On the brink, need a miracle

[Onguard]

My wife began to pull away from me about 7 months ago. I pursued her and she said that she just needed space and time to sort out her feelings. I asked her on multiple occasions if there were someone else. Each time she denied it and gaslighted me. Then, 2 months ago she confessed that she had been having an affair. Her AP ended the affair 2 weeks prior to her confession. My waw also admitted to falling in love with him and out of love with me. (We have been married for 20 years, together for 30 and have 2 awesome kids, ages 13 and 20).

She did show remorse and a sincere desire to reconcile for about 3 days after the confession. She was afraid and hoped that we could save our relationship. I reacted as most would expect for someone who is shell shocked. I showed pain, anger and fear. Her stance on our marriage changed quickly and now she says "I dont see any way that our relationship could ever work". She was very unhappy for the past few years due to neglect and unmet expectations. She feels as though too much damage has been done and that I will never forgive her. She does not want to live under constant scrutiny and she feels like reconciliation would be moving backwards. She refuses to go backwards. She is going to individual counseling and he seems to be in the "do what makes you happy now" camp. No judgement, just stating what is.

Since her initial confession of the affair, I have learned that she brought him into our home on at least 2 occasions. What type of person can bring another man into her family home, have sex and then greet her family later that day like nothing happened? The images are chilling and This has really pushed me to my limits. I loved my wife but I do not love the woman who is here now. She has barely apologized to me and has actually made far more statements to hurt me than anything else. She regrets the affair because she chose a partner who was already involved with OW. (the reason HE ended the affair was because his ow, who is also married but separated, caught my waw leaving his house!) Here are a few more facts, sad but true:

Her AP is a spinning instructor. That is how they met. She still goes to the same spin studio but is not allowed to attend his class (part of his NC letter to her).

She goes out often without telling me anything. Stays out late, drinks too much, acts like a college kid on spring break.

I have been doing all of the wrong things. Pursuing, begging, snooping, fighting... I have tried to stop but I have only been able to hold out for a few days before something triggers these bad behaviors.

She is planning on moving out. I refuse to leave because she is the one who destroyed our marriage, she is the one who disrespected our home. She is the one who is not willing to commit to reconciliation.

Our 20 year old son knows about the affair. Our 13 year old does not. Also, her family and a few friends know about the affair.

The affair is supposedly over and her story is that she has had no contact with him for over 2 months. (I do not believe this is true but I have no way to confirm).

She says ILYBINILWY. Her sees me like a brother, not a spouse.

She still claims that she is in limbo. But her actions say that she has made up her mind to move forward. We had a family dinner planned last night at 8pm. She texted me at 8:15 saying that she was going out with a "friend" for a few drinks and would be home around 9pm. (which I knew was total BS). The kids and I ate without her. She came home at 10:30 and I asked her who the friend was. She gave me a female name. I asked her if there was anyone else and she snapped, "NO! I don't owe you any explanation, we are not a couple and I have not decided to work on this marriage". And off to bed she went.

Oh yeah, we have been sleeping in separate rooms for 6 months.

I would prefer that my marriage survive. My actions so far have achieved the exact opposite though. She has hurt me deeply and it makes me sick that I still have any desire to reconcile. It is like her body has been taken over by an alien, literally. I do not know who this woman is! Part of me wants to end the marriage today and move on with my life. I don't know if I could ever truly forgive her. I'm very conflicted.

Either way, I know that I need to stop pursuing her. I have ordered DR and it should be here today. I have read the 180 and the LRT, although I have not had the discipline to execute the steps. My waw has zero fear of losing me. In fact, all of her words and actions state that she is eager to get away from me. She has threatened moving out but has not left. Is my best option to simply follow the LRT to the letter and take it as it comes? My situation feels hopeless. I would appreciate any insights on whether or not I should continue to invest in this relationship.

My Hollywood script ending: She wakes up from this fog and shows sincere remorse and desire to reconcile. We agree to establish boundaries that apply to each of us. We get into MC. We communicate with respect. The love starts to return. The trust starts to return. We have hope instead of despair. Momentum builds in the right direction and we eventually put all of this behind us. I become a better husband and she returns to being a loving and trustworthy wife.

[Starsky309]

Get the book, and go immediately to the After-the-Last-Resort Technique.

