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Thanks Starsky and Theoden. WW and I had a blowout today. She is having reservations about moving out due to our D13 and tried to guilt me into being the one to leave. She told me I was being selfish and didn't care how all of this would affect our D13. That's when I let it go. I asked her if she was thinking about our daughter when she was having sex with him in our house. Or when she was meeting with him time and time again over a 6 month span. I also told her that since she needs time and space, not me, why would I leave?

She also "blames me 100% for ruining her relationship with her son." Our son is 20 years old and I told him about the A within an hour of finding out because he was in the house at the moment of impact. Again, I said, "I think your ACTIONS had a little to do with the situation. I told our ADULT son the truth."

I guess some marriages just can't be saved. She has totally checked out and has done nothing except blame shift and rug sweep in addition to showing zero remorse. I agree, it's time to man up.


Me: 45 W: 44
M: 20 T: 31
S 20, D 13

W affair ended 5-13-14
W confessed 5-27-14
W wants to R 4-1-15; I'm not sure
Living in same house, separate beds
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 2,148
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She wants YOU to leave because she's screwing other men and partying all night?

No way.

Talk to a lawyer.

This is to protect YOU and your daughter.

--Alan




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Update, OG? How are things lookin' your way?


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 58
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I met with my lawyer this week. I took half of the money out of our joint checking acct. I have shut off her companion credit cards. I changed my direct deposit to my own account. I told her to come up with a budget for her monthly living expenses. Her reaction has been predictable so far. She got upset, accused me of playing games, threatened to make the divorce painful for me. I'm just staying as calm as possible and letting her know that she has made her choices and now I am making mine. D is not what I want but it appears to be my only option.

Last night I went to dinner with a group of friends, so still doing my best to GAL. She is planning on moving out next week but I'm not sure which days. We walk around the house avoiding each other, it is so uncomfortable. Anytime we try to discuss anything it turns into an argument with her speaking to me like Sh*t. I have come to the conclusion that our M cannot be saved. She is too far gone. She says she needs time to "think and process without any pressure from me". Translation: I want to party and date without any interference as well as test the waters of living on my own while keeping you as plan b.

Tomorrow is the 6 month anniversary of bomb drop and I have basically been a doormat the entire time until now. I tried following the rules but was not very successful. Excuses are a dime a dozen so I won't offer any. It hurts, plain and simple. I miss the life we had, our family, the woman she was, the happiness and the security. I always had 100% confidence in our love for each other. Then my world was turned upside down and it feels like it will never be right again.

I don't see any other options. She has clearly checked out of the marriage, she has no interest in trying start over with me, she is behaving like she is 30 again and she has decided to move out. I can sit here like a doormat or I can do exactly what Theoden suggested and get on with my life. The only things about me that she values are financial security and comfort zone. It's not much but it's all I can use to show her what life will be like without me.


Me: 45 W: 44
M: 20 T: 31
S 20, D 13

W affair ended 5-13-14
W confessed 5-27-14
W wants to R 4-1-15; I'm not sure
Living in same house, separate beds
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
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I'm sorry, OG. I can tell you are feeling super-defeated. And I understand.

And I know this isn't what you want to hear, but sometimes in these kinds of situations, some time and space are exactly what you BOTH need.

When you're in each other's faces all the time, and if you are unable to figure out - and stick to - changes you need to make in yourself and your side of the M, then the problems in the M are not only not being fixed ... they're being MAGNIFIED. Living together provides more opportunities for our spouses to see our changes, sure. But if you are having a hard time implementing sustainable changes in your life - which would ultimately hopefully re-attract your W - and sticking to those changes, then your W isn't seeing any changes she can believe in. And she's definitely not going to want to meet you in the middle. In fact, she'll likely just dig in her heels even further.

All that to say: A S, while difficult on a family, could just be a bump in the road. And it could also be a blessing is disguise. Regroup. Don't allow a negative attitude - or ANYTHING your W is saying or doing - lead your decision-making. You get to decide when you're done. Maybe you are. Maybe you aren't. But a S isn't necessarily the end. I would have sworn to you, based on my H's words AND actions (we were S for 2 months earlier this year) that he was "too far gone." He was hateful. SWORE he was never returning home or to our M.

But he did.

Hang in there. Stiffen that backbone. Find your confidence. And keep us posted here.


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
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"Don't allow a negative attitude - or ANYTHING your W is saying or doing - lead your decision-making. You get to decide when you're done. Maybe you are. Maybe you aren't. But a S isn't necessarily the end. I would have sworn to you, based on my H's words AND actions (we were S for 2 months earlier this year) that he was "too far gone." He was hateful. SWORE he was never returning home or to our M.

But he did.

Hang in there. Stiffen that backbone. Find your confidence. And keep us posted here.
"

Train. I needed to hear these exact words today. Thank you.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
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My pleasure, Jefe.


