Don't misunderstand. I'm not saying beat yourself up. You're grieving and some depression is part of that...just be clear what is actually the grief and what is misplaced anger directed at yourself or the situation. It's second nature for me to direct my anger back at myself and that's a no win for anyone.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Stop just going over and over in their heads just how "wronged" they have been or how "bad" their life is.
The sooner you follow your own advice, the sooner you will be fully there for your daughters. Heather is absolutely right, and this is a habit of yours, IMO....
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Matt, I don't know how you do it. I'm so sorry for all you are going through.
She sounds a lot like my H. It's like they have completely snapped, and become an entirely different person. If we met them like they are now, we never would have given them time of day, much less married them.
I am dealing with teens, too, but H is their step-father. It has to be so much more personal for the girls to witness this stuff from their own mother. The abandonment, rejection, deceit, selfishness. All from the one who is supposed to be forever nurturing and caring. That has to hurt.
They may fear that this is how they will become, since they are half-mom. My S17 used to talk about my xh (his dad) and how afraid he was that he would be the same. He dealt with that for years in counseling. He knows now that he has the power to choose differently.
Kids, even teens, feel so powerless. They watch and they're scared. They shut down or act out because they don't know what to do. This crisis is our opportunity to lead and teach.
I used to talk about my H waaaaayy too much in front of them because I was angry. I realized it was hurting my kids, not so much the negativity about H in my case, but that I seemed to be overly concerned with someone who was gone, and to them I was not enough concerned with what they needed.
When I stopped talking about H or how I was feeling that day, and started to focus more on them and what they were doing in their lives (NOT related to crisis, hurt feelings, their mood) it seemed to change the environment. They seem to open up more when it isn't the first thing or the biggest thing in the day.
They had to see that I valued them more than the one who betrayed me.
M44, H44, both M before M4 yrs, T6 BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me H att suicide 2/14 S 4/14 OW disc 5/14 D final 4/15
Thanks AJ, You know it seems like the medical profession is so full of both men and women who, as soon as they are done with school and residency, up and leave the person that stuck by them while they really needed someone there for them! Maybe something to do with the personality of people who become MD's? Somehow more prone to having MLC's?
Sunday my W threw in a dig about the fact that when she wasn't working money was tight, like it was some kind of failure on my part as a "man" that I should have made more money. Didn't mention we were paying $16,000 a year in tuition for the kid's school, not to mention uniforms, books, house and car payments, etc. Then when I said if that was how she felt she could have gone back to work. SPIN! "OH, YOU WANT TO GO THERE, HUH?". What she said was an obvious insult, what I said was just an observation with zero judgement but of course, I was the "bad guy".
You are so right about what I should have expected. Funny I had been hoping she would just stick with what she and I agreed on her taking when she called the night before. The clock wasn't part of it. I guess I had hoped she would just not try and push things...see what happens when we have "expectations" of our S's? You are right about the anger as well. Maybe she was upset when she came back because I was so reasonable the whole day, letting her keep almost anything she said she wanted. I'm sure my being happy and reasonable in front of her friend wasn't jibing with what she has been saying about me. She couldn't allow the chance to make me look bad in front of someone she wants to be on her "side" so badly? (mind reading, I know)
Thanks AJ (and Heather and TL, as well). I'm starting to pull back a bit. Kind of cathartic to get it out. Now all I have to do is call my lawyer back and see what I need to do now (was avoiding that a bit earlier!).
You're right T2, I think Heather's 2x4 was good in that it helped me see this really clearly for the first time. I didn't see the anger as wallowing but it's just the same thing in a different guise. I do believe staying away from W at this point is the best thing. She is just so caught up in getting everything SHE wants from the house but of course doesn't want to do the work or pay the $ to her lawyer to make up a list and come to agreement on all the other things like who gets the house, how to split her retirement funds, custody and visitation schedule, etc.
The weird thing was during the day she was saying things like "Do you want me to keep your X-mass stocking in the cedar chest. It's wool and it will keep it from getting moth eaten." She said the same about some other things like she expects to have enough of a relationship that some of my stuff and her stuff would be mixed together. Then she pulls the freak out. Lulled me into a sense that she was going to be reasonable and appreciated that i was being so cooperative. Not sure but that occured to me later. I'm still not used to this new vindictive person she's become. She used to not have a vindictive bone in her body.
Hi Shining, I have had to check myself from talking about mom in front of the kids. Back before my W left, she wanted to believe that the kids had no idea that anything was wrong in our M. That she was sleeping on the couch because I snored! (yeah, right). I had to talk to them because they KNEW something was wrong and were scared. Back then I was careful to just say that mom was working things out, she isn't wanting to get a D or leave us, yet.
