Stand and Deliver!

[LoisB]

There's more.

Oh, and I should preface this by saying that last night I overhead D20 and her bestie discussing mom's spending. They were discussing how she was deciding on whether to buy the pink Louis v bag or the brown one...on sale for $185 from $1,100. Apparently, she sits for hours and online shops. She can't get into her closet. Felt some resentment about that.

So after I was corrected about D20's public reasons for sitting out a semester, I felt tension...anger...Kept my mouth shut.

Mom: "Has D20 applied to any more jobs?"
Me: "I'm not sure."
Mom: "I wish she would apply at Kohl's."
Me: "I did."
Mom: "Full or part-time?"

Mom: "Have you heard anything from the attorney?"
Me: "Nope."
Mom: "Are you still thinking of leaving Smokey the house?"
Me: "I'm not sure. Just when I think I have made a decision...a neighbor or friend reminds me of the roots I have here and I begin to wonder what is the right path for us all. I've praying hard and doing the footwork, I wish God would make it a bit clearer what direction He wants me to go. I'm ready for things to get a bit easier."

Me: "At the meeting the other night, I felt some frustration and resentment that I've been left to deal with ALL of this...D20's drinking problem, college, D11's Asperger's, etc...I'm really trying to trust that ALL of this has some reason behind it. But, I'm really tired of Purgatory."

Mom: "Has Smokey contacted the girls?"
Me: "No, almost 3 months and I'm actually relieved. I actually hope it continues because...the longer he goes without contact, I think the more choices I will have in terms of where I can move/live, etc..."
Mom: "I agree."

Somehow the conversation got a little lighter and I joked that I'm ready for things to be a little easier. I said I've been doing the footwork and praying and I wish God would show me a clear path...but, I felt her judgment on whether I was really doing the footwork...I know it sounds paranoid...it's not...just wait...this time I have proof.

We get home and D11 asks if she can go to the fair with her friend. So, I start scrambling for change and dollars to put together for D11. I go into executive mode and organize D11's trip to the fair and D20 to pick up the Jeep after work...etc...D20 gives me a little attitude because I take the $13 in her purse to give to D11. (I had given D20 a $20 the other day in order to buy a watermelon). D20 then argues, but I bought a pie too...I never asked for a pie...

I come up with $17 dollars to give D11.

Mom: "$17!!!!!! Seriously? That's too much. I wouldn't give her $17!"
Me: "Mom, you used to give me $20 way back when...things are more expensive now and she has to buy a ticket to get in."
Mom: "I wouldn't give her $17, I'd give her $12 or I'd just say you can't go to the fair."

Me...let it go...let it go...

Mom: "Why are you guys buying a pie? You don't need pie."

The pie was $5 and we ate it for dinner one night.

I reached my limit with this one.

Me: "Why are you buying countless sets of antique silverware?"

Then, things lightened up a bit. We watched Monty Python's Confuse-a-Cat to start off the day on a lighter note.

On her way out the door, Mom mentions what I NEED to do to keep Burt the Snake out of the garden. It's because I need to pick up my piles of weeds and move them.

Ok. I have 3 acres to mow, a job to find, two demanding children, a broken down Jeep, a dissolution in the works...And, this from the woman who will go over, on her weekends, to weed for the man who abused her and her children for two decades.

Mom: You need to move these weed piles.
Me: I will add that to my list mom.

After she left, I felt that I had actually stood up for myself. It wasn't in what I said, but in how I felt. I maintained my anger which...in a strange way...was really healing. I didn't convince myself that it was unwarranted or that I didn't have the right to feel it because my mom is whatever and has done whatever. I ALLOWED myself to feel it.

I'm sick of double standards.

Walked away seeing more clearly how my mother's fear, guilt, shame, whatever, run the show and how I've allowed her subtle jabs to pull me down.

I love my mom with all my heart...but, she uses me to feel better about herself. She justifies her own selfish/bad behavior by analyzing my life and coming up with reasons for NOT helping. She keeps me down and continues on her merry way. I'm tired of this dynamic. It's going to stop. And, I think I took some small steps in that direction today.

D20 is at work. D11 is going to the fair. I'm going to take a long bubble bath and ? maybe get back to some jobs/write for money.

[LoisB]

Ok. So feeling empowered. Trusting God. Praying this morning for His Guidance.

A potential client calls. Her son needs help. His dad died suddenly over the summer and he's angry and sullen and she is besides herself with what to do. I told her that I would meet with her on Thursday to discuss the situation. I'm willing to meet her. IDK.

Just when I think God will zig, He zags. The timing was pretty weird.

[Underdog]

Hey Heather,

I'm glad you are able to see lots of this stuff with your mom and D20 clearly. Keep on keepin' on!

I also have a D20 and remember clearly what a pain in the butt I was at 20. It's a rough go. My thoughts are with you.

In regards to your fair discussion, I was sitting here with a WTF expression on my face. It's like your mom treats you as though you are 12 and blowing your allowance on pop rocks instead of saving it for something she deems worthwhile. That's bad enough, but to get lectured by your daughter? Ick!

Somehow I think you need to get your mom to understand that undermining you in front of your girls is really limiting your ability to parent them. As her how she'd have felt if someone did that to her when she was raising you?

I know you've been talking to your D20 about having respectful communications with you. Good for you. And I'd encourage more of that in these instances. You don't need a parent right now -- you need support. And what's it to them if you give D11 $17 for the fair? (BTW, I had to laugh when you got to the part of the antique silverware.)

