TL, Thank you for the encouragement. I hadn't heard of that book, but I'll be picking it up. I like the roadmap to healing idea.
God is faithfully by my side and I pray several times each day. I have always had a relationship with God, but much closer recently. He uses our pain to bring us toward Him.
It has gotten better already. Not easy, for sure. But better.
M44, H44, both M before M4 yrs, T6 BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me H att suicide 2/14 S 4/14 OW disc 5/14 D final 4/15
180, held off responding to text. I did something different. Usually, I would "mind-read" and offer stuff I was never asked, based on my assumptions. I waited, and realized my instinctive answer was not anything he actually asked me. # 1. "No showings. I guess price too high." And #2. "Busy?"
I finally responded "What's up?"
H: "The price is too high." (H decided to repeat previous text)
....crickets.
H: "Thoughts?"
Me: "it sounds like (realtor) advises to give it another week."
H: " yeah, I just gave him crap bc blah blah blah....."
.....crickets.
Then he said "after a week, how about (dollar amount)?
Me: "I'm fine with that."
What I stopped myself from doing: Asking follow up questions in an effort to keep him chatting Answering impulsively and immediately Answering questions I wasn't asked
This may sound small, but it felt big.
Then, hours later, and for the first time in a month, H texted D13. (She is the only one he contacts). It was a pic of the dog, and "how are you doing?" She was surprised.
H asked if they went to (other state) to visit their dad. He seems fixated on this topic because he has asked several times in past months. Or he just forgot.
They didn't go, and they haven't for years. Xh comes here now, so kids can be near friends, stay in activities, work.... This isn't new. Xh was here for S17x2 graduation already.
Oh well. Doesn't matter, I suppose. Just documenting a change, for the most part.
M44, H44, both M before M4 yrs, T6 BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me H att suicide 2/14 S 4/14 OW disc 5/14 D final 4/15
H asked if they went to (other state) to visit their dad. He seems fixated on this topic because he has asked several times in past months. Or he just forgot.
He just forgot. You'll see this a lot. Sometimes you'll have whole conversations with the WAS and a week later, they'll ask you the same thing as if you never spoke.
Shining. Just finished reading your sitch. Your attitude and sense of humor will be big benefits as you continue on your journey. I am glad to see you have already turned your focus to you.
That is great how you thought about the texting today. Yes it was a small step but that is what the journey is made of. We have years of patterns of interaction ingrained. It takes time to learn a "better" way to do things.
Keep it up!
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
Thanks, JG. I'm certainly trying. Humor is the new denial:)
H texted D13 again this evening. Earlier, H was asking about whether she would be going to (other state) to see her dad.
D13 answered no, and added, "why do you ask?"
H didn't reply until tonight, "because I didn't know if you are ok with that."
Would he really even care to know this? H has never even met xh.
H's D-Dad lived in another state when H was growing up, and from age 5-17, H and brothers spent summers with him.
Is this a possible childhood issue he's re-enacting or working through, or are MLCers in DEEEEEEEP REEEEEEEPLAAAAYYY not really thinking much at all, and I'm over analyzing? OUCH. ok. got it.
Strange thing, tho, since H doesn't usually text us during non-work hours. 8:30pm is typically OW time.
Shining, as I said, I like your style. You are a quick study with a sense of humor. My kinda girl.
So, may I ask how you know that the OW has replaced you in everyway and is there every night?
Here's my thought on OWs or OMs. They dont matter. Not one bit. They should not take up any headspace at all. They are a symptom of a problem with huge problems of their own.
I wanted to talk about reading of books. As I wrote to you, knowledge is power. It does help to know what you are dealing with. It also helps to get books to help you figure out yourself. Just be careful not to get yourself crazy with it all.
The way I went about figuring stuff out was I looked at what my h said. Picked out what had validity. Then I was brutally honest with how I saw myself. Wrote down the good stuff and the not so good stuff. I looked at people I admired. I figured out what characteristics and attributes they had that I found attractive.
Through the dbing process, I worked really hard to dig in and work on myself. It was tough. I had to look at some really hard things. But, no pain, no gain, right?
You mentioned that you feel uncomfortable when someone else is uncomfortable. What does it feel like exactly? What would happen if you let them feel what they feel?
I want to just say a little about MLC. This crisis was destined to happen. There was nothing anyone could do to stop it.
You said you think his breaking point was when the kids left. Most MLC's are rooted in a childhood trauma, event or unresolved issues. MLCers usually do not have good coping skills. So that when there is an event in adulthood, they are unable to handle it. They are demons they have to slay. Much as we hate if for them, they have to do it alone.
I'm just catching up on your sitch and you get this. I'm sorry you have large pores. Can I interest you in some Biore strips????:) I'm glad the Kml shared her fault of heavy walking. I eat tacos wrong and bought groceries on sale. All kidding aside, this is the best place to be for this. Wonderful, honest, caring people here for support and just listening to the venting and the good stuff in your life.
You've gotten great advice. Admittedly, I don't communicate with my h much other than text. However, I've found that if I do, I keep it very simple and short. Even then, he gets frustrated. I just try to keep it brief, pleasant and I don't engage in the crazy anymore.
Hang in there!
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
