Wife walked aways (two months ago now) new thread

[Zues126]

Big Mac, I'd be cautious about that. I don't like to initiate communication with a friendly tone unnecessarily, let her control the amount of 'strokes' exchanged and leave her a tiny bit hungry for more. Besides, she might be trying to show off how well she's doing without you, etc.

What I would do is have that as a casual 'talking point', so next time you see her IF the situation permits or the conversation allows you could drop a phrase like "glad you're doing well". Or if she sent you an email you could reply with something similar, "It's good to see you doing well". But keep it really brief, casual, and off the cuff, worked in around the response you give to whatever conversation SHE initiates.

That's just me though. I really feel like letting them control the frequency and friendliness of interactions is better than trying to 'edge in' or 'warm things up'.

Take care bud!

[BigMac]

Thanks Nettles,

I'll be in SoCo / South Austin. I'll reach out to her.

[sandi2]

Does the WAW in an A journey parallel the stages of MLC?

The symptoms are very similar.

[BigMac]

Sandi2 - so what are the differences? Timeline, motivation,

Should I expect the progression through stages to be similar too?

[BigMac]

Zues126 now that I am on a laptop vs my little phone screen I saw your note.

I've been playing with different contact methods. The more I well, detach the less I care about not reaching out to her as a strong and fast rule. There is a bunch of moving business that has to get done.

I was so afraid of her reactions, that I would have anxiety about reaching out. Now, I am starting to clearly understand that a WAW in an A is basically driven insane by her conflicting emotions. Some days she's good, some days she's bad.

There is absolutely nothing I can do to make her like me, make her happy. She has to work through that on her own. All I can do is just keep finding my true self. My happy, confident, loving, big hearted (even while broken) self.

For the longest time, I was so hung up on why I didn't feel that she loved me. I think both of us just didn't love ourselves. How could we love each other. I'm starting to love me just a little bit more now. I'm actually being kinda happy with the me that I am turning out to be.

Thanks everyone.

[Zues126]

Good for you Big Mac! I'm there with you bud. Funny you say that, I've had a similar experience.

I initiated an email exchange (at the advice of my DB coach though) that was a teeny bit more open than we had been for a while. Not emotions about her, but just how I was a little scared of taking on more parental responsibility at a time when my kids are going through so much, how I know it's a sensitive situation and I don't want to mess it up.

Then, she asked me if I could watch the kids for her next Sunday a little early so she could go to a baby shower. She then mentioned a trip she was taking and how she wasn't sure if she was taking the dog because she got car sick, but wasn't sure what to do. I told her I'd be happy to come early and that I love spending time with the kids. I went on to say it's nice we can be flexible so if there's something cool going on I want to take my son to we can discuss it, and likewise if she wants to go out some evening to consider letting me have first option of watching them. Finally I mentioned that if the dog was left behind I'd be happy to help take care of her (I didn't say stay at the house full time, I left it vague).

Again, it seemed a semi tone more friendly, but it wasn't invasive of boundaries, had no expectations, and had nothing to do with feelings towards each other. I felt ok with it because it was very laid back.

And FINALLY (here's where this is not a total hi-jack) I am starting to feel the same way. I'm starting to like who I am and the life I have. I'm not desperate or needy, or on pins and needles about how she'll react. I'm just being myself in a way that I feel represents my BEST self. And since I was reasonably detached I felt it was no biggie. You're right...at some point going to the extreme of NEVER initiating a call is just abnormal in life and communicates that you're either pissed off or playing a game. I just think it's a good guideline in general because it's easy to rationalize pursuit and hard to mess up no contact.

Keep going Big Mac, I'm celebrating your growth and each day it gets easier to be strong!

[sandi2]

Sandi2 - so what are the differences? Timeline, motivation,

Should I expect the progression through stages to be similar too?

I believe it was in Divorce Remedy.

[BigMac]

Had a contact yesterday. I am working out of the new town this week. This time when I was in town I told her since I am a little less uncomfortable with dealing with her.

