreasonable. I kept telling her this over and over and over again. But she won’t stop yelling at me.

Here is the situation with the divorce papers:

I admit I did things really poorly last year when I left. I moved out suddenly and sent her divorce papers three days later. When she refused to sign them I hired an attorney and tried to force her to sign them. She refused and asked me to not to file divorce paper and go to marriage counseling. I agreed to the marriage counseling but filed divorce papers without telling her. When she learned (a month later) I had filed the divorce papers she pleaded with me to give her another chance. This is when I moved home. One of the provisions to moving home was she had to sign a contract I drafted. It said if the marriage didn’t work out after 6 months both one of us could file for divorce and the other one wasn’t allowed to protest.

I destroyed the contract after 3 months. But she was really hurt. I understand why she was hurt. I know I acted poorly the way I left her last year and the way I came home. But, in my defense I was really hurt. I had enough of her emotional and verbal abuse and something just snapped. At the time I was just running.

If she would have given me time to process everything I think I would have been able to put our marriage back on the right track. But when I came home she was so angry at me. The screaming started almost immediately. She said I “dissolved her life without her permission.”

She would be fine for a couple of weeks and then she would explode and say she “didn’t give a rat’s ass about my pain after what I had done to her.” She would say she “hated me” and wanted me “to fix this.”

The bottom fell out when she demanded I develop a plan to put our marriage on a “positive track.” She gave me a deadline. She said I could either put our marriage on a positive track or I could move out.

I thought I was putting our marriage on a positive track! I pay the bills. I do chores around the house! I don’t fight with her—even when she picks fights with me. I ask her day and try to get her to discuss things that are important to her.

On “D” day she told me to leave. WHAT!!!! I couldn’t believe it. She wasn’t angry or anything. Just the opposite. She was very calm. Very nice about it. I took everything I owned, put in the car and left.

About a week later I was at the house and she handed me two sets of papers. One was signed divorce papers and the other was signed separation papers. She said the papers are mine to “Whatever you want. Whenever you want.”

I didn’t know what to do so I haven’t done anything. The last time we spoke I said I would file the separation papers and she didn’t say anything. I said I would file a property agreement and she still didn’t say anything.

So this is what I mean by “this time is different.”

Both you and Paz asked about the money. Ironically my wife has the higher income. She makes about $25,000 more a year than me. Money has never been an issue in our marriage. I don’t think she should thank me for paying my share of the bills but I’m not living there and I’m paying for an apartment. I’m not blaming my wife—she hasn’t asked for a dime—but it would be nice if she acknowledged that I didn’t walk out on the bills.

I have read the “The Five Love Languages” and “Hold Me Tightly” and “Walking on Eggshells” and probably every book that has been written. I’m broken. I get it.

Why can’t I explain this?

I had a life. It had a wife, a house and a dog in it. But I blew this life up and I can’t seem to get it back.

Now I live in a one bedroom apartment on the third floor next door to some guy who just graduated college. I’m 45 years old. I don’t want to get a life. I want my old life back.

My wife would let me come home tonight if I called, said I was an ass and asked to come home.

But I can’t make the first step. She has to be the one. She has to show that she understands. I will not bend on this issue. The last conversation we had I said, “You do not understand how much your have hurt me.”

Her reaction was to send me a pretty hostile email she said she was “sick and tired of being the villain in my House of Pain and Suffering.”

And she went on a tirade minimizing all my hurt. It was humiliating to read, I responded as I always do…with an apology. Instead of dropping it she sent back another rant more irrational than the first. She accused me of being controlling, manipulative. Again I apologized.

Her behavior makes it impossible to mtke any steps toward reconciliation. If I contact her first it will give her permission to attack me.

I need tools to cope right now. I also needs tools on how to help her make the move I’m really worried because I don’t think she is going to make any more moves toward me. She sent a couple of very angry emails accusing me of an affair.

On Monday she sent an email listing everything she felt went wrong with our marriage she ended it by saying she was very sad about how things turned out. I responded saying I had not gotten over my hurt and the way I dealt with it was very poor. I explained that I bottled it up and then it would explode.

She has not replied. I know she is not going to respond.

What do I do?

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I think I did something really stupid but I didn't realize it was stupid until just now.

I decided to file for a separation. I think it is the best thing while we are living apart. It protects us legally.

I filed on Friday and put the papers in the mail for my wife on Saturday.

I left a message on the home phone today telling her I filed the separation papers on Friday, August 1. I told her to expect the papers in the mail. I also offered to a mow the lawn and do any chores she needed.

After I hung up I realized what day I filed the separation papers and got sick to my stomach.

Here is the back story:

In 2013 when I moved out the first time I served my wife with divorce papers. She refused to sign. After a month I hired an attorney who called my wife. My wife refused to cooperate.

I told my wife I wouldn't file the papers if she would go to marriage counseling. I lied. I filed the papers without her knowledge. When my wife returned from a business trip on August 1 the papers were waiting for her. She was devastated. This is when she called and begged me to come home.

I didn't realize until I hung up the phone today that I had filed for a legal separation on August 1. Exactly one year after she had gotten notice I filed for divorce last time.

