Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 7 of 15 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 14 15
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 172
D
DBinSF Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 172
I get it. I'm just fixated on how much I had and how much I've lost.


Me: 39 - W: 35
Together: 2 years, no kids
My Affair: 1.5 years
Affair ended: 4/9/14
Affair revealed: 5/19/14
Last Contact: 8/2/14
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
We know DBin. We all get it. Trust me.

The reason we are fixated on growth is for two big reasons. One, as you know, is that it is your best chance to get what you want 'specifically'. A miraculous recovery of a special someone.

But moreover it's your ONLY chance to get what you want in LIFE.

You've paid for a lesson. You've paid for it with a loss, and with a lot of pain. We want you to learn the lesson so that you don't have to pay for it again and again with future relationships and furthermore with future dissatisfaction with yourself and your life.

You were here before and didn't learn the lessons. I hate to say this to you...but we don't want you back! Unless it's to help others!

So it's ok to be aware of just what the lesson cost. Just make sure to get your pain's worth.

So let me ask the important question. If you were told by God himself that this relationship was never coming back...what changes would you make for yourself to improve your life?

PS- proud of you for not self medicating. That's not much growth by itself (it is in a way) but opens up the possibility of growth that self medication interferes with.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 172
D
DBinSF Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 172
Thanks, Zeus. I realize that the ONLY gift in this situation is that I get to hit rock bottom and push off again with tremendous force. I get to FINALLY learn to be the man I've always wanted to be. The man this woman saw in me when we first got together before he crawled into a cave and let the depressed love addict take over.

I have books and businesses and dreams inside me that have never come out. I've lived with fear of failure, fear of being "found out" as a fake, fear of intimacy and commitment. I have never had that cool, calm self-confidence of the men I admire. I've PRETENDED to have it for years, and I people often believe me, but it never lasts.

My job now is to nurture that man. To cultivate a new way of living. To cease being selfish, self-serving, dishonest, and fearful, and to start being giving, loving, honest, and courageous.

I get it. I really do. The work seems daunting. It's like a dark tunnel. I think it will get even darker before I see any light at the end.

Any specific tips or resources for building self-worth would be appreciated. I'm working with a therapist and going to 12 step. Any other books, forums, or community members to be in touch with?

-DB


Me: 39 - W: 35
Together: 2 years, no kids
My Affair: 1.5 years
Affair ended: 4/9/14
Affair revealed: 5/19/14
Last Contact: 8/2/14
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 172
D
DBinSF Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 172
The mornings are the hardest. The empty bed. My tiny apartment in the city. We used to live at her place out by the beach. We'd wake up to the sound of waves crashing. My eyes would open, and I'd see her already awake, gazing at me with a good morning smile on her face. We'd have breakfast together and talk about what was on tap for the day.

I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for hurting her so much. I can't really comprehend how I could look so much love in the eye and do what I did. This wasn't an affair out of boredom or routine. This was simply feeling like I needed "more" to feel good about myself. More power. More adventure.

My relationship was very stable and domesticated from the outset. She was SO sweet and SO kind, but something about that made my body think it wasn't fun or electric. I'm one of those people who only feels alive when there's a controversy or tons of passion. I know I need to get over that if I'm ever going to be happy in a stable, loving relationship.

And in the meantime, I miss her like the sun. I see how worthy of my love she is. I know exactly what I lost. She was the love of my life, and as Maybell said, I took her heart out and stomped on it. The guilt of totally overwhelming. The desire to make it right with her overcomes me sometimes.

Today is 20 days of No Contact. Which feels like 20 days without eating. It's the hardest thing I've ever done.

DB


Me: 39 - W: 35
Together: 2 years, no kids
My Affair: 1.5 years
Affair ended: 4/9/14
Affair revealed: 5/19/14
Last Contact: 8/2/14
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
It gets easier.

Rather than getting over your need for excitement, can you channel it? The body has truth too. It's not necessarily something to master.

What are some positive ways you could use or release that energy?


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 334
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 334
Originally Posted By: DB
I have books and businesses and dreams inside me that have never come out. I've lived with fear of failure, fear of being "found out" as a fake, fear of intimacy and commitment. I have never had that cool, calm self-confidence of the men I admire. I've PRETENDED to have it for years, and I people often believe me, but it never lasts.


