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Ok really need some one to answer this! Had a great night with her and the kids! Brought them home and something changed. Don't know what it was? Maybe the kids asking if daddy could spend the night or a stupid little thing like trying to put away her groceries.

Never mind just typing it made me relize it. It was the kids. Because she made a comment about not getting their or my hopes up about us making it work.

How do you stop that?


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
EA/PA OM 1/14 still going
Served 2/14/14
Separated 3/14
D paused 6/14
6/15 divorced
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Any how it was still a fun night!


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
EA/PA OM 1/14 still going
Served 2/14/14
Separated 3/14
D paused 6/14
6/15 divorced
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 300
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3kids Offline OP
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Had a great weekend! Played state baseball tournament for the b12. Took third! The wife ended staying the whole weekend with the kids and me at the hotel (seperate beds). Had a ton of fun! Got tested a couple of times. Think I did a great job. No anger or argueing. At the end of one night we where smoking and she started to get testy. Brought up OM and said as soon as where done smoking she was going to call him. And I said that's fine and good night. Don't care about him! I went to bed and she came in about 10 to 15 minutes later. Quick talk I guess! She never really snuck away to talk all weekend.

At the end of the weekend she said she had fun and thanked me for the weekend. Kids where pretty upset that we had to go back to mom and dad being the way it is.

So after a fun weekend like that spending time with my family. How do you get back to the fact that this [censored]?


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
EA/PA OM 1/14 still going
Served 2/14/14
Separated 3/14
D paused 6/14
6/15 divorced
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Posts: 300
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Reached some of my goals this weekend. Got to spend time with her and the kids and a little time with her. Think I pushed to hard the one night and asked if she would be interested in joining us to go camping. That is when she told me that she was going to call the OM. I don't even know if he is in the picture right now and don't care. I had a goal of buying her dinner. Even if it was as a family and I got to do that all weekend long. I would like to spend more time with just us but that might to big of a goal right now.

This weeks goal is to try and do more stuff for her like mowing the lawn and stuff like that. This might get me to try to spend some time with her. I would also like to take her and the kids to the county fair like we always did as a family. I think this is my in with her spending time with the kids. Trying to always look at the positives but this is very hard. Two weeks ago she would never let me buy her dinner or anything so I think I'm making big steps but don't want to push to hard.

Finding the good spots is very hard!! Any help would be much appreciated!!!!!


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
EA/PA OM 1/14 still going
Served 2/14/14
Separated 3/14
D paused 6/14
6/15 divorced
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I'll have to catch up on your thread. Glad you talked to DB coach. Can you share any the advice you were given?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Thanks Sandi!!!

Well he told me to GAL. Witch I have already done and I'm am very happy with it right now. Treat her like she's my sister. He said it's was good that she is already testing me. I have anger issues, short fuse. And I have really tried to control that. Done very good with her on that. Very calm in every aspect. Be the person that she fell in love with. Loving detach...hard but working on it. Don't argue! Work on just being there for her and being her friend.


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
EA/PA OM 1/14 still going
Served 2/14/14
Separated 3/14
D paused 6/14
6/15 divorced
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 300
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Well picked up the kids yesterday and boy was she in a bad mood! Turns out she might not be able to get into the nurse program. Long story short she stopped paying the health coverage on the whole family. So no one has health coverage. So I offered to see what I could do and find us all some coverage (part of me I lost by not sticking up for what she wanted in life was a big problem, always what I wanted not her). So I found some and let her know of that I would cover it for the whole family. Because she can't afford it. But she never called me back after I texted her that. And she said she would. She's never done that.

I did ask her before that if she was interested in going to the county fair as a family. But I'm learning it's how I ask it. She has to be in control. So I stated I plan on taking the kids if your not going to. If you would like to join us I can flip around some stuff so it's on your day off with the kids. And take the whole family. She stated she doesn't have any money for that. I said I can pay for it don't worry. I said just think about it and let me know. If she doesn't I guess me and the kids will have a blast with out her.


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
EA/PA OM 1/14 still going
Served 2/14/14
Separated 3/14
D paused 6/14
6/15 divorced
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She's told you she doesn't want to work on the M, right? You will have to remind yourself that she's not the girl you married. She doesn't have the those feelings now. She has no interest in things she may have once done. I think you will have some rough days ahead.

One thing you need to realize upfront is that everything that comes out of the H's mouth is pressure to the WAW. I'm telling you how she sees it. You can't please her enough, compromise enough, do enough housework, give her enough money, or let her have her way enough that will win her back into the R. But there is something you can do.

