lost and desperate

[25yearsmlc]

SS,

your GAL list is a great start. I think without GAL, detachment is nearly impossible.

For GAL suggestions, let me mention some of what I did when we lived in the interior of Alaska, even in the winter.
I had 3 kids including a baby (so you know I don't want to hear about how you are 'too busy' to GAL).

We also knew no one when we moved there, and since I had no job upon arrival, GAL was really the catalyst for making friends.

Inertia is the greatest enemy to GAL. Overcome that, & getting out of your comfort zone, & you'll be well on your way to living a happier more fulfilling life. IMO, the more you overcome inertia, the better your R's will be with all people, including your h.

I volunteered at a battered women's shelter.

I coached a girl's softball team for two summers (my older D was on it).

I was on the board of directors for Wrestling, (b/c our son wrestled).

I auditioned for community theater and met some fun creative people.
I got cast, too.

I did stand up comedy (and yes, I still do it). I did a whole set once on a MLCs at the Improv. It went very well.

I learned to cross country ski, became a better shooter.

I Learned to hunt big game, to deep sea fish, & I got better at downhill skiing.

I learned to use a snowmobile ("snow machine" to Alaskans)

I loved riding.

Learned to fly a plane, and I got a pilot's license.

I edited a hunting book. (The book ended up on the Best Seller's List. Who knew?)

I Worked out 3-4 times a week, and I really did get in excellent shape. Looking good made a world of difference to me.

Plus, I'd just had our last child & I needed to lose the baby weight. It was not easy to do, let alone in the dark, deathly cold of their LONG winters.

In the winter, I used a tanning booth, which helped me a lot with depression. I felt more energized, and it probably helped my appearance, which also helps us FEEL better.

Saw a therapist and for some months, went on ADs.

Took a pottery class (very odd for ME to do, but I liked it a lot).

Joined the Officer's Wives club, after 15 years of active duty & ignoring them.
(I only wish I had joined sooner! Met two women who are life long friends to this day.)

Joined a writer's group (ended up having something I wrote, produced).

Took a class in Conversational French

Took a class in Italian cooking

There is more, but I just wanted to suggest to you a few things you can do that do not cost a lot.
Other than pilot training, most of these ^^ activities were free, or quite cheap.

Hope that helps.

[25yearsmlc]

Here are 2 pieces on DETACHMENT

The first one is a piece on Detaching, from long ago...I think a DBer named Peanut posted this originally...


I. Detachment

Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.

Our ego gets wounded when we are not detached enough -- and then we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.

We cannot control the actions of another.

We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.

If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal and it is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want, so I must pull back.’

It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."


Here is another piece on Detachment which MAY clear it up some for you...

2). What is detachment?

Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow S (spouse) the freedom to be himself.

* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix my S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.

* Giving S "the space" to be himself.

* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.

* Willingness to accept that I cannot change or control or "fix" S. Admitting that it is not my job, duty or even loving, to try and change/control or "fix" my S.

* Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from S, to whom I have previously given a lot of power to affect my emotional outlook on life.

* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, with whom I have become overly enmeshed or dependent, in order that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.

* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for S's failure or faltering. Allow S to experience & learn from failure, without my judgement or comment.

* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling.

* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective, recognizing that there Can be a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.

* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from involvement with S.

* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions, even if their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.

* Ability to allow S to be who he "really is" rather than who I "want him to be."

* Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by S who in the past has been overly dependent or enmeshed with me.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

[Ss06]

Wow. You are an incredible resource and wealth of information! Thank you for all of this information. Detaching is more about protecting me, it seems. Man, I'll need to practice this a lot. Many DB techniques are starting to feel natural to me but detaching is HARD! Broken down in pieces like it is above REALLY helps with the nuance of it. I can't wait to get started.

I am full of excuses regarding GAL. I don't want to spend the money. Babysitting is difficult to coordinate. My friends are all busy. I just applied for a ton of jobs and if I sign up for a class I won't have time for it once the job starts.... Blah, blah, blah. I'm a master of resistance, huh? Sheesh.