You sound remarkably like my H....who also had an affair. Who claims that he loves me still. Who was unable to shut off the affair when I asked him, too.

He also feels like he's a failure, and worried about being "found out" as someone who didn't have as much experience as other men.

What makes you think that MOST people aren't faking it?

Honestly - I'm someone who feels this way in other areas of my life...My IC called it "the imposter" syndrome. I think a lot of people feel like they're going to be exposed as a fraud at any time. I call it the superiority-inferiority complex. I'm better than most folks at x, but I'm not really as good as the people around me.

I hope that you get a chance to prove yourself right to your fiancee. I will tell you that 21 years into a relationship with my H, I never in a million years would have believed you if you told me that he would hurt me on purpose. But he did. He absolutely chose to hurt me, and he chose not to stop hurting me, because he was addicted to this other broken human being. There is something so painful, so devastatingly awful, when the person you have entrusted your heart to does this to you. At one point I thought that he could make it up to me...the longer this goes, the more I wonder. I know that my view on romantic love has altered as a result of this event.

Best of luck to you on working through your issues and on restoring your relationship.

Last edited by MLP; 07/29/14 01:27 PM.
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 172
D
DBinSF Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 172
Thanks. I had broken off the affair before she found out. I have had ZERO sexual interest or interaction with anyone since we split 2.5 months ago. I wish I could say she had hopes of reconciliation, but all I've heard from her from the beginning is, "It's over, go away, leave me alone, how could I trust you again?"

I know this will stoke some resentment and push back from members of the community, but part of me gets angry and upset that she is being so black and white about the whole thing. She's the victim and I'm the perpetrator. She's spent very little energy on trying to understand ME and WHY this may have happened. I know that doesn't matter to her. She's said, "It doesn't matter WHY it happened, It matters THAT is happened." I understand that, but I also feel like if we really had a deep love that she'd want to put her anger aside and talk about it. No?

I mean, I never PURPOSEFULLY hurt her. That would imply malicious intent. My affair was a result of delusional thinking -- thinking that I NEEDED another person to feel whole, thinking I'd never get caught, thinking what you don't know can't hurt you. It was all SICK, distorted thinking. But at no point did I decide "I'm going to hurt this woman who loves me so much." Yes, that was the result of my terrible, awful decisions, and I own that, but I'd warn against ascribing ill-intent to those actions.

I know this community says to wait and let her heal. But I get so scared that the longer I wait, the further she goes away from me. I know my efforts to maintain contact have only upset her. I'm hearing the crystal clear advice from Bond, Maybell, Zeus and others. I'm just wondering how we know these tactics work? Is it from your own experience?

I'd love to learn more...


Me: 39 - W: 35
Together: 2 years, no kids
My Affair: 1.5 years
Affair ended: 4/9/14
Affair revealed: 5/19/14
Last Contact: 8/2/14
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 172
D
DBinSF Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 172
Positive ways to use or release my body energy?

I currently lead bootcamps for free for anyone who wants them. I sometimes dance and sing, but haven't done much since we split. I can barely get my self out of bed in the morning, let along go dancing. Also, I don't think I can touch a woman like that right now. I'm completely asexual.

How else would you recommending I use/harness that energy?


Me: 39 - W: 35
Together: 2 years, no kids
My Affair: 1.5 years
Affair ended: 4/9/14
Affair revealed: 5/19/14
Last Contact: 8/2/14
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
Sex is obviously not a good use go your energy right now.

The other things you listed are good, keep moving forward. These things take time.

Have you considered an anti-depressant?


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 172
D
DBinSF Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 172
And I know my message above about getting angry that she won't work this out with me with spark some strong responses that I "Still don't get it." I would say it's accurate that I still don't get it. And I'm aware that my emotions are a roller coaster from petulant and selfish to remorseful and compassionate.

I'm sure I will stay on the roller coaster for a while longer...


Me: 39 - W: 35
Together: 2 years, no kids
My Affair: 1.5 years
Affair ended: 4/9/14
Affair revealed: 5/19/14
Last Contact: 8/2/14
Page 7 of 15 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 14 15

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard