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bashy Offline OP
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Thank you so much Maybell


M 35 W 31
D 10
Married 3 years
Together 11
Single since Nov 13
Moved out Dec 13
ILYBNILWY, 'I don't want to be a boring housewife, 'I don't fancy you any more'
OM confirmed Jun 14
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 273
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bashy Offline OP
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Broke down badly yesterday. Everything getting on top of me. Rang my aunt sobbing like a baby. Then dad came home and saw me. Was embarrassing. Rang doctor for tablets but can't see him until today. Taken a few days off work. They've been great. Worst day since split. Drained.

Then WAW text last night worrying about tax credits and possible a fine. I was feeling a little better then but didn't let on how bad I'd been earlier. I replied: "If you're worried you just need to ring. I'm at the end of the phone. Anytime. Anywhere. Any place. Day or night. How's that for a response."

She tried to ring but I didn't hear. Then text saying it was typical I ignored her. I rang back saying reception on phone was bad. She said in a jokey way was I looking a fight ie my long text. I asked did she like it. She laughed.

Anyway, ten minute chat. Worried about her future. I validated like a champion. Been reading up on them on a recent post. I came off the phone positive.

Today I collected D again for horses. Somehow WAW got angry saying I wasn't supporting her, then somehow our marriage was brought up. Can't remember how. But she hit out again at me texting other girls before we split last time. Then complained about me working nights and how she'd said it was affecting us but I was only now trying to get on day shift.

I told her I recognised my problems in my marriage and was working on improving myself. I then asked her does she accept and recognise her role. She said she did. I asked her what were they. She looked at me embarrassed And smiled nervously. She couldn't answer.

I stayed calm throughout and didn't shout but I was seething inside. She's made her bed and I can't keep running but I feel she's using me. But the talk of her hurt and the same issues being brought up makes me think there's hope.


M 35 W 31
D 10
Married 3 years
Together 11
Single since Nov 13
Moved out Dec 13
ILYBNILWY, 'I don't want to be a boring housewife, 'I don't fancy you any more'
OM confirmed Jun 14
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,428
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Hi Bashy,

Feel honored that you asked me to take a look at your thread! Are you looking for feedback on something in particular?

A couple of things jump out at me, that others have said to you as well. If you work on detaching (with does NOT mean not caring about your M at all, and it does NOT mean being angry. 25years posted something great about detaching on my thread.) Anyway, detaching will help you deal with the situations that come up.

I think you handled the issue with the pick up at your dad's nicely. You set a clear boundary (and look how she responded!). I suppose you could have validated her feelings (but I'm not so good at this, so maybe someone else could offer a suggestion of what you could have said.

The question about texting her later to thank her for being cordial to your dad? Not detached.

My tactic (which is really for me, not just for my M), is to have an anti-argument shield. My H gets anxious, pushes my buttons, etc. I'm training myself to pause, take a breath, and respond calmly.

I've said things like, "Oh, I hear what you're saying. That makes sense. I'd like to think about that for a bit." or "Hmm, let me think about that. I think I get what you are saying. What do you think about..."

Hope some of this helps. Hang in there. Keep calm and carry on... ;-)


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

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bashy Offline OP
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Heh Claire. I feel honoured for u to take the time to look at my thread.

Interesting things happened today. After our 'chat' this morning the normal thing for me to do would be to text or ring WAW and clear the air but I didn't. Then I for a call from her at lunch asking how D was when I left her off to horses. I acted confident, calm etc and said all was gd. Normally I'd then ask how she was and discuss our 'chat' but I said nothing. There was a pause from her as if she wanted or was expecting my usual chat but I said goodbye and we hung up.

Then I was reading a number of threads this afternoon and something 25 said ages ago just hit me. She said to LISTEN to what WAW is saying. And I remembered the chat this morning about WAW hitting out at me about texting those girls years ago. So I rang her. I told her I only realised today after her telling me four or five times of the last nine months if how hurt she seemed about those texts. I apologised for the hurt I caused her and didn't realise the pain she had felt even though I'd changed after when we eventually got back together. She thanked me and I said goodbye.

So, a few hours later I got this text from her: "Thank you for apology earlier. That's took a lot of balls. I guess its something that I never really truly forgave you for. Think it was more I never understood why you did it and how you could hurt me like that knowing I'd always been faithful to you. But like I say thank you. And I would like to apologise for the pain you've been going through since we split. Iv never wanted to hurt you. Your D's dad, my best friend and someone I could always depend on and reach out to. So I guess I do forget that because your the only person who truly knows me and 'gets me' I tend to go to you thinking that its ok. But like you say, we're no longer together and you can't be there all the time. I really want us to be friends but I know that will take time. But hopefully we'll get there soon :)" I replied that an apology was the least u could say.

