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Quote:
So I fixed and changed all I could. Some were ridiculous, like he hated that I had pores on my nose.... (Wth? And he graciously stayed married to me with such a hideous issue? So noble of him.)


Lolol - I've heard a lot of ridiculous WAS complaints, but this is a good one! (My ex told me I "walked too heavy" - and worse yet, that I had deliberately taught our daughter to walk too heavy!!!)

SO - first things first - your priority right now needs to be YOUR KIDS and yourself. They are going through considerable upheaval due to your choice of a husband, they don't need or deserve for your attention to be drawn away from them to your H. If you and your H were to reconcile, it would be very very stressful for the kids, they would be living on tenterhooks waiting for the other shoe to drop. So EVEN IF your H comes running back to you in a few months, I would give serious thought to living apart and just dating until your kids are grown.

Second - please see an attorney and find out your financial rights in this situation. It is a mistake to assume that if you just do nothing financially there's a better chance he'll come back - not true. There's just a better chance you'll get screwed over financially by the irresponsible WAS. Please protect yourself financially.

Third - you mention H having a motorcycle accident the summer he started falling apart - any chance he sustained a concussion at that time? If he did, his worsening depression and erratic behavior might be a consequence of his concussion (my ex had 6 concussions in the 8 years before our separation; definitely a contributing factor, although not the whole story).

Fourth - it's frightening that your H attempted suicide when he missed a few doses of his anti-depressants. Although psychiatrists will tell you these drugs have a long half life, it was my experience when my daughter was on them that just one or two missed doses turned her into a whackadoodle. I suspect this is why adolescents have a higher suicide rate on these drugs; probably due to them being less consistent with taking them. Your H is currently medicating his depression with an OW; temporarily at least it is giving him relief. In the long run, you really can't control what happens - if he won't face up to his depression and the role it plays in your relationship, he'll just continue flitting from one new "high" to another (car, motorcycle, girlfriends, etc).

Fifth - sadly you experienced the kind of step-parent issues that often strain marriages. Usually it's better not to attempt to parent the stepkids in a situation like this, just let him do it. But it sounds like you were in a no-win situation there. And to be honest, it's possible that your H was never as committed to your kids as you thought - it takes a lot to parent four teens that aren't your biological kids. Again - YOUR kids need to be your priority, and it is probably best for them NOT to be in a blended family at this point.

Stick to the high road, work on your own issues (is there some reason you may have ignored some red flags about this guy when you were dating?), protect yourself financially, (have you run a credit report?), focus on building the best life you can for you and your kids. You can maintain a generous attitude that your H, suffering from depression, was like a wolf in a trap - he chewed off his own leg to try to get out of his depression. Hard though it may be, you just may not be able to help him.

If he does recover, it's going to take him a while - don't put your life on hold in the meantime. And don't take him back unless he does the hard work necessary, and DON'T put your kids in the middle.

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LN,
I actually thought, as I was reading threads over the past months, that mine IS a mild MLCer. Yeah.... Re-read my subject title. Denial. Seriously, another of H complaints about me:)

I, too, believed it all. I listed on a legal pad, pages and pages of everything I could remember he said, and then read books about how to be better at x, y, z, so that "when he does come running back, I'll be so perfect!" Blech.... Now I gag at the thought of believing it. I was so desperate to have back what will never be again.

I think that was one way I believed I could control this... If I could be better, then I could fix this. Oh, but God showed me quickly, I am but a speck in this process, with zero control over the outcome, my H, or anything but myself. Who did I think I was, anyway? Oh, yeah. A happy, loving, loyal spouse. I still am:).

uR,
Once again, spot on. (Are you here somewhere in my room? ~looks over shoulder~)

You reminded me of yet, another complaint of my H. Well, not a real complaint, but an observation. H would tell me all the time that I "took on other people's" (fault, responsibility, guilt, ownership). Why do I do that?

The introspection part of this is so uncomfortable, painful, yet exciting all at once. I can feel myself growing and becoming more of who I am. But I still tend to initially resist the truth about myself. Is that normal? Is anything normal?

Wait, what is normal again?


M44, H44, both M before
M4 yrs, T6
BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me
H att suicide 2/14
S 4/14
OW disc 5/14
D final 4/15
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K,
Walked too heavy? Oh, that's precious. They sure find the strangest thing to make us self-obsess!

GREAT advice. All of it. Thank you.

So, for the "First": you are so right about the kids. They are doing well, overall. We don't discuss H anymore. I was not good about that in the first weeks of S, but after reading and counseling, I learned I had to do better for them. H topic is off limits, and I redirect my thoughts about 95% of the time. Still working on the backslide-5%. With their sports, S17(x2)graduation, practice driving for S15, D13 social events, my GAL, and this board, I have found far more productive things to do with our time. They are my world:)

"Second": I have been waffling about getting attorney, and yes, for the very reason you listed, fear of finality. You have me convinced. I have a contact to call. Sigh. I'm doing it. Smart to know options, for sure. I can't be irresponsible, especially because of kids.

