You speak to her and about her like she's a child. IMO, that has no place in a meaningful romantic relationship. Regardless of what she's done, you don't have any right to act like her parent and it's certainly not bringing you two closer.
You speak to her and about her like she's a child. IMO, that has no place in a meaningful romantic relationship. Regardless of what she's done, you don't have any right to act like her parent and it's certainly not bringing you two closer.
I don't disagree.
At the same time, W continues to act irresponsibly, and she and her two friends continue to conspire against me to see what they can get me to pay for while W investigates D. They're playing a childish game, and I'm done being played.
No doubt that I need to stay above it. The challenge is how to be the responsible one, maintain my boundaries, and not come off as condescending.
Just as you cannot run your business without a phone, we cannot have a successful marriage, either financially or emotionally, without commitment.
You are demanding that I asking me to renew a multi-year contract in my name to provide you with a cell phone. Without any commitment from you to our marriage, I have no reason to believe that I will meet the two year contract term and I will be subject to early termination fees.
When we started to discuss this a few days ago, you hung up on me. If you want to have a conversation with me, and you want me to respond to your texts, I expect to be treated respectfully. --------> move this to make it the OPENING paragraph.
This isn't a matter of control; it's uncertainty. The reality of our situation is that some decisions that used to be simple in a long term committed relationship may no longer make sense for me.
My position regarding our marriage has not changed. If you commit to working with me seriously, honestly and exclusively, I have committed to you that I will put everything on the table so that we can start fresh and find solutions that satisfy both of us.
When we started to discuss this a few days ago, you hung up on me. If you want to have a conversation with me, and you want me to respond to your texts, I expect to be treated respectfully.
You are asking me to renew a multi-year contract in my name to provide you with a cell phone. Without any commitment from you to our marriage, I have no reason to believe that I will meet the two year contract term and I will be subject to early termination fees.
This isn't a matter of control; it's uncertainty. The reality of our situation is that some decisions that used to be simple in a long term committed relationship may no longer make sense for me.
Z
Thanks, Starsky. Concise, less preachy, and doesn't repeat things I've already said.
Would it be worth asking her if she has any other ideas that might work for both of you? (Validate her concern about her need for a phone. ..while trying to problem solve collaboratively). Or, offering her an alternative solution that might work for you as well? Maybe she Is panicked and can't see any other solutions? Can you show her that you can stay calm and offer a possible solution in a collaborative (not condescending) way?
And just a personal note, the way my H would phrase things was always a trigger for me...he would say, "why don't you..." in a (to me) demanding way, which for some reason drove me nuts. It's a small thing, but saying "what if you..." or "is it possible for you to..." would have sounded better to me.
I don't know that I want to go there. I mean, yes, generally I want to be collaboratively solving problems associated with our M.
This is the cell phone she uses to constantly text OM in front of me and kids. And to text with the conspiring girlfriends.
She claimed this is a phone required to run her business. If that's the case, shouldn't her business pay for the phone? And if she can't afford business expenses, isn't that what business loans are for?
There's also wired phone on her desk that works perfectly well. Granted, she's not home all the time, but where is she all the time?
And she gets her first commission check next week. So couldn't she be buying her own business phone with her own business proceeds?
Or maybe the money spent at the tanning spa, etc. would be better spent on her business.
See, she's played me so much that I have a hard time seeing this as anything other than just another expense she tries to drop on me before she bails. She relies on the Bank of Zew to fix everything.
I have to stop being the guy that fixes everything. She calls it paternalistic and resents it, while at the same time depending on it. It's a lose-lose for me.
I don't know that I want to go there. I mean, yes, generally I want to be collaboratively solving problems associated with our M.
This is the cell phone she uses to constantly text OM in front of me and kids. And to text with the conspiring girlfriends.
She claimed this is a phone required to run her business. If that's the case, shouldn't her business pay for the phone? And if she can't afford business expenses, isn't that what business loans are for?
There's also wired phone on her desk that works perfectly well. Granted, she's not home all the time, but where is she all the time?
And she gets her first commission check next week. So couldn't she be buying her own business phone with her own business proceeds?
Or maybe the money spent at the tanning spa, etc. would be better spent on her business.
See, she's played me so much that I have a hard time seeing this as anything other than just another expense she tries to drop on me before she bails. She relies on the Bank of Zew to fix everything.
I have to stop being the guy that fixes everything. She calls it paternalistic and resents it, while at the same time depending on it. It's a lose-lose for me.
Agree. If/when you guys ever get to the reconciliation phase, there are things we can help you with to better work collaboratively with your wife. Trying to do so on the cellphone she uses to conduct her affair, at THIS stage, wouldn't be the best time.
Nothing wrong with an airy "Hey, love to help you out if you can see another way, but I'm just not willing to take on that long-term commitment right now, considering where things are with our marriage" thing. But I wouldn't waffle on the underlying position if I were you.
See, she's played me so much that I have a hard time seeing this as anything other than just another expense she tries to drop on me before she bails. She relies on the Bank of Zew to fix everything.
I have to stop being the guy that fixes everything. She calls it paternalistic and resents it, while at the same time depending on it. It's a lose-lose for me.