Ok. Enough inertia.

P.s. I think I'm going to need to pick some peoples' brains about cake eating and boundary setting. H is planning to move out and we plan to keep the visitation schedule with d rather flexible BUT he seems to be under the impression that he can just come and go as he pleases despite the separation and him having his own place. I would like to make the separation more firm so he can't just drop by and get some tv time or print something off the printer anytime he pleases. It's not his home anymore. Is this a battle that sounds reasonable to pick? If so, I'm going to need to tread very carefully because I'm expecting the "but it's my house, too! If I need something I'm going to get it." Confrontation. Yikes!

[25yearsmlc]

Wow. You are an incredible resource and wealth of information! Thank you for all of this information. Detaching is more about protecting me, it seems. Man, I'll need to practice this a lot. Many DB techniques are starting to feel natural to me but detaching is HARD! Broken down in pieces like it is above REALLY helps with the nuance of it. I can't wait to get started.

I am full of excuses regarding GAL. I don't want to spend the money. Babysitting is difficult to coordinate. My friends are all busy. I just applied for a ton of jobs and if I sign up for a class I won't have time for it once the job starts.... Blah, blah, blah. I'm a master of resistance, huh? Sheesh.

Ok. Enough inertia.


Your resistance to change is a big part of the reason you are here. Don't forget that.

The more you alter that trait, the sooner the other changes will happen, without as much of a big deal being made about them. Change will be something you will learn to be comfortable with, in time. Starting with smaller things might help you when you get to the big internal changes coming.

Make sense?


P.s. I think I'm going to need to pick some peoples' brains about cake eating and boundary setting. H is planning to move out and we plan to keep the visitation schedule with d rather flexible BUT he seems to be under the impression that he can just come and go as he pleases despite the separation and him having his own place.

Make sure you know the line between healthy self respect/boundary setting, and you being punitive or "teaching him a lesson" b/c it's NOT your job to teach your h a lesson. Life does that.

It's not your job to "Show him the consequences of his choices", life does that.
Boundaries are about limits on YOU, not about controlling him.

This is a key concept to understand or all your "boundary" setting will come off as more rule making and "decrees" from you, trying to control HIM/HIS behavior instead of your own. Your tone sounds, at times, as if you want to punish him for leaving you and you want to make it harder on him. That's not a consistent vibe in your post but I fear it'll sound like it to him AND parts of it sound that way to ME.

A boundary might be you saying "I won't be spoken to like that" and then when someone is overtly disrespectful to you, YOU LEAVE the room. VERSUS telling them they "must use a whispered respectful tone with you", which is about you controlling THEM and Not about what YOU will do.

It may seem like semantics, and my example is a small one but can you sees the difference?

B/C if you make it about what YOU will tolerate/not tolerate, that's one thing. The focus is on YOUR changes and YOUR reaction, NOT about telling him what to do or feel.


I would like to make the separation more firm so he can't just drop by and get some tv time or print something off the printer anytime he pleases. It's not his home anymore.

Be clear about your motivation here^^^....you want to Keep the Road Home, Paved & Smooth, right? Then don't make it harder for him to come home than it already will be, for him.

You essentially admit you checked out of the marriage years ago and have been "a monster" to him for quite some time. IF you are not sure where you stand on something, do NOT fall on your sword for it and make darn sure you choose your battles wisely.

IF I were in your shoes, I'd err on the more flexible side of things. I'd suggest he can come by when he wants to see your d WITH some notice, & "for now" -that's all you'll need.

That will leave the idea that "later on" if a Div does happen, he'll need to plan more in advance b/c spontaneous events do get lost in those situations.

You can create a little mystery about your "plans for then" but be careful of denying him access to your D, b/c that can get used against you in court. IF it's not happening, then that's great. But I'd bet his L will ask him if you make it harder to see her, than it has to be....so be ready for that question too.

