I just wanted to chime in about anxiety. I find that knowing I'm in control really helps but REALLY seeing it in black and white makes me let go of the anxiety a lot. What I mean is when it comes to stressing about finances, do the math. How much do you need in the account as a cushion to help you breathe better? Start setting that aside even if it's $10 at a time. Can you eliminate an expense? I know a lot of people who have dropped cable and watch TV only streaming on their computers. This has turned them into readers instead of TV watchers. Take that savings and add it to your "breathing cushion". Every little bit adds up and seeing that will help you feel better.
As far J's circus... I think you need to set a boundary about listening to him vent about OW's kids. That's insane that he'd expect that out of you. You don't play that role for him. If he needs a friend to vent to about her kids, he needs to find someone else.
I'd also have big issues with OW picking on S and J standing around allowing that. I'd document that. That's not cool.
I don't have cable. I stream TV through netflix. And I do have a budget set up and I go through the numbers in black and white as well as in my head. I have a cushion, but in my head it's never enough. That's my issue and I'm trying to work through it. A few weeks ago I was really confident about the progress I was making towards being debt-free, but I have confidence setbacks. That is when I just need to breathe. There isn't much more I can cut out of my budget. It's bare bones as it is. I am just hard on myself. It just helps to vent sometimes. Helps me get a better perspective.
J is very subtle. I know him like the back of my hand. He starts out talking about the kids and gently segways into something else. He doesn't have any friends. Not real friends that is. He has OW (who needs enemies with a friend like that) and he THINKS I am his friend. He vents, I say nothing. When I am tired of hearing it, my phone cuts out. LOL!
I do document the stuff that goes on with OW and my kids, but the courts don't care. If they aren't in immediate danger, the courts don't care. The GAL already told me that a year ago. There's nothing I can do about what goes on over there. BUT I did tell S that if things didn't get better when he gets older he can chose to live with me if he wants. It's all in J's corner. I told him to tell his dad how he feels ganged up on and bullied. I can't do anything about it. But it's going to hurt their relationship in the future. J already has no relationship with his son from his first marriage.
Thanks for caring anywho.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
ahh, I hear you about confidence setbacks. I think it happens to the best of us especially given our situations. I've learned that "fake it till you make it" is a GREAT way to become confident. I have these little mantras that I say to myself in the car while I'm driving and feeling particularly anxious about my life. I say, "You're ok. OK. You're ok." and "have grace" because grace to me means "beautiful strength" and who the heck doesn't want a little of that?! So with that, WH, have GRACE!!!
How sad that J doesn't have any friends. I would think that would speak volumes to someone in his situation. I do love that your phone seems to develop problems right around the time you're tired of hearing him vent. Cracked me up!
I see where the courts are coming from, I guess. I hate that for S but like you said, it'll just impact their future relationship.
I have made the decision to treat J like a business associate. It takes the emotion out of it for the most part and reminds me that he is human too (albeit not one with much of a heart) and he deserves to be treated with some aspect of dignity and respect. It's an effort, let me tell you. I do my best not to react with anger and to not assume the worst with J, but it's not easy. I have such a wall of defense and my guard is always up assuming the worst. But this is a better way to handle it rather than reacting negatively or simply avoiding him. That's putting off the inevitable.
Sad to say, but I never really got the chance to really listen to J when we were married. I know he's batsh*t crazy but honestly there were times I was defensive, angry and jumped to conclusions. This is really helping me evaluate how I communicate with others. Helps me think about what I say to others and how they might interpret that. Of course, J is no better and is no communication expert either. I think it would take someone with the patience of a saint to communicate successfully with someone like J. That or a magic wand.
But I can't pretend I played no part. I want to get back out there eventually. Time to start heading in that direction.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
I do try these days to be kind to my ex and I am currently really trying to forgive both my ex and his girlfriend. I think if I can do this in my own mind it will bring me good karma. So far I haven't had much luck.
