Taking it day by day.. Part III

[Train]

You continue getting some great advice from wounded here, T0.

If I have anything more to pitch in, I will. Otherwise, I'm with wounded.

[T384]

Thank you both. Wounded - you know I would be lost without you!

[woundedfool]

Thank you both. Wounded - you know I would be lost without you!

While I am humbled by the sentiment, I am but a bit player in a very supportive community. My only hope is regardless of how your situation turns out.... you help others here down the road.

[T384]

I had a huge backslide

H took the boys tonight because my dad called him and asked him too. He took them to OW barn to spend time with the horses and her. He posted pics on fb so my friend called me to tell me. I was on my way home from work so I called H because we were supposed to meet for me to get the boys. I casually asked what they did. He lied.

He came over. Hung outside for a minute. I asked him to talk

I asked him if he had the boys around OW. He said no. So. I said I know we haven't been able to have this conversation because we've both been busy but I believe in the boys best interest it's best for them not to be exposed to people they don't know. I am spending my time with them with me and people/family they have known. Is this something that we could agree on? He said he knows it's not right for them to be around OW but that eventually she's going to be in their life whether I like it or not and that it's going to happen. I just responded saying I'm not really looking towards the future right now, it's been 5 months I'm just a mom trying to protect what I think is truly in the boys best interest nothing more than that. He again stated she would be in their lives so I just said that we will just have to leave it to the attornies until the divorce is finalized.

He then started bringing up how he could only take so much. He felt we argued all the time and that I hated his job and he felt no matter how hard he tried or wanted to that he couldn't ever make me happy. I validated as much as I could. I had been crying my whole way home and was upset (my pt I have cared for passed away).

I told him it must be hard to feel you work so hard and aren't appreciated. I am sorry. He just said it is what it is. I reiterated it's more than that and I'm sorry. I am a human and I have faults and if I could go back in time there are so many things I would do differently. I want you to know I am in a better place than I was months ago and whenever or if you are ever wanting to talk to me about the things I did wrong to contribute to where we are I will be happy to listen with an open ear. It will help me to learn and continue to make changes for myself.

He just said okay. I'll figure it out. I just reiterated that I was serious and I would be there thankful To listen

He then started going on and on about how I didn't like his job and he couldn't make me happy he felt miserable and all he did was work. I just said It must be hard to have felt like that especially working long hours. I them said I need you to know I'm sorry for making you feel any less than you deserved and what I truly felt. I would have done anything for you and I wanted better for our family with your job. I am sorry that I couldn't communicate that the way I should have. I'm sorry that I failed at showing you and communicating to you how much you were important to the boys and I. And not because we needed you but because we were lucky to have you. ( I may have been tearing up at some points. I apologized for the tears and said I know you hate when I do that, he said no I don't it's just what you do and that's fine some people cry but that's not me)

I told him that I hope he would be honest with me one day. That I hoped he would keep these conversations about our family between us. I asked him if one day we could try to just be parents and show the boys a healthy coparenting relstionship when or if he ever felt ready to do that

I asked if he wash happy. He said he was stressed. He said he wasn't happy but he was working on it. He's hoping to start making more money at work. That his boss has been getting new accounts. I just said that's good you have always been a hard worker and a great provider in our house. I hope you find what makes you happy

I did say at one point that I felt replaced or that he replaced me. He said you can think whatever you want but soleone can only take so much. I deserve to be happy. I said yes you do. And I truly hope you're happy. I wish you nthing but success. I just wish that we could have done things differently. But the past is the past. I can only change what I do in the future.

He told me things had been bad since October. I told him I didn't realize that. I wish he wojld have confided in me. He said it didn't matter I wouldn't have changed anything I hated his job and it was always about money. And that he was happy to have that out of his life. I apologized for making him feel that way. I wish I could change things but I can't change the way I communicated wrong in the past. I told him I wished we could have talked about these things in October before we let it snowball for 3 months. He said well it doesn't matter now and whether we like it or not the we are going to be in eachothers lives forever. He said I just wish the attornies would get their stuff together and get this divorce over with. I didn't say anything to that. Just turned my head away.

