Train - if you ever have the time to read through my sitch id appreciate it. It's kind of long and a mess! I have received tons of great advice already but I have read through your threads and really liked your stance to your H.
She hasn't come back to me saying she wants to make this work, only that she wants to give dating a try to see how we feel towards each other/interact.
And that alone should tell she's not ready and/or serious. How many other stories have you read of WAW's saying similar things when they have OM?
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I think that we're still too early for her to feel she has to prove anything to me.
Then she isn't motivated to work on a M with you.
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If we were dating in order to rebuild a new R, I would totally agree with you.
OMG ! Listen to yourself. You are trying to make yourself believe the cr@p she's fed you.
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I wouldn't date anyone as long as they're involved with someone else.
This is exactly what I told W last week and now she's asking me out. So prior to Wed, should I ask her what the current status is as far as contact? Something along the lines of 'W, I would enjoy going out with you Wed night, but as I mentioned last week, will not do so if you are still in contact with OM. Are you able to prove to me that your friendship is over?'
With all she has done to you and now you have a problem asking her about where she stands with OM before you date her??? I think you already know in your heart. You are deceiving yourself.
I'm tired of trying to get you to see what is staring you in the face. You are not thinking with the right head! You are looking for some loophole for dating her. Instead of her learning hard lessons....it seems it will be you getting the hard knocks, instead.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
If she WANTS to date you, she knows what you've at least TOLD her would be the one prerequisite. If she is committed to wanting to date you even one time, she'd likely say something like: "Hey, Tarheel, I think I'd like for us to date. And I know you said that I'd need to end things with OM for that to happen. Just wanted to let you know I have."
And then a strong Tarheel with conviction would say: "Dang, Mrs. Tarheel. That's awesome. I'd like that, too. But I need proof. In the form of a no-contact letter. And, oh, there's this transparency plan ..."
Tarheel, all I can use is my own experience. My H sent me a text at midnight one night that said: "Just wanted you to know I just ended things with OW. I told her I don't have time for a relationship right now. But just between us, I need the time to clear my head to find out how, and to what extent, I'm going to repair my relationship with you and the kids."
A day later? He was telling her he wanted to be with his wife again.
So, yes. The burden of proof is SQUARELY on Mrs. Tarheel right now.
You've shown her your changes, right? What's a date going to prove? Do you think you need to show her MORE changes? Are you thinking that's the answer? That that's gonna tip her over the edge?
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
You've shown her your changes, right? What's a date going to prove? Do you think you need to show her MORE changes? Are you thinking that's the answer? That that's gonna tip her over the edge?
To be honest, I don't know that she has seen my changes. Her main complaints about me are that I'm not adventurous, I'm not outgoing, I don't like to try new things....Besides last week's dinner together, we've had very little social interactions that would allow me to show my changes these past 10 mos. So I guess, yea, I am thinking a date gives me that opportunity. Probably flawed thinking but maybe an interaction like this makes her feel like our M would be different and convinces her to take the action you described from your H.
All of you have given me a lot to think about and I truly value your advice. Even if I decide to go on Wed without addressing OM, I want to be clear that OM contact would be addressed soon if W and I make date #2 or 3.
I totally agree. You need to stand strong and be confident in your changes without taking her on a 'date' to show her. Let your changes radiate from you. Don't you think it'd be a 180 to decline the date until OM is out of the picture for sure? I still think that you need your wife to respect you. She wants the MAN she married - not the man that is afraid to upset her. I know we talk about not scaring the WAS off but I believe this is different. Show her what you will and won't tolerate. She will respect you more in the long run. Right now she is poking around to test the waters
All of you have given me a lot to think about and I truly value your advice. Even if I decide to go on Wed without addressing OM, I want to be clear that OM contact would be addressed soon if W and I make date #2 or 3.
What's the matter with you, Mr. Wet Noddle??!!
Sandi, a former WAW with XOM has chimed in with her perspective...
Starsky, a LBSH with a W who had XOM chimed in with his perspective....
Train, a LBS whose H had an XOW chimed in with her perspective...
They all gave the same advice and their marriages are all restored. If I were you, I'd listen and take their advice NOT to go on even 1 lame-o date with W.
Sandi, a former WAW with XOM has chimed in with her perspective...
Starsky, a LBSH with a W who had XOM chimed in with his perspective....
Train, a LBS whose H had an XOW chimed in with her perspective...
They all gave the same advice and their marriages are all restored. If I were you, I'd listen and take their advice NOT to go on even 1 lame-o date with W.
Wow, this might as well have been directed at me. H and I are about to separate and I was pushing for dates between us without the kids. But he still has an OW. What was I thinking? Actually, I know what I was thinking, that it's really scary to let go. But I need to.....
Well, as of now, I'm still planning on going forward with tomorrow's 'date'.
I know that I've been advised by several of the wisest vets on here not to go forward with it, but I really feel that it's the right thing to do (for ME) at this point (I know DBing is usually the opposite of what you feel is right). I can't begin to express my gratitude to each one of you for getting me to this point and I really hope you'll stick with me as my sitch continues, even though I'm going against your better judgement. Does this feel like a rebellious teenager going against their parent's advice?
Maybe I've done a poor job of documenting my current sitch, stressed the OM/W relationship too much on here, or just blind to the facts, but I really do feel that this is W's way of testing the waters on if a new M between us would be better than the old M. And to be honest, I feel the same way about tomorrow- am I able to get over the anger/hurt/resentment? Am I able to envision any type of future with this person or have I moved on? I may never know if I don't have these type of interactions with her...
These past couple most I've realized that my desire to DB is starting to wane and am not satisfied continuing to 'wait' on a decision from W much longer. I have to make decisions for myself. I've GAL'ed, I've been patient, I've given W space/time. I feel great about my changes and the leader I've been for my family/kids. I'm good with moving on with or without W at this point and feel myself ready to put this chapter behind me (one way or the other).
So my plan- go out tomorrow, treat it like a 1st date with someone I've just met and enjoy the company. Should we decide to go out again, I WILL address OM contact, trust me on that. If we don't decide to continue and instead decide to D, I can look back and truly feel that I did everything I could without regrets.