Is this a battle that sounds reasonable to pick? If so, I'm going to need to tread very carefully because I'm expecting the "but it's my house, too! If I need something I'm going to get it." Confrontation. Yikes!

I don't know that it's a wise battle to pick. At most, at this point, I would probably just ask for some notice. Remember, you're trying to keep the road home, paved and smooth. And as i said, saying 'it's not his home anymore" does not sound like something you want to solidify in his mind and heart, is it?

The more you challenge his choices, the more you force him to defend them. And by making him "pay" for leaving, you force him to see the upside of leaving too, like not being told anything, by you...

And when you tell him he has to give notice (24 hours notice to see his D might come off as too formal and harsh AT THIS POINT b/c it's what landlords have to do to see their tenant's house...do you want that type of relationship with your h??)

Anyhow, if you do set some limit, it must be done with an absolutely KIND expression on your face, an almost sedated tone in your speech, and not as if you expect a fight.

I say these thingss^^^ b/c I suspect your tone is frequently annoyed or furious sounding, to him. IF so, you have to almost over compensate now. And please do check into that workshop Essential Experience in Philadelphia. (Don't confuse it with others that have similar names). I think you'd get major tools for changing your life with great specific techniques for change within, AND you'll feel a lot better about YOU and forgiveness...

Even if you cannot go now (the sooner the better, seriously), learn about it so you can someday attend, it's truly powerful and profound and concrete.

Hang in there.

[Ss06]

Once again, 25, thank you.

I am really looking at my resistance habits. Why is it more comfortable to me than the change itself? I'm dedicated to change and actually enjoy the process of self examination and discovery though it feels difficult to get into the grove and to see through the muddy waters. I need more clarity. I'm looking into meditating nightly so I can perhaps clear away the mud and look at myself more clearly.

Secondarily, the old me would definitely have "poked the bear" with punitive requirements and attempt to teach him a lesson but that doesn't get me anywhere, so I'm not doing that anymore. AND, it would never be over our daughter, I wouldn't ever keep him from her or her from him. One of the things I'm working on is showing him that I trust him without question with regard to decisions he has to make about her without me present. There are thousands of ways for me to show that but I have zero intention of teaching him a lesson by withholding his daughter from him. Not cool and doesn't help anyone. Not even on my radar. He's a great father, when I give him a freaking chance to be one. It's good practice for me to get out of the way. When I was asking about being more firm regarding the separation I meant more small things like he's looking for a belt or needs toilet paper and somehow I'm supposed to bend over backwards to make it available to him. Otherwise I fully intend to be reasonable, grounded, understanding and cooperative in every way possible simply because we both deserve that.

Your suspicion about my tone, 25, is accurate as far as how it USED to be. I was often shrill and shrewy and I have 180'd that with great results. Frankly, I was getting sick of hearing my own voice like that. I do not raise my voice, I speak calmly and positively, with ZERO inflection of frustration, anxiety, anger, sadness, annoyance. I know this will just take constant practice for it to become habit. I am also phrasing things MUCH better, taking time to practice in my head so there is no accusation or misinterpretation of accusation. It's going over quite well.

I made ONE mistake yesterday when H said it was SIL's birthday I noticed he popped open Facebook to send her wishes. I said, "She'd probably appreciate at least a text rather than a public FB message" and the second it came out of my mouth I regretted it. So, I apologized, immediately said how he wishes to extend his birthday wishes to his SIL is completely up to him and I will commence shutting up now. He laughed and I left the room to think about how quickly those words came out without a filter that I'm so carefully trying to create right now. I concluded that I need to STOP and breathe before I say ANYTHING. I need to be more mindful and ask myself if I am improving on the silence. Lesson learned but I think ONE mistake in almost 2 weeks is pretty good. I'm proud that I recognized it immediately and owned it immediately. More practice is needed on this though. Much more.

