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great discussion over here! just wanted to pop in and say hi GB- hope you're doing well - I like your attitude and I think you're handling things very well, you're right - it is what it is and no sense in letting it drag you down. Take care!


Me - 42
exH - 56
Married 10.5 years
Together 17
bomb dropped 1/6/14
signed papers 2/4/14
H moved out 2/22/14
D final 4/4/14
Dropped the rope 5/17/14
2 cats, 2 dogs
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Originally Posted By: Ssarah
Originally Posted By: Wonka

I have yet to see a Jekyll/Hyde MLCer to come out of this process to the other side. I think they're too stuck, too angry at the world, and too self-righteous to even contemplate on undergoing some introspection. Oh my! That would turn their "reason" for leaving upside down and they'd have to admit that they're wrong. Nope. Not happening. Their ego-filled pride prevents them from doing so. Unfortunately.


Deep down I fear that this is my H. He is too prideful to admit he's wrong. I wonder what category my MLCer falls in, the Jekyll/Hyde, the meek or somewhere in between. He definitely was Jekylle and Hyde after BD, and now has mellowed out but I'm so early on that I'm not sure what he'll remain as.

One thing I do wonder about Wonka is the MLCer that flip flop with what they want vs. those that remain consistent with their desire to go. So far in every reconciliation story I've read the MLCer has expressed verbally some form of doubt or confusion as to what they want. They have all said to their W in some form or another that they need time or need to figure things out. The one thing H has been consistent with is only "speaking" about his need to leave but never "speaking" about confusion or uncertainty. He has expressed those thoughts through his actions(#1 sign is hiring an atty 2 months ago but still not filing) but has yet to say those words. Not sure if anyone in his state has ever come out to the other side.


Ssarah, I experienced the same thing with my h. The same behaviors, totally. He would get so emotional and upset at the idea of us "ending" but would say, "I gotta go" and run out of here so quickly. It was like something took over him and he wouldn't let himself feel. Something was definitely pulling him away (and now we know what-or whom!)
He has, over the years, shown some anger. I believe it was the depression turned inward, and the hurt expressed as anger (the way Terrance Real describes), but after he moved out, it was monster. Monster was different. After monster, he would call the next day and apologize. He would be very quiet and soft-spoken. There would only be an apology- no explanation of anything. Then usually we would just talk normally or as friends.

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I'm happy this thread is so lively! This is a great discussion and I appreciate everyone's comments and insight. It is very enlightening.

Wonka- as always, thank you so much for sharing your expertise and personal journey. I adore you and have done a pirouette in your honor:) Yes, h had an epic breakdown in Twitter and college vet student said she would save him. Their R started up hot and heavy about a week after that. Right after moving out, h kept saying he "had to keep pushing forward", "no backsliding" and "burn all the bridges". H met with 2 therapist and both said he had exactly zero coping skills. And even though he is completely off the rails and does ridiculous caca- I actually believe that way down deep inside he still loves me. Maybe I'm crazy for thinking that.

Julie- I could have written your post. I too met my h about a year after his divorce and I can't quite describe how I saw him. I thought he was very funny and the most sensitive person I had ever met. I could tell he was upset about his D, however my friends kept telling me what a great guy he was and not to let him get away. I never saw myself as saving him, however, I did think I could help *fix* him. H has great parents (he thinks so too) and always felt inferior to his older brother as he struggled with a severe learning disability and was held back twice in school. He would still break down and cry when recalling that and you could tell he did not deal with stuff.

T-Squared(I love your name)- you are right. The answers will come. Regardless of the outcome

In regards to people dealing with their path of destruction, I can't imagine my h ever admitting it. I can imagine him carrying it around and pushing it down like he does everything else. I know miracles happen although I simply cannot fathom him ever thinking he could have done things differently. It doesn't matter as it changed nothing that I do. Sometimes, I wonder if an incredibly sensitive person could ever * really* deal with their actions. Who knows?

I read and sometimes chuckle at the ongoing argument of people wanting to assign a MLC label. I hear some think reconciliation is higher and some say that the LBS doesn't have to take responsibility. I'm flawed. I've made changes that I'm happy with. I was not perfect in my M and it was not my top priority. I never thought in a zillion years my h would leave. Was I wrong! I will not take things for granted and am grateful for so many good people and things in my life. I'm not sure why on earth why giving it that particular moniker would make one feel better. Every male who has witnessed some of our sitch has said that h is very obviously going thru MLC. Only one friend says OW loves him the way he wants to be loved. I consider myself intelligent and I have no idea wtf that means. She's in college, has no job, no kids, exchanges over 100 texts a day with him, plays video games with him and gets drunk with him by the pool. As I've stated before, I can't compete with that. I can't show him what he's missing because he doesn't want it-it being kids, responsibilities, a wife who isn't that kind of fun, etc. And I've finally accepted that's okay. I love my kids. I wouldn't trade them for the world. H says his life has been on hold for the last 12 years. Those are his feelings and his alone. My h that I loved is gone and while that still makes me sad, I'm okay.

Sorry for the novel. I'm waiting for my son and felt wordy. Again, thanks for everyone's thoughts.

Last edited by Georgiabelle; 07/29/14 07:46 PM.


