On the brink, need a miracle

[Starsky309]

Nor any pursuit.

It's a fine-lined dance to dance, for sure.

[Train]

OG,

Still here and still reading your posts. I'm glad you're reading sho's threads; you two remind me of one another ... a lot.

Just wanted to drop by and offer you a pat on the back ... and to let you know I'm reading and thinking of you.

[dawgy]

So is your wife currently having an A ?? If it has ended that is a positive . The things shes done to you and you family is despicable for sure but I guess we must remember PEA s . The brain chemicals , the irrational thoughts and decisions that come along with having an affair . Having a man into your home is the lowest of the lowest however it does speak volumes about the irrational thoughts and decisions she has and is making . Im not making an excuse for her but it does give you some insight on how a once loving wife could turn so cold and un feeling . And remember that is exactly what it is " feelings " not logic . If she was thinking logical none of this would ever have happened Dawgy

[Onguard]

Thanks for the comments. The A has ended and w says that she has had no contact in over 3 months. However, the OM is the one who ended it and she is missing him badly. Her actions over the past 8 months have been horrible. They are clearly the actions of a person who had totally checked out of the M and was moving on. Now I have a small chance to save my M. My emotions are telling me to save it but my logic is telling me to move on without her. And since I am here I guess you know which side is winning.

Detaching has been a serious challenge for me as well. We have been together for over 30 years, since the age of 13. It still does not seem real. I wake up every morning and think, is this really happening? Yes it is.

The other big challenge I have is my fear that either the OM will change his mind about her or that she will find an OM2. I know that I cannot control her and I need to focus on myself, On my process and on being the best I can be at all times. Trust the process, work the process, execute.

[Onguard]

Last night I was going to cook dinner for myself and my D13. I asked my w if she was planning on being home for dinner. She said yes and I told her that I was going to cook. We ate dinner together and she asked me about my grandmother who is not in good health. I kept my answers brief and was pleasant. I did not initiate any other talks. Would any part of this be considered pursuing?

[dawgy]

Onguard i hear you loud and clear bud . My wife and i have been together almost 27 years and its been heart breaking . She was so kind when I found out about the A and for weeks and months later she was supportive and kind and said we would get through this . I repeatedly tried to tell her to stop seeing OM because her feelings would get stronger if she didnt . She wanted me to trust her and she would end things , she just needed time . Here we are months later , she s thinks shes in love with him and she despises me . Her brain is in another world . Anyone that would jeopordize the well being of their own offspring for their own selfish needs obviously is not in their right mind ,

[Starsky309]

Last night I was going to cook dinner for myself and my D13. I asked my w if she was planning on being home for dinner. She said yes and I told her that I was going to cook. We ate dinner together and she asked me about my grandmother who is not in good health. I kept my answers brief and was pleasant. I did not initiate any other talks. Would any part of this be considered pursuing?

No. Ya done good.

[Starsky309]

Onguard i hear you loud and clear bud . My wife and i have been together almost 27 years and its been heart breaking . She was so kind when I found out about the A and for weeks and months later she was supportive and kind and said we would get through this . I repeatedly tried to tell her to stop seeing OM because her feelings would get stronger if she didnt . She wanted me to trust her and she would end things , she just needed time . Here we are months later , she s thinks shes in love with him and she despises me . Her brain is in another world .

This is why I'm such an absolute NAZI about no-contact and transparency. Even if a spouse is willing to end all contact and work on the marriage, it doesn't mean they are always able to. Affairs are HIGHLY addictive, and any re-contact with their OM/OW re-starts their withdrawal "clock" to 0:00.

A solid transparency plan is the glue that helps hold together the formerly wayward spouse's good intentions about no-contact.


Starsky

[Onguard]

The last few days have been full of detaching. We have had very little interaction. I played golf all day yesterday and she spent all day today with her family. Our last discussion was on Friday when she told me that she had a plan of action. If there was no improvement in us by the end of the month, she thinks we should separate. She would prefer that I leave. I reiterated my position that I am not leaving the home. She tried to use our D13 as leverage, saying that she would be hurt if my W were the one to leave. I responded by asking her if she was thinking of our D13 when she was having an A or suggesting separation in general. Separation is a trial run for D, not a step in the process of R. She claims that her goal of separation would be to ultimately save our M. I will not attempt to convince her to stay but I will not be leaving either.

Next week is her birthday. How should I handle this? I was planning on basically keeping the whole thing family oriented. No card or gift from me. Just being a part of the festivities with the family. Being upbeat and acting as if. The other issue is that we are supposed to be going to dinner with 3 other couples on Friday night. They all know about our sitch. It feels really uncomfortable to be out in public with people under these circumstances. I feel like they are all wondering why I am still with her. Mind reading I know... It just feels like I am losing respect from everyone because I am still trying to save my M with a W who has been unfaithful AND has not committed to our M.

Should I stop doing things as a couple until / unless she commits? She does not seem to want me to be a part of her birthday either. She is being very quiet other than mentioning it a few times. I asked her if she still wanted to go to a football game for her birthday and she said she was not sure. I did not say a word after that as I don't want to pursue but I also don't want to be cold. Man, this is a fine line to dance indeed.

[Onguard]

This past weekend was my wife's birthday. We had plans the night before her birthday to have dinner with a few couples but she cancelled because things are too awkward. Basically, all of our good friends know about the sitch because she told her girlfriends. The fact that everyone knows our business definitely makes things harder. So, we went to dinner on our own to try and salvage the night. Again, the time spent together was tense. I stayed away from any talk about our sitch or R but there were still periods of uncomfortable silence. And of course there was no romance.

For her birthday I took her and her whole family to a football game. This is where things got very unpleasant for me. We went early to tailgate and she and her mom started drinking. My MIL began to point out every guy she saw who was good looking. And she was not being subtle at all. At first I just laughed it off as the girls having fun. But after about 5 incidents it stopped being amusing. She took my wife over to a large camper where some guys were standing on the roof and told them that they had to let my wife come up there since it was her birthday. Well, the guys were more than happy to have her come up of course. My MIL even made a statement to my wife that one of the guys was really hot. And this continued all day. I did not say a word and I tried to act like everything was fine but inside I was stunned and hurt. They were acting like 2 single women on spring break. It was extremely disrespectful to me considering our situation.

The next day my wife remarked that I didn't appear to be having fun at the game. I told her that I enjoyed the day but that her conduct with her mom made me very uncomfortable. My wife got defensive and hostile. She accused me of ruining her birthday by casting a dark cloud over the day. I stood my ground and told her that anyone in my shoes would have felt the same way. If roles had been reversed and I was flirting with a bunch of women in front of her she would have lost her mind and probably gone home early. I also concluded that in my mind we are still married But to her, obviously, we are no longer together except for the legal agreement.

Im not sure if I did the right thing by speaking out about her behavior but I will no longer be a doormat. She is free to act in any way she chooses but not as my wife. I don't want a D but it looks more and more like that is the direction we are heading. She does not respect me or love me. It seems like the nicer I am the worse her behavior towards me. Each day it feels like the distance between us is growing. I know i need to detach, GAL, be strong, confident, happy with how things are, know that I will be ok no matter what happens to us. I cannot control her feelings or actions. I must take control over my own attitude and actions in order to move forward.