When I get home tonight I'm going to sit down and talk to my D about what she wants. What I can do for her. Nothing about her mom, just about what she wants!
It is cathartic. Just don't wallow in it (see your earlier post)
It happened, Matt. It happens in our lives. Doesn't matter if you're "good" or "bad". It is what it is, right?
I know lots of people who have been through similar. Both online (here) and in person.
Keep in mind the dynamic, Matt. She's angry. She's likely angry because she's hurt. Never mind that she hurt you or made these choices. It is what it is regardless of why. But she, like you and your daughters is human and is going through a breakup. She will try to pick a fight with you. She will try to insult you. Call you all kinds of names, try and re-remember the past (presumably to make herself feel better), and she will also try to adjust to the current regardless of what you say or point out. For her, that may mean asking if you want her to keep something for you, as if she will always be there for you. It's an adjustment for her as well.
Heck, mine tried to say she'd fund a startup for me after the divorce was finalized, as a way to pay me back for the years I supported her. In the end, Matt, it was obvious she needed to go and wanted to hold on to the past at the same time. Like a child leaving home but wanting to be back in time for dinner, ya know? The only thing I'm left with is to understand that she left. The other things? Just adjustments for her and for me. They don't mean anything in the scheme of things. They will likely be forgotten later, much like saying something during an argument or in a tantrum. It wouldn't surprise me if in her anger, my ex had the affair to "get at" me and then couldn't live with the guilt. Or that she married this guy as a way to get at me.
I won't know and honestly it doesn't matter. It's her trip to take. I have my own. If it makes her feel better to bad mouth me or otherwise do what she does and says, then that's on her. If her H chooses the same, then it is what it is and I'll deal with what needs to be dealt with (very little; he's a bug on my windshield at this point). My choices are mine, and I've found that the more I don't respond, the more it changes. She reaches deeper for insults. But I know at some point, she'll stop telling me, Matt.
Why? Because I'm the one that controls my feelings and my life. And refuse to engage in her anger.
For a long time I had the feeling that she was using me like a "hit" of a drug. She would use me to kindle her anger. How do you deal with that? For me, I don't. I did for a while, but that's just silly, don't you think?
The sooner you detach and not let stuff like that get to you, the better off you'll be. It'll change over the years anyway, and if you remove yourself from that, she'll be left to deal with herself or whomever crosses her path and doesn't get out of the way.
Take the high road and detach from the outcome or even the present situation. You're giving it more credit and weight than it deserves, Matt.
I know you know that. Just putting that out there for ya.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Thanks AJ, I have tried to have compassion for her and the pain she must be going through. It is the ever changing moods, the lashing out like she does over "things" while at the same time not caring about what should be more important like her kids. I am learning and getting more able to deal with things as time goes on. I hope she never gets as bad as your ex is still now. I do understand I have no control over that. Stinks but we must deal with reality, not what we want things to be.
YOU are getting really, really tired!! Your mind is calling out for a little attention. When you buy those flowers for your D., get something for yourself.
Take a break from home - maybe for an hour or two. Maybe you can alternate doing what you want w/ your D. and then something for you the next time. You are her life raft - if you are not good, she isn't either.
I know when I'm fatigued, every single thing looks awful. I feel at my wits end ...
I read a book called The Artist Way years ago (not relevant subject here, for expressive arts). What I loved was the weekly artist date. At that time, I thought of a place or thing I wanted to do & that was my ('me') date for the week. It forced me to set aside time for myself, doing something that I wanted to do. I felt great after a few months (should have kept it up!)
You need some YOU time soon, get your 'center', and then return to the reality of the sitch and go from there. p.
pbetra ---- M: 15 yrs (in 2014) BD: 6/03/2014 Infidelity ('known' from July 2014) Denied PA Feb 2015 2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact. Back briefly 2017 (after family death) Separated 2017
Wow, really good idea pbetra, I really have gotten so far from "me" over the last 20 years. Everything was always about "us", whether it was my W or one or both of the kids, everything seemed to revolve around my family. I also think as my W progressed in her MLC that got even worse as she would spend less and less time doing anything with the girls and I felt that they needed "family" time. I know I'm still dealing with how my D14 has dealt with my W's MLC. She has withdrawn as her mom would always seem to not want to do anything with her that she wanted to do.
I'll be thinking about different things that I want to do for me. When you're tired it's so easy to get stuck in "just get home and relax" mode but all that does is keep you stuck where you are. I sure don't want to be stuck where I am right now!
