First post, DENIAL was my HAPPY PLACE!!

[Shining]

Hi, All,

I've been lurking for a while, trying to learn everything I can before suiting-up and jumping into the trenches. I have done some homework; read DB, DR, Conway's MiMLC, I Don't Want to Talk About It, and at least 4-5 other books on depression and MLC listed here.

I feel like I know so many of you already, and I would like to begin with a big "virtual hug" to all posters for sharing your stories and advice, which has been instrumental in helping me sort through the initial chaos, and in getting my emotions to a manageable level. Thank you for generously sharing your time, experience, and wisdom to help educate yet another "lost" LBS.

I'll post the history of my sitch soon, in snack-sized posts. It is pretty long. None of the history is any more, or any less earth-shattering than anyone else's. Same stuff, different MLCer, really. But I have yet to find another LBS on the board with some of the special circumstances I have.

Before I knew what was happening with H, I of course, did all the wrong things, (beg, cry, promise, tell him how I have changed) and got the blaming venom spew. After learning not to argue, and to instead, validate H's emotions, it was like magic! I froze in disbelief at the instant shift in his behavior toward me. Things have been very distant, but civil now for 3 months. H became a nice-MLCer, at least to me. Monster has now transferred away from me, and onto OW as well as H 2 adult kids, from what I hear.

I created lists from memory and old emails, of H complaints about me. I determined the possible validity, and most of them had some truth, but weren't out of the ordinary in a M and definitely fixable. So I fixed and changed all I could. Some were ridiculous, like he hated that I had pores on my nose.... (Wth? And he graciously stayed married to me with such a hideous issue? So noble of him.) Still working on lots, but huge strides and awareness of my ew, stupid mistakes and insecurities coming out in unflattering behavior. Uncomfortable to face traits in myself that I despise in others... But, yup. Plenty of room for improvement.

I stay busy. I work full-time, take care of my 4- teenagers from previous M (minimally, as they are very independent and responsible), and I read a lot. Kids and I have been going to a new, wonderful church, I'm keeping kids involved in their activities, and I have been working with a personal trainer since S (I've lost a ton of weight, I'm healthy, and I feel great and look pretty dang cute:).) Kids and I all go to a C.

My DB-no-no is that I have a very difficult time going days without hearing from him, and giving him the space he probably needs.

Although, he has never told me to back off (good or bad, idk?). I'm staying dark, but I do tend to initiate contact with H about half the time. We only communicate by text, short, factual exchanges. I only see him if there is property to exchange, or papers to sign (no D filed, just bills etc.). All communication is business related. No R talk, and I have done well at working to build a consistent presence of calm, non-judgement, validation, STFU, and listening (all 180's for me!).

My immediate need and humble request, is for some guidance in detaching. Although I stay busy and I'm starting to GