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Originally Posted By: shodan
Ox

She was saying that ("you are fun", "who is this guy, i feel like I am married to a stranger", and "why did it take me doing what I am doing to make you change") for the past several weeks. But she never said she wanted to see an MC or IC.

However, once I found out about the A (I figured this out 8 days ago), my emotions got the better of me. She was not happy that I broke into her phone, not happy that I told her that she was lying, not happy that i figured this out, etc. So I definitely set myself back from the changes that she saw. I wish that I handled better my encounter with her yesterday.

You didn't set yourself back, you just put a crack in the fantasy world she was living in. She now has consequences (if you enforce your boundaries) to her actions. Until now, it was just a lovely world where all her needs were being met, from multiple people. Now that you have crashed this world, she is mad.


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Originally Posted By: shodan
Ox

She was saying that ("you are fun", "who is this guy, i feel like I am married to a stranger", and "why did it take me doing what I am doing to make you change") for the past several weeks. But she never said she wanted to see an MC or IC.

However, once I found out about the A (I figured this out 8 days ago), my emotions got the better of me. She was not happy that I broke into her phone, not happy that I told her that she was lying, not happy that i figured this out, etc. So I definitely set myself back from the changes that she saw. I wish that I handled better my encounter with her yesterday.



Your a lot like me. We react badly and then we over think what we did and wish we can take it back.

Believe me, what you have is that you found this site early in your Sitch.

Had I followed these principles last July when I caught my wife in a borderline EA/over the top friendship when she was most confused and vulnerable, I really believe things would have not gone this far out of control.

By the time I stopped the attacks and the "Circle talking" she had ran away with the OM. He had her convinced if she came home I would do something bad to her.

I think I am at the 50/50 mark right now. The OM has shown his colors quite a bit this past week.

As they keep saying this is a marathon, just learn from your mistakes.

The hardest for me has not been changing my behaviors toward my WW its been obsessing about her and the OM.


W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21
33 years M 28
DD 3 Feb 11, 2014
S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14
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"We left our convo with her insisting they were just friends and that they are commiserating with each other. Probably how it started obviously. I know she is lying but clearly my not believing her story set her off"

My W used exact same line to hide her PA affair for four month without thinking of the damage her affair was doing to our family. It took time, luck, some Snooping and her carelessness for me to find out the truth. I was lucky to find her secret affair cell phone in her overnight bag during one of her visit home.

Going by the call log and text, W got the cell phone three weeks into the affair, but took me four month to find out about it. My mouth was wild open reading the texts. I was devastated and shocked going through over 600 text messages in one week between her and OM. The messages between them should have been rated PG 13 by ATT lol. Keep your eyes wild open man!

Now is the the time to take of shodan. focus your time and energy on you. Work on whatever need to be fix in your life and spend your free time with your kids. It work for me and can also work for you.

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shodan Offline OP
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Lost

Thank you for your advice. I know she is having a PA and she knows I know it. She just needs to admit to it.

How are things in your sitch?

Per DB, I am focusing on me and becoming a husband only a fool would leave. Right now, I know she needs space. She needs to think. My wife is going through a MLC (turned 40, father just died, trying to juggle a very demanding job with being a good mom, coaching sports, etc.). This A is an escape for her from the stress of life. I recognize that things have not been great in our M, but they were not terrible either. It is totally salvageable, but she needs to want to save it.


Last edited by shodan; 07/29/14 08:39 AM.

Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
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Today was an interesting morning. I brought my wife her coffee (something that I decided that I would continue to do) and asked how she was feeling (she has been pretty sick lately and also hurt her back, which she usually hurts when she is stressed). She said "do you mean physically or mentally?" I said "either, both." She started to talk about work, the people who were stressing her out and that a friend who recently recovered from cancer wanted to meet for coffee today. She said "that really shows you what life is all about, I am not that important, it is just a job." She started crying a bit, so I sat down on the bed to listen. She continued talking about stress from a client, stress that someone on her team is creating for her, etc. I just listened for 10 min and then she went to yoga.

So what does this have to do with me/Shodan...I did not tell her how to handle her issues, I listened, nodded, confirmed her feelings and just was present in the moment.

Other things that I am doing...I called to therapist to get an appt to discuss my controlling behavior (neither has called back yet), have my next guitar lesson on Thursday and am taking my son to Yankees/Red Sox on Saturday. My S7 is OBSESSED with baseball so the expense of the tickets is totally worth it.

Keep focus on the prize, keep focusing on me, and rock on.


