Uggh....so glad to be detached because the emotions of the WAW are intense. She is overwhelmed about the fact that she is constantly with the kids (she watches them during work as a personal trainer) whether it is her week or not. I validated constantly on the vent session but she was still upset and just wanted to vent and tell me how hard it was on her and that I didn't understand the sacrifice. I think to myself, this was her choice and if she wouldn't have left we'd be a two income house and that wouldn't be an issue. We could've afforded to put kids in camps, etc. I used to mention it before DBing, but haven't in weeks.
When looking at finances, I mentioned August would be tight and I asked if she was planning on paying for her hair appointment. She instantly turned it into an argument. While I understand why she got upset, I instantly tried to validate as well as figure out where we can budget our money for the month due to back to school shopping, dental visit, etc.
Detached in many ways, but still realize that her personality is very dominating. I try to stay and remain in neutral, but her personality style has to be right, and it is frustrating when I attempt to explain on logic and she reverts to emotion. No closer to reconciliation obviously, but frustrating because just trying to learn to communicate with her is a chore as well.
Do you guys think the frustration she feels due to the kids is genuine? Guilt driven because she sees she put herself in this spot? Irritated because I've pulled back?
So not sure how if this goes against the DB rules, but I felt as though I needed to share this with my WAW.
Just sent her a text. No expectation for a reply. "I realized that on several occasions during our relationship, I've put more focus on being your biggest coach, rather than your biggest cheerleader". Good Night
It may come across as pursuing, though it was more of a self realization that I focused much of my attention on trying to fix her flaws rather than celebrate her accomplishments. First text like that I've shared in weeks, but I thought it was important for her to hear.
I have not followed your entire situation but from the last couple of posts, I'd say your text could possibly be interpreted as pursuing. Then again, only she knows how she interprets it. If it was a genuine realization, then yea, even if it was a temporary backslide, maybe it will be something she will think about in the future. Either way, I would not worry too much about it. As for her frustration with the kids being genuine, it is possible. It is also possible that all the events going on, the frustrations she already had in her life and M, now pile on the added pressure of less income and all the extra expenses, that she is just venting in general and picked the kids as a convenient scapegoat, or at the very least, the most recent catalyst of her crankiness. Remember, believe none of what they say, and only half of what you hear.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
I knew that there was the possibility of it being looked at as pursuing, but it was one of the things that came out in my own counseling and I felt that it was worth sharing. I made no mention on it about loving her or even the mention of the word sorry.
I looked at another member's post right now, and it made me remember that these steps are for me, not her, but I can see certain things getting to my WAW that she used against me yesterday.
I leave her hanging on not taking all of her calls, which is something that I never used to do during our relationship, and she responds with "it's about the kids, you need to call". I show up to D8 birthday party dressed nice in clothes she didn't remember, and she says I'm out buying new clothes. I am out getting a life and going wakeboarding and spending time with friends, and she reinforces that she never does anything.
However, I take a look at myself now, understand my baggage and my contribution to our M taking a bad turn and own what I contributed to the M going bad. My friends that I talk to notice a change in me based on tone and attitude, and I feel better personally about myself than at any time (including the last few months we were in the same house together). It's that realization that reinforces that this process is for me. However, knowing that I am trying the LRT approach, I sit back asking myself is anything going to change, will it be gradual, will my anniversary on Saturday be an enlightening time for her to come around?
I still wrestle with her telling D8 that the two of us are trying to work on things, but everything with me has been it's over and even yesterday the phrase "when this whole thing is final" I find myself asking myself is what she says to me frustration because she doesn't want to be pursued or is what she is saying to my kids false hope. I can't press her on that because it will be relationship talk, but it makes me wonder, because my kids know that I want my M restored and us all in the same house.
I feel you .. that's the toughest thing for me is having the family back together, during therapy I stopped mid sentence and asked myself ... did I love my family more than my wife>? I had to think about that for some time and I realized I loved both, I do love her and all her ways ... just have to suppress it and detach as hard as it is. But that family carrot is a tough one not to want and chase. Hang in there.
I was having lunch with a good friend today and he put something into perspective with me that I had never thought of. I mentioned how my wife is the most indecisive person that I know. Takes forever to pick out shoes, what movie to watch, and ordering food. He mentioned that if she has such a tough time deciding what to order at dinner, how hard must the decision of calling it quits on the marriage must be. With that being said, I immediately thought of how stressed she gets when a waiter comes to our table several times before she has made a decision.