I know filing a separation is in our best interest legally. But I know she is going to think I am doing this to punish her for not contacting me in the last two weeks.

What do I do?

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It's tough, Bob. I get it. From the outside the solution seems so simple but from the inside it feels impossible to attain.

There seems to be so much animosity between you and your W that it's literally keeping you guys apart. I imagine you guys with your hands up about to engage in a fist fight. While neither of you want to be there you find yourselves there and wonder why the other is there too. So you second guess each other's motives and without knowing what the facts are of why you're both there you both put up a wall and become defensive towards one another. You're both ready to take the punch just as soon as the other hits first. You're calling each other's bluffs for no other good reason than fear. You're both hurt and scared and fear is the sole motivator.

I really don't know what to say to help you because you seem to be in a defeated mental state. So everything you say about your W and your stitch is closed ended. It's as if you're still arguing your side and you want us to side with you. I think I can speak for everyone here when I say that we don't want to take sides. We support you, yes but we're not siding against you or your W. We're pro M.

So for a moment...step out of the defeated mental state and dig deep. How can you reframe your mind so that the things you say or think and feel about your M is something that can be remedied. Get out of the "I've tried but nothing works" mentality and switch into "I have tried but there's gotta be something else I can try."

On the S matters. What you choose to do with either S or D papers is entirely up to you. However, you can't go through with a decision and then wonder if you did the right thing. It should be the other way around. Seek solid advice first before proceeding with something this serious. Why do you feel it is the right thing (legally) for you to do? Does she agree with this? If she doesn't can you understand how she may perceive it as you pushing your agenda on her? I hope you didn't do it just to get a reaction out of her because that's just petty. Secondly, if your really concerned about her feelings then perhaps this decision should have been a mutual one. Why did you go ahead with it? Was it just hopelessness on your part? During your time away (recently) what has she done? How has she behaved towards you? Listen to what she says and does without first adding your own meaning to it. Bring it here for help. Or, definitely bring it to a DB coach.

Read, post, and keep posting.


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I think I’m one of those people who can clearly see solutions for everyone else but I’m blind as a bat when it comes to me.

I can’t tell you why I think a legal separation is the best thing. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

The last time my wife and I had contact was July 28. She sent an email with an 11 page letter attached. It explained how she felt. The letter wasn’t combative.


In summary (these are her words) she said she felt marriage was a place where she should be able to express herself openly without fear of being judged or disliked. It was a place where we would learn about life as we aged. She thought it would be a place where we would experience extreme emotions but she didn’t think we would always experience extreme emotions at the same time. She thought marriage should be a place where we would protect each other when extreme emotions happened. A safe haven so we didn’t have to walk through life alone.

Then she said she was wrong. She didn’t feel our marriage wasn’t any of those things.

She said, “Everyone seemed to know my marriage was shallow but me. I feel like I just learned I was in a very shallow relationship. And I’m overwhelmed with this information. I feel stupid. I thought I was in this amazingly intimate relationship. And suddenly I learned that I was wrong. You knew it. Your family knew it. Your friends knew it. This is probably why everyone thought it was a good idea for you to divorce me the minute it got difficult for you. And why no one, including you, applauded me for fighting to hold on to this marriage. I can’t imagine how pitiful I look to everyone. Like I said, I just feel stupid and overwhelmed. And humiliated. I feel really humiliated. I can honestly say that I think I’ve humiliated myself enough for one lifetime. I just wanted to get all this off my chest. You can tell your friends and family that I won’t bother you anymore.”


On July 28, I sent her an email response:


“I read your response. I had a few thoughts. I am afraid this may be rambling, but my mind is going one hundred miles. You reference my apologies but my inability to change. I will say maybe it is not easy for a person to see their own changes so maybe I am missing something or even a lot, but I honestly felt I was able to change and be more supportive. I tried to be there more as a better listener and just be supportive. I was never perfect and I know you never said I had to be perfect. I want you to know I did try. I thought I was changing my ways. I know you did also.
“I tried to write yesterday about how I recognized your pain and hurt. I don’t pretend to know it all as I firmly believe nobody can truly know how another person feels. I can recognize the hurt and pain I caused and as I have said this will be something that haunts me. In no way though do I somehow think I was the only one in pain and you were not. When things first went bad I thought I was the only one hurting. I missed your pain and that was wrong. I came to recognize I caused pain and hurt.
“You are right I have not gotten over my hurt. The way I deal with it is very poor. I bottled it up and then when it became unbottled I live in fear of it coming back. I don’t argue I don’t handle it well. At times I thought I knew more than you and tried to push my ways on you this was wrong but I tried to stop doing this.”


This was the last communication between us.

When I left the message on the voice mail on August 4 telling her I filed the separation papers she didn’t call or email me.

I don’t know how to proceed. I’m genuinely baffled.

Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
You mention alot about your W complaining about you. What did she actually complain about? It sounds like she wanted you to stand up and be a leader but you would bottle things up and run away. What were her SPECIFIC complaints. I'm not talking about the nonsense rants, but the actual viable complaints.

Did you ever read the DB/DR books?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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