If you aren't sure about your personal boundaries, and those of the marriage, you need to give it serious thought. Boundaries are not used in order to control the other person, but to protect yourself from them. So think about what you would absolutely not live without. Then think of what you couldn't possibly tolerate, no matter who they are. And don't say things like, "I couldn't live without my wife". I am talking about principles, values, behavior treatment, etc. I believe those things will be tested in the weeks to come. There may come a point that stating a boundary will be necessary. You may think she already knows, but a WAW in an EA/PA is fogged out of her mind, so she may need to hear you say the words. But don't go reading an entire list off to her. She would only resent it. But stating one boundary at the appropriate time, will have better "thought" affect on her.

Ask yourself if you think your W really respects you the way she did on the wedding day. Does her attitude show a lack of respect? What about her tone of voice, facial expressions, and talking in front of your children? Right now, she isn't feeling respect for you as her H. And, that affects a woman in ways you may not realize. She can't feel attracted to you as a man, if she doesn't respect you as her H. So, if she shows disrespectful behavior toward you (especially in front of your children and other people), stop it right then.

What have you been like since marriage? Could you be considered passive? A Mr. Nice Guy? Tend to let her make the decisions, b/c it's just easier to deal with her that way? Ever feel more like a doormat than a leader? Or.....maybe you tend to want to run such a tight ship that you get overbearing. You come across as controlling, and she feels she has to give an account to you.

Either way is not good. So, figure out what you need to fix about yourself. Not her....just you. Find the guy you use to be, or improve him. Set yourself personal goals that will keep you focused on your 180's.

You won't be able to control her or fix her. You can only fix your part of the problem. Don't tell her about it, just do it. At this time, don't try to discuss the relationship, b/c talking does nothing but make matters worse. It is action that counts. She doesn't want to hear preaching or lecturing from anyone.

You should not condone her EA or bad behavior. It's important to pick your battles (as MWD says), but at the same time, be consistent in what you stand for and believe. Stand tall, as the man in your family. You are the head and your kids are watching, and learning. Be lovingly detached and firm. Do you know what I mean by that?

Don't act as if you're in a "mood" or mad. Get a life that does not include her. Make plans for you and the kids. If she can go, okay. If she can't, okay. Don't knock yourself out working everyone around her schedule. Staying busy and showing that you are calm and pleased with yourself, and relatively happy (considering everything)and it will work much better for you.

Think of her as an elderly woman who is renting a room at your place. Be nice, polite, & mannerly. But forget about anything romantic. Don't try to get chummy. And, if she starts asking you a lot of questions about where you're going, who with, etc., think of her as nosy elderly lady. smile Never lie to her, but you can always just look at her with a grin. Wave goodbye and leave. Some good answers are "haven't decided yet" and "not sure right now". If you don't have plans and are just leaving the house and she asks questions, you may decide to go to the mall. Then say "thought I look around in the mall" but don't give details. "I'm going to get ice cream", but only if it's true. This is not to be deceptive, but to cause her to wonder about what you are doing, what you are thinking about, what's gotten into you, etc. It gets her attention focused on the fact that you might actually be happy without her! And, when it comes to a WAW.....that's a good thing!


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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For added support, I am attaching the link on proper validation techniques here: Validation: Cheat Sheet


Good luck! smile

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Quote:
Why would she keep asking me if I had a girlfriend?


Simple. She wants assurance that you aren't interested in anyone else. But don't tell her you will never date, or never love anyone but her, etc. The WAW in an A doesn't want her H, but she doesn't anyone else having him, either! So, just don't give her the satisfaction of thinking she can keep you tied to her while she messes around with OM. KWIM?

Quote:
So after a fun weekend like that spending time with my family. How do you get back to the fact that this [censored]?


By not making more out of it than it was. She is going to want to cake eat (times with family, you as a friend, using your availability when it's convenient for her, using your "help" to move heavy objects or work on the house, etc.). If that's what you "want" to do, fine. But don't start letting your mind start analyzing those times together and misread it to mean she wants to get back together. You will set yourself up for disappointment.

She couldn't get through the weekend with her H and kids without getting her "fix" from the OM. And....she is addicted, just as sure as she's addicted to those cigarettes. That's why a WAW in an A is more complicated than one who doesn't have OP in her head. Even if she decided she wanted to stay in the M, she would have a hard time staying away from OM. But, it can be done. I did it.

You've got to stop pushing her. Stop making it a goal to spend more time with her b/c it just causes you to pursue her. See how she backs away when you do this? Just b/c she went along once, don't expect more. She'll be scared to even look at you, afraid you'll try to get her to do something else.

My advice may sound different from your coach, IDK. I believe the LBH needs to pull back from his WAW, at least for a time. Pursuing her is not a good thing. Being less available is better for now. She needs to miss being with you. If you take her along to all these events you've mentioned, she gets the best of both worlds. She gets her fix with contacting OM, and she gets you with family time. See what I mean? Just think about it, okay?

It's good she sees changes in you. Keep up with that good work. A lot of LBH's try too hard to "do" something, when he needs to just leave her alone.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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