Another update. I was stressing myself out and over thinking pretty much every interaction. Was I validating enough? Did I do this? Did I to that right? I just couldn't stop.
When she said no two days ago. It broke me. I always feel worse after yelling. Always. I just need to learn to let go. I am angry and resentful, but every day I do get better. Just that one no set me off. I guess that is why they say to not pursue. Because rejection is never good for anyone. Acceptance is.
She has a list of things that she things I did wrong. She thinks I won't get out of the military, so I promised to get out of the military. She thinks I am addicted to sex, so I am getting help for that. Now, a lot of these things I am doing for me, not for her, but either way, she says these are the reasons and then when I address them, she doesn't budge.
I get that I need to show consistency. But those reasons don't seem to be the real reason. She always says, "too little, too late" and I want "more" in life and you are not "more".
I'm going to give you my 2 cents. I see a lot of how I reacted to my WAW wife after she got cold feet during our reconnecting phase. I was resentful, threw the blame game, sent text after text about how wrong she was. A day after telling her how wrong she was, I'd send her a text telling her how much I loved her. It was a vicious and never ending cycle for 2 months and it caused more harm than good. Nothing about me in her eyes was attractive and I cannot blame her.
I was like you initially thinking that detaching was like moving on, but it really isn't. Detaching is basically admitting that you can only control you and not the other person. Letting go of the emotional pull that your spouse has and just live your life. You are doing it for you. You are getting a life for you. You are becoming more attractive for you. Let's face it, there is no guarantee that any of this is going to bring you and your spouse back together. But it will kickstart the process of you learning to live to be more independent and less co-dependent to your spouse.
Read the 37 rules. At first, I thought I was doing them to just win my WAW back, but a week in, I notice how much more at peace I am. While my preference is to remain married, there are no expectations, and I need to be better for whatever direction this goes in.
Commit to the 37 rules and give it a week and write down the progress that you see in yourself and your spouse's interactions with you. One week ago, my spouse was cold as ice towards me. Now she is several degrees warmer. Do stuff, have fun, enjoy the free time that you may not have had. Trust me, you'll be better for it.
Thanks again for the help. I can tell I am getting better. A month ago I could not focus at all at work, really get pleasure out of anything, etc. But now I have things to do every night that I enjoy and keep me busy. I can have fun and enjoy myself.
When I start to think a negative emotion toward my wife, I can stop MUCH faster now.
My only problem has been the weekends. I don't have much to do and I am by myself. I only have a few weekends left to manage before the kids get back and then I can plan things to do with them. That should help. But I can only go to Church for so long on the weekends and my friends only want to go to dinner, etc.
I am going on a business trip this weekend so that should help as well.
I reread my texts and they were bad, but not as bad as I thought. Still pursuing, etc. But I felt a lot worse than what came out on text. So that is a positive.
Second, she keeps contacting me. I know it is hard to not do when we have a ton of stuff to work out. But it has not been three days since we talk. And there is nothing to talk about. She is in Geneva for the next three weeks. We don't have to do anything or talk about anything until she gets back.
It seems like she makes up stuff to talk to me about. First it was the dog, two weeks before I leave on a trip, she asks where is the dog going to go and where am I going to sleep when she gets back. Again, questions that she shouldn't ask because they don't matter. Then, just today, she says she is deleting the joint skype account. Why? Why now? Why not three weeks ago? Or three months ago? Or wait until she gets back? It just seems like she is just making up stuff to talk to me about.
Either way though, detach. I would like to know if you all believe she is or not because I am a psych major and I just obsess over the way people think.
You are all right. I know that you are all right. I was 100% in the wrong for blowing up at her.
I did need to do that though. For some strange reason. I needed to know that she was truly out. So that I could detach. I thought I was at that place, but I guess I wasn't.
What bothers me about this forum. Is that detaching is hard when you want to still be married. Of course I would like to be married. But detaching, to me, is accepting that we won't be married. And then acting like it. So I have to move on with my life and make myself better. Either way.
I also realized that I was addicted to her. Addicted to the feeling that she gave me. Placed her in front of God. Made her into my God. I have to stop that and I have been working for a while to stop that. Place God first in my life and then everything else will be okay outside of that.
Thanks for the patients. She is not talking to me at all now (obviously), but that is probably for the best. I cannot control my addiction to her yet so I need time away to focus on God.
Marshal , take it from me, the one thing that you need if you can afford it is to fix yourself BIGTIME!
Can you get to an IC that works on anger management issues? I would do that plus use a DB coach if you want to try and save your M.
But even if you end up divorced, you need to fix yourself before you get into another relationship.
I had a lot of fixing myself and I have done pretty good. My IC says my WAW has noticed and it keeps causing her conflict...if I can do it anybody CAN!
Don't go down that road. Mind reading, trying to recalculate your chances, hanging on her every move. How would whats going through her head change what you are doing for you? live in the present, make healthy choices, enjoy what you have, let the future come as it may.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Yeah, I am a psych major so it just comes naturally to me to do that. I do need to get out of my own head.
I sometimes think that I am not getting the whole picture from her. If I could just gain some insight to her thought process, then I would know what to do to counter it. That why I try...to really make sure my 180s are right. To make sure I am doing the right thing.
Yes, we all wish we had magic windows into our spouses' heads. That's why 180s and DBing are for yourself. Because if you try to guess at what's going on with the other person you're never to be truly changed by this experience and you're setting yourself up for future failure.
If you are being honest about your areas of weakness, then you're doing the right thing. What your W thinks are the things that made her leave might be, or they might just be what she can put her finger on now.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