Keep documenting you never know when it will come in handy
Maybe down the road you should consider sending ex and ow an email regarding sons feelings
Don't forget how far you have come on your own. There will always be small mental set back - allow yourself those breaks. Go easy on yourself. You have been amazing!!
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
What's really helped me in the forgiveness department is making a list (Pros and Cons) of Smokey. Looking at Smokey in a really fair, balanced way. It's takes a lot of the sting outta it.
For Example:
Pros
Good-Looking Funny Smart about certain things (science, wildlife) High I.Q. Playful
Cons
Ridiculously short legs/outta proportion with his body Less-than-well-endowed...much less (And, NOW I HAVE SOMETHING TO COMPARE IT TO!!!) Sophomoric--still thinks passing the gas is funny Kinda stupid about the important things in life...misses the big picture Drug-addled Ego-maniacal and grossly insecure all at the same time... Immature
This really helps me to see the WHOLE picture and accept that this man was human...not a super-evil villain or a super-awesome/love of my life...JUST HUMAN. Period.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I recently discovered that J has a Facebook account. No big deal I guess. But J was always adamant when we were together he wanted nothing to do with FB. Now he has an account (since November of last year) and his profile pic is of course him and OW happy as clams and states he is engaged to OW. I know OW set up this account for J. I am blocked for one thing. J would have no idea how to block me. He only has 14 friends and those are all of his family who accept OW and OW's friends that accept J. Fourteen, not 40, not 400. He is wearing the pink and peach plaid shirt OW bought him but disappointingly, he is not wearing the beret. : (. He looks haggard and old. OW is beaming from ear to ear.
It doesnt really bother me I guess. It's just different. I think it's kind of funny. More added to the big bag if crazy.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
I treat my h like a business associate, although in his current state, he's not someone I would do business with:-). I think it's quite common for people in MLC to do thinks they absolutely, unequivocally would not do. I have no idea if they realize they said (or were grandstanding in many instances) they would never do x, y or z. That's their deal though. It is humorous- never miss a good laugh.
Sounds like you are doing well. I'm sorry you S has a difficult time with this. That's a challenge.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Thanks GB. Luckily S has me he can talk to. It hurts me to no end to hear him talk about it. Maybe one day J wil wake up a bit and see how this has hurt the kids. But I'm not holding my breath.
S had his open house for back to school tonight. The plan was for me to meet J and the kids at the school at 5:00. On my way home S texted me and told me D was having a meltdown because of her hair. A serious meltdown. He sent me a pic of her and I don't know what she did to her hair but it was terrible. S tried to help her comb it and she was having none of it. I guess OW and her kids were long gone by this time and D was giving J the business. He called me and asked me to take S to his open house as D was not in any shape to go anywhere. I was disappointed because I was hoping to see D, but I picked up S and we went off. It was nice to have some one on one time with him and meet his teachers without J being all smug and smart. There was a teacher there that knew S that I think it single. He's kinda cute too. Lol.
Oh and the dog nipped at OW again. S wasnt outside when it happened but I guess OW grabbed the dog by the sides and back legs to keep him from running off and she either scared him or hurt him and he nipped her in defense. He didn't leave a mark on OW, but I guess she yelled at S about it but what was he supposed to do when he wasn't even around when it happened. I don't condone my dog biting anyone, but I know my dog does not like that woman. She called him dumb. I don't know what J is going to do about it, but I am sure I will hear about it tomorrow. The dog is not aggressive and is a big friendly baby. I don't know what it is about OW the dog doesn't like. Okay, maybe I do know.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Wait a minute. You're going to hear about the dog nipping at OW but you're not allowed to address OW and J picking on S?! No. The dog is a dog and if he/she is feeling attacked then it will protect itself by nipping... holding a dog when it doesn't want to be held means you need to be prepared to be nipped. You can't ask a dog to not act like a dog. You can, however, ask J to act like a father and NOT pick on his son with OW.
::shrug:: sorry, I get a little heated with how kids are treated by WAS and their OM/W.
