Had a great night out with a friend; dinner, great conversation and a movie at her place. H sent a couple of logistical texts, which I didn't reply to until very late because I did not take my phone with me.
Woke up this morning with another knot/nausea in my stomach but this one was very small compared to yesterday morning. I'm actually starting to wonder if it's somehow related to getting used to the AD's I'm taking.
I've been thinking about all the things that frighten me about being alone so I can work on conquering them, I'd like to work on being more confident and independent. *Finances -- investments and bills don't scare me but not having ENOUGH money definitely does *the House -- potentially having to move, feeling overwhelmed by home maintenance There are actually several other things that I worried about when H and I first separated that I've been pleased to find are more manageable than I expected.
In terms of Finances, I've figured out a budget and the problem is I can't afford this house alone. H would have to be willing to agree to pay above and beyond CS so the kids and I could stay here, I'm hoping he would for a couple of years so we can offer them some stability if it comes to D. Home maintenance is another related worry because with Finances so tight, I wouldn't have much $$ to outsource things that would be tough for me to manage on my own.
I keep trying to remind myself that lots of people do this on their own, there's no reason I can't, there's got to be a way! Right now my plan is to try to take care of a bunch of home maintenance things relatively soon while H and I are still together and finances combined. Get myself well positioned for at least the next year.
I know folks may think I'm jumping the gun thinking through all this but it actually comforts me to plan for the worst. Uncertainty generates a lot of anxiety for me. If I know I can handle things either way I think that will do a lot to help calm my moods.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Maybe If h is handy he can help with mate de issues as he's on the house too!
If the value and maintenance goes down he is directly effected. If it increased he would also benefit. He might be willing to look at it that way? Perhaps.
Is a job change going to help with money issues? What sort of job can you get to increase the budget? Ironing house cleaning office cleaning mending clothing alterations? Sell items on eBay?
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Funny thing is, H is not particularly handy. Although his father is and occasionally helps us. Honestly, I feel like the less I can depend on H the better. Even though, as you said, he has an interest in the value of the house as well. That's actually why I'm hoping he would be willing to help pay the mortgage for a few years. We only brought it 3 years ago (and probably overpaid) so would likely take a loss if we tried to sell it right now.
In terms of increasing income, I would not change jobs. My job is really good and I actually have a good income from it (just too much house!). I have a lot of flexibility, a very understanding boss, can work at home when I need to and am on a good career path currently. I've thought about possibly retail during the holidays as a second job for a little additional income. Not sure how that would work but maybe? I've also thought I could rent out a room in my house but I think that would have to be just the right situation for me to feel comfortable (a friend of a friend or something).
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
I don't think there's ANYTHING wrong with having contingency plans at this stage, mdu, and I think it's very different from the "stinkin' thinkin'" stuff we've been slapping you about occasionally. "Have hope for the best, but plan in case the worst" to slightly modify that popular phrase, I say.
Could you possibly move into a decent-sized TOWNHOME, or even single-family home RENTAL? One whereby the lawn and even home maintenance are the owner/landlord's responsibility, but you're still giving your kids a safe, comfortable home? One whose size is suitable for the 3 of you if it came to that, but still comfortable for your husband if he comes back and fully commits to the marriage?
Just a thought. Having a 2-year rental on a good-sized single-family home that was in both of our sons' school boundaries (so they didn't have to change schools during an already-difficult sitch) was a really good piece of my wife's and my reconciliation, that worked out well.
Yes, we could definitely move into a townhome or even just a smaller home so the mortgage is not so huge and I have more funds available to outsource home maintenance stuff. And eventually I would likely do that. But for a while I've been thinking that figuring out how to stay in this house for the next 3 years would probably be ideal:
1). it offers the kids some stability, they love the community and have many friends here they play with every day. I would hate to take that away on top of D. 2). it offers me some stability, I'm comfortable and feel safe here, know all the neighbors, know folks who will help me in a pinch, etc. 3). we just brought this house 3 years ago and likely would not get our money back if we sold right now, waiting a couple years *might* give us a better chance. 4). staying here for the next 3 years ensures the kids don't have to move schools 5). who knows what might happen in 3 years, maybe at that point I would be able to afford it on my own. Maybe H and I would be back together. Maybe I will have a sugar daddy ;-)
Anyway, overall seems more prudent then selling and moving any time soon.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
My understanding of MDU's sitch is that her husband has withdrawn from the reconnecting that was going on, but that she doesn't have any firm information as to why, if the A with the OW is definitely rekindled or if he's thinking things through/balancing his options owing to the new situation.
Also that the change to the situation was only a couple of weeks ago.
Also that at no point while they were reconnecting was he moving at the pace that MDU wanted.
Also that the entire scenario has been in play for a relatively short period of time.
And she's talking about throwing in the towel and filing for divorce now based on a stack of unknowns.
I'm not arguing against having contingency plans. I'm DEFINITELY not accusing MDU of being overly emotional or irrational. I'm just confused as to the urgency.
MDU, I'm sorry if this is a hijack. I've been relying heavily on the advice you receive for my own situation and I want to make sure I'm understanding it clearly because I feel like every time I weigh in that Starsky shoots me down. If I'm wrong, I'd REALLY like to know why.
Thanks.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I know you're looking for Starsky's POV but fwiw, here's mine :-)
I don't see how fleshing out a contingency plan can HURT. It helps me gain confidence that I can handle things no matter what. And having that confidence helps ensure that if I'm going to continue to stand for my M I'm doing it for the right reasons (i.e., not just because I fear being on my own). It also prepares me in case H suddenly does approach me for D. Or if something I just can't tolerate happens and I decide I'm ready to file.
So it's notsomuch that I'm about to file for D but I'm ready if it comes up. And as we all know, things can turn on a dime in these sitches!
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
I don't think a contingency plan can hurt. The way I read your post it was less a contingency and more a "This is happening so I'd better get moving in the other direction." Also because I thought you had contingency plans in place before I read it less that you were revisiting plans that (in my memory) were only a few weeks old but already in place, and more ready to actually implement.
I'm terribly sorry if I misread. I really, truly feel for your situation and I was hoping to contribute to propping up your PMA.
Best to you!!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Yes, it's basically the same contingency plan as I came up with a while ago. I'm mostly reaffirming it. And I guess I'm also implementing it A BIT by planning to start taking care of some house stuff in prep for *if* I land here permenately alone.
But I'm not planning to file for D at the moment. I spoke to IC this morning and agreed not to rush anything. Even if I discover the A has resumed I promised to take some time to calm down and get my ducks in a row. IC is away for a few weeks so that forces some restraint -- I promised to wait for her to come back before I do anything drastic, no matter what.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