3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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Great discussion,
It may not be the OW that pulled him away. With my W she stayed a year after B-day. Every time things started to get a little bit better, she would find a way to pull away even more. I think she had gotten it into her head that running was the answer and when anything started to make her question that, it frightened her. She had committed herself to me and her 'bad marriage" being the cause of her pain and if it wasn't, what WAS the cause? Certainly NOT her or any "problem" she may have. She would say she tried so many things to fill the void in her life (being a stay at home mom, throwing herself into work when she went back, losing weight and getting in shape, etc.) but nothing worked so it MUST be me and our M! I think more then anything they use the OP to have someone there that will tell them what they are doing is justified, is the "right" thing to do, along with the high of being seen as desirable. They get little validation from friends and family for what they are doing. OP becomes the one that "gets" them and they can now say they aren't alone in thinking what they are doing is just fine.

Just my thoughts.

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S11 had a therapy appointment yesterday. He made boards of how mom makes him feel and one with how dad makes him feel. The c asked S11 if she could show me. I felt exactly like the Grinch (except I'm not Grinchy) when his heart grew 3 times. I was so happy for S that I make him feel loved and special. He is such an interesting, wonderful little boy. He is melt worthy:-). The board about his dad made me sad for him. However, I think I'm pretty detached and while I hate that S feels that way, I cannot interfere. I just remind him his dad loves him and when he says he acting weird, I say "yes, he is going through something."

H said he would watch s4 while S11 and I went to trivia. When h got there, s4 said "Daddy, I don't want to go with you. I want to stay with mommy." H literally smiles and says "oh okay " and starts to turn around. Hold up, h. I told s4 that I promised s11 we would do this and perhaps his dad would let him see the fish or the ducks. I told h he was very tired. H said, " so you think he will go to sleep soon?" I said "yes" and h said "oh that's good." I realize he thinks these kids are a downer.

Only to be topped by this morning's interaction. H has not taken them to school this week. I got the boys wireless walkie talkies. S4 asked me to play and I said I had to go to work. Shame on me. I said maybe your dad will at with them with you. H says" I no longer do this. I will not do this" when s4 asked him. I looked at s4 in his little Batman shirt, holding his elephant and sucking his thumb watching his dad. grandstand about not playing with the walkie talkies. I cannot believe this is the man I married and I've realized these kids are more mature than him. Sad. However, he won't ruin our goodness.

I'm wearing this dress today that makes me feel like Kim Kardashian and while she is a very pretty lately, I feel very uncomfortable. No worries folks. It's not sheer-just snug in the trunk.

We loved having my brother, niece and niece's baby visit. We laughed and played Just Dance. My kids love them all very much. My brother had a good visit with the transplant board and is going to be fitted for a prosthetic in the next couple of weeks. Thanks to you all for kind thoughts.

Feel free to continue discussing what the MLCer is trying to escape from. Mine is trying to escape from reality:-)



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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So good to hear your bother is doing well.

I don't think I would have been able to hold in the tears if s made a board like that about me. You are clearly a wonderful mom!


Me 44 H 42
M 10 T 12 (at time of BD)
Ss 20 16
S11 (special needs)

BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom
10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied
S and I move out 3/15
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I find the hardest times in all of this is when the MLCer is so cold and distant towards their little ones. Seeing S4 standing there with the walkie talkie asking to play would make even a stranger stop what their doing and engage.. but not the MLCer. They don't have the time, interest or care to. Glad that you didn't let him ruin your "goodness". You really are a great example of how detached we all should be. Now go rock your Kim Kardashian dress like you own the place!


Me: 35, H: 36, M: 6, S: 1, D: 3, BD: 4/21/14 H still living at home
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Hi Georgia,
"I no longer do this. I will not do this.", you must have wanted to shoot him down on the spot! How can someone look at their own child and say such a thing! So, what DOES he do for his kids now, anything? I had two girls and I would have loved to had a boy to do just those kind of things with. I had to play Barbies and dress up! I remember with my oldest I had to have different voices for each doll and if I didn't use the "right" voice she would get very cross and tell me I wasn't doing it right. Those are memories you can never get back once the time to make them has passed. What the heck has happened to these MLCers?

When my D14 was 10 and 11 she was into writing poetry. She was the youngest winner of a competition in a large city near where we live for kid poets. The winners were published in a book of "Young Bards" and recited the winning poems in front of a large crowd. She was and still is very good. Every once in a while I would find poems she had written about me, what a special dad I was, how loved she felt and my heart would melt. There is no greater "high" in the world then that feeling you get when you see "proof" that your kids love you and know how much you love them back. I'm sure it beats playing video games and drinking with some college hottie by the pool!

Of course a REAL man would rather be with someone who can pull off that dress, not some video playing college bimbo. Knock 'em dead, Georgiabelle! smile

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GB, sorry to hear your h is so checked out with your kids. It is so sad that they do this. It just shows how disconnected they are from their real emotions. I guess it can help us understand that their actions aren't really coming from their feelings? Because if they really were to be in-touch with their real, raw emotions, they wouldn't behave this way and hurt our kids. Lets just hope someday they can really take a good look at themselves.

Keep on trucking and filling those boys hearts 3 extra sizes. That's what they will remember- how good you made them feel.

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Mighty, the MLCer really can make our heads spin. I guess that's why it's so important to detach, to not respond to their antics and moods. My H has mellowed out recently, but at the same time he is extremely distant, like a stranger living in our house. I try to stay clear at all times, keeping myself busy and away from him. It's the comings and goings that I can't seem to detach from. That's what I struggle with most.


Me: 35, H: 36, M: 6, S: 1, D: 3, BD: 4/21/14 H still living at home
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