Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 4 1 2 3 4
labug #2473470 07/29/14 02:41 AM
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 589
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 589
Thank you LA bug, for that. After he came home I realized I was totally over-reacting to how I thought my text came across to him. Of course I had to explain to him that I just wanted to give him a heads up, but then later realized it might have sounded accusatory. He said he didn't think anything of it.

Ugh, I realize how far from detached I am lately. Whenever I feel a glimmer of hope I start slipping back into those bad habits of having to fix everything. But when I accept that it is over and I am done and fed up with it, I slip into the opposite bad habits where I feel the need to call him out on everything.

And he is good at turning things around on me. I didn't even realize he did it, until I was explaining to a coworker about the positive conversation we had over the weekend, and she pointed out that once again he blamed his bad behavior on me. I didn't even pick up on it. I went to a double al-anon meeting today. I want to rush it and start the steps already, but I realized I still have a ways to go. When I first started going I thought, hey I already have these first three steps down pat, piece of cake. But then I realized I might know these things cognitively, but I haven't really gotten to the point of acceptance yet. I tend to rush through things, get all gung ho and do a lot of prepartory work before starting, then when I start I think I already know everything I need to know that I don't allow myself to get as much out of it as a should. And of course, then I get bored and burn out and quit. But I know if I really want to change, I need to take it slow and work the steps as it is intended. I am just in such a hurry to get better! But reality is getting better is a life long struggle, not something that I can speed through and get my "You Are Now Perfect" certificate at the end of it.


40s 2teens M14Y
BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14
BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14
EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues
Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15
D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
I want a "You Are Now Perfect" certificate too! smile

Where you're at is a human place. When I first realized I was actually in a place where divorce was a real possibility, I wrote "180" on the insides of each of my wrists as a reminder to stop and think before I let my instincts rule me again. It pains me to think how different things could have been had I come to acceptance of my reality six months sooner.

But I couldn't. And you know what? As much as I am still a work in progress, I would not trade who I am today with who I would have stayed being had I not gone down this dark and crooked path. Is it worth it?

...yes. (The hesitation is out of respect for the pain this time has caused our extended family and some of our friends.)

So. You're on the dark and crooked path. But you've got maps in your hands, so don't get lost in the woods. smile

You'll get there. Just keep walking.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 589
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 589
I love your analogy of the dark crooked path. I do feel like that. There is something hopeful about the journey even though it is absolutely terrifying. I think I had gotten past the point of feeling so sad about the possibility of this marriage ending. Like I have gotten closure on the old relationship, even though we are still in limbo. It is like the map is starting to make sense, and feel worth it, and that even though I don't know where I will be when I get there, I know that it will be a much better place then where I am now. And I also believe it will be a much better place then where I started when I thought things were perfect.

When I look back on where my marriage went wrong I very easily go back to September 2011. That is the exact time when I started feeling like my life was spinning out of control. When I started panicking that my dreams were not coming true. Maybe I had a bit of a midlife crises at that time, even though I wasn't at a typical MLC age. That is when I went from a Scarlett O'Hara point of view (pretty much living in a happy go lucky place of denial and waiting for someone else to clean up my messes) to what I thought was a mature and responsible way of being. But in reality I was just becoming obsessed with trying to control everything. And I was driving myself and my husband crazy. I think, also, this change of attitude brought about resistance in H. Because the truth was that things weren't all my fault, and that was hard for both of us to accept.

And then some completely frightening and unexpected and uncontrollable things started to happen (unexpected deaths that happened in ways I never would have dreamed, weather related crises that effected loved ones but scared the S out of me). It all just made me crazier, because I was just finally starting to get to the point of being able to prepare for the expected and now I was bombarded with the unexpected.

I see my role in all of this--I'm the one who changed, and it isn't such a bad thing, I just tried to take the training wheels off too soon. I am learning that there is a balance, although I am still searching for it. There is a way to be accountable for the things within my control and to let go of the things that are not, but like I said before, discerning which is which is where my problem lies.

And I am starting to see him differently. He was always perfect in my eyes. I was always the flawed one, and the fact that he loved me always amazed me. The fact that he didn't see these faults. He deserved someone better, but when I thought I was becoming that better person, things just got worse. He pulled away. It didn't make any sense. But now I realize that he isn't perfect. No one is.

The more I tried to become a better contributor the more he was faced with his own demons. The reality that our financial problems were more on an outflow problem then inflow was such a positive finding for me and I thought he would feel the same way. But instead he got very defensive about it. And I guess it is because he knew he had issues that I never noticed. He has been struggling with his issues--and even to this day I am trying to talk him out of acknowledging them.

Until I decided to get angry, then I started listing them all. Being angry is a new thing for me, too. Something that just started a few months ago. And I am learning that anger is ok, it is how we react to it that is the problem. Again, I need to find the balance between setting boundaries and lecturing. And I need to stop apologizing.

I am learning through this process that he isn't right all of the time. That sometimes he actually says things just to hurt me, and not because they are true. That just because he puts all the blame on me doesn't mean I have to take it on. It is all of those subtle things that I never realize is happening. It isn't until I talk about them in a meeting, or with a friend who has been through it with an addict that I am shown the manipulation that is coated in what seems like a humble acknowledgement of his faults--but at the heart of it there is always that hint of "because of you". I am starting to see it, but I am still working on how to handle it.

And that is why those maps are so important. Those checkpoints to help me identify where I am right NOW, rather than focusing on where I am headed or where I came from.

Last edited by mustardseed; 07/29/14 08:07 PM.

40s 2teens M14Y
BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14
BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14
EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues
Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15
D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Page 4 of 4 1 2 3 4

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard