Thanks for the honest feedback and pep talk. We left our convo with her insisting they were just friends and that they are commiserating with each other. Probably how it started obviously. I know she is lying but clearly my not believing her story set her off.
Last night, I went over to see some friends and came home around 9pm. She was in bed and did not really speak with me. After 10 min of me in bed with her. she took her book and slept downstairs on the couch. This morning, I saw her, said good morning and we chatted briefly about her and my day. I have work plans tonight, so I won't be home. I believe she will be in NYC Wed/Thr.
One thing that I know is that if we don't work on our R and M, and we do divorce with a lot of resentment and issues going unresolved, the kids will be hurt in the long run. They need two parents who can be parents together, even if they are divorced. Not parents with resentment towards each other. And we cannot work on that until she is honest with me and of course, drops the OM.
Not sure how I say that to her. I said most of that yesterday but not the point about our relationship post divorce. ANY ADVICE?
My goals for this week: - find a therapist to help me with this M and my control issues - speak with my DB coach today - Find ways to GAL...I have seen some friends that past few nights, who have been super supportive. They said to come by whenever. It does help to chat with people about my sitch and just do something without her on my mind (tough to do)
I also need to get my mind ready for being a single/divorce parent. I need to detach from her.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
Another thing I wanted to ask about...my wife did a search for a disney cruise. I assume she wants to take the kids without me. I guess I just act like it is not a big deal, even though inside I want to be with my kids on vacation. She has not booked it but I doubt she will tell me when she does.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
Thanks for the honest feedback and pep talk. We left our convo with her insisting they were just friends and that they are commiserating with each other. Probably how it started obviously. I know she is lying but clearly my not believing her story set her off.
Last night, I went over to see some friends and came home around 9pm. She was in bed and did not really speak with me. After 10 min of me in bed with her. she took her book and slept downstairs on the couch. This morning, I saw her, said good morning and we chatted briefly about her and my day. I have work plans tonight, so I won't be home. I believe she will be in NYC Wed/Thr.
One thing that I know is that if we don't work on our R and M, and we do divorce with a lot of resentment and issues going unresolved, the kids will be hurt in the long run. They need two parents who can be parents together, even if they are divorced. Not parents with resentment towards each other. And we cannot work on that until she is honest with me and of course, drops the OM.
Not sure how I say that to her. I said most of that yesterday but not the point about our relationship post divorce. ANY ADVICE?
My goals for this week: - find a therapist to help me with this M and my control issues - speak with my DB coach today - Find ways to GAL...I have seen some friends that past few nights, who have been super supportive. They said to come by whenever. It does help to chat with people about my sitch and just do something without her on my mind (tough to do)
I also need to get my mind ready for being a single/divorce parent. I need to detach from her.
The just friends is always a cover up for an EA. When I caught my wife last year, first she cries to me and says I love him I need to call and make sure he got home safely.
Then when I blocked his numbers on the cell phone I pay for she was crying and carrying on like a little girl whose BFF just moved.
Then of course I thought there was no contact etc..
Now she's back to the we are just good friends there is no PA. Meanwhile I know he thinks he's her husband and she has been spending crazy hours showing him around. Just good friends my arse!
Remember don't believe anything she tells you! I just tell you a little of my history so you can see how ridiculous they sound...but they all sound the same.
Oh and the Disney thing can be to just get you angry! Don't act like it bothers you. Don't ask if you can go...believe me I learned this from experience...the best acting my WW did was on a family vacation two weeks after DD1 and 6 weeks before DD3!
I also need to get my mind ready for being a single/divorce parent. Stinkin' thinkin'. Stop. No, you don't need to get your mind ready for being a single/divorced parent. You need to get your mind ready to fight for your family.
One thing that I know is that if we don't work on our R and M, and we do divorce with a lot of resentment and issues going unresolved, the kids will be hurt in the long run. They need two parents who can be parents together, even if they are divorced. Not parents with resentment towards each other. And we cannot work on that until she is honest with me and of course, drops the OM.
Not sure how I say that to her. You don't. You don't say anything AT ALL to her about your relationship right now. That time has passed. You also realize that you're projecting a lot up there. And you're thinking you're gonna fix this in a day. You won't. There's plenty of time here, sho. Plenty of time.
Last night, I went over to see some friends and came home around 9pm. Perfect.
She was in bed and did not really speak with me. After 10 min of me in bed with her. she took her book and slept downstairs on the couch. Give her space and room and time to pout. Stand your ground. And do not leave the marital bed.
my wife did a search for a disney cruise. I assume she wants to take the kids without me. I guess I just act like it is not a big deal, even though inside I want to be with my kids on vacation. She has not booked it but I doubt she will tell me when she does. Stinkin' thinkin'. And LOTS of assumptions. Assumptions are not your friend. Let this play out. Ignore it. Don't say anything at all about it right now. Let her bring it up.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Her advice - keep things non-emotional (reverse of what I did yesterday - give her space - if she wants to talk, just listen - GAL and be a bit mysterious - show her my good qualities - Detach: this is her journey, not mine - be pleasant, act as if - the best thing to do is to NOT do certain things...look at what has not worked and DO NOT do them again - create a safe environment for her to come back to (if she wants) - be kind and decent, don't give her a reason to think I am argumentative or controlling - really work on what is and is not controlling. Do not think that I actually understand this. I clearly do not understand it and need to work on it
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
Her advice - keep things non-emotional (reverse of what I did yesterday - give her space - if she wants to talk, just listen - GAL and be a bit mysterious - show her my good qualities - Detach: this is her journey, not mine - be pleasant, act as if - the best thing to do is to NOT do certain things...look at what has not worked and DO NOT do them again - create a safe environment for her to come back to (if she wants) - be kind and decent, don't give her a reason to think I am argumentative or controlling - really work on what is and is not controlling. Do not think that I actually understand this. I clearly do not understand it and need to work on it
All this works!
Believe me I have really Been focused on all of these things myself and the MC says the WAS has noticed!l Just keep doing it...I was and also am somewhat controlling...this is the hardest thing to change.
The best feeling is when the spouse you thought was looking for a divorce comes to you and says:
" why are you acting this way? Why did you not be like this before...I think I need to see a counselor (or coach) I am so so conflicted"
At least those quoted words can make you feel like you have made some progress and there is hope after all!
She was saying that ("you are fun", "who is this guy, i feel like I am married to a stranger", and "why did it take me doing what I am doing to make you change") for the past several weeks. But she never said she wanted to see an MC or IC.
However, once I found out about the A (I figured this out 8 days ago), my emotions got the better of me. She was not happy that I broke into her phone, not happy that I told her that she was lying, not happy that i figured this out, etc. So I definitely set myself back from the changes that she saw. I wish that I handled better my encounter with her yesterday.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