"Third": Interesting about possible concussion. I'm curious to learn more about the effects. I hadn't put that together.

"Fourth": Yes, I agree with that. If H was being honest then, and he actually did miss doses, he is in trouble. The one fortunate thing is that he is aware of his depression. He is aware he has chemical imbalances, and that he has a history now of dangerous and irrational behavior. He has an inkling but continues to run. My SIL is a C. She addressed with me the possibility of another attempt, and what would I do "if". I know it is a possibility he will try again. I actually think it's highly likely. H is very sensitive, and he absolutely adored me at one time. When he was in rehab, he said he struggled to forgive himself for doing that to us. That's how he's wired. I'm terrified that he will believe he has to take that way out, rather than work through things for himself, much less face me and our R.

"Fifth": you are so right about stepkids. We actually did well for a long time. We didn't see his at all until 2 1/2 years ago. Only had SS, as an adult. We agreed I was not his parent (although he did call me Mom, another story...). H was to handle things if there was an issue. It didn't work, because I was the tattler between my kids to H if there was a problem. (And by problem, I'm not talking so-and-so left the seat up, I'm talking harm). All 4 of mine took to H right away, and he seemed to love them. It very well could have been a mask in hindsight. But kids benefitted regardless. In the early years, was a great teacher, example, funny, silly, supportive, kind, loving, affectionate, everything I dreamed of. It was EXACTLY when (and I know how this seems, but bear with me) SS moved in, things changed drastically. I love SS. I didn't love all of his behaviors, nor the fact that we were "unprotected" since H didn't believe in consequences for SS. Strange..... I have gone back and read emails from H for the month prior, and the month after SS moved in, and H tone and wording are remarkably different. H family and our friends noticed H was becoming tense, and made comments to me about it, too. None of this is SS fault, any more than it is mine. He did what he was allowed to do. We all do, to an extent. If I could do it over, I don't think I would have ever turned SS away. Just might have kept quiet and taken kids away more. It wouldn't have prevented MLC, tho....

Credit report- will do. I need to get my head in the game and stop the denial. But I don't really have denial.... (get it?)

I still get mad at H when stuff happens, but it's short-lived and H never sees it now. I'm always friendly toward him, which I found easy to do early on.

He has noticed how much I've benefitted from working out. I used to think I would feel great if he noticed. Now I know it doesn't mean what it used to mean. It's not even a compliment. It's more of a "hmmm. So NOW you look good."

This part of detachment I do have: His irrational behavior. I do know it's not about me.

I made the decision long ago, based on my Dad teaching me very young, and a thread here (I'll need to look up whom to credit), that I WILL forgive H for everything, no matter what. Divorced or together. I do not believe he is intending to hurt anyone. I already forgive him for what has happened, and I'm prepared to do so everyday, as long as he lives.

It's mostly for me, and it's how I have always been. It is my hope that it may help him when he wakes up. Even if we're divorced. It seems like the human thing to do.

The man I knew is not in control of this. Clearly. He would never do this if he was able to think like himself. How can I not forgive?


M44, H44, both M before
M4 yrs, T6
BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me
H att suicide 2/14
S 4/14
OW disc 5/14
D final 4/15
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Originally Posted By: Shining
You reminded me of yet, another complaint of my H. Well, not a real complaint, but an observation. H would tell me all the time that I "took on other people's" (fault, responsibility, guilt, ownership). Why do I do that?



I can tell you why I used to take on other people's fault and responsibilities. I was a people pleaser for one thing. It was what I was taught for another. I was told by my mother that I wasnt good enough, I wasnt worthy. So, I began to believe that everything was my fault. The good news is....I dont anymore. smile

So, why do you think you do that?

Originally Posted By: Shining
The introspection part of this is so uncomfortable, painful, yet exciting all at once. I can feel myself growing and becoming more of who I am. But I still tend to initially resist the truth about myself. Is that normal? Is anything normal?



Yea, this stuff is hard. Really hard. I always said I wish I didnt have to learn what I did in the way I did. But I wouldnt change the journey for anything. We all initially resist the truth about ourselves. It isnt fun to look at some of it. But you have an amazing opportunity here...to become your best you. Take it.

Kml is right. These MLCers can wreak havoc with finances. Knowledge is power, S. Doesnt mean you are giving up if you take care of you. If he comes out of this, he will be glad you did.

This whole thing is a leap of faith. I promise you that if you do the work, you will be forever changed.