I have checked out Essential Experience workshop in PA but the website is very vague. Can you be more specific on what I could pick up there? Living in CA it's quite a ways to travel and since I know very little about it, I'd like to know more before considering it. I'm all for learning more about myself and am open to various ways of doing so but I'm pretty sure H would tell me I'm becoming cultish if I fly across the country for something I know little about. You know? Also, 25, could you recommend any books you think would be helpful for me? I never, ever want to go back to the person I was a month ago and I'm liking the changes I'm making. I can always use more enlightenment in this area, though. Always.

On a separate note, I need to talk to H about something very serious to me and I want to get opinions to ensure that it's not accusatory, implying I don't trust him, or condescending in ANY way.

Brief backstory: He offered to take D to camp this morning. I'm 99% sure he took his own car which, at the moment does not have a car seat. If he drove our daughter to camp without a car seat I'm very upset. She's not even close to being at a height or weight to being permitted to sit in just the back seat for even the short drive to school. Chances are good he probably thought, "oh, just this one time, real quick, no biggie" but it's a big deal to me. Here's my plan:

First I want to give him the 1% benefit of the doubt and ask if he maybe took MY car to drop her off in which case, nothing else needs to be said because she would have been in a car seat. If he says No, then here's what I want to say:

I noticed the car seat from your car is still in the garage. Did D not sit in a car seat on the way to camp this morning?

If he says, no she didn't, I was in a rush, blah, blah, blah... I will say,

Oh, I see. I understand being in a rush and feeling frantic when dropping d off in the morning. It is really important to me that she be safe in the car at all times so is there anything I can do to make sure the car seat gets installed into your car again?

How's that? Thoughts??

[Ss06]

I've rethought addressing h about the car seat. It was a one time thing, he doesn't need me to tell him a car seat is required. He knows that. I'm STFU.

[25yearsmlc]

Once again, 25, thank you.

I am really looking at my resistance habits. Why is it more comfortable to me than the change itself?

well, speaking for myself, I wanted to be "right" a lot. It seemed important to me back then, and subconsciously maybe even more imporatn than being happy, though I never thought of it that way. Maybe I equated the two...

but I learned that what I had done, even when I thought "it's RIGHT" and "don't reward his bad behavior" (by being kind and warm and loving when he comes home, after "selfishly" volunteering for an extra case),

it took getting HERE, to realize that my approach had been consistently FAILING for years...so how smart was I??

I mean, "right or wrong" --- if what you do isn't helping, then you are "wrong" for continuing in a fruitless manner!

And you know, in the end, for the most part I was wrong a lot more in the first place, than I realized...for a long time. So I relate to where you are. And encourage you to keep on your path.


I'm dedicated to change and actually enjoy the process of self examination and discovery though it feels difficult to get into the grove and to see through the muddy waters. I need more clarity. I'm looking into meditating nightly so I can perhaps clear away the mud and look at myself more clearly.


That^^ is precisely why I suggested the workshop "EE". It gave me clarity and helps me live my life with intention. (More on that later)


Secondarily, the old me would definitely have "poked the bear" with punitive requirements and attempt to teach him a lesson but that doesn't get me anywhere, so I'm not doing that anymore.


WHAT GOOD NEWS!! Isn't it a tad embarrassing to realize that "teaching him a lesson" is something MANY friends still do and encourage us to do --- and that WE did for so long, as adults? And to our husbands?

Don't go back to that...for anything.

AND, it would never be over our daughter, I wouldn't ever keep him from her or her from him. One of the things I'm working on is showing him that I trust him without question with regard to decisions he has to make about her without me present.

Glad you see & Undertand the importance of this^^^^. Unless you TRULY fear for her life, say nothing to him about how to raise her. I mean it. And btw, saying "a jelly bean gives her a tummy ache" is NOT fearing for her life...so don't even go there.

I once handed over our infant son to h when s was VERY fussy & VERY cranky, and I had to study for the bar exam. H was in medical school (yes, our son was "premature" by a few years...)

As I went upstairs, the baby suddenly STOPPED fussing - and I was scared that h had snapped or something (no he never had but the baby was new and we were new parents and who knows what I was thinking???) So I came storming down the stairs to intervene.

