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^^^ This is exactly what happened to me.


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

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NewB3 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: MrBond
Right now your W is basically still out the door. The ideal time to save it would have been when SHE asked for counseling last year. With the C session last night, she's just going through the motions but her heart isn't in it. That's how it seems from the conversation you describe. The C was leading her into discussion and it wasn't voluntary from her. She was guarded.

The WAS usually only goes to C to go through the motions. They think that the C will bring their feelings back without understanding that the actually have to DO something for that to happen. Then when they don't "feel" that the feelings are there (after not doing anything) they believe that the M is "dead" and that they don't have feelings for the LBS any more, etc.

That's why you need to be cautious. See how she ACTS and if she is doing the work. Another book and site I would recommend is Project Happily Ever After. You can have her read it as it is from the POV of a WAS who actually did the work as a last ditch effort to save her M.


The work will be done for the 45 minutes at home. I am pretty sure. Isn't that doing something?. However, getting her to read the book/site..... I feel she would take that as trying to change her mind and would not do it. Would that not be a pursuit?
Getting her to say to me " do you want to come back to counseling?" To me last night was huge. He had just gotten her to admit that she got something out of it and that it felt good to at least be moving forward. She wanted to come back if I did.
Although I feel that he was trying to soften her so she can examine this sitch with another POV.

Last edited by NewB3; 07/29/14 08:22 PM.

Me43/WAW43..M 4y..S1 11/S2 4..Bomb2/2014..Dfile 5/2014..Settlement signed 8/20/14..D final 8/29/14
I moved out 10/10/14..WAW got D she wanted. I wanted R. No waiting,just no boundaries in her way.
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So what do I do now? Still 180's. GAL is difficult with small child at home, but I take him with me a lot more. Gives her time alone and gives me more time with just him.
Trying to be very patient and let the C do his job. Just not sure what is best for me right now.


Me43/WAW43..M 4y..S1 11/S2 4..Bomb2/2014..Dfile 5/2014..Settlement signed 8/20/14..D final 8/29/14
I moved out 10/10/14..WAW got D she wanted. I wanted R. No waiting,just no boundaries in her way.
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You're getting all of the advice mixed up between the books, the forum and your C.

"The work will be done for the 45 minutes at home. I am pretty sure. Isn't that doing something?."

You missed the point. If she WANTS to do the work, then that's great. If you sense her being hesitant about it, or that her heart isn't in it, then don't pressure her.

"However, getting her to read the book/site..... I feel she would take that as trying to change her mind and would not do it. Would that not be a pursuit?"

You already got her to go to C. That was pursuing.

"Getting her to say to me " do you want to come back to counseling?" To me last night was huge. He had just gotten her to admit that she got something out of it and that it felt good to at least be moving forward. She wanted to come back if I did."

Are you sure she meant it that way or did she mean "do YOU want to come back to counseling?". She could very well have said it for YOUR benefit and not hers.

"Although I feel that he was trying to soften her so she can examine this sitch with another POV."

That's fine, but you need to just be cautious.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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That was hard to read mr. Bond. I know what she said, as the C repeated what she said and made sure it was understood....as he did to me. I thank you so very much for your input. I will be extra cautious and will work for my family until there is a new R for us OR we part ways. I am focusing on the prior, but working on myself will be done either way, I deserve it.


Me43/WAW43..M 4y..S1 11/S2 4..Bomb2/2014..Dfile 5/2014..Settlement signed 8/20/14..D final 8/29/14
I moved out 10/10/14..WAW got D she wanted. I wanted R. No waiting,just no boundaries in her way.
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Posts: 273
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NewB3 Offline OP
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So other than being very cautious and not overly enthusiastic. What else can I do?


Me43/WAW43..M 4y..S1 11/S2 4..Bomb2/2014..Dfile 5/2014..Settlement signed 8/20/14..D final 8/29/14
I moved out 10/10/14..WAW got D she wanted. I wanted R. No waiting,just no boundaries in her way.
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Be her friend and become a student of your W. Re-learn what her likes and dislikes are. Keep all of the main focus on yourself though.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 273
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NewB3 Offline OP
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Do I validate as she talks? Student of likes and dislikes....do I continue my picking up her favs at the grocery when she is out...w/o asking? Part of my being attentive and noticing her needs/wants. Trying to make sure if she does go..."only a fool would leave."
I have always given compliments...though have cut back with a limit of one a day. Is that okay? I do notice when she gets a pedicure and compliment. She no longer tells me of her errands...spa, nails, etc. as she does those things during week at lunch. The only time she tells me is when it will effect me and my schedule. ALA I need to watch the kids. She still always asks my schedule as I do not volunteer anything.
Can I still be attentive and make sure she gets her self/alone time w/o her asking? Does that help or create a cake and eat it sitch? One of the first things she told me in Feb. after bd was she needs some alone time, needs to get out of the house. Personally I think she does not need to work at home OR move her office from the main family floor to be away from work when she is off.

Is there anything I can read? I have started reading books when in the home, as to be available but not focus on her. Just here for kids. I do still cook a lot....because I used to. Part of my things I used to do smile

Thanks mr. Bond.... I appreciate you being here when I feel stuck or panicked.

Last edited by NewB3; 07/30/14 11:45 PM.

Me43/WAW43..M 4y..S1 11/S2 4..Bomb2/2014..Dfile 5/2014..Settlement signed 8/20/14..D final 8/29/14
I moved out 10/10/14..WAW got D she wanted. I wanted R. No waiting,just no boundaries in her way.
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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Do what you feel like doing.

See what you're going through right now is "analysis paralysis". It's where you play all of these scenarios in your head based on how you THINK she will react. This in turn makes you too afraid to do anything or you start second guessing things.

Just do what you feel like doing as if she were a good friend. If a friend were to talk to you about there problems, I'm sure you would validate them and be friendly. You can slowly start reestablish your communication with her and go from there. Keep things light and not too heavy.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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I feel like continuing the 180's. Detaching, not so sure.... Being a friend, I can do. I will not assume her friendliness is anything more than friends. I will NOT pursue. Thanks for being Mr. bond.


Me43/WAW43..M 4y..S1 11/S2 4..Bomb2/2014..Dfile 5/2014..Settlement signed 8/20/14..D final 8/29/14
I moved out 10/10/14..WAW got D she wanted. I wanted R. No waiting,just no boundaries in her way.
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