A little about me. I suffered a pretty substancial depression. Add MLC in there and I cant imagine what his head feels like. I will tell you that he is fighting with all he has. It is like swimming through mud with a 50 pound weight on your back.

You are right, forgiveness if for you. It is a way to honor your marriage. It is a way to release the bad feelings that can weigh you down.

But I wouldnt worry about that right now. First, let's work on you. Leave him to his stuff. You didnt break him, so you cant fix him. Keep the focus on you and your kids.

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uR,

Yup. Mom and Dad gave me a "concerned talk" when I was somewhere around 12? That was the first time I had heard the term.

They worried that I was too much of a people-pleaser. My friends walked on me, I always gave stuff away because I felt happier knowing someone else was happy... I didn't think it could be a detrimental trait until recently.

Why do I think I do that? Possibly because I'm uncomfortable when others are uncomfortable.

Mom had to have everything perfect. She eventually outgrew that, but.... You can guess the rest.

I appreciate the clarity regarding forgiveness. I'm rushing toward the finish line when I haven't even tied my shoes.

Working on me does need to be the first focus. Big challenge for us people-pleasers!

Leaving him to his stuff. I hear that, I read that, I cognitively get it. I am close to really getting it. Sooooooo close.

Thank you, uR.


M44, H44, both M before
M4 yrs, T6
BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me
H att suicide 2/14
S 4/14
OW disc 5/14
D final 4/15
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Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

The link for the resources:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1539436#Post1539436

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Why they run:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=67406&page=1

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...6668#Post526668

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=714209

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

Odds and Ends of MLC(new from Delboy)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=656357#Post656357

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template
which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively.
It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena).
So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process.
(Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.

I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.


Your H has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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Oh yes, I got the I needed to catch up, after the I've grieved.

I also got, I'm at a different place in the grief cycle!
I will have a nice close friendship with you, insert good bits from our life here, and a new gf! I will have an ow you need to accept that.

I also heard him talking to himself of to the side making up his version of how when what etc he met ow! How a psych will fix everything, but he expected only me to go.

He basically bolted refuses to contact, told the mediator today there is nothing to sort out acted confused as why he would receive a letter re property settlement.

Wants a large pay out from me, and thinks its sorted and agreed to. crazy I did not agree to it.

Hell will freeze over before I give him a pay out, I earn less, I'm in the lessor position not gunna happen.

He's made a million promises none of which he remembers if its him honouring anything to do with me, me giving him a promise is expected collected and then denied I even carried thru.

Lets see other lines, ow is my one chance at happiness
She is my journey and I need see where she is leading me!
sickup the garden path IMHO, but meanwhile

It's just my soul mate, who happened to walk in the day you chucked your wobbly.

It's really childish stuff, not based remotely in reality.

Last edited by Ggrass; 07/29/14 12:18 PM.

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Why, yes, Miss Patti LaBelle, I DO have a “New Attitude”!

Runnin' hot, runnin' cold
I was runnin' into overload, it was extreme
I took it so high, so low
So low, there was nowhere to go like a bad dream

Somehow the wires uncrossed, my tables were turned
Never knew I had such a lesson to learn

I'm feelin' good from my head to my shoes (and oh, I love shoes….)
Know where I'm goin' and I know what to do (maybe not yet, but I know people who know!)
I tidied it up my point of view
I got a new attitude!

I'm in control, my worries are few (and by control, I mean of myself, and myself only)
'Cause I've got love like I never knew (I know I’m enough with God’s love, a man’s love is just a bonus)
Ooo, ooo, ooo, ooo, ooo
I got a new attitude!

I'm wearing a new dress, new hair
Brand new ideas, as a matter of fact I've changed for good
It must have been the cool night, new moon, slight change
More than to figure oh but I feel like I should, yes

I dug that one out of the acid-washed archives of the 80's. You're welcome.

Since joining the forum, and hearing from such wonderful people, I woke up today with the most PMA I have had in a long time. The support here is incredible. You all remind me how much there is to be grateful for, and how much good there is in this life.

I feel like this board is some kind of secret underground world, a symposium of guardian angels, guiding us from our deep despair.

Or, the “Love Experts” from “Frozen.”

Armed with my silly imagination, and a quirky mind that is wired for connecting dots (and too much people pleasing, but I'm working on that), I'm ready to face this new day! I do find that I can lose people in the obscurity of my thoughts at times… My apologies in advance.

A few of my goals this week (starting Monday, ending Sunday):

Do not initiate contact with H (zero yesterday, H already texted and emailed me twice today and I haven't responded. Been busy!)
Do not bring up H to kids
Schedule consult with L
Do one nice thing for myself everyday
Practice driving with S15 for a total of 4 hours by Sunday
Organize file-pile at home
Go to sleep no later than midnight on work nights

Some other stuff I had on my list is now so automatic, I no longer need to list it! (Pats self on back)

Whoop, whoop!! Have a great morning!