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 58
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Thank you Train. I have many reasons to be thankful today and finding this community is one of them. I also know that I will be fine no matter what happens with my M. I'm sitting here with my 2 awesome kids, cooking, playing video games and watching football. My phone has been full of texts from my family and friends since early this morning.

I know that I gave an honest effort to save my M, even under circumstances where almost everyone has told me to do the opposite. My ww complaints centered around being neglected. I tried to show her positive changes but it was really hard to do. Now that I think more about it, time apart may improve our situation. It certainly cant get much worse. Trying to be super husband with a remorseless ww who did the things she did has proven to be impossible for me. She cut me very deep and i'm not willing to save my M at all costs. She needs to want it and be willing to work WITH me on starting over.

Happy Thanksgiving DBers!


Me: 45 W: 44
M: 20 T: 31
S 20, D 13

W affair ended 5-13-14
W confessed 5-27-14
W wants to R 4-1-15; I'm not sure
Living in same house, separate beds
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 58
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Joined: Jul 2014
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WW has decided to postpone moving out indefinitely. This marks the 4th time she has told me she is leaving and failed to make the move. Also, she put up the tree and decorated the house while I was gone last week. I take this as an indication that her mind is all over the place. The part that upsets me is the fact that she has had 3 serious talks with our D13 about mom and dad living apart for a while. Only to change her mind later. I am concerned that this is putting our D13 through additional stress and will make it harder on her when the real move does come.

Last week ww met with an attorney and he told her not to leave the house. He indicated, according to her, that the courts will likely force me to leave because I travel for business and she is the primary caregiver of our D13. I have not had a chance to speak to my lawyer about that yet but it signals to me that I had better start preparing for a vicious D. I am going to buy a var and keep it with me at all times in case she tries to accuse me of any type of domestic abuse. It is surreal that our relationship has gotten to this point.

For my part I have been executing the 180 better than ever. I am trying to accept that our M is not likely to be saved. My emotions are swinging all over the place. When I see a commercial about a family enjoying the holidays my heart sinks. Then I see her getting dolled up to go to spin class and my blood boils. (She still attends the same studio where her "former" ap works). She does not attend on days when he works but it is still a slap in my face and a testament to her lack of interest in our M.

However, I would be lying if I said that part of me was still not hoping for a miracle.


Me: 45 W: 44
M: 20 T: 31
S 20, D 13

W affair ended 5-13-14
W confessed 5-27-14
W wants to R 4-1-15; I'm not sure
Living in same house, separate beds
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 58
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It was inevitable that I would run into her AP at some point and last night it happened. I took my w, D13 and S20 to the movies. On the way to the theater I noticed that we were right behind her ap's car. (He has a personalized plate). I did not say a word and intentionally slowed down to hit a light. It was raining so I dropped my w and daughter off at the door (her parents were already in the lobby waiting) and my son and I went to park the car. I told my son that we had been right behind him and my son looks up and says, "Is that him?". He was parked about 20 feet from us and just getting out of his car. He was alone. I watched him walk up to the theater and I decided that I needed to confront him. As I was walking up to the theater doors I saw him abruptly turn around and walk away. He and my W had seen each other. He walked off to the side, clearly trying to think about what to do and looking at his phone. I was walking towards him and my heart was pounding. I called his name and he looked up. I walked to about 10 feet from him and just said "I think you should find something else to do tonight". He said "I know, I saw her.". I just looked at him without saying another word and he walked away. There were so many things I wanted to say but my anger was through the roof. The last thing I want is to make my situation worse by getting an assault charge. But I had to face him. I could not just let him leave without saying something to him.

My son and I then walked up to meet W and daughter and they were both visibly upset. My w had seen her ap and she knew that I had seen him as well. My daughter says she wants to go home because mom saw someone who she doesnt like and looks like she is going to cry. "Why wont anyone tell me whats going on?" I said, Mom and dad are just not getting along right now. To which she said "I know but no one will tell me why. Im not stupid, I know something is going on." I ended up deflecting her questions the best that I could and after about 10 minutes we all calmed down and decided to see the movie. The night ended up ok for her, which was my focus.

Overall things between my W and I have been the same. She is still in the house and I have still not filed for D. It's Christmas morning and the 4 of us did our best to have our family tradition of opening gifts. I am still hoping for a miracle for our M. However, at the same time I am wishing that my feelings for her would die. The pain is intense. I miss the life we had so much. But it takes 2 people and right now she is no where close to wanting to work on our M. I have stayed away from her, trying my best to detach. She is just emotionally gone and it doesn't feel like there is any way she is ever coming back.


Me: 45 W: 44
M: 20 T: 31
S 20, D 13

W affair ended 5-13-14
W confessed 5-27-14
W wants to R 4-1-15; I'm not sure
Living in same house, separate beds
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