I'm really proud of you, T0-- especially considering this was an unexpected conversation AND you were already emotional and upset from work! No defensiveness, no arguing! You should feel really proud of yourself.
Think of what he said: He's not happy, he's stressed. He "just wants it over with" (thinking his unhappiness will magically disappear, which we all know it won't), saying he just couldn't take it anymore. Sounds like your dad is on to something-- your H is hurting a lot, and not able to address the root cause of it. I think showing compassion and validating his concerns was the right call in this case.
Curious-- did something in particular happen last October?
He lies about the affair and says it didn't start until June.
Wounded had given me advice not to show my cards of knowing about their communication starting in November and then the first of January every single day from morning til night.
Claire - nothing particular in October. I have gone over and over that time and cannot think of anything. Our anniversary is October and his parents visited. I really can't think of anything. I threw him a surprise 30th bday in October rented out an entire club/bar had a big surprise party and booked a hotel for the weekend with all of our friends (including boss and his wife).
He doesn't believe he is cheating on us. He believes it is over and us being married is a formality. He doesn't believe he is cheating or did cheat. So how does one handle that
First, excellent conversation with the H... I cannot say I would have changed a thing.
Originally Posted By: T0324
He doesn't believe he is cheating on us. He believes it is over and us being married is a formality. He doesn't believe he is cheating or did cheat. So how does one handle that
This doesn't matter, in the context of: So what? He can deny, change timeline, justify the OW, etc...
What does it matter who is right or wrong.
Its funny you should bring this up, as this is something I struggled with. I say funny because my exW denied, denied, denied... I was talking to her parents last month and they said something to the degree of "Did you know "Bob" is actually living with her? And I piped up and said: "Its OK, didn't you know... they are just good friends" Her mom rolled her eyes at me and said "You don't believe that, do you". I rolled my eyes back at her and smiled... I removed the smile from my face and said: "That is her demon to conquer, not mine, I don't have a horse in that race anymore".
Granted, I think you would feel better if he did admit it. But just: L_T G_!
(Please send two more checks and I will add the vowels )
Me: 43 M: 10y S:15 ILYBINILWY 2/18/13 W moved out 2/18/13 Filed for D: 2/17/13 Got DB: 2/20/13 Got DR: 2/23/13 180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13 D Final Dec '13
It may be better for your h to admit OW, however that's on him. You know. He knows. Everyone else knows. In my opinion, there really isn't much to discuss about her. As wounded says, that's his deal. And you will truly realize one day how true that is.
You've gotten some great advice and it sounds like your conversation went well. Hopefully that helps you feel a bit *better*. Hang in there!
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Can you point me to a place in your thread where you give a snapshot or a timeline? I thought I read through all your posts; maybe I did, but I've been reading through a lot lately.
So can you square me away on that? Mainly, I'm just looking to find out what your H knows you know. And what other info you have that he doesn't know you have ... and maybe what benefit there is to holding on to that info. (Wounded and the others are much more familiar with your sitch than I am, but you asked for my input on a firmer stance sooooo ... poof! Here I am! )
Look, I'm not saying to go start an argument with your H or to "fight back." I'm saying: do not lose sight of what this really is. And respect yourself. If you needed proof that you can remain cool, calm and collected and non-argumentative after a crappy day? Then maybe you got that yesterday.
But how did it leave YOU feeling?
I saw that someone (I forget who) posted the other day that so many of us here on these boards begin to think like we are "footnotes" in our spouses' lives. I often see (and did this myself the first time) people making themselves doormats/martyrs, thinking that's what MWD is pitching in DB.
I did not practice a full-on DB approach, and that is duly noted. I exposed the A. And I didn't remain my H's BFF. But in the end, I had my self-respect, my confidence ... and my H. Still, while the "dual-track" (as Starsky coined it) approach worked for me, maybe it's not for everybody.
And, oh, my H used the same lame line: "I'm not cheating! We are separated! Our M is OVER!!!"
Pfft.
Let me ask you this, T0: how do YOU feel after that interaction yesterday? I won't put words in your mouth. But you were expecting 2x4s here -- why?
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
I had been crying my whole way home and was upset (my pt I have cared for passed away).
Very side note: Does your facility offer any type of counseling for employees (many up here do as a part of employee wellness clinics)?
If so do not be afraid to exploit that service.
Me: 43 M: 10y S:15 ILYBINILWY 2/18/13 W moved out 2/18/13 Filed for D: 2/17/13 Got DB: 2/20/13 Got DR: 2/23/13 180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13 D Final Dec '13
So I will give you the best run down I have. You'll have to excuse any errors as I normally post on my phone.
So H has worked with his boss for 2 years. OW is the boss's now 19 year old teenage daughter. H used to speak terrible about her (trashy, embarrassment to her family, etc). I have never personally met her or wanted to.
