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LoisB #2473812 07/29/14 08:03 PM
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Ssarah Offline OP
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Thank you for that LoisB, your advice is a great reminder of why I come on here to post in the first place. You all put things in perspective in a way that no one on the outside of this can. Our family and friends can say whatever they want, but as much as they try, they just don't get it.

I have to stop even thinking about these scenarios and just move forward... with just me and my 2 little ones. Thanks for helping me put the brakes on these thoughts.

Last edited by Ssarah; 07/29/14 08:04 PM.

Me: 35, H: 36, M: 6, S: 1, D: 3, BD: 4/21/14 H still living at home
Ssarah #2473858 07/29/14 09:24 PM
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Sarah,

Your friends are thinking in a logical, rational way. In their mind, of course h would miss his family. Your h isn't logical or rational. He's operating on sheer emotion.

And for the record, I hope my sandbox has a hammock, ocean view, and a berate with an umbrella:-)



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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So is it against DB and standing in general to lock H out of our bedroom? After 2 weeks of keeping it cool with OW he is in full swing once again. Today he left at 8:30pm saying he was going to get something to eat. 2.5 hours later he is still out. I'm sure he'll show up at 1 or 2am and I do not want him strolling into our bedroom like everything is just peachy. This is not a pit stop where you come to rest, change, freshen up and go again and I'm really sick of H treating our home as one. But then that shows that he's phased me so it's probably not something I'm supposed to do. I just seriously don't want him near me tonight.


Me: 35, H: 36, M: 6, S: 1, D: 3, BD: 4/21/14 H still living at home
Ssarah #2474140 07/30/14 04:27 PM
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So I was wrong, he came home at 4:30am and not 1 or 2am, to a locked bedroom door. After knocking and calling my cell, he jimmied the lock open and came in saying he wanted his phone charger but of course changed and got in bed. I couldn't physically stand to be near him. Against DB rules I said to him this isn't a motel, pit stop or bath house for him to keep his things and come and go as he pleases... not a place for him to just pop into to freshen up for OW. He of course responded that he wasn't with her and that I'm crazy. I laid in bed for a bit and couldnt take being in such close proximity to him so I went downstairs to the family room. Minutes later he followed asking me to go back to our bedroom and that he'll just sleep in the guest room. I told him just to leave me be, that I didn't want to be around him right now. He then tells me he wasn't with "her", that he was at his office and fell asleep on the couch there. I told him that I don't and can't believe a word he says to which he responded that he knew, and that's why we can't fix things (projecting once again). Then he tells me, "you know, I'm going to be going out, I can't just sit in the basement" as if he's been exiled to there. I just responded that it is not normal for a person to come home at 4:30am on a Tuesday night. He didn't say anything and finally left me alone.

Is it normal for an MLCer to blatantly deny the A. When I read everyone's sitch I see the MLCer deny initially but eventually they stop spinning and just admit their love for OW. My H was admitting more 2 months ago than he is now. This limbo land is really driving me batty. Stop disrespecting me and the kids and go experience this life you want and need. I really wish I could push him out the door with bags packed.

Those who's MLCer was having an A and still living at home, how did you deal? What boundaries did you set and how did you get through each day?


Me: 35, H: 36, M: 6, S: 1, D: 3, BD: 4/21/14 H still living at home
Ssarah #2474155 07/30/14 05:11 PM
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So sorry to hear about last night Sarah,
While my W was living at home I don't think she was having an A but then again, I really can't be certain. I knew that if she had I wouldn't have been able to stand any longer so I didn't snoop or ask questions. I can say this. Just a couple days ago when my W freaked out while packing things to take to "her" house, she said that she had to leave our home because she had to sleep on the couch for 6 months and how "uncomfortable" that was. No one told her to sleep there. In fact even the kids told her she should be sleeping in her bed with me. She acted like this was her ONLY choice or that she had been exiled out of our bedroom. Heck, I even offered to sleep on the couch if she wanted. I think they get this idea in their head and have no choice but to act on it. If she had slept in our bed she may have started to change her mind and she fought that with all her might. It makes no sense but what do they say or do that does make sense?

What possible reason did H have to be at his office or fall asleep on the couch there? I don't know many people who go out to eat at their office. While it wasn't "good DB" to lock the door, IMO you are setting a boundary with him. If he is going to go out and play with OW or stay out until 4:30 AM without saying where he is or why, you don't want him sleeping in your bed. I don't see anything wrong with that. Just my thoughts.

And by the way, he was so wrong to jimi the lock, even if he just wanted his phone charger! He knocked and called your cell and if he wasn't an a$$ he would have known that meant that you didn't want him in there and to leave you be. Why they think they can do things that if we were to do them they would blow their tops is so frustrating!

Hang in there Sarah. You can get past this!

Matt165 #2474212 07/30/14 07:15 PM
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Matt I'm thinking the same thing. I'm done with being his doormat and just internalizing everything and letting him go on his merry way. Not sure if it really falls in line with standing or DBing but he needs to know when he's stepped over the line. Did I show too much emotion last night, not sure, but I dont think I did. There was no drama or yelling just simple statements made. and that was my sentiment exactly. I've never locked our bedroom door so if I did I obviously don't want to be around you. But he shows no respect for me so his actions just follow suit.

As to your W, sounds like she wanted space just like my H does when he goes to the basement, yet somehow even that's our fault. That's just the way their world turns I guess.


