Maybell, Part V

[Maybell]

He's leaving the country again for ten days.

I do really hate this job.

So no texting good morning. And I'm on the fence about inviting him out to see the musician because he will only have been back in town two days before I could ask.

I may lose him just to sheer physical unavailability.

[Meghan]

I laughed at your analysis of his Netlix history - nice!

In terms of contact, I'd say don't get in touch the first moment that you can, which might look like pursuing, but you can probably move it up a bit from where you might have left it before. So if you could be in contact Sunday, Monday is probably fine, maybe a bit later in the day.

It could also be an idea to have a bit of an excuse, like being busy with something or other. That way it seems like you're GAL, which is good, but also helps to explain that it's not that you're ignoring him, you just have things to do and are an awesome, in demand woman.

Do you think there's any way that the physical unavailability could possibly work in your favour, perhaps in an absence makes the heart grow fonder kind of way? Could you use it as an excuse to catch up or get together when he gets back, and use the time in between as a way to limit contact, but in a way that's easily understandable due to the distance?

[Maybell]

Yes, I'll use the travel as a way to go dim. Tricky with the kids but possible.

Feeling sad this morning. Can't get back to sleep. My mom wants me to hurry up and file, keeps insisting "I'm going to have to go through this" and that I'll be happy on the other side. Forgets who she's talking to and goes off on rants about how he's never been there for me and I deserve better after all I've done for him. I don't quite see it in those terms anymore and I wish I hadn't told her so much. But she really just has all the facts, I haven't spent time complaining about all the details. She fills in the story with my unhappiness and her imagining. She'll be where I'm going this weekend and I feel like I have to defend my choices. I'm frustrated with myself for all that part.

I want my husband back. He doesn't have to come home yet... I just want to feel like we're rebuilding. I know... It takes time. And patience.

D said H got frustrated and angry several times while they were on their trip last week. That's not like him to show it to her. I guess I shielded the kids from it some? Because I could always tell. But she was surprised. I hope it's a good thing, it means he's learning to express himself more.

I'm so sick of all his travel. Really a lot. I feel like he has so little life of his own. Completely wrapped up in work and a run a couple of times a week. And my runs have dwindled back down to nothing and my anxiety is ratcheting back up and I miss him.

Could he possibly miss me or is he just so wrapped up in his job and his international travel that he's relieved to not have the responsibility of tending a relationship?

[Maybell]

So I went back to reading labug's thread and hit a couple of pages that said this experience is an act of God same as a death would be, and then talking about surrender.

So I guess that's my practice for today. Surrendering to what is.

[Maybell]

Trying to remember... It's just over three months since he stopped living here and two weeks before that he moved out of our bedroom, but he's only been in his apartment a month, and has only had the kids one weekend plus the family trip since he's been out. This is going to take time and I must be patient. I just hope he isn't really truly done.

Also have been thinking about how long he's been unhappy... A little more than three years. Possibly longer. We would go to the beach but his condition was kids couldn't get in the water or get too sandy. And I was dumb enough to go along with that. He wanted them to heel and be well-behaved all the time, freaked out when they acted zany. So impatient with them and with me when I got frustrated.

Yes, some/ a lot of that was me, but how much really? That's when he started losing his hair. (This doesn't impact my need to change). He used to criticize his brother for not being more adult, not settling down, getting married, etc. was VERY vocal about that. Now here he is separated. Not the life he imagined for himself.

Did I mention I miss him anyway? That I had forgotten his person-ness (and mine too I think) in too many moves and babies and work?

I wish things were better.

[Ggrass]

It's what we all wish, but you can make things better.

You need to read about my day! Serious.

I do tend to like the be the change you want to see, you want happy do it. Fake happy is ok, once you learn to fake it you can turn it on.

Like in a play, I do often need a few coffees tho, to help.

[Eatsma]

Fake happy often gets real happy in return, which can create real happy....Just a thought.

Time. You've got TONS of it. And if you still want to work on things, then I think you've got a chance.

Sorry you're feeling down. Those mornings are tough.

[Maybell]

So the last R talk we had at the beginning of June was when I told him I was going to pursue legal separation and divorce. This was in response to finding out he had never cut ties with OW as he promised. I also stopped wearing my engagement ring at that time, though left on my band since that was what we agreed to when he asked me to separate. I know he noticed.

On the other hand, I also have told him I'm asking friends to be friendly to him and that my hope is reconciliation. I've said that once since we had the D talk (in response to a question he asked me).

I have long since dropped my interest in the legal separation and divorce, but have never communicated that to him. I wasn't going to while he was in contact with OW and I certainly wasn't going to drop that on him at the lunch when he told me he wasn't "seeing" her anymore. I'm OK with the status quo of the separation at this time.

I think a lot of my angst this morning was lack of sleep and frustration that my mom is so anxious for me to move the legal stuff forward and I'm going to be seeing her the day after tomorrow.

I have really struggled to speak to him in a relaxed voice and to find topics for us to talk about that aren't the kids. Until the last couple of days I wasn't willing to share anything about my life, although he has asked several times. My IC thinks he thinks I'm too angry to be friendly and looking at my behavior, I'd say that if he does, he has reason.

I'm working to expand my horizons a little bit so we have more to talk about, to identify areas where I'm willing to be vulnerable with him, and to cultivate a PMA that I can sustain while he's in the room with me, and I think I did OK with that Sunday and also in my text yesterday. I did put my engagement ring back on, which felt right, though of course he won't see it for possibly as much as three weeks, and I intend to limit my contact with him during his travel.

I guess the question is, should I be concerned that he thinks I'm intending to divorce him, or should I let him think he could lose me?

[Georgiabelle]

Maybell,

You can't control what your h thinks. He will think whatever he thinks. Again, actions speak louder than words so I see no need to make any declarations of anything. Just my 2 cents.

[Maybell]

Thanks, Georgiabelle. I guess I'll keep working on the PMA, etc., and especially on my PATIENCE.