Hi, just having a coffee and saw your reply - yes, from what you say it is behaviour that you are comfortable with and thus even somewhat attracted to (without liking it). Many women who finally leave an abusive relationship (not a MLC one) end up with another abuser. Physically and emotionally abusive men can be very good at being very nice - baiting the trap if you like. But abuse is the dynamic.
If it really bothered them and on some level didn't work for them they would seek help to break the cycle. He probably enjoys the drama on some level, even if he denies it. I believe that it might help you to think of him as not an OK person with blips, but a damaged person capable of periods of good behaviour.
He fills your emotional needs because he knows what to say.
Have you thought what it is you get from working with the people you do? It is important work, but it might be worth considering just what draws you to it, and also what draws your co-workers to it.
It isn't a question of changing ourselves, but of greater self understanding so that we act out of volition and not reaction
How you described your relationship...Isn't that the Dance of Anger? I know it well...backwards and forwards.
He becomes distant, you work harder to please/engage or, in my case, I learned to step away/give distance...then, he blows with fireworks. Next, he is humble and HE is the one working hard to make nice...the attention is lovely and addictive after all the distance. Good times with someone so volatile are awesome. The sex is heightened, the intensity, the drama...add it all up and you have a powerful connection. Until, the cycle starts over and he distances again.
Not speaking from experience here, but I DON'T think a healthy relationship involves all that volatility. I think it's steady...maybe even a little boring to what you and I are accustomed to.
In your MLC situation, you, literally, had a shootout. A knife thrower boyfriend may seem blah after that. Seriously, the adrenalin rush is addictive.
Quote:
Recipe for Disaster
1. Does he love me?
2. He distances. He HATES me! I must work harder...(sex is never better when you are trying to convince someone they SHOULD love you)
3. POW! BAM! FIREWORKS when he blows like Vesuvius.
4. Aftermath. He's an A-HOLE! I hate HIM! I deserve better.
5. Awe...he brought flowers, he's sorry...he's just misunderstood.
6. I can help. See! This is the problem! I've found it. I can help him fix it. It's because he wasn't breastfed.
Rinse. Repeat.
The bottom line Kim: Even if it IS BPD, it's NOT YOUR PROBLEM...it's his. And, your girls deserve the attention you are giving him for his adult problems that he isn't fixing himself.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
How you described your relationship...Isn't that the Dance of Anger? I know it well...backwards and forwards.
He becomes distant, you work harder to please/engage or, in my case, I learned to step away/give distance...then, he blows with fireworks. Next, he is humble and HE is the one working hard to make nice...the attention is lovely and addictive after all the distance. Good times with someone so volatile are awesome. The sex is heightened, the intensity, the drama...add it all up and you have a powerful connection. Until, the cycle starts over and he distances again.
Not speaking from experience here, but I DON'T think a healthy relationship involves all that volatility. I think it's steady...maybe even a little boring to what you and I are accustomed to.
In your MLC situation, you, literally, had a shootout. A knife thrower boyfriend may seem blah after that. Seriously, the adrenalin rush is addictive.
Quote:
Recipe for Disaster
1. Does he love me?
2. He distances. He HATES me! I must work harder...(sex is never better when you are trying to convince someone they SHOULD love you)
3. POW! BAM! FIREWORKS when he blows like Vesuvius.
4. Aftermath. He's an A-HOLE! I hate HIM! I deserve better.
5. Awe...he brought flowers, he's sorry...he's just misunderstood.
6. I can help. See! This is the problem! I've found it. I can help him fix it. It's because he wasn't breastfed.
Rinse. Repeat.
The bottom line Kim: Even if it IS BPD, it's NOT YOUR PROBLEM...it's his. And, your girls deserve the attention you are giving him for his adult problems that he isn't fixing himself.
Mmmm sounds exactly like my h!
The whole thing about him endlessly. He's the eternal victim.
That whole anger dance must be why I keep thinking he's waiting for me to pursue him and behave badly. So he can blow up again, and make it my fault. No wonder I was emotionally drained and exhausted.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Kim, I want to see you happy and in a healthy relationship. This man is toxic in many ways and you need to run far and as fast as you can from him. He knows exactly what buttons to push and things to say to get you to come to him. Your marriage has some rough spots and you had to deal w/MLC...now it's time to step back and allow yourself to heal both mentally and emotionally and look for someone who doesn't have the NPD or BPD. Both of these personalities are toxic and professionals know that they are very difficult to treat and keep on a healthy road.
Kim, you deserve far better than someone w/either of these personality disorders...run, do not stop until you clear the other side of the road. This man is not the one for you and you do not want him in your life or your daughters' lives because he's not going to change w/o a lot of therapy and work.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I work where I do because it was the first job I had outside of the home after being a stay at home mom for 10 years. I had my CNA at one time and decided I wanted to get started in that field again.
Dance of Anger... I have that book. Not sure what this dance of anger is....
But he doesn't distance himself from me, and I don't try and pursue him and never felt like I needed to pursue him. We just gel together quite well.
Sex is always amazing between us. Our drives are a match. I've never been pressured to do anything I didn't want to ( like ex made me do)and if Im too tired some nights, he's ok with that!
His tantrums....and his issues. Im seeing them as that. Adult tantrums. And his issues. It's not my job to try and convince someone that's completely in an irrational state of mind, other than what they're wrapped up in at that time. I can state the facts and walk away until he's chilled out. Which I usually do and that just even makes him more angry!
Though to an extent he is not available to me.
I've realized that I may crave more availability, but I myself am unavailable to a certain extent too.
I think what Im seeing is that I've become very good at detaching when he or anyone else goes into a hole mode.
Then detachment goes into objective mode as if Im monitoring someone else.
I think possibly Im willing to go on a little longer because I feel in control. I can detach if needed, I have my own home and my own job, don't depend on him for anything but companionship!He's not around my children much at all and he's two hours away! I see him when I can see him, and don't allow his mental trips to ruin my life or devastate me like Xh did.
Geez, who's the shallow one now folks? Looks like its me!
K I have said my piece. You are a big girl now. Personally I think you are settling for less than. There is energy going into this relationship that you may have wished you had used elsewhere.
Anyway, you are mature enough to know the choices you are making and to live with them, so good luck.
LOl.... I know how insane this looks you guys, really I do!!
That is why I came here because no where else will I get true honest opinions and insights. I appreciate them, and they are being weighed heavily.
What's been discussed here is nothing that hasn't crossed my mind in regards to him this last year at any rate.
Im going to throw something out here, which may result in more 2 by 4's which is ok. And you guys might feel Im thinking like an MLCer....hmm, maybe that's what's going on with me! LOL
Does anyone believe in soul mates or twin soul unions?
I see this man for every flaw that he has, and I don't have any expectations of him. I don't expect to change him.
This is what he is. This is what Im getting if I choose to walk on with him.
Yet I can't explain this connection or bond I feel with him!
I mean seriously in the solar plexus guys.
So lets switch the subject.... do any of us feel after MLC boot camp that there is such thing as a soul mate, twin soul, or it's just meant to be?
If so, what are the signs that this is meant to be for you as a person?
