Well, JMO, but I don't know that you should push that button just yet. It can wait a few more days. B/c it will make her very angry, for sure! And if the two of you have just started communicating, it could throw a monkey wrench into things. Yes, it is a popular piece of advice, and I agree with it in some cases. But every couple's stitch is a little different. We need more information and you need to read Divorce Remedy before making bold moves like that. At least, for the time being. It can wait till you've read the book.
I mainly agree with that move when the H has had passive behavior. When he acts like her doormat instead of a strong leader in the home. And I don't think it's good having a teenage son seeing dad sleeping in the basement. But, maybe your basement is nicer than most bedrooms, IDK. However, it sure seems like a demoted position, doesn't it? Did you say she ordered you to get out of the bedroom, or you agreed?
The second reason for me saying to wait a little longer, is b/c you both say you've been controlling in the MR. She will definitely see this as more controlling if you barge in and get in bed without any discussion. However, getting DB coaching would be the best advice to get.
I would say to show that you are trying to meet her in the road as long as she seems sincere in wanting to try.....and you can see her trying. It's a delicate balance in knowing how much, etc. I, again, can't stress enough how important it is to get the DR information. You can read the first chapters to MWD's books here on the board. I hope you will call now to get a schedule set for coaching. And you may want to see about Michele's intensive coaching session with both you and wife (if W is willing).
Something has been developing for a long time. She is an unhappy lady. I see some positive in her approaching you and asking how or what to do. She admits she is very confused. Now, it doesn't always mean she's willing to work on the M, but didn't she say she would? That's better than some!
I hope you will post every chance you get. Others will eventually start responding.
Last edited by sandi2; 07/26/1410:42 PM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi, I have been sticking to the bedroom in basement as it is remodeled to give her room and space... The other posts just confused me. I think she would do intensive counseling together. Guess I need to call and set up sessions. Do I ask her if she wants to proceed with that?
I would pick a good time. Tell her MWD comes highly recommended, by what you've read. Ask her if she would agree to seeing Michele with you. If so, then call ASAP for an appointment. Then follow-up phone sessions with coaches would be good for just you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Had a long discussion tonight about the R with W. She told me that it has been half our M that has been bad and that she has not been happy for over ten years. I had picked up DR book this morning and read up to the part of doing 180 and detaching if W has separated with me.. We talked for an hour plus and I asked her to contact Michelle or one of counsels and she agreed to do it tomorrow.. I am sending virginia an email tonite to schedule.. Wish us luck.
She told me that it has been half our M that has been bad and that she has not been happy for over ten years.
Hi JW. My W told me the exact same thing in March. In my case, I do not think it was true, but I do not know if you can see at this point in your sitch whether it is true or not. Just be careful, and remember this could be a lie she is telling herself to justify her actions. Good luck.
Wet, I agree and look at the rules of don't believe what you hear or see.. Frankly, if it was that early if I failed her, I just want to fix myself and make her see that I will be better in our new marriage. I look forward to her talking with Micelle and working on our M. I will do what ever I need to do be a better husband and father and keep my family together.
Had my first coaching session last night with a DB coach. It went really well. My W is actually going to be talking to the coach this week too and is open to working on the M and moving forward. We spent a few hours together last night and W is in a very good mood. I am still sticking to the 37 rules Sandi and it seems like it is turning.. Not as sad as I was and when you start concentrating on yourself and your own happiness, it really does feel good. The detaching is definitely the hardest part. I told DB Coach that it is like you are drowning and someone tells you to drink a glass of water - VERY Unnatural but it works. Thanks DB support group.
Updates: I did DB coaching session beginning of the week and W also did session Thursday with same coach. We talk more everyday but she is still cold. Went on a date last night after coach said I should ask her out. Just got some pizza at a shop as it is her favorite and came home in an hour and she went right to bed as she had to work at 5 am. Went to a family reunion today wit W and S about 2 hrs away. Had a nice time but W still acting cold when we got home. She slept whole way home and didn't say a word.. Maybe just tired.. Again went right to bed as she has to work forced overtime tomorrow. I just said sleep well and she said goodnight and went in bedroom and shut the door.
Guess my question is tomorrow I was thinking of going to a race in NJ with my D who loves racing. Problem is one of the complaints W has had in past is I do what I like to do and don't think of her,, so the struggle I have is if I GAL and go to race with daughter and detach from W am I just pissing her off cause I am doing what I love ( racing)? Or do I do a 180 which is not go racing and spend time with her when she gets home .. Detach and do what pissed her off before, or try resolving and not detaching as hard.... REALLY CONFUSED
I can... But being with her 25 years I would expect her to say do what ever you want.. Then hold a grudge against me for going.. Seems to have been the pattern as I look back and reflect. In therapy she has admitted to being an enabler for things I have done to wrong her
