Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 10 of 11 1 2 8 9 10 11
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
Still talking about your W and the OM.

You can't seem to stop.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 505
O
Oxford1 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 505
Originally Posted By: MrBond
Still talking about your W and the OM.

You can't seem to stop.


How do I discuss how things are going with me without her if she's such a big part of why I am here?

In terms of me I am excited that my 21 year old son has moved back home for now.
He's a great son and he and I plan on doing some of the things we used to, like fishing, camping etc.

My thing is to get some rest after driving home all day in a large Uhaul while the rest if the family where in their luxury cars.

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: Oxford1
Ok I followed the advice in what to say when "dates" are brought up.

Like what?



So now we saw a commercial for a restaurant and her comment was oh that place is great I ate there last week we should go together.

In these case I just don't say anything...I don't see anything wrong with going to a restaurant she enjoys.


I must be missing something. Why would you have ANY problem with a commercial or her comment? I am confused.

Do you ASSUME she ate there with OM? Is that it? So, then you assume that she also decided to comment on that, to YOU? Really?



Things are well this morning... It's kind I like a 1950's sitcom.
We are in a hotel in separate beds.


So they ARE or are NOT "Well"? ^^^ What' are you saying?

She never changes etc in front of me, but she has no problem if I am in boxers and a shirt. She likes when I don't have a shirt on and commented on it last night.


It's like we are married in every way except for physical contact.


I'm sure that is difficult but hey, it's temporary. It really is.

You guys either work this out and restore/recreate your marriage so that it's truly close, or it ends --in TIME.

But for now this is how it is.

As hard as it is, don't forget there are many of us who have been there
or even those of us who were military---we've been apart for months to over a year at a time - and more than once.

It will pass, one way or the other. You are Not powerless.


I have heard if WW's that don't want to be anywhere near their BS.
In my case I am just trying to figure out what to do next.


What does "don't want to be near Their BS" mean?
and what is there to figure out if things are going smoothly right now?


We talks about things to do together all the way to next summer.

We have intimate conversations about the children etc. It's all good stuff...


Indeed it is "ALL GOOD STUFF" ^^^^


The but is that I just can't break the hold of the OM.




it was all good stuff UNTIL YOU brought up "the hold of the OM".

Do you mean the hold HE has on YOU? OR what? I"m lost b/c you say all these signs of progress and you and your w are getting along but you keep on going back to OM.

why? B/C your w is not ready to be intimate with you?

That MAY HAVE NOTHING to do with him.

Do you get that? He was never the "Cause" of your problems, so even his absence won't fix things.


That part is up to YOU and your w.
How are your GAL and 180s going?

What are they now?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
"How do I discuss how things are going with me without her if she's such a big part of why I am here?"

Because she SHOULDN'T be a big part of you being here. That's the point. Are you here to complain about your W and OM or are you here to save your M? Concentrating solely on your W and OM shackles you from doing anything else.

The only way to improve things is to focus on yourself and the GOOD things that are coming out of it. In fact, you even said your C told you you focused too much on your W. When are you going to catch the hint?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 505
O
Oxford1 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 505
Originally Posted By: MrBond
"How do I discuss how things are going with me without her if she's such a big part of why I am here?"

Because she SHOULDN'T be a big part of you being here. That's the point. Are you here to complain about your W and OM or are you here to save your M? Concentrating solely on your W and OM shackles you from doing anything else.

The only way to improve things is to focus on yourself and the GOOD things that are coming out of it. In fact, you even said your C told you you focused too much on your W. When are you going to catch the hint?


ahh thanks for clarifying . I guess I thought that I was supposed to be including things between W and me. I understand that the OM was supposed to be ignored I just did not get the not getting help with my wife .


W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21
33 years M 28
DD 3 Feb 11, 2014
S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 505
O
Oxford1 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 505
"it was all good stuff UNTIL YOU brought up "the hold of the OM".

Do you mean the hold HE has on YOU? OR what? I"m lost b/c you say all these signs of progress and you and your w are getting along but you keep on going back to OM.

why? B/C your w is not ready to be intimate with you?

