Previously we had agreed that we would each take 1 of the last two weeks in August off to take care of the kids (S7 camps end). Suddenly, H says to me 'so when I'm off with the kids next week do you want me to just keep them the whole time?'
I'm not sure this helps, mdu, but I read this the same way your husband did. What care arrangement for the kids did you have in mind when you agreed to take those weeks off?
Me: 31, W: 29 T: 4 M: 2 Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3) Separated, still living together: Nov 2013 Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014 W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Oh I don't disagree Barrybran. It does make sense that he might suggest taking them for the entire week that he has off. I should have expected it. But somehow the reality still hits me hard when it comes down to it. He wasn't doing anything wrong. I just hate that this is our life.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
So something that really confuses me in terms of how to handle is I totally feel that when I am cool and detached it really drives H away. But when I am warm and friendly it tends to pull him in. It seems like there is no way I can both detach AND reattract him. There's some finer point here that I feel like I keep missing...
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
I think this is one of those situations where you put on your own oxygen mask before caring for your neighbor. If you're not properly detached how can you be prepared to tackle rebuilding the relationship when that time comes? If that means you withdraw for a time in order to get there, that's not necessarily a bad thing. Others may dis age, but I've grown a lot during our time apart. Growth that wouldn't have happened if I hadn't taken the opportunity to detach.
Short term pain for long term gain?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I get where you're coming from about the kids, mdu. I can only imagine how you feel without them for even a couple of days let alone a week.
I agree with Maybell about detachment. You have to look after yourself first.
Me: 31, W: 29 T: 4 M: 2 Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3) Separated, still living together: Nov 2013 Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014 W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Whenever I spend a good amount of time away from H I often do feel better and like I'm detaching. But then I have some encounter with him and either he is cool and it really upsets me or just being around him stirs up feelings in me. And I realize how much I have NOT detached.
I feel like it might help if I lay out some clear goals for myself. I think I need to specify what detaching and focusing on me really looks like. So not contacting H is pretty straightforward but how do I respond if he reaches out to me? He will send friendly texts on occasion and we get into text chitchat. Occasionally I will try to call him and chat a bit --- this is a 180 that was really effective in reattracting him previously, notsomuch now --- should I not do that anymore?
The whole thing is really, really scary because I definitely feel like if I do nothing in terms of trying to pull him in he will drift away for good.
Some things I need to work on for myself: *focus on the kids 1000% when I do have them. Sometimes I will go on the computer or something like that and not really focus on them. I need to make the most of the time I do have with them. *arrange more kid free activities that do NOT involved food and drink! It's expensive, I've basically gained back nearly all the weight I'd lost and the alcohol ultimately just depresses me. *I need to make myself do things, regardless of how I feel at the moment. I've been sitting around too much because I feel cruddy, but I need to ignore it and get moving. Sitting around ultimately makes me feel worse.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Let me tell you as kids half my relations lived in another country, and yet my nan and grandfather were a huge influence in my life. My nan passed last year, and still I get tears thinking about how huge that lady was in my life.
If your husband has a true connection space and time shouldn't affect it that much. He seems to be responding. Slowly but he's looking and it has to come from him.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life pursuing your husband, and trying to convince him to be attracted to you?
Think about that for a moment.
You are basically saying here (and have said before), that if you don't pursue him, he'll grow even more distant. A marriage, to me, involves BOTH spouses working at being as attractive as possible, and even occasionally pursuing. Granted, DBing involves just the one spouse -- at least initially -- doing the heavy lifting, but at some point your husband needs to pick up the rope here.
I know Starsky. I keep thinking about exactly what you just wrote. Is this ultimately what I want? No, not at all. But how long do I wait to see if he turns? That's what I'm struggling with to decide for myself. I do feel I owe him *some* time as previously he was always the one that held our relationship together and pursued me. So this is a definite flip, and maybe it just has to be my turn for a while. But how long is the question...
Sadly, I just got a long text from my stepson. He is really struggling with everything now too because H apparently has pulled away from him recently as well. Just before OW moved and came to H's office H and I had gone to a concert with stepson and fiancé and all had a great time. Apparently H used to talk to them about us and they also thought we were reconciling, but now he's taken such a turn with them too. It's so sad all around and I don't know what to make of it all. Stepson actually said he feels like he doesn't know his Dad anymore. Is he just confused seeing OW? Is he involved with her again? I just don't know what to make of it all. My heart hurts for all involved.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
We need to be careful about jumping to conclusions without any hard evidence. Yes, the OW has moved to H's office and your convos with him has tampered off drastically. That is something to be mindful of for sure.
Your different game plan going forward is to say absolutely nothing about the OW. Put on a new shirt, shoes, dress, pants/slacks, perfume, lipstick or some other item each time you and H do the kiddo exchange.
Be completely nonchalant when you talk with H. Keep your convos short, to the point, and be the first person to leave with a jaunty walk of self-confidence. And do not even try to glance back at H when you walk away.
