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mdu Offline OP
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H stopped by yesterday to help me with the ladder so I could properly clean one of our picture windows. He ended up cleaning it for me because it was a bit more challenging that I expected. He was on his way to the beach with the kids (we used to go every Sunday with his extended family). On his way out he said 'well, we'll be at the beach if you're interested in coming' I just smiled and went back inside. I didn't go.

I don't know if this is DBing or not but right now I really don't feel like hanging out with him until he's ready to put more into this. I'm just tired.

Last night stepdaughter had several friends over the house. They were in / out of the house at all hours. I suspect drinking (maybe smoking). So not ok. I didn't intervene in the moment, maybe I should have, but I was concerned if folks were high that it would be ineffective and someone might try to drive away. I need to talk to her about it later today and let her know it was not ok. I think I'm in a bit of a mood over that as well. I feel like I'm stuck holding the bag --- dealing with the house on my own, dealing with the neighborhood (kids constantly coming around asking for S & D, feeling badly that they're often not here), and now dealing with stepdaughter's shenanigans. It's just getting ridiculous and I feel like H is not at all suffering the consequences of his choices, but I sure am.


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
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MDU,

That is a good interaction with H. No blow ups, no drama, no R talk. And GOOD for you in not going to the beach with H this time around. It is for you because you weren't into it at all.

Regroup a bit more and then you'll be ready to interact H in a more light-hearted way. There will be times when you just need space and time for yourself. It's perfectly allright to do for it is important to give yourself some TLC.

Yep. You're going have to have the talk with your D about her behavior. Don't think for a minute that H isn't experiencing the consequences of his behavior. He is and time will tell when he will reveal them to you. Patience.

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mdu Offline OP
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Thanks Wonka. Great feedback, all makes total sense.


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
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Don't think for a minute that H isn't experiencing the consequences of his behavior. He is and time will tell when he will reveal them to you. Patience.

I completely agree with Wonka on this. I felt the same way, mdu: from the LBS perspective, it appears that the WAS is living the high life while we're left to clean up the messes and tend to the path of destruction left behind.

I've learned from talking to H recently that he was living in his own he!l during that time. And it was far worse than mine. It will also be much longer-lasting.

Good for you for declining the beach trip. Positive interactions are good, but I think your H can (and will) work for YOU a little in time. The fact that he asked you if you wanted to join - especially when you haven't been pursuing - is a good baby step in that direction. wink


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
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mdu Offline OP
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Kind of freaking out. Have a strong suspicion H is with OW. Called him about some lawnmower issues & he seemed a little off. Then called him back to update him & he texts me saying he's at a work dinner. So I text back asking if he is someplace good (there are a lot of restaurants in our area & we used to eat out together a lot). He replies, just a brewery. Which is very odd to not say WHAT brewery. I'm tempted to reply & ask him which one but should I let it drop? I'm freaked & not sure what I want to do


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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Just let it drop.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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mdu Offline OP
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Thx Mr Bond. I did, in terms of H. But then snooped a little & discovered apparently H is where OW used to live (saw a charge for a brewery there on our joint cc). I imagine he's visiting that office today. Assuming she really did move away from there he may be entirely innocent


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 883
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Just remember, the last time he opened up to you about something to do with OW and work you freaked out on him. That'll be fresh in his mind, even if he's just visiting the other office on a work trip.


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
Separated, still living together: Nov 2013
Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Joined: Mar 2014
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mdu Offline OP
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Well theoretically OW shouldn't be there since she supposedly moved to the office here. So that's why I say it could be innocent.

However, there is some more odd behavior this morning. We are having issues with the lawnmower. I tried to call H this am to make a plan for him to come look at it today and he hasn't replied. I called work, cell and texted him. It's VERY unusual for him to not reply like this. Usually the instant I call him he calls or texts me right back if he can't answer.

If I find hard evidence that he is involved with OW again this could be a cross roads for me. I don't think I can just turn away.


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 768
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mdu Offline OP
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Posts: 768
Ok, so I think I'm just being paranoid. H called back. He actually agreed to take the kids to a neighborhood event tonight, I thought they were going to have to miss out again. I thought that was good of him.


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
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