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
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so i am taking action against my list from the DB coach

- keep things non-emotional (reverse of what I did yesterday smile....JUST WILL CONTINUE TO WORK ON THIS
- give her space...TOUGH WHEN WE SHARE THE SAME HOUSE BUT ONLY TEXTING ABOUT KIDS STUFF
- if she wants to talk, just listen...I DID THAT THIS MORNING
- GAL and be a bit mysterious...THIS SEEMS TO ANNOY HER WHEN I DO THIS...I DID IT SUNDAY NIGHT AND WAS OUT LAST NIGHT FOR A WORK EVENT (I HAD TOLD HER ABOUT THAT)
- show her my good qualities...I HAVE BEEN DOING THAT EVERYDAY, BEING A GREAT DAD, BEING POSITIVE
- Detach: this is her journey, not mine
- be pleasant, act as if...I DID THIS LAST NIGHT, CAME IN, ASK HOW HER EVENING WAS, ASKED ABOUT THE KIDS, BUT DID NOT MENTION THE A OR ANYTHING ELSE
- the best thing to do is to NOT do certain things...look at what has not worked and DO NOT do them again
- create a safe environment for her to come back to (if she wants)...I THINK I WILL CREATE THIS BY NOT PUTTING PRESSURE ON HER, GIVING HER SPACE
- be kind and decent, don't give her a reason to think I am argumentative or controlling...SAME AS ABOVE
- really work on what is and is not controlling. Do not think that I actually understand this. I clearly do not understand it and need to work on it...I AM SCHEDULED TO SEE A THERAPIST ON FRIDAY


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
Still living together and sharing same bed
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Originally Posted By: shodan

so i am taking action against my list from the DB coach

- keep things non-emotional (reverse of what I did yesterday smile....JUST WILL CONTINUE TO WORK ON THIS
- give her space...TOUGH WHEN WE SHARE THE SAME HOUSE BUT ONLY TEXTING ABOUT KIDS STUFF
- if she wants to talk, just listen...I DID THAT THIS MORNING
- GAL and be a bit mysterious...THIS SEEMS TO ANNOY HER WHEN I DO THIS...I DID IT SUNDAY NIGHT AND WAS OUT LAST NIGHT FOR A WORK EVENT (I HAD TOLD HER ABOUT THAT)
- show her my good qualities...I HAVE BEEN DOING THAT EVERYDAY, BEING A GREAT DAD, BEING POSITIVE
- Detach: this is her journey, not mine
- be pleasant, act as if...I DID THIS LAST NIGHT, CAME IN, ASK HOW HER EVENING WAS, ASKED ABOUT THE KIDS, BUT DID NOT MENTION THE A OR ANYTHING ELSE
- the best thing to do is to NOT do certain things...look at what has not worked and DO NOT do them again
- create a safe environment for her to come back to (if she wants)...I THINK I WILL CREATE THIS BY NOT PUTTING PRESSURE ON HER, GIVING HER SPACE
- be kind and decent, don't give her a reason to think I am argumentative or controlling...SAME AS ABOVE
- really work on what is and is not controlling. Do not think that I actually understand this. I clearly do not understand it and need to work on it...I AM SCHEDULED TO SEE A THERAPIST ON FRIDAY


Keep in mind that you should not pursue her, let her come to you. That is one item I have been really good at. I find this really helps a lot. Because when she comes to you, to talk, to give you a kiss , to whatever, it's because she wants to.
I found when she did even positive actions and I had pursued her, I would question in my brain if it was genuine or to appease me. WHY PUT YOURSELF through those emotions.

I also recommend that you don't try to figure out her emotions especially if she snaps at you or is a little standoffish . That really can cause resentment and anger to build up. The one thing Mr. bond kept getting on me about was that some of my comments to WW where out of anger. Drop the anger...


W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21
33 years M 28
DD 3 Feb 11, 2014
S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14
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Remember, sho, to find that line between listening to her "controlling" complaints ... and becoming her "gay boyfriend."

It will be easy (and, frankly, natural) for her to accuse you of being "controlling" when, in actuality, you are laying down healthy boundaries to protect your heart and your family.

Stay STRONG.


M: 40 H: 44
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Originally Posted By: Train
Remember, sho, to find that line between listening to her "controlling" complaints ... and becoming her "gay boyfriend."

It will be easy (and, frankly, natural) for her to accuse you of being "controlling" when, in actuality, you are laying down healthy boundaries to protect your heart and your family.

Stay STRONG.


Hey Train,
Sho and me are quite similar.
This is where I have a hard time. I am so much trying to not be a wee bit controlling as is Sho.

How do we react when we lay down a boundary and the WW claims we are being controlling or worse Passive Aggressive?


W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21
33 years M 28
DD 3 Feb 11, 2014
S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
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Definitely not looking to be the gay roommate. smile

Here is why I am looking for advice. I spoke with my MIL (she knows about the D announcement, I told her after she pressed me a ton on it). She told me that she has noticed my controlling ways for years and that I can have a bad temper about the smallest things. She even once said something to my W about it. I have yelled at my kids for things to the point where my D10 cried to my MIL about it (not sure how long ago this was). She said to my MIL that she must be a bad girl since "my dad always yells at me." I never realized that I was this bad. My heart broke when I heard this news.

Therefore, it sounds like my anger and control issues go WAY back and are pretty deep issues for my W (based on what my MIL said). Does that mean I ignore the A? No. I already told her that I do not want to live in an open M. But I need to be extra diligent to show her that I am a changed man (I really am..nothing like your W filing for D to make you change your habits, no matter how deeply engrained).


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
Still living together and sharing same bed
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