I also noted that she had said that she only had two pairs of pants when she left (there are probably 30 pairs of jeans in her closet at home). Being a nice guy, I packed a couple pairs of her jeans in my cary on. Though, I figure that she was lying as the CC bills I saw were full of Nordstroms purchases. Either way, I thought I would do something nice and bring a few pairs along.

The odd thing is, I brought it up that I had them in the car, and she didn't want to grab them (excuse was time). But suggested we get together the day after.

We ended up making loose plans to have coffee yesterday. Though yet again she was stringing me along and not being very respectful of my schedule. I finally called her up and nailed down a time / location.

This was all business. I put together a proposed agenda so we could stay on topic. She was very uptight, and carrying so much resentment. I know she must be going through a lot, but it is very exhausting to have treated her with compassion at every moment over the past couple months and to have her treat me like some evil person.

I did bring up a list of things I wanted to do with the kids, segregating phone bills and insurance. Basically putting a reality check in front of her. She wants to be separate, she wants to date other men. Well, then she can be an adult paying for her own bills, dealing with her own emergencies.

She was a bit miffed that she had to pay for her own deposit on her rental home, and said that she "Asked" me. All she did was hint, and I advocated for my own needs. This came up, and I reminded her that I have been working on myself, working on the co-dependant behaviors that were very destructive in our relationship.

So, it was a bit tense. She was getting ready to go on a date with the OP. But I held my ground. I set the tone of the meeting. I was firm, but compassionate. I put on a bit of heat about the reality of the situation. I think I did good.

It looks like we are getting together tonight after her work, this time just to hang out (I mentioned that in one of my communication courses that a 5/1 ratio of just BS to hard talk is necessary to maintain positive interactions). This time we have a pinky swear just to hang out. I'm hoping it should be fun. Or it may be a giant disaster, either way it is a step forward.

[BigMac]

Sandi2 - I'll have to re-read that chapter in DR. I'm on my 3rd time reading through the book. I seem to learn something new every time.

[sandi2]

IMO, you are giving mixed messages. You go pack her jeans and take to her, saying you were being the nice guy. You said even though she was lying, you thought you would do something nice for her. So you have no qualms about that?

The odd thing is, I brought it up that I had them in the car, and she didn't want to grab them (excuse was time). But suggested we get together the day after.

How she responded was not odd for a WW. What you did was odd, IMO. You were trying to make points, and it failed. She could have cared less that you went out of your way to pack her clothes.

We ended up making loose plans to have coffee yesterday. Though yet again she was stringing me along and not being very respectful of my schedule. I finally called her up and nailed down a time / location.

Look at your own words. You are pushing her and she is stringing you along. "We" (But I bet it was you pushing) "ended up" (meaning she finally agreed) "loose plans" (nothing definite) "called her" (chasing) "nailed down" (persistence and not getting the hint she didn't want to go).

This was all business. I put together a proposed agenda so we could stay on topic. She was very uptight, and carrying so much resentment. I know she must be going through a lot, but it is very exhausting to have treated her with compassion at every moment over the past couple months and to have her treat me like some evil person.

What you see as compassion in yourself, may not be what she sees. When you pursue and push to be with her, do things for her.....she doesn't see compassion there. She's not looking for compassion from you. Can you understand that? She resents you and wants away from you. It is smothering to her. She may not intentionally stringing you along, but rather just tries to get out of spending these times with you. She should be more blunt and tell you to forget it, but maybe you won't take no for an answer.

She wants to be separate, she wants to date other men. Well, then she can be an adult paying for her own bills, dealing with her own emergencies.

Yes, she needs to put her big girl panties on! No more playing Mr. Nice Guy stuff.

Then your last paragraph goes back to mixed messages. You just said she wants to separate and date OM. You said she needs a reality check and be an adult. But then you say this:

It looks like we are getting together tonight after her work, this time just to hang out

This time we have a pinky swear just to hang out.

I'm hoping it should be fun. Or it may be a giant disaster, either way it is a step forward.

You want to hang out and have fun with a person who has clearly stated she wants to leave you and date OM. Then you do a real "adult" action of sealing with a pinky swear. Maybe that was from her, IDK. But regardless of how it goes, you see it a step forward? Why? B/c spending a little time with her, in your opinion must be a step forward?