I got depressed at that answer then read it again. She said "...like you say, we're no longer together and you can't be there all the time" which I thought was interesting. She is usually absolute in her chat with me ie I don't love u, we aren't getting back together etc

Anyway, I turned phone off for a few hours and then turned on to see message from WAW asking to ring about D. D wants to stay off tomorrow but could I mind her. I said ok as she hadn't anyone to do it. Told my auntie who shouted at me. Says she's drawing me in again. So I rang back to say I'd forgot they I'd promised to paint aunties garage but would go get D, bring her to aunties and WAW could collect her after work. She didn't sound as happy this time but said ok.

So all in all an eventful day....


M 35 W 31
D 10
Married 3 years
Together 11
Single since Nov 13
Moved out Dec 13
ILYBNILWY, 'I don't want to be a boring housewife, 'I don't fancy you any more'
OM confirmed Jun 14
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 273
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bashy Offline OP
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WAW just rang this morning. She's organised a van for Friday to move stuff into new place and could I drive it. I said I couldn't. I had plans with D. She pretended not to be annoyed but was. I sooo want to help her but know under DB that I shouldn't.


M 35 W 31
D 10
Married 3 years
Together 11
Single since Nov 13
Moved out Dec 13
ILYBNILWY, 'I don't want to be a boring housewife, 'I don't fancy you any more'
OM confirmed Jun 14
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 273
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bashy Offline OP
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Haha.... I have soooo much still to learn.

Collected D after the 'van' request. But on way to get her I called into shop and bought myself a small sandwich. Decided to get my WAW one and some crisps (potato chips). Rang her at work then met her outside it. Told her I know she had no lunch so as I was getting myself something I thought I'd get her something too. She thanked me with a lovely smile.

Then spent the afternoon with D at aunts house. Was lovely. Then WAW rang and met us at shopping centre. After some browsing in shops for her new house we went to Burger King.

We sat for over an hour just talking. I asked how she was. Validated any thoughts/feelings she was having. She asked about me. Then told me all her work mates jumped to the window when I left sandwich off to her earlier that day. One of them even called me 'buff'. I laughed. D was listening to music on headphones while we chatted. It was just lovely. Like the old days.

But Ofcourse I had to mess up but I did set a boundary. I told WAW at the end I'd be able to help her move but couldn't come down until late on Thursday as I'm out for a meal then would have to leave at lunchtime on Friday as D and I are out at cinema with my family. I suppose that's me setting boundaries.

She said Ty and then said to D: 'isn't this lovely that all three of us will spend the last night together in our old house'.

Later in the night WAW rang asking could I collect a van during Thursday daytime. This was a change to our agreement. I stood strong and said I couldn't as I was busy. She said ok.

So, I feel I'm setting boundaries but am not detaching enough. Have not mentioned OM and why he isn't helping her.

I felt real warmth from her yesterday and it all seems to stem from my apology the other day about texting girls all those years ago.
On a side note I'm really GALing. Golf lessons with my dad today. First time in about 20 years!!!


M 35 W 31
D 10
Married 3 years
Together 11
Single since Nov 13
Moved out Dec 13
ILYBNILWY, 'I don't want to be a boring housewife, 'I don't fancy you any more'
OM confirmed Jun 14
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 681
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Hi bashy, interesting that your W's colleagues were all spying on you out the window. Sounds like their positive views of you could be a good influence.

Thanks for checking in on my thread. Have fun golfing!
Hugs, Lisa


Me: 34 H: 30
M: 4 years
BD: 6/15/14
He moved out 6/30/14
OW1: EA then PA after BD
Now he's dating multiple OWs
I'm over it and moving on.
Joined: Apr 2014
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bashy Offline OP
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Thanks Lisa


M 35 W 31
D 10
Married 3 years
Together 11
Single since Nov 13
Moved out Dec 13
ILYBNILWY, 'I don't want to be a boring housewife, 'I don't fancy you any more'
OM confirmed Jun 14
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 273
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bashy Offline OP
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Some more GAL today. Golfing with dad. Was nice. Came home and dozed for a few hours but just woken up feeling lost. Feel emotionally unstable yet I'm at our old home tonight..... me, WAW and D for the last time as they move out and we get rid of it. After 11 years.

This supposed warmth from her in recent days isn't helping me. I'm noticing every time I see her I go weak for days after.

I'm dreading it later. I hope I cope and don't come across as the old H.


M 35 W 31
D 10
Married 3 years
Together 11
Single since Nov 13
Moved out Dec 13
ILYBNILWY, 'I don't want to be a boring housewife, 'I don't fancy you any more'
OM confirmed Jun 14
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