When I rounded the corner I saw h twirling the seat our son was in, with his foot, while reading his textbook.

Son was laughing and cooing and LOVING it!! For sure, it's not something I, as his mom, would ever have done. And so what??

On a related note, I wanted to intercede when h was trying to soothe our colicky infant son, b/c it was taking too long (in MY head).

H didn't yet know about "rocking" son, versus "swaying" or bouncing with him, etc but the words of my older sister came to me then, thank God,

and they were "the father has to get to know his child without you around or he'll never learn to soothe or comfort the baby in his way, b/c YOU will do that or he'll have to do it your way - instead of discovering his own" and she was right.

H learned how-- within a few minutes of me STFU and backing off.


Lesson learned but keep reminding yourself that if it is not TRULY and LITERALLY Life threatening, there is NO NEED for you to intervene.

Seriously, your Intervening has not helped your d the way you once thought, b/c you are in the midst of a possible divorce about how you speak to your h---- so, backing off is what is best for HER, (and you, and him)...



There are thousands of ways for me to show that but I have zero intention of teaching him a lesson by withholding his daughter from him. Not cool and doesn't help anyone. Not even on my radar. He's a great father, when I give him a freaking chance to be one. It's good practice for me to get out of the way.

Good insights.^^^


When I was asking about being more firm regarding the separation I meant more small things like he's looking for a belt or needs toilet paper and somehow I'm supposed to bend over backwards to make it available to him.


are you SURE you are expected to "bend over backwards" for him, or is that how YOU are interpreting his searches? Don't mind read negatively.

ASK him what he wants or needs from you at those times...and do it "sedately", if you KWIM.


Otherwise I fully intend to be reasonable, grounded, understanding and cooperative in every way possible simply because we both deserve that.

Your suspicion about my tone, 25, is accurate as far as how it USED to be. I was often shrill and shrewy and I have 180'd that with great results. Frankly, I was getting sick of hearing my own voice like that. I do not raise my voice, I speak calmly and positively, with ZERO inflection of frustration, anxiety, anger, sadness, annoyance. I know this will just take constant practice for it to become habit. I am also phrasing things MUCH better, taking time to practice in my head so there is no accusation or misinterpretation of accusation. It's going over quite well.

Excellent.


I made ONE mistake yesterday when H said it was SIL's birthday I noticed he popped open Facebook to send her wishes. I said, "She'd probably appreciate at least a text rather than a public FB message" and the second it came out of my mouth I regretted it. So, I apologized, immediately said how he wishes to extend his birthday wishes to his SIL is completely up to him and I will commence shutting up now. He laughed and I left the room to think about how quickly those words came out without a filter that I'm so carefully trying to create right now.

I'm glad he laughed! Good for both of you. I Hope you will laugh at yourself in a healthy way (= don't take yourself too seriously and SHOW him the new HAPPIER you!!)

Oh, and SIDE NOTE: I would think the SIL would PREFER the public notice of her birthday, as opposed to a private message hiding it from others...

I only say this to point out how WE both assume we are "Right---about the original thing" ---but there is room for disagreement, so we need to back off that much more...b/c thinking we are "right about IT", and realizing we really aren't so right so often,
means we're even goofier for stubbornly clinging to our stance!!


I concluded that I need to STOP and breathe before I say ANYTHING. I need to be more mindful and ask myself if I am improving on the silence. Lesson learned but I think ONE mistake in almost 2 weeks is pretty good. I'm proud that I recognized it immediately and owned it immediately. More practice is needed on this though. Much more.


SO Well done!!. And he seems to have noticed ---which will confuse him and he will DOUBT your changes will last b/c he FEARS they won't last. That's what all WAS's fear...

That he will be hurt again by you. So again, give this TIME...and then a whole lot more and on, do NOT point out your changes. Then they'll look like "tactics" meant just to get him back and not true genuine changes you chose to make b/c you want to become a woman only a fool would leave......