It makes me think of DBing in a new light. By me pursuing, it was making her decision easier because it was only causing stress. By backing off, no R talk, Getting a Life, she is forced to make her decision and I completely see the logic now. Making myself as attractive as possible, can only make her 2nd guess herself. Remaining neutral in a potential argument leaves nothing that she can come back and complain about. Etc.
Well Anniversary day is today. I woke up feeling stronger than expected. Had a brief cry last night after my kids went to bed. I am proud though. If I was going through that before trying the techniques from DR and the 37 rules, I would've texted her telling her I loved her and missed her. So that in itself is a huge 180. No expectations from WAW. For me it's GAL. Buddy of mine is coming up with his daughter from LA later and going to bbq and swim with our kids. I can't thank this site and DR enough. I totally see how these changes are for me. I'm sure WAW notices from afar. I guarantee she was/is expecting me to blow up her phone today with messages and pursuit. I have no idea what is going to come out of my marriage, but the weak guy of the last 3 months is slowly changing back into the assertive, confident man that I know I am.
Well not sure how to react to this situation within the context of DBing and the 37 rules. My WAW has a male friend that has been around her house when the kids are with her and last weekend they went to the beach with my kids. I have been assured that they are only friends and that it is no different than if it was a girl friend that she was with. She has been honest with me up to this point, so I am going to give her the benefit of the doubt. However, at the same time, I am VERY uncomfortable that another man is spending time around my kids while our situation is so volatile.
I mentioned how I felt the first time I knew that they spent time together to her. She asked first because he was over there when my D called to tell me good night. Her exact comment was "is it ok if I have guy friends?" My response was, you can be friends with whoever you want, I can't control that, but I can tell you my feelings if you allow me. She then asked how I felt, and I told her I didn't feel it was good for the kids and it could confuse them. I told her my thoughts, and she continued to justify saying it was no different than if she was hanging out with one of the guys that we are all friends with as a family.
The next day after processing, we had a very tense conversation, I started DBing a few days later. I felt disrespected, and felt that it was a lack of respect for me and my kids. I think that she takes it as control because she often times threw the boundaries I would set in the home as being controlling. So when she takes him with her to the beach the following weekend, part of me thinks she is trying to show me that she will do whatever the heck she wants and she feels justified. I however, think it is a horrible choice of judgement, but since I've spoken my peace, I don't have much more that I can say that is different.
My WAW has a male friend that has been around her house when the kids are with her and last weekend they went to the beach with my kids. I have been assured that they are only friends and that it is no different than if it was a girl friend that she was with.
You have not been assured. Because next you say:
Originally Posted By: Mike559
She has been honest with me up to this point, so I am going to give her the benefit of the doubt.
No need to give someone the "benefit of the doubt" if you are assured.
Originally Posted By: Mike559
Her exact comment was "is it ok if I have guy friends?" My response was, you can be friends with whoever you want, I can't control that, but I can tell you my feelings if you allow me.
If she allows you? Really man?
Originally Posted By: Mike559
She then asked how I felt, and I told her I didn't feel it was good for the kids and it could confuse them. I told her my thoughts, and she continued to justify saying it was no different than if she was hanging out with one of the guys that we are all friends with as a family.
What did you actually WANT to tell her instead of what you did tell her?
Originally Posted By: Mike559
The next day after processing, we had a very tense conversation, I started DBing a few days later. I felt disrespected, and felt that it was a lack of respect for me and my kids. I think that she takes it as control because she often times threw the boundaries I would set in the home as being controlling. So when she takes him with her to the beach the following weekend, part of me thinks she is trying to show me that she will do whatever the heck she wants and she feels justified. I however, think it is a horrible choice of judgement, but since I've spoken my peace, I don't have much more that I can say that is different.
So what do YOU want to do?
M-34 XW-32 D-7 Found OM's presence 4/09 Separated 12/09 Divorced 8/10 GREAT relationship as coparents since 8/10
What I want to do, is tell her that I think it is disrespectful to my children and myself that she has been bringing a man around my kids the last 2 weekends that she has had them.