You need to lay some firm boundaries here, Onguard or I'm afraid your wife is just going to use your family home as her staging ground to pursue and OM2 (AP2). You need to protect you and your kids at this point.

I'm glad to hear that you refuse to move out. That should be a given but you'd be surprised.

I'm sorry, I know this s*ucks. I myself went through it back in 2007 (my wife was 47 and her affair was with her 29 year old personal trainer). Fortunately, we made it and are now happier than ever, by the grace of God and the good folks here in DBland. But it was one HELLUVA painful ride.


Starsky

[Starsky309]

Two other quick questions:

1) Have you talked to an attorney yet?


2) What is your current financial arrangement with your wayward wife?


Starsky

[Train]

OG,

Don't know if you've read through any other threads yet. But while answering Starsky's questions, you may want to look up shodan's first thread, here in Infidelity.

He's new on this journey, too, and his thread has A TON of info that you should find valuable.

Most importantly, hang on to pretty much every word Starsky is telling you. He's an old pro, and his firm guidance helped shepherd my M back into the Land of the Living.

Sorry you're here, man.

[Onguard]

Thanks for your fast reply Starsky. I have read many of your posts and I know you can help me. I have interviewed 2 attorneys so far and have 2 more I am waiting to hear from. The advice I have been given so far has been general. They told me not to try and move or hide any assets because it's impossible and it would not look good in court. Also some common sense instructions like don't be an ass.

Basically, I know where every dime is located and I have statements printed out as proof. I have cancelled her credit cards that were attached to mine. I have opened an individual savings and checking account and all future paychecks will be direct deposited into those accounts.

Here is a very recent update: She left her notebook on the desk in her office. I know I need to stop snooping but I could not resist. It was a type of rough journal where she listed the things she would miss about me and the things she would miss about her ap. I think it was her prep for the counseling. You can imagine that I did not fare too well on this comparison. I wouldn't expect to but seeing it on paper, in my wife's handwriting, was still like a dagger in the throat. She had 3 things listed for me. Financial security, comfort zone and family. (So really that is zero things about me). For him she had 7, including passion, excitement, trainer, shared interests.. How can you compare a 30 year relationship to a 6 month affair?

[Onguard]

Thanks Train. I read through Shodan's posts. There is a lot of good info. It made me feel even more hopeless about my situation though. Bad side, my waw still has very strong attachment to her ap and virtually none to me. I have also not done what Shodan did with the DB for 6 weeks prior to learning of the A. In fact, I have done the opposite. Ugh. I know that pursuing, pressuring and showing anger are only pushing her away but I have not been able to stop. I am so deeply hurt by her A and the fact that she brought him into our home that I am not sure I can overcome it. On the good side, HE ended the affair and I do believe that it has stopped. But I don't trust my waw at all. She has told me so many lies, how can I possibly believe anything?

Last night I told her that I was going to move forward with ending the marriage since she has had 2 months to figure her feelings out and still is not ready to commit to the marriage. Her heart is still with her ap and I am not going to sit around while you wait to see if his other relationship fails so you can be back in his life. I told her that she should leave our house. At first she happily agreed but later called me to suggest that a trial separation while both staying in the home. She suggested that I could extend a business trip and stay away for a week or so. I told her that would not work for me and that she should leave. I let her know that I would prefer to work on our relationship and if she has a change of heart that she knows where to find me.

I think I need to just stay away from her for a while. I need to give her space to think on her own without being focused on defending my attacks. I realize, slowly I know, that I have been putting a lot of pressure on her and she just wants to escape from me. I am hoping that if I back off for a week with no contact that she will possibly start to soften a bit. I know now that I absolutely need her to come to me if we are going to make any progress at all.

Lastly, I need to continue to be the best dad I can be and GAL. The Stockdale paradox was helpful. I have to accept the brutal facts that the woman I loved for 30 years is gone. The life we had is gone and will never be the same. She does not love me now and may never love me again. This is ok and my life's purpose is bigger than my relationship with my spouse. I can be happy without her, or any other individual, in my life.

[Starsky309]

She left her notebook on the desk in her office. I know I need to stop snooping but I could not resist. It was a type of rough journal where she listed the things she would miss about me and the things she would miss about her ap. I think it was her prep for the counseling. You can imagine that I did not fare too well on this comparison. I wouldn't expect to but seeing it on paper, in my wife's handwriting, was still like a dagger in the throat. She had 3 things listed for me. Financial security, comfort zone and family. (So really that is zero things about me). For him she had 7, including passion, excitement, trainer, shared interests.. How can you compare a 30 year relationship to a 6 month affair?