That MAY HAVE NOTHING to do with him.I realize this, but maybe you can help me understand what this is about

Do you get that? He was never the "Cause" of your problems, so even his absence won't fix things.I am 180 degrees different then I was at the start of our issues. I don't get angry anymore. I have learned how to calm her down when she gets angry.

I don't let things out of my control upset or make me nervous (except for the marital crises
frown


That part is up to YOU and your w. How are your GAL and 180s going?

My 180's are going great. I really am showing Myselfthe man I can be.

The GAL is as good as I could get it until now. I mean I go to the Gym without her during the week. I am not however able to do a lot of things completely away from her. We have been busy with moving my S21 and his Fiancee home and setting up his apartment etc..I was supposed to spend a couple of days on a boat fishing with a bud, but we had to delay that because of his kids.


What are they now?

My big 180 now has been to not talk about the future, to not pursue her.

One big one I have to focus on is not getting into conversations about whats she did unless she starts them. For some reason my w believes if a husband asks anything about what his wife did, its for one reason only "Control"

So I really have to let her start those conversations.

Another 180 is to try and spend less time thinking about my sitch.



_________________________

Last edited by Oxford1; 08/11/14 11:14 AM.

W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21
33 years M 28
DD 3 Feb 11, 2014
S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 428
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 428
Ox, I was in a similar S as you months back. My W admitted that she let me come back too soon and was not over OM yet. I drove myself crazy looking at the phone records and knowing that she was still texting him all day every day. It wore me down and caused me to act in a way that was counterproductive to what I was trying to accomplish. My W would lie to my face and tell me there was no contact at all. Luckily she had been able to see the positive changes that I had made which seems to be the case with you.

During this time, when my W would see me acting down and stand offish and she would tell me I was only pushing her away. It was the hardest thing I've ever done to come home from work and act happy when I knew what she was hiding from me. I knew that I could not go on like that anymore. Thanks to the tough love on here from starsky and mr. bond I finally grew a set and told her it was either NC with OM or I was gone.

This was not easy for me to do, but I realized the pattern we were in would never make me happy or get our M on a good track. My W agreed and changed her phone number, gave me access to her email and took the pass code off her phone.

W did go through some what of a withdrawl for a month or more. During this time it allowed me to show her the man I had become knowing there was NC with OM to bring me down. I can now say we are the happiest we have ever been. Had I not finally taken a stand, I have no idea where we would be today.

Will you're W get pissed at you and fight it at first? Most likely yes. Will she gain respect for you and not see you as so much of a weak push over? I'm sure the answer to that is yes as well. I cant tell you what you think is the right move for you, but the dynamic you have now is getting you nowhere from what I can see.

And the whole we are just friends crap and I will not stop talking to him is complete BS. My W tried the same crap with me. He needs to be completely out of her life if things are ever going to work for you.


separated since 9/01/13
M-31
W-36
D-4
Move back home 12/26/13
3 months of tough times
Finally in a happy M
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 505
O
Oxford1 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 505
I thanks you! This is where I am at.
My S21 and his fiancée are here and are supporting me doing this as well.

I have a timeframe in mind and fully intend to put my foot down.

Is your wife a strong willed person?
I guess because my wife is I have been afraid if pushing her to hard to soon.

How do you know when your in the last mile of the Marathon.


W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21
33 years M 28
DD 3 Feb 11, 2014
S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
Ox,

Originally Posted By: Oxford1
I have a timeframe in mind and fully intend to put my foot down.


^^ You've been saying this for eons. Chit now or get off the pot.

Bond
Starsky
Indigo
Train

All these four DBers put in healthy and firm boundaries on the OM/OW. They consistently enforced it day in and day out. Their outcomes? Affairs busted and happily restored marriages.

Are they all wrong here??!!

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Originally Posted By: Oxford1
I have a timeframe in mind and fully intend to put my foot down.


You know what Admiral Stockdale said about timeframe's?

Stop waiting for some arbitrary point of time.


Me-70, D37,S36
Page 10 of 11 1 2 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard