Stay positive! I hope things with your son's school thing works out for the best...who knows what is in store!
Try to enjoy your holiday's with your kiddos...I am like you, not ready for the Christmas holiday at all. I am not even sure my kids are looking forward to it either...so much has change!
But I digress. I just wanted to see how things are with you!
I'm here...we are all here, if you need.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
Ragged tonight. The twists and turns of XH's bizarre behaviour are hard to endure.
Those of you who've been following recent developments will recall that XH recently announced he was moving interstate.
OW's luxury apartment (just around the corner from us) was put up for rent. XH organised the move while OW has been holidaying in Paris.
Then a week ago, XH announced he was no longer going to pay half of S16's school fees.
When he did so, I asked him where he thought S16 could go - as we live in a suburb where there is, controversially, no local public secondary school.
XH proposed the one public school that is located in the CBD. I pointed out that it is impossible to get in to due to demand, but XH was emphatic. He stormed off to prove to me that S16 could get in.
Next day I received an email demanding that I tell him what arrangements I was making for S16's schooling next year.
I think XH had found out, as I did as soon as I looked on the school's website, that we do not even live within it's zone of eligibility.
Our zone is for a public school that is so notorious for problems that it has had to change it's name. It's stats for college attendance of its students are among the lowest in our state. Basically, almost none of the students who attend go on to higher education.
I replied with the following email: Dear XH,
If you intend to cease paying your agreed half of S16's school fees, it is up to you to propose alternative arrangements.
You indicated that you intended to do this yesterday, specifically mentioning that you were going to approach ABC School.
Please let me know what transpired when you phoned them.
Please also provide some evidence to support your claim that you are struggling financially.
As you would be aware, it is not rational to believe that you can simply state that you are struggling in order to avoid a financial obligation.
Kind regards, XW"
XH then insisted in his reply email that I tell him when he could speak to S16 to announce that he could no longer attend his private school. The date I nominated was this afternoon.
One hour before the appointed time I received another email from XH. It said:
"Hi XW,
Please let me know what arrangements you are making for S16 next year. I have spoken with his current school and they also require you to clarify the situation with them.
I will not be making arrangements for him as you are the custodial parent. I do not have access to him or co-operation from him or yourself. I had offered to discuss this with you but you refused.
Thanks"
Then he did not show up at the appointed time.
No other communication.
He is not going to tell S16, I assume.
He has simply wiped the whole issue from his field of concern. He is moving away and we are none of us on his radar any more.
I'm not sure how to proceed. I feel very worn out.
NLW - How are you doing? Been thinking about you. We are doing ok but decided not to put up a tree this year. We are leaving to visit family on Christmas Eve and thought with the girls and final exams to just keep it simple.
I thought about trying to get everything down by myself but my heart wasn't in it so maybe keeping it simple is better. Next year we will feel stronger.
Just popped by to say hi.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
I am very sorry that he continues to be a PIA. If I were you, I'd go ahead and start checking out some of the schools that your son could possibly go to, but I wouldn't share that info w/your h at this time. As for notifying the school that he's attending, why would you need to tell them now? I would think that this is something would be done later in the school year.
Have you spoken to the school accounting department to see if you could possibly set up some sort of payment plan to cover the half your h won't be paying? I know you would prefer he attend this school, maybe if you explained the situation to them, they may be able to offer some suggestions in the way of finances.
Right now your xh's focus is on moving and he couldn't care less about you or his son. It's shameful and I'm not surprised he didn't make the appointed time to sit down w/his son and explain the situation to him. As for him being in a financial crunch, I don't buy it and I'm sure you don't either. Why? Because he doesn't know what next year will bring money wise and to announce it now just tells me he's a selfish PIA.
I hope that something comes along and changes his mind as nothing is more important than a good education and a child who is happy w/his school.
Take care.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
NLW- I think we were posting at the same time. I just read your update.
Perhaps now is the time to consult an attorney. If H is reluctant to share financials with you then you may have to hire someone else to take up this fight. Is there a way to get H to continue paying fees until a permanent settlement is worked out? Not sure of the laws where you live but in the US most judges would consider his withdrawal of support unacceptable unless he can show evidence his income dropped substantially. At this point your primary obligation is to your son and if you have legal recourse to get him through school then I would pursue that ASAP. In our country you can get an emergency hearing so a judge can rule to keep everything status quo.
My H has also completely taken us off his radar. It is as if we no longer exist except as distant relatives he used to spend time with. My children are hurt but the stronger I am in carrying on the stronger they seem to be. If your son sees you fighting for his right to graduate from the school he knows and loves then he will model that strength no matter what the outcome.
Another handy tool is to communicate via email but whenever possible cc someone else. For instance if you are discussing school arrangements then call the headmaster to get information, relay information to H in an email and copy the headmaster. H can't manipulate or rewrite facts if there is a third party in the conversation. This is also why a lawyer is helpful if H is withdrawing support.
I wish we didn't have to be here discussing these things. I trusted H 100% but now he is so erratic that I am relieved I hired an attorney and can at least get the finances ironed out. i keep telling myself that if these decisions are made as if I am handling a business and not being vindictive then I am on the right path. The emotional side of things will have to wait.
My D16 loves her school and I know having to switch would be completely unfair and cruel at this point.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
I agree w/Gwen...it's time to think about putting something legally in place where it comes to support for your son. I know you probably don't want to go that route right now, but it's important to get something set up and if you have to, have his wages garnished and the money sent directly to your account. It's shameful the way he's handled this situation.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Gwen, Job, thanks for your help - and Gwen, I really appreciate hearing about your similar circumstances.
Would you believe I have done the whole attorney thing. Spent tens of thousands and the settlement is all done and dusted - and STILL xh continues to ignore the orders.
He is SO tricky. He has steadfastly refused to reveal even one minute detail of his financial situation throughout all of this. He has no assets in his name and is self-employed. When the Judge ordered him to file his outstanding tax returns, he just pulled out of the whole court process.
ANYWAY, I continue to do what I can.
And would you believe - yesterday I got some great news!
Child support agency, who I was working with to re-assess the amount XH claims he earns, FOUND IN MY FAVOUR!!!!!
It means he is ordered to pay almost 3X the amount he currently does pay per month (the bare minimum) for support for S16. AND, he has to back-pay.
YAAAAAAAY
Of course, it's probably only a moral victory. He will argue that he can't pay... will object to the decision.... he simply won't pay.
But still, I feel so happy to be vindicated by some sort of outside observer.
So, while I suspect my feeling of joy will be short-lived, I am a very happy little person atm. If the extra money does, somehow, come through, it will make such a difference.