M44, H44, both M before
M4 yrs, T6
BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me
H att suicide 2/14
S 4/14
OW disc 5/14
D final 4/15
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We agreed in July to sell our house.

Some background:

My circumstances were such that I was the one to move out, with my kids. H and SS20 still live in the house. OW appears to have replaced me in every way, and stays almost every night. H D19 found herself needing to be out of the place she was living, and moved into the house in July.

Kids and I didn't mind being the ones moving out. My SIL commented that she found it remarkable that 4 teenaged kids were so willing to leave their big house with their own rooms and amenities, to live in a 2BR apartment in order to be away from the chaos. She said "that alone speaks volumes to the situation."

So, our newly deemed, "Summer Condo" is our sanctuary. It is tiny, and beautiful. It is decorated with all things that remind us of good. And we love it.

H agreed to pay all house expenses if we just got out. H shows me proof of mortgage and bill payments via bank transactions, etc. He is still a bill payer, so far, but I need to protect myself more going forward. This crazy train is not stopping anytime soon. Selling the house will eliminate a big risk. We agreed to divide house profit 50-50, and I will not agree to anything less. He can't sell it without my sig.

I am glad to not have the big utility bills, the homeowner responsibility, and the constant ghosts of memories past in the house. H can have it.

OW was coincidentally in the process of selling her McMansion. She has no job and no money. There is more to her story, but I stopped caring. It doesn't matter now.

In the pre-DB days, I searched her address and saw where she lived, tried to figure out who she was and how they met. But I dropped that a while ago. I know better now. Not perfectly ignoring, but definitely better.

So for a time, H and OW at least had their home sales in common. Hers is now sold. H is in a big big hurry. (Hurry. Can you say MLC trait?)

When H first talked to me about listing the house, he said he was running out of money, bills were astronomical, house was super inefficient, and "I don't want it." Hmmmm.... He sure fought hard and wanted it at time of S.

H told me in early July that he needed to be out of the house in 30 days or less. That meant the house would be repaired, listed, negotiated, closed, and H moved out. 30 days. Sounds reasonable.

Anyone who as sold a house before knows, that ain't the way it works. But who was I to tell him otherwise? I just nodded and listened.

House has been on market 2 weeks and H is getting itchy. Dropped price after one week (we agreed to drop, since H initial number was far too high to begin with). Now H wants to drop again. Realtor is trying to get H to be a little more patient.... Let me know how that works for ya.

Today, H texted me at 8:00. "No showings. I guess we are way high priced".
I didn't answer yet. (For me, this is a HUGE 180! yeah, me!)

H emailed at 8:04. "We may have to come way down."
I still haven't answered.

H sent text #2 at 11:00. "Busy?"

I am open to suggestions on responding.

I'm not intending to refuse communication. It's just business. I just want to put more thought into responses.

I have always responded to him immediately, so I think this could shake things up to not be so accessible. Yes?


M44, H44, both M before
M4 yrs, T6
BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me
H att suicide 2/14
S 4/14
OW disc 5/14
D final 4/15
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Hey Shining, just caught up on your sitch.
Sorry you are here, but it sounds like you are going in the right direction - reading everything, educating yourself, talking in support group - you will get some great advice here from vets.
It's only been 6 months for me but it feels like a lifetime.
Detaching is hard, it can be done though. I too thought about him all my waking hours. I was devastated and heartbroken, the worst pain of my life. I forced myself to go to a divorce group and we used this book "Rebuilding when your relationship ends" by Dr. Bruce Fisher. I highly recommend it - it helped me tremendously. It was like having a roadmap to healing - at least for me, I know everyone is different. Going to a group helped me a lot too, it wasn't just reading the book. The other thing that helped me the most was praying. I had lost my faith many years ago but this brought me back full force and I can say that it truly brought me through the darkest part of my life. Just take it one day at a time. Some people wear a rubber band on their wrist and snap it if they start thinking of OW or something else that they don't want to be thinking about, then you remind yourself with a snap and find something to do to take your mind off. That positive attitude you have will be a big help as well. You really sound like you're on the road to recovery - there will be bumps along the way but you sound great today. I like that you listed your goals - I did these same things and still do!! read and re-read those sandi's rules in the newcomers thread, that was a big help to me too. sounds like you got this!! hang in there, it does get better.


Me - 42
exH - 56
Married 10.5 years
Together 17
bomb dropped 1/6/14
signed papers 2/4/14
H moved out 2/22/14
D final 4/4/14
Dropped the rope 5/17/14
2 cats, 2 dogs
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