I have checked out Essential Experience workshop in PA but the website is very vague. Can you be more specific on what I could pick up there?
\\


Sure. (AND You can call them & ask, too)

To me It's clarifying and gets you to dig VERY deep. It's "experiential" --which means not a lot of lectures. So you are in exercises designed to help you discover your issues and obstacles, and then how to manage or work thru them.

For ME, that's key, b/c as a lawyer, I can "edit" or "rehearse" my answers without even knowing I"m doing it. So this helped me see my real self in a safe supportive environment. (No one forces you to disclose either, btw).

And no, there are no "cult" aspects. I live in southern California and know exactly what you mean by that, so I promise you, no worshiping of a 'guru" goes on. And though I found it spiritual, it's not religious.

PowerOfNow, StubbornDyke, AutumnLeaves, LuckyLuke, and some other DBers have also gone so you can ask them if you like. -- I think PowerofMow went last Feb, and Luke went in the summer (?) so check their posts then if you can, or contact them. --

Also the people there can house you if you prefer, (and if you add up the hours of help you get,-->50+, it's actually quite a bargain ---. ) so that lowers costs too.

Maybe we can meet on the alternate universe and touch base about it there...(fb)


Living in CA it's quite a ways to travel and since I know very little about it, I'd like to know more before considering it. I'm all for learning more about myself and am open to various ways of doing so but I'm pretty sure H would tell me I'm becoming cultish if I fly across the country for something I know little about. You know?

I hear you, but so you know, I did it years ago and have gone back since then to do "team" and help other participants. I even flew back in there, from Alaska, to help. And my bf's went from there too, so obviously I think it's worth it.

I'm still impressed that she went based solely on my suggesting it, which is no small amount of trust.

When I got home from doing it the first time, h picked me up at the airport & he later told me he "SAW the difference" in me.

A few months later, HE chose to go himself and that is a small miracle I never expected. He told me when he returned home, that it was "the best gift [he] ever received"...

A year later, we went together as team helpers and it was like a free refresher course (which also adds to the value, btw) and man, we thought our marriage was good before...once we did EE together, we hit a new deeper level than I had thought was possible.



Also, 25, could you recommend any books you think would be helpful for me? I never, ever want to go back to the person I was a month ago and I'm liking the changes I'm making. I can always use more enlightenment in this area, though. Always.

Have you finished reading Div Remedy and or Div Busting? IF so, also read the Five Love Languages. It's not a hard read but it's a good reminder NOT to toss away love b/c it's not wrapped the way we wanted it to be wrapped. Marianne Willliamson writes too new agey for some, but I like her writings about forgiveness, a lot. Same with anger and our learning to handle it. And "The Gift of Change" was good too. '

I will ponder that some more, but meanwhile...

--- watch those videos on TED Talks, by Amy Cuddy and Shawn Achor. One is on "Faking it til you Become it' (Amy's) and "Positive Psychology" by Shawn. They are entertaining in their explanations but they have great DATA too, that supports their thesis, so listen up and think about it. Their videos are about 20 min each and you'll get a lot out of them and maybe their books as well.



On a separate note, I need to talk to H about something very serious to me and I want to get opinions to ensure that it's not accusatory, implying I don't trust him, or condescending in ANY way.

I will get back to this (below) later on b/c I am going out the door atm.

Hang in there.

Brief backstory: He offered to take D to camp this morning. I'm 99% sure he took his own car which, at the moment does not have a car seat. If he drove our daughter to camp without a car seat I'm very upset. She's not even close to being at a height or weight to being permitted to sit in just the back seat for even the short drive to school. Chances are good he probably thought, "oh, just this one time, real quick, no biggie" but it's a big deal to me. Here's my plan:

First I want to give him the 1% benefit of the doubt and ask if he maybe took MY car to drop her off in which case, nothing else needs to be said because she would have been in a car seat. If he says No, then here's what I want to say:

I noticed the car seat from your car is still in the garage. Did D not sit in a car seat on the way to camp this morning?

