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Originally Posted By: Tarheel
Does this feel like a rebellious teenager going against their parent's advice?



No, it just feels FOOLISH.


You are leading with your feelings and from a place of fear, instead of wisdom and experience. That rarely works.


Good luck.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

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Originally Posted By: Tarheel
Should we decide to go out again, I WILL address OM contact, trust me on that.



Why would we "trust you" on that? You've shown yourself to be a man whose words and boundaries mean very little, if anything.


You were looking for everyone to validate what you were GOING to do ANYWAY, and when we didn't . . . you're asking us to "trust you."


Sorry, I don't. This is going to set you back.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

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"but I really feel that it's the right thing to do (for ME) at this point (I know DBing is usually the opposite of what you feel is right)."

This isn't even DBing. It's the fact that YOU want to control things which isn't what your W wants.

"but I really do feel that this is W's way of testing the waters on if a new M between us would be better than the old M."

Unless she actually told you this, this is all mindreading on your part. You can't predict what she thinks any more than you knew she had an OM.

"These past couple most I've realized that my desire to DB is starting to wane and am not satisfied continuing to 'wait' on a decision from W much longer. "

Then you never understood what DBing is all about. Your W left for a reason and it took her awhile to get to this point. A few months of "change" on your part (change that you only did to expect her to accept) isn't enough unless SHE INITIATES. That's what everyone is telling you.


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Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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No offense, but I gotta be honest with you, Tarheel... I can't imagine I'd be willing to go on a 'date' with my H if I knew he was seeing someone else. I mean, she already dated you and committed to a life with you. And now what? Is she on the "Bachelorette" and you are trying to compete for her affections over another guy? It just does not feel like you are entering into this as equal players. Now, if she said, "Ok, I think we are ready to see if we can make a go of this. I want to reconnect with you and rebuild our life together. I'm still scared, but ready to put my all into it," I think our responses to you would be different.

But now? It feels like a no-win situation for you. I have a feeling that you might walk away feeling like you don't really want to be with her anymore. Are you looking for justification to stop DBing? I don't think that going on this date at this time will allow you to say you did "everything" you could.

If I knew my H was seeing someone else, I would absolutely not enter into a competition with her for his affection. I would just continue to be the woman (and mother of his child) only a FOOL would walk away from.

Good luck, whatever you decide.


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Originally Posted By: claire7


If I knew my H was seeing someone else, I would absolutely not enter into a competition with her for his affection. I would just continue to be the woman (and mother of his child) only a FOOL would walk away from.



. . . and that's attractive. whistle whistle


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

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If I knew my W was seeing someone, I wouldn't be entering into a competition either. This is exactly what I told her last week. She said she was not dating anyone and that she would be willing to give up OM friendship/contact if that's what I needed to date. Seeing that she asked me out a week later, I'm under the impression that that has occurred. If I decide after a couple dates that I want to continue our R, I will require proof. If we were D and she called up wanting to date, I wouldn't require a full transparency plan from her in order to go on that first date. 10 mos after S, I don't see our current sitch much different.

Maybe I wasn't clear in an earlier post or didn't include it, but WE talked about dating in order to see if we had a future. We left the conversation with the agreement that we both should think about it and then she could call me. She then asked me if I wanted to go out on a date this past weekend.

I refuse to believe that the only way a couple can reconcile is if the WAS gives the 'what do I need to do?' speech. Is it the most effective? Probably.



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Originally Posted By: Tarheel
If I knew my W was seeing someone, I wouldn't be entering into a competition either. This is exactly what I told her last week. She said she was not dating anyone and that she would be willing to give up OM friendship/contact if that's what I needed to date. Seeing that she asked me out a week later, I'm under the impression that that has occurred.



And as everyone -- including people who have SUCCESSFULLY FOUGHT AFFAIRS, AND RECONCILED THEIR MARRIAGES -- has pointed out to you, this is a NAIVE impression, at best.

"I told her" means nothing. I can assure you, she is judging your ACTIONS, Tarheel, not your WORDS.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

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Originally Posted By: Tarheel


I refuse to believe that the only way a couple can reconcile is if the WAS gives the 'what do I need to do?' speech. Is it the most effective? Probably.



You've horribly misrepresented the "method" that people are recommending to you, but setting that aside for a second . . . why would you NOT want to use the most effective method? So you can instead do what FEELS RIGHT or FEELS GOOD to you?

Leading with your feelings, Tar. Leading with your feelings.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

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Tarheel,

You are one deluded dude.

Originally Posted By: Tarheel
If I knew my W was seeing someone, I wouldn't be entering into a competition either.


How would you know? Catching her in the act of IC with the OM??!!

Originally Posted By: Tarheel
This is exactly what I told her last week. She said she was not dating anyone and that she would be willing to give up OM friendship/contact if that's what I needed to date.


Man...don't you see it here at all? If she would be willing to give up OM tells me that she's still in contact with OM. That is the damning statement right there.

Originally Posted By: Tarheel
Seeing that she asked me out a week later, I'm under the impression that that has occurred.


Whoa! WHOA! That is a massive misinterpretation of what's actually taking place on your part. You cannot continue Bo Beeping in complete, utter ignorance of the reality of your sitch which is:

W is still actively involved with the OM and she's continuing to play you with her shell game.

It is as simple as that.

We all are VERY, VERY interested in hearing about your lame-o "date" tonight with W.

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Tarheel,

How are you? Feeling raw? Feeling down? Feeling great?!

What's happening with you? Everything okay with you?

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