I'm sorry, OG -- I know that must really sting. My wife too left all kinds of handwritten notes and scribbles around -- journaling, "budgeting" (if you want to call it that -- she had her "Botox payments," but not any mention of things like, you know, "Utilities" or "Food") and it really is a kick in the gut. If it weren't so junior high'ish it might hurt even more. Please do know that it's entirely SCRIPT, however, and that your wife's brain is awash in endorphins right now (PEAs) that account for most of the euphoria she's feeling at the moment.

"Good deal" on the legal and financial moves you've made already; you are WAY ahead of most who land here, and sound like you have a good gameplan in place thus far.\

You CAN'T compare a 30-year marital relationship with a 6-month, intrigue-filled affair. At least not right now she can't. As more people find out about the affair, and she begins to see her OM in all his warts and glory, some of that will change. For right now, all you can do is protect yourself, protect your KIDS, and work on yourself.

More later . . .

Starsky

[Starsky309]

Lastly, I need to continue to be the best dad I can be and GAL. The Stockdale paradox was helpful. I have to accept the brutal facts that the woman I loved for 30 years is gone. The life we had is gone and will never be the same. She does not love me now and may never love me again. This is ok and my life's purpose is bigger than my relationship with my spouse. I can be happy without her, or any other individual, in my life.

There. Fixed it for you.

OG, don't overdo this. Yes, your OLD marriage is dead and gone, but I'm sure you would BOTH admit that there were things about it that NEEDED burying. Many people do, however, successfully reconcile and put together a brand NEW marriage, that was even better than before. I did, and Train is well on her way too. There are many others.

And even post-D, about 20-25% remarry, nearly all reporting that the new marriage was FAR better than the original one.

You're not done here . . . not by a long shot. 5 DAYS before my wife came to be tearfully expressing her never-ending love for me and pleading with me to help her, she was telling her OM that "No one ever did it for me like you do" and saying ILYs.

It's a wild ride . . . get your spew jacket ready and hang on, brother.


Starsky

[Train]

Oh, do I have some things to add to THAT! My H was texting his OW from a bar at the beach ... on a family trip ... getting ME a beer ... ONE DAY before he started coming around!

Elbow-deep in marshmallows and fondant and icing right now. But I'll be taking myself a break here shortly and will be back to add ...

[Onguard]

Thanks for encouragement. Knowing that your was's feelings switched so dramatically does give me some hope. My waw has admitted that her feelings are changing daily and that she has no idea what she is doing or what she wants. Here is the latest development:

We had previously agreed that when the time was right we would both sit down with our 13D and let her know that mom and dad were having some disagreements... Well, my waw decided that today was the day and that I didn't need to be a part of it. When I got home she told me that she had spoken to our daughter and told her that "Mom is going to move to an apartment, you will have a room with me and keep your room here, we don't know if we are going to divorce (my daughter asked) but right now we need to be apart." So, I talked to my daughter alone after hearing this. As soon as I knocked on her bedroom door she threw her arms around me and started sobbing. Which turned me into a blubbering wreck. I held her and told her that it would be ok. That we were just having a rough time but everything will be ok. Then my waw went to spinning class.

Waw is evidently very angry over being told to leave the house. I could see it oozing out of her pores. So, she told our daughter and proclaimed to me that she has some places lined up to tour tomorrow. I said "I don't appreciate you telling our daughter and not following our agreement" to which she replied, "That's you, always judging me. You should not have told me to leave the house if you didnt want our daughter involved." I walked away and she left the house.

I am heading out of town tonight and will come back Friday afternoon. I will not contact her while I am gone. I really don't think separation is going to help our cause at all. But I meant what I said about not sitting around while she waits for the AP to change his mind. She needs to feel the consequences of her choices. So far, no consequences have been felt.

Lastly, I saw my counselor today. He is suggesting that I give her some space but do not encourage separation as that rarely helps. He thinks I need to just walk the walk and love her. Basically, act as if the affair was a wake up call for both of us. Consider it over and move forward with the confidence that your wife loves you and behave in a manner that helps her to fall back in love with you. Let go of the anger and just be the best that you can be. No judgements, no control, no insecurity. This is easier said than done...