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First cocktail is always on me, Bug....next time you're on Mill Ave!!! smile

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Originally Posted By: labug
Originally Posted By: SemperFi00
Have generally always been able to have the lifestyle we want while saving substantially for retirement. What I have come to learn over the years is that W leans more to the “spending/enjoy life” side of the equation and I am more of the “save/delayed gratification” side.

Does your W agree with your assessment? Do you see this as either/or? Have the 2 of you discussed these differences?

Don’t see it as either/or and I think W would agree w/the characterization. Of course we didn’t discuss it – that’s just silly talk…….

In the past I just buried my feelings about it and worked harder to provide more. At the time, that worked I guess because I perceived there to be enough offsetting benefits on other parts of the R.

I don’t recall feeling angry or resentful then – just some mild frustration. I didn’t want to argue w/W about it so I chalked it up to just being one of her quirks (we all have them – we like and are comfortable with our own right?), part of making compromises / balancing each other out and being in a long term relationship.

I am finding it harder to maintain that same perspective and approach given the current situation.

Originally Posted By: labug
Originally Posted By: SemperFi00
At times I was irritated about the spending and lack of $$$ mgmt but just dealt with it and rationalized that what I was getting in return (i.e. parent at home with children, household upkeep, companionship, life parter, physical connection, etc….) was worth it and addressing the issue was not worth the conflict.

It's interesting that there's no mention of love here.

Would you handle the conflict differently today?

Did you think she wasn't capable of change?

What were you afraid of?

To me some of the things above speak about love (i.e. companionship, life partner, physical connection) but maybe I am missing something from your ?. Given what I know now, I would certainly expect to be more aware of the conflict and would handle it differently.

It wasn’t about me thinking she wasn’t (or was) capable of change. I suppose it was more about me not wanting to take the same position my father also seemed to take – that there was never $$$ for anything and always in a position to say no. To be fair, growing up his position was usually that out of necessity.

I want/wanted to be able to “provide” everything for W & kids (within some level of reason) and it made me feel good when I could do that.

My mother was a little “spoiled” growing up being the youngest of 4. Got most of what she wanted and when she didn’t could make it miserable to be around her. That continued into their M and often times she handled things the same way when she didn’t get what she wanted – I can even remember a couple times when she us kids away for a few days when she and my dad had arguments.

I am sure that ^^^^ also contributed to my trying to minimize any potential conflict w/W.

Holy cr@p, as I am writing this out I am realizing that W is very similar to mother in terms of $$$$ mgmt., spending vs saver etc….

Interesting, huh?


Me-48,W-51
M-22,T-24
S- 18,16,9
Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date
Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch
Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only
Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
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Bug, congratulation on your son’s graduation! I cannot wait for my son to do the same. How are you doing these days? I’m always waiting for your new posts.


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S28 (my S from previous marriage)
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BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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labug Offline OP
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Thanks for checking in, Bright!

Life goes on, good happens, not so good happens. I'm more able now to just roll with it, the ups and downs of life. I've let go of the thought that when X happens, then I'll be happy. I can choose to be happy. I continue to look for things to be grateful for everyday.

On the gratitude front, S21 has been opening up more to us about his MH issues and has agreed to see a different therapist. H and I have thought for a while that it's a needed change but S21 wasn't there yet. Now he says he is. We are optimistic but will keep expectations in check. smile As H reminded me, baby steps.

An interesting thing happened this past weekend. H is in the process of applying for his passport. Our S24 is living in Canada now and we have plans to visit him there this summer. No reservations yet, just plans. In my previous life, I would have been on H daily about getting the passport work done. Now!

I haven't asked or reminded him of it and he's been getting things together and had an appt on Sat to turn the paperwork, pay the fee, etc.

Saturday morning he realizes he can't find his birth certificate. shocked I could feel the anxiety (it's a very real physical "sick" feeling in the pit of the stomach) growing. So I took some deep breaths and just let it be. I offered to help him look but didn't allow his distress to become my distress. I don't want to make it sound like it was easy but I just kept coming back to me.

Interesting side note, we keep all those important things in a firebox and I remember getting in there for something not long after H moved out and his BC wasn't there. I can remember feeling very sad about that and thinking "He really means it, he took his BC!"

H looked various places and couldn't find it, so canceled his appt and then started the process to get a copy from Ohio. Which will take some time. I stayed out of it, completely.

I didn't comment, I didn't correct, I didn't preach. I asked myself how important is this? There's nothing driving when we go other than weather, so it may be fall and not summer. The anxiety came and went and at the end of the day no one was angry or hurt. H said at one point "I should have looked before today." He didn't need me to point that out to him. I used to think it was necessary for me to point out these things to others, to teach them a lesson. It isn't. People learn what they need to learn when they're ready to learn. Haranguing just gets in the way of the process and creates conflict.

This is not just me putting a good face on things. There was a moment or 2 of disappointment but maybe there's a reason we're supposed to go later. I'll roll with it. I have that choice.

I finished the MBSR course. It was a great experience for me. I'm now taking Tai chi and what a mental and physical workout that is! It looks so slow and fluid but it wakes up brain cells and muscles that I haven't used in years. This was another happy coincidence, a friend and I were looking for a class to take together and this was one that worked for both of our schedules. I'm really enjoying it and can feel those new neural pathways happening.

I know a lot of folks are still in the thick of BD aftermath, just keep coming back to you. Let others have their lives, their issues, their problems.

Keep looking inward, it's the only place we can find happiness.

Last edited by labug; 06/11/14 04:40 PM.

Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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So, so tough to stay ramrod still in your own sandbox at times, isn't it, Bug?!

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I want to share this cause I think it's so good and so true.

from Brene Brown on her 20th wedding anniversary.

"I'm so grateful that we found a way to keep showing up - even when it was tough and especially when we really didn't know how."

I didn't show up much of the time. Now I know better.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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labug Offline OP
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Yes, Wonka, it is difficult, almost impossible, at first but when you just do the work and take the leap, it gets easier and easier.

Fear and ego often get in the way of progress.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Nov 2011
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So what the latest good news with your story, Bug? It's depressing seeing no new news on the "Piecing" board for almost 2 months! smile

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Labug, I hope you're ok. It's difficult from here but I'd like to offer support. Will keep you in a special place in my prayers tonight.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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labug Offline OP
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Hi Maybell and Crim, thanks for checking in.

Generally things are good. S21 is still struggling but I think we now have a good treatment team in place. One thing about life is you never know what's just around the corner. If we did we might never go anywhere. smile H and I have our first visit with S21 and his new psychologist tonight. I'm looking forward to hearing what his plan is.

Baby steps, patience and being comfortable with uncertainty, these things are true in all aspects of life.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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