Maybe you could just ask your mom to keep her dissenting comments to you privately? I'd love to see her stop treating you as though you are an idiot 12 year old, but we can't change her.

It's encouraging to see you standing up to her, Heather. For some reason, she thinks you need a parent. It might be up to you to tell her that while you understand a parent always worries about a child - no matter the age - you need a positive friend in your life and no more parenting because you're more than capable.

I personally think that the more independent you are and earning income without having to put yourself in the position of being indebted to anyone, the better you'll feel about your circumstances, the less angry and resentful you'll become, the more empowered you will be, and the more likely you will be able to tell these negative Nancys to butt the heck out of your business.

Keep going. You're doing awesome!

Betsey

[Matt165]

Hi again,
The $17 vs. $12 reminded me of my W before B-day (she was already in MLC, I just didn't know it yet). I would tell my D (17 at the time) to be home by, say 12:30 AM. Before I talked to her I spoke with W and she had agreed to that time. Well, I would tell D that she must be back by 12:30, no if's, ands or buts and when D would complain (I could have said 2:00 and she would have complained) W would say "Gee, Matt, why not just give her to 12:45?". D would see an opening and BAM! big fight that could have been avoided by both of us just sticking to our guns! What the heck is the difference between 12:30 and 12:45 except to get over on me, control the situation, cause problems? The $5 difference wasn't worth her saying a word about except to be controlling, no doubt about it!

[LoisB]

Thank you Betsey :-) You da bomb.

Followed up on some resumes today. There's one in a small town in Vermont that's particularly appealing for today. I have an interview at Kohl's tomorrow--hence the car repair today...It would be a drive, but I'm feeling like my self-esteem could use the break from more judgment and more town discussion.

It reminds me of when my Grandmother was left by my Grandfather for his secretary. She was the bank president's wife and had to go work in the underwear department in the local department store. While I'm not afraid to do that...I know I could if I had to...And, I have profound admiration for my Grandmother for having that courage...I will avoid the shame that I know more people will try to INFLICT upon me right now. I'd much prefer to quietly earn some extra money while I get things straight. It feels good to make a decision for myself without the nagging pressure of the Internal Critic...a decision based upon what Adult Heather believes is BEST for Heather...not Heather forcing herself to do something in order to please or make others respect her. What they think of me is done of my damn business. I will work where I find it.

Little worried about what the mechanic will come back with pricewise...but, I will turn it over.

Spiritual Song of the Day
"I'm not Tired Yet" sung by the Mississippi Mass Choir on Youtube. (I am a lil tired actually)

I'm Not Tired Yet

Been working for Jesus a long time
(I'm not tired yet)

Been running for Jesus a long time
(I'm not tired yet)

Been working for Jesus a long time
(I'm not tired yet) Repeat

Been singing for Jesus a long time
(I'm not tired yet) Repeat

Been running by day and praying by night
(I'm not tired yet)

I've gotta get going it's a mighty hard fight
(I'm not tired yet)

No...
(No... I'm not tired yet) (4x)

I've been serving the Lord a long time
(I'm not tired yet)

I've been serving the God a long time
(I'm not tired yet)

I've been living for Him a long time
(I'm not tired yet)

I've been living for God a long time
(I'm not tired yet)

I've been praying to Him a long time
(I'm not tired yet) repeat
It's an uphill journey but I'm on my way
(I'm not tired yet)

Working for Jesus all I've got to say is
(I'm not tired yet)

No... (No. I'm not tired yet) 4x

Sometimes my burdens press me down
(I'm not tired yet)

Sometimes I hasten to higher ground
(I'm not tired yet)

Sometime I can hardly see my way
(I'm not tired yet)

So I got on my knees and I begin to pray
(I'm not tired yet)

No... (No. I'm not tired)

Running for Jesus
(Running for Jesus)

I'm running for Jesus
(Running for Jesus)

Running for Jesus
(Running for Jesus) 3x

Running by day
(Running for Jesus)

And by night
(Running for Jesus)

Keep on running
(Running for Jesus) 2x

Lay aside ???
And awake in sin
Run with patience
The race set before me

Running for Jesus
(Running for Jesus)

I've got to run
While the sun is shining

N0... (No... I'm not tired yet) 4x

Running for Jesus
(Running for Jesus)

Running by Grace
(Running for Jesus)

Running by Mercy
(Running For Jesus)

Grace is official
Mercy endure
I gotta keep on running
I gotta story to tell
I gotta tell somebody
About King Jesus

You see He saved me
And then He filled me
With the Father and Holy Ghost

I wanna tell somebody
That the wages of sin
Is death
But the gift of God
Is eternal life

Choir lets run
And tell somebody
Jesus is love
Jesus is a savior

He is my keeper

(No... I'm not tired yet)

I gotta keep on running

[LoisB]

P.S. D20 has not been blatantly obnoxious to me since she came back from the N.M. Trip from Hell.

Can we all say, "Hallelujah!!!"

And, I feel armed and ready if she tries. :-) All this Gospel music is sinking into my soul...Y'all better watch yourselves...Heather is taking no shid and has Jesus fighting her battles. :-) Nooooooooo, I'm not tired yet...Gotta keep on running...

[LoisB]

Didn't get the Amish Country Reporter job...they gave it to an in-house sports reporter. That's ok. God's got a plan.

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