If he says, no she didn't, I was in a rush, blah, blah, blah... I will say,

Oh, I see. I understand being in a rush and feeling frantic when dropping d off in the morning. It is really important to me that she be safe in the car at all times so is there anything I can do to make sure the car seat gets installed into your car again?

How's that? Thoughts??

[Meghan]

ss, this may not be popular opinion in terms of DBing, but I think your daughter's safety is worth bringing up and trumps your H's feelings. I wouldn't want to give the impression that that was okay going forward, and I think there are ways to handle it that don't have to lead to accusations or issues.

What about something like, "I understand being in a rush and not having time to deal with her seat in the moment. Is there a time in the near future that we could install the seat in your car so that you don't have to worry about it anymore and things will be a bit easier in the morning?" That way there's no insinuation that you care about her safety and he doesn't and you're working together at a time that's convenient to fix the problem. Plus, it's framed in a way that's of benefit to him without you directly stepping in to fix the problem.

[25yearsmlc]

I've rethought addressing h about the car seat. It was a one time thing, he doesn't need me to tell him a car seat is required. He knows that. I'm STFU.

I agree you ought to be quiet about this.

Another possibility IF you cannot get off this subject and if you start obsessing (which is something you need to work on I suspect --and that IS important, more important than the car seat once....)

but if so, then buy his car one.

But she's 7, right? So, how long does she need one legally? Don't forget that you might not even be "right" about this issue, let alone the need for you to tell him.

But he has told you that you do not trust him enough with his own d, right?

So try doing that...trusting him. Okay?

[25yearsmlc]

ss, this may not be popular opinion in terms of DBing, but I think your daughter's safety is worth bringing up and trumps your H's feelings. I wouldn't want to give the impression that that was okay going forward, and I think there are ways to handle it that don't have to lead to accusations or issues.

WHO SAID HE DOES NOT HAVE A CAR SEAT? Not her.

Assumptions have gotten her in trouble before. They're negative...Hence the advice.

Plus, their d is 7 y/o, not 2...in many states she is not to be in a car seat at this age anyhow, depending on her size/weight.





What about something like, "I understand being in a rush and not having time to deal with her seat in the moment. Is there a time in the near future that we could install the seat in your car so that you don't have to worry about it anymore and things will be a bit easier in the morning?" That way there's no insinuation that you care about her safety and he doesn't


Oh BUT there is an insinuation AND You are ASSUMING a lot.

You are ASSUMING:

1) there is no car seat in his car; AND OR

2) that he won't get one; AND OR

3) that HE is worried about this, which we have no evidence of.

So it's feigned concern for "his worrying", in her thinly veiled way of controlling him, which he'll see thru in seconds.

You know, SHE can buy another car seat --- if all the fears and assumptions come true. OR if she cannot help but try to control him some more, which I hope isn't true. There is an opportunity here for a 180...

I think ONE short drive without a car seat (assuming all the worst fears about needing one AND not having one, come true) is NOT worth bringing up, given the givens here.

Divorce isn't good for their d either...So YES it's a chance I would take and yes, I'm a loving mother.

This is not a cross country trip, there is no evidence of him being a bad or careless driver , and even if all your assumptions are accurate about car seats and him lacking one, a lot of parents will not put their older kids in a car seat for a host of reasons, anyhow.

That's my .02


and you're working together at a time that's convenient to fix the problem. Plus, it's framed in a way that's of benefit to him without you directly stepping in to fix the problem.

Respectfully I disagree. I think she IS stepping in to fix the "problem" which may not even exist...

but I don't want to belabor the point. At worst, it's simply something he has not yet thought of and she could next time, ask right away if he needs "the car seat" but since she did not, this is an opportunity for her to step back and NOT act, for once.

But seriously, I really don't want to belabor this. There are bigger fish to fry and more serious issues to contend with. If this were a daily drive, it'd be different. (And that's still assuming negative things we do not know, which I can't stand to do here, AND SO...moving on....)