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dawgy #2473706 07/29/14 04:40 PM
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Dawgy - this is great advice. And it will be hard, but honestly I think you'll feel better when you're standing strong (even if it's sending her away, which I know you don't want to do).

Are you seeing a therapist OR can you get to a dr.? It might be good for you to get some anti-anxiety meds - just for now. The anxiety is definitely something that is tough to deal with.

If you do some behavioral therapy stuff along with the anti-anxiety meds, you will probably feel better. Allow yourself SOME time to feel bad (that's normal) - like blast Seether's "Words as Weapons" and sing along with it as loud as you can whilst crying (just a suggestion). Then - you're done! Add some stuff to the gratitude journal (3 or 4 things that day that you're grateful for. Like - the kids are healthy, the weather has been stunningly beautiful this summer, fresh tomatoes are in season and delicious....it doesn't have to be earth shattering) and do something for yourself. These things take PRACTICE.

I think you're in the habit of feeling badly these days. I get it. I was, too. I'm making it a habit to feel better. Takes practice. Totally possible.

dawgy #2473719 07/29/14 04:59 PM
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Originally Posted By: dawgy
Thank you Starsky for your words of wisdom . I need to be able to beat this anxiety and depressive feelings so I can concentrate on making rational decisions . The problem with the anxiety is I'm allowing it to make me its making me too emotional to handle this



There. Fixed it for you. ^^^ smirk


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Yes indeed . I just feel like its so much easier to not fight . But I know if I want things to go in my favor I have to fight it and fight for what i want , just gotta be smart about it . But I can see now I need alot of support and help from others


Me 45 W 45
Son 16 Son 14
Married 23 together 27
W threatened sep several times
W still at home
A discovered Mar 17 2014
A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
dawgy #2473753 07/29/14 05:58 PM
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Starsky , I really appreciate your wisdom . is ther anything specific i could do at this point that might make her realize staying in her home with her family is much better than leaving . I told her the other night before she left that leaving wasnt going to make her happier , it would make it alot worse but she had her mind made up


Me 45 W 45
Son 16 Son 14
Married 23 together 27
W threatened sep several times
W still at home
A discovered Mar 17 2014
A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
dawgy #2473758 07/29/14 06:10 PM
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You can influence the WHAT, but you can't influence the WHEN, dawg.

You influence her decision by being THE best man, fully confident in himself and interested in (even passionate about) his life, and who is the absolute best father he can be to her children. That's the "what" part.

But the "when?" This is HER journey, and she will come around if and when she decides that the lure of you and her home is stronger than the lure of her affair. YOU CANNOT CONTROL it, and as a man I found that extremely terrifying.

Still, I DID accept it, I DID press on, and you can too. But no, there are no magic bullets here, dawgy, but I suppose you already knew that.


Starsky

Last edited by Starsky309; 07/29/14 06:10 PM.

M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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I would do anything to keep her from leaving and her boys finding out about all this . I cant bear the thought of them being hurt in this magnitude . I scares the hell out of me knowing she is seriously contemplating devastating her own children the same a she has done to me . I can see and feel the pain that she has put me through but i cant believe she would do that to her own flesh and blood


Me 45 W 45
Son 16 Son 14
Married 23 together 27
W threatened sep several times
W still at home
A discovered Mar 17 2014
A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
dawgy #2473778 07/29/14 06:51 PM
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"I would do anything to keep her from leaving and her boys finding out about all this ."

That's all control. You can't control that. You can't chain her down and tell her not to leave.

"I scares the hell out of me knowing she is seriously contemplating devastating her own children the same a she has done to me . I can see and feel the pain that she has put me through but i cant believe she would do that to her own flesh and blood"

One very important thing to understand is that she doesn't think she is hurting the kids. She thinks that what she is doing is going to help them in the long run because she will be happy.

You may not agree but it is what she believes. Can she be influenced to change he mind down the line? Maybe. But that is up to her. You have to let go of trying to control the situation.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
MrBond #2473779 07/29/14 07:02 PM
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Ok , I gotta calm down . Ive been a mess all day . Its like i cant help myself but dwell on the situation all day . When i get home from work its better because I get to be with my family . The days at work are long . When we are really busy its alot better . But I cant count on being busy everyday so i have to rely on online chats and help


Me 45 W 45
Son 16 Son 14
Married 23 together 27
W threatened sep several times
W still at home
A discovered Mar 17 2014
A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
dawgy #2474016 07/30/14 11:32 AM
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I know im not supposed to mind read but it is difficult . Im feeling wiped of energy today after a full day of major anxiety yesterday . I had detachment down pretty good for a short time but since she left a week ago and came back a few days later ive been a complete mess . It feels like she has total control after doing that . Maybe thats why she did it to gain control .If thats the reason then it worked . I gotta get a hold of myself and get to the point of acceptance . If it wasnt for the kids i could do this , but my total fear of hurting them has got me shaking in my boots . I gotta man up and figure out how to save my kids from the pain and make everything alright


Me 45 W 45
Son 16 Son 14
Married 23 together 27
W threatened sep several times
W still at home
A discovered Mar 17 2014
A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
dawgy #2474032 07/30/14 12:17 PM
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You have to remember who you have control of...YOU. Only YOU. To save yourself and your kids pain while she is flopping like a fish out of water, she must leave. You state the boundary, she won't agree to it, so she must find another place to live.

If you think you will somehow get her to see your point of view, you are mistaken. She sees you as someone that is keeping her from what she wants. If she stays and goes as she plans, she will be ripping your family into even smaller pieces. If you think you are a mess now, it will be 10 times worse when she leaves again and again. Find the strength for yourself and for your kids.

Kat


Me-53(and learning!)
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Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
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