Me: 35, H: 36, M: 6, S: 1, D: 3, BD: 4/21/14 H still living at home
Ssarah #2475561 08/04/14 04:40 AM
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Originally Posted By: Ssarah
So I was wrong, he came home at 4:30am and not 1 or 2am, to a locked bedroom door. After knocking and calling my cell, he jimmied the lock open and came in saying he wanted his phone charger but of course changed and got in bed. I couldn't physically stand to be near him. Against DB rules I said to him this isn't a motel, pit stop or bath house for him to keep his things and come and go as he pleases... not a place for him to just pop into to freshen up for OW. He of course responded that he wasn't with her and that I'm crazy. I laid in bed for a bit and couldnt take being in such close proximity to him so I went downstairs to the family room. Minutes later he followed asking me to go back to our bedroom and that he'll just sleep in the guest room. I told him just to leave me be, that I didn't want to be around him right now. He then tells me he wasn't with "her", that he was at his office and fell asleep on the couch there. I told him that I don't and can't believe a word he says to which he responded that he knew, and that's why we can't fix things (projecting once again). Then he tells me, "you know, I'm going to be going out, I can't just sit in the basement" as if he's been exiled to there. I just responded that it is not normal for a person to come home at 4:30am on a Tuesday night. He didn't say anything and finally left me alone.

Is it normal for an MLCer to blatantly deny the A. When I read everyone's sitch I see the MLCer deny initially but eventually they stop spinning and just admit their love for OW. My H was admitting more 2 months ago than he is now. This limbo land is really driving me batty. Stop disrespecting me and the kids and go experience this life you want and need. I really wish I could push him out the door with bags packed.

Those who's MLCer was having an A and still living at home, how did you deal? What boundaries did you set and how did you get through each day?


Sarah, my heart breaks for you while I am reading this. I hate that- living with and dealing with the confusion, lies, mistrust... all the emotion and not knowing how to respond. I think you handled it very well. I am glad you stood up for yourself. I do not think it goes against dbing, because you were setting boundaries. And, you were hurt. I understand. Sometimes I wonder if we should always hide all of our hurt. There is a line- you are his wife, no matter what your situation is right now. He is crossing that line, and you let him know that you have expectations as his wife. You did not argue or go crazy. I think when we react with our emotions taking the lead is when it gets pointless (the way mlcers act!). You were clear and to the point.

You asked if they deny the a. Well in my case- FOR SURE! He did everything he could and took advantage of my trust. He knew exactly how to manipulate me to believe him. He continued this even after he moved out. In fact, he bought a house with her when he found out she was pregnant (and not until 4 months preg). This is the only reason he did tell me. He avoided it until he couldn't any longer. To make matters worse, my s17 found out a few weeks before me. It was terrible for him. He continuously told h to tell me, and h still put it off. My poor s. He had to live these lies and secrets... So yes, he denied and hid, lied and cheated. Even when there was evidence, he'd explain it away. He would even come back a few days later with come made up story. I don't know why they hide it if they are "done" but some do.

Hang in there. Stay strong. You are making good choices. You can do this.

Mighty #2475892 08/05/14 01:52 AM
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Thanks Mighty for your kind words. I don't know how you stay as strong as you do with what your H has put you through. It's just unimaginable for a normal person to treat someone this way. But I guess that's it, they're just not normal b

So he's now sleeping in the guest room every night. He came home late on different night too and again it made me anxious and uncomfortable. So I got up and went to the guest room. The next night without asking he slept there and has been in there since.

I'm finding this journey to be tougher and tougher with each passing day. I thought I'd be getting stronger and more detached but instead I'm getting more resentful and hurt. He is now staying out until 3:30 to 4:30am every single night. The sight of him the next morning just boils my blood. Today he tried saying something about the house to me and I just walked away, completely ignoring him. I can't even fake it right now. He's leaving on Sunday for a month and I look forward to the "time off" from him. I look forward to not worrying about when he's coming or going, where he is or who he's with. I think this time will really help me detach and fall into my own routine. It will also be a good practice run for when he does move out, which I'm sure will happen soon.


Me: 35, H: 36, M: 6, S: 1, D: 3, BD: 4/21/14 H still living at home
Ssarah #2475914 08/05/14 04:10 AM
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So very sorry about this Sarah,
I wish I had something good to offer you but I only have this... until you stop him, until you set the boundary that he just can't do this and expect to also have a W and a home, he isn't going to suddenly stop. Every time my W started to make a positive change, something new would happen (in her head) and it was right back to me and her bad M causing her pain. The more "space" I gave, the more she needed. You say he is staying for your S's sake? How is acting the way he is now good for your S? How is treating you the way he is helping things? He seems to respond when you don't allow him to get away with crap, when he notices that you are pulling away. Pull away totally. Don't respond to his crap. Don't get drawn into his drama. How can things get worse?

Like you said, he is most likely going to leave anyway. Let him go and GAL while he is away. You are going to be fine. You are stronger than you think. I can tell from your posts.

Matt165 #2476066 08/05/14 05:21 PM
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Matt165, I don't know why he's staying. I THINK he's staying for the kids (D3 and S1) but I don't know for sure. He has said since BD that if it wasn't for the kids he'd be long gone, but whether that's true I don't know. I would say another thing that keeps him around is that he's unsure. He doesn't know what he wants and so he can't make that final decision to leave. This is not really about me, but about breaking up and walking away from our family, our home, everything we've built up together. Is it okay for my kids, especially D3, to see daddy come and go as he pleases? Absolutely not. I don't want to raise my daughter with insecurities.. not knowing if daddy will be there for her or not. Asking where's daddy? Why isn't he home? And as much as I want him to move out for my sanity, am I ready for that? I don't know. If it happens then I will have no choice but I don't know that I am ready to decide fro him. That is why I am welcoming this month off. I will be able to detach and become me again (hopefully).


Me: 35, H: 36, M: 6, S: 1, D: 3, BD: 4/21/14 H still living at home
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