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Only thing I can suggest is if you know that you are angry or hurt, avoid having a conversation. I have made numerous bad choices and had several damaging conversations when I have felt wounded. It's a tough spot to be in, no doubt.


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I've learned that biting my tongue in the heat of the moment and giving myself a 24-hour cool-off period usually does the trick. wink


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I totally agree ...


As someone who can react emotionally. I truly believe in the 24 hour cool off rule. If you don't believe you can respond in a way that won't damage any work you've done on yourself then don't respond. You can always post here and ask for feedback if it's a conversation via email or text. If it's in person you can always politely excuse yourself. If it's not an emergency then it can wait smile


M 31 H 34
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Elsa Offline OP
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Thanks, ya'll. I am just going to have to learn to be more patient and not to give in to my impulses.

I failed again yesterday at DB'ing. H called to discuss our plans for the weekend, and once again I took the conversation off-track. At one point, he told me that he just needed to "see the writing on the wall" and accept that it's never going to be different. That's the kind of thing that would have sent me down a tunnel of despair a few months ago, but I just let him say it and told him that I still have hope that things can be different. (I suppose that was a 180, at least.) He reiterated that he doesn't want to be done. I told him that if he wants space but doesn't want to be done that he should "lean in" and the space will follow naturally. Then he got mad because he said that he tried that before and it didn't work. I ended the conversation because it clearly wasn't going well. I asked him to call me back in a few hours and he said he felt like it was the right thing to do but it would be at his expense, so I told him it was okay and we could talk later.

As I said, it was a terrible day for DB'ing.

And yet . . .

This morning, when I dropped off our D, he did exactly what I had asked him to do. He leaned in. He invited me inside. He told me he was sorry and that he felt better today. He walked me out and asked D to stay inside so that he could say goodbye to me. He hugged me and told me he loved me. He asked when I would have some free time today, and said he would call to check on me during that time.

WOW. I feel like I've been handed a huge gift. Now I really need to work on showing him that I can accept what he's giving and not push for more.


Me: 33 Him: 35
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H just called and we had a lovely conversation. He led with an apology and thanked me for being strong enough to let him go yesterday when he was upset. I also apologized and thanked him for listening and trying my suggestion. We chatted for a few minutes and made tentative plans to have a date on Tuesday. I told him that I hoped he has a nice weekend, setting the expectation that I won't contact him again for a few days. He ended the phone call with an ILY, which I reciprocated.

So now, I'm pulling back and GAL with a friend tonight.


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Very, very good.


M: 40 H: 44
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Elsa, I think maybe you are my long lost twin. Our stitches sound so similar (baby procrastination, he signed 12 month lease, I stayed in our rental but now my lease is coming to an end, I too have been surprised by how natural DB has felt to me…concerned actually). On the other hand you and your H seem to be having frequent positive interactions and there does seem to be some encouraging signs from your H. I'm a ways off that right now - first real get together since separation coming up next week.

Know that I'm rooting for you, sis!


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Thanks, ganb8te! I think I remember reading your thread a few weeks ago, before I joined the forum. I'm rooting for you too!

I called my H yesterday to talk about plans for tonight. He asked what I wanted to do, and I said that I wanted to come over to his house so that we could ML. (I know this is pursuing behavior, but we agreed to be straightforward with each other about this topic, so as to avoid missed opportunities.) H said that sounded good, but admitted that he was nervous because he doesn't know what to do if I refuse to leave afterward. I thanked him for being honest with me and told him that he doesn't have to worry about that. He clarified that he doesn't think it's a realistic concern, just that it's where his anxiety is taking him at the moment. He said he still wants me to come over.

Unfortunately, we then had to have a brief discussion about finances, which is a conversation that we have been avoiding since BD. I work, but I am not self-supporting on my current salary. I worked out a spousal support/child support calculation with my lawyer, but I never shared it with H because neither of us wanted to do a legal S. For the past month, we have continued to use the joint accounts for ordinary expenses, and I kind of assumed that we could continue on with the status quo, but last night H revealed that he has redirected his paycheck, so that won't be happening. It also sounds like we have very different ideas of what a "fair" number will be concerning support, at least until I find another job.

Any suggestions for how to have this conversation while DBing?

Last edited by Elsa; 08/05/14 05:41 PM.

Me: 33 Him: 35
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That conversation has been really tough for me. At the moment I am putting a good deal into the joint account for her to draw from and just giving myself enough to get by on. That number will dramatically drop if not be eliminated if we do D ... this was brought up in a free mediation session last week and was a big setback, not that I would leave her high and dry, but her standard of living will decrease significantly ( I seen this as a good way for her to rethink the entire thing ... without me saying/doing anything bad .... however she was still very upset with me.)

In your case, its going to be a difficult subject .... he is in a fog and may have this grand fantasy in his head and the reality may very well be something much different. All I can suggest is treat it as a formal buisness meeting and just state facts, if he starts becoming emotional and upset remove yourself and do not escalate it, just let him know you can discuss it further and a better time ... its a tough pill to swallow, let him know you know that. JMHO


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Elsa Offline OP
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Thank you for sharing your experience, CaliGuy. I think I'm the one who's more likely to take things emotionally, but I will try to keep my emotions in check when we talk again. We tend to have better results when we go out for coffee, so I'm going to suggest that for this conversation.

Just a vent: I realized today that he is still using the joint account for his incidental expenses. Why would he continue to use that account knowing that his paycheck for August was going somewhere else, and the only money in the joint account is from MY paychecks? Argh!


Me: 33 Him: 35
T: 13 M: 11
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BD, S: Jul 3rd, 2014
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