Saving my family - Part 13

[25yearsmlc]

one comment to the "Fixers" out there.

There have been times when I've just wanted to be heard, about a problem I had. I've wanted to share with my h, those things.

Like I had work related problems or a family problem with a sibling and a parent, or a bff, etc.

When I'd bring these up to my h, it SEEMED TO ME, that he'd very quickly suggest a "solution"--

"Get a different job", "tell your boss why he's wrong", "tell your brother it's none of his business what your mom is spending her money on", "put the kids in time out", "cut that friend off for good", ETC.

Now, a lot of those suggestions were reasonable, except that I had already thought of them, used them to no avail or rejected them as solutions,

AND OR I did not want those "fixes"...then.

For instance, I did not want a different job, I just wanted to vent for 5 minutes about a hard day I had. OR the kids may have been difficult for 4 hours straight, etc. I do not want to give them away (most days... )

H assumed I wanted HIM to fix it, or to tell me how to fix it.

But I did NOT want that.

I wanted h to listen to me and hear me, comfort me and that's it.

Unless I am missing out on something that somehow h knew but I didn't, it's highly unlikely that he'd come up with a solution I had not already considered, and used, or rejected.


Thing is, I just wanted to be heard and listened to. And maybe comforted.

When H tells me his "Fix it" solution, WHAT I WOULD HEAR WAS:

"W, I just told you how to fix it. Either do that or don't, but don't keep talking about it. I gave you the 'answer' and now you are just whining. Be quiet now."

Of course he was not telling me to stfu, but it FELT LIKE IT, b/c he was more or less "ending" the conversation with his fixes. Nothing left to talk about, right?

Do you see how my h meant well - but how it was NOT received well?

I did NOT want to be told how to fix it, I just wanted to be comforted.
His fixes seemed like "shut ups" to me, b/c they don't really allow for more sharing.

Fixes tend to "end the talk" and that ends the sharing. Which surprises and hurts my h.

Just thought I'd share that.

[Wonka]

Scorp,

I'd like to rephrase what 25 essentially said in these short words:

When you meet with a new friend that you enjoy being around and want to get to know him/her more (her...as in platonic friend), do you enter "friendship" talks with them or ask for a talk with them? No? Why not? Too weird. Precisely. Do you sit on the sofa waiting for the phone call from said friend? No you didn't. You just simply got on with your life with GAL, work, family, etc. Those friendships unfold naturally and organically. Nothing's forced, right?

Then you're going have to approach/treat W like a new friend you just met..say...last two weeks.

[u-turn]

Wonka - that was genius! I get it! It makes so much sense (and really she has been telling me that all along - even as happy H&W we didn't have "talks" about our relationship - we just talked)

[Scorp7]

25, I've learned that my "fixes" are not always welcome. I'd thought in the past by trying to fix a problem for my W that I was showing her I cared. She usually just wanted me to listen and comfort her, something I was horrible at most of the time.

Live and learn. It does feel odd when we get together now and she tells me about a problem she's having and to not try to fix it or offer suggestions. It does seem though that by just listening, validating and trying to be understanding that it things between us have gone MUCH better than they would have in the past.

Thanks again for your post! Very insightful

[Scorp7]

Wonka, I agree with uturn, your post does put things into perspective very well.

My insecurity has led to so many if not all of the problems that caused the marriage to break down. I need to just relax, keep doing what I've been doing and give things time.

I'll always be the father of our children, that has to mean a lot to my W. In time, if she can see I'm a pretty good guy and an even better dad that could pull us back together.

[mindsin]

I'll always be the father of our children, that has to mean a lot to my W. In time, if she can see I'm a pretty good guy and an even better dad that could pull us back together.

My W said to me "Being a great father is meaningless to me when you're a horrible husband".

[Scorp7]

mindsin, I think being a good husband also would be needed for my W. To get to that point again she needs to see that I'm doing great with our kids and well on my own. THEN she might want to see if I could be a good husband again.

[Old Dog]

Men fixing things when listening is all that is required is a big thing in Men are from Mars, women are from Venus.

[Scorp7]

Here is another dilemma we're facing. We've had our acreage listed for sale for the past 3 months and we have not had one single showing. It doesn't sound like we've even had an inquiry. We're going to change up our listing and lower our price again so that may help, we'll see.

Here's the problem. If the property does not sell my W and I are in a very tough way financially if she continues to insist on staying in her province. If she were to come back to my province I could likely afford to keep our acreage and our financial woes would be solved.

Should I ask my W once again if she will consider moving back to my province? I wouldn't be asking her to move back with me, just to the same area where we made our life. It would be the best thing for she and I as well as for our kids. Her parents seem to be the only thing that is keeping her in the other province. She does have a good job there as well but I'm sure she could get an even better position back here.

I had asked her previously if she would move back and she said NO. That was before we had made the progress that we had in our relationship and before facing the issue of our place not selling. She may be forced to face the possibility that our place just won't sell and that she might have to move back anyway.

Should I ask her again to move back?

[Wonka]

Hold on a slow cotton pickin' minute....first things first:

-Who is the owner of this property?
-When was this property purchased?
-What is the value of the property?
-Who's been paying property tax on it?