February when he left the first weekend he was gone some of his friends saw him out wjth her. They told me to watch out for her they said it looked like they were dating. I said no way. He would never. He's staying with her dad they probably just all hang out. Boy was I wrong. She was always commenting and posting on his fb.
So March and April pass and I continue to hear about them together but nothing public on fb or anything but just people saw them driving together etc. end of April I find out he's taking her away to a concert for her birthday ( I have his Facebook password so I can see all his stuff). He tells me he can't take the boys for Father's Day because he and the guys got free tickets to a concert. Well I called him out. I asked if the boss daughter was more important than his boys and spending Father's Day. He said since others were accusing him of it he and her figured they mind as well make it worth it and hang out. They just started hanging out and weren't dating and I could think whatever I wanted but that nothing was going on. She had been through divorce with her parents (her dad left her mom and the two daughters both young for a 20 year old who he is now married too). I said it's sad to think you left your family for an 18 year old. He said it's sad you have to blame her for why I left when it was because of you. I never mentioned her after that.
Also in March we met for dinner. He brought her up. He said I know you've heard that she and I are hanging out. I want you to know nothing is going on. I said H I have never brought it up because I didn't think it was an issue. I know how you've talked about her and don't think she's a good person so I thought nthing of it. He said okay I just wanted you to know there's nothing going on. I only see her when I go to dinner with her parents or when she's at her dad's house.
So May comes. Let the rush of photos of her posting begin. He and her tagging each other at the movies at dinner at the concert etc. then in June he makes a public post that he's dating someone else he's moving on with his life. Mind you just the week before he told me they were just friends and he would never date her. I never acknowledged to this day anything he has posted about dating her, the pictures of them kissing, the little smart comments she makes that are hinted towards me.
I never have said her name until last night. I ended up going on the phone bill in June. I found out they started texting in November. Not everyday. The first week of January it was every single day from early morning til 12-1am. Everyday. Nonstop. A friend of his sent. Me some texts where he was telling her about Ow. This was back in January. He was telling her she was so nice and so supportive. Told him he deserves Better than me. That he deserves to be loved and appreciated for how hard he works. That his boys will be fine with a divorce she's been through it she knows. They will be happier seeing their dad with someone who makes him happy. He couldn't wait to bring her back to his home town for everyone to meet her. This was right after we went on our family vacation in January. Where everything was fine so I thought. He acted normal.
Yes they offer counseling. I have used it regarding my M. Lol. I really am okay. I promise. I just have had a rough week and I love this family so much and have seen their little girl overcome so much and fought so hard. It is unfortunately part of my job but I wouldn't change it for the world. Hence my crazy 2 hour commute.
So back to my conversation with H and where it leaves me. I honestly don't know. I didn't say everything I needed to say. I did make sure to make it clear to say I'm not crying for any other reason than I'm just sad that this is where we are. I said I'm not having this conversation for any other reason than I just want us to respect eachother and be able to coparent and have a good relationship for the boys. I am in a different place than I was 5 months ago and you won't hear me ask you to come back.
I feel good that I was able to genuinely apologize and I really truly meant what I said to him when I did say sorry. Him leaving for OW ( whether he wants to believe it or admit it it is the truth) is wrong. But it doesn't excuse that there were things I need to change. Did he do a diservice by not speaking up and assuming it wouldn't change? Yes. But I can apologize for my faults. I didn't get anything from him besides an I'm sorry you feel that way when I said I feel like he replace a me and doesn't care or respect me.
He was pretty stone cold no emotion. I don't know how I take that. It is who he is. So either he is faking it on the inside or he really HAS completely moved on and I am out of sight out of mind. I really honestly don't know
I feel better saying those things but worse that those are the reasons he's saying he left. They are things I know I can change. I'm sad that OW is here to stay and a reality. He has never told me they are dating but said the boys will be around her eventually. So I'm just taking it as he is assuming I know.
If I missed anything I apologize
Train - he has filed for divorce. We are going to mediation in sept. Yes we are still married and it's wrong. But he tells people, not. Me Ofcourse, that it just started in June when I was served with papers. My proof is in the texts and other people seeing them. He also said they were just friends and would never date and now they are. Also he has a tattoo for her. It's a cowboy boot that he got right next to the tattoo for me he had covered up. He told me the cowboy boot was for his mom. she said she has no clue what he's talking about she doesn't care about cowboy boots. So that's him lying again. So I find it hard to believe you got a cowboy boot the same month you started dating. My problem is is she's clearly here to stay - I really thought it wouldn't work out but as time progresses it's looking otherwise. He won't hit reality as long as she's in his life bc he's in euphoria.
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