During all of this he really didn't make much eye contact if any. Towards the end he said he had to go. I said I needed to get inside to the boys and to have a good night.

I know I did wrong with all of this. I know I have made huge mistakes in all of this. I just don't think I can do this DBing anymore. I didn't really bring up the evidence of OW because like wounded said I need to keep that card in my pocket. It's just hard this is our first talk since March. It wasn't even supposed to be about all of this. I did not take any bait to argue. No nasty words no yelling. He have me a hug before he left. I said thank you for talking and listening. I'm here if you need someone to just listen without judgment. He said okay and left

[claire7]

Honestly, T0? Given where you were when you first got here, it doesn't sound all that bad to me!

You did some great validating, you didn't get into a huge argument... not only did he not call you mean names...he hugged you!!

I'm sorry to hear about your loss today-- that must have been hard. Do something nice for yourself tonight, then tomorrow maybe try re-thinking about this with a more positive lens...

Thinking of you.

[Maybell]

Wow, T.

That was amazing. Absolutely amazing.

I don't know what the vets will say but you've been aching to have that talk for months and when you finally got it you validated like a champ under circumstances that would have had most people on their knees.

I'm really sorry your patient passed away.

How do you feel now?

[T384]

Thank you Claire. I just am disappointed that this is not what I wanted for the conversation. I wasn't ready. S I just wanted to make a clear boundary with OW. That clearly his attorney didn't communicate like he was supposed to. I WASnot prepared to be bombarded with his statements.

I feel like he looks at me like I'm still waiting for him. He had to reinforce that he wanted the divorce asap which hurts. He is in no better place than he was in March Pre me coming on this site. What on earth am I doing

Mad about myself for the tears. Tears about what our life has come to. Bills finances etc. he told me his credit is terrible now that he hasn't been paying for things. I mean is Ow worth destroying eveything ? Does he really not love me at all or hate me that much that he would rather everything fall apart than try to work on anything

[Maybell]

Are you rebounding from the strength you showed earlier?

Decompress as much as you need to, but keep this big moment handy to return to when you need a reminder of how far you've come. You should be really proud of yourself. You weren't prepared for it but you executed like a champ. Be proud of yourself.

[T384]

I expected to get 2x4s. So thank you.

My dad said he thinks it was good for me to say all of that because I didn't say things In a way to guilt H I was just honest with him. One of his complaints was that I always just took care of things behind the scenes and would want help but never asked for it. So I did tell him it's not always rainbows and sunshine here. We need financial help. This is how we got into the credit and lack of him paying some bills talk. I cried how did we get here. Everything we have struggled to build just gone. He said oh well.

I said I am trying so hard to stay strong for the boys and their happiness comes first to me. He said I know that it does. I'm trying to make myself happy. I was in a bad place since October but I'm getting out of that funk now that I'm out of here. Another sting. I said I'm sorry you feel that way.


I feel ashamed that I married a man that would leave over his excuse of a job and money. I'm sad i made him feel that way. My dad just truly thinks it's not me (bless his heart lol) he believes H doesn't know how to be happy. I'm sure I'm repeating myself but he thinks H likes attention and admiration and I am strong and independent and he found someone young and dumb that worships the ground he walks on. He thinks he's on cloud 9 wjth attention and can't see anywhere else but with her. And. I need to realize that he can't be honest with me because he's not honest with himself. He believes H will repeat history. He said H dad told him he quits at everything. He said he will regret this. He may never tell me but when he can step outside of his bubble
He will see how much I loved him and our family that he walked away from for a teenager.

I told H tonight I felt we traded in temporary problems for huge permanent ones. He just shrugged his shoulders.

[Train]

T0,

Okay. I'll bite now.

Why are you validating a man who is outwardly cheating on you ... taking your children around OW without your knowledge ... AND not only refusing to end his A but outright rubbing your face in it? Why are YOU telling HIM you're sorry?!?

Validating is an important tool to have. But it's only useful when necessary and warranted. You don't have to validate just for the hel! of it. And certainly not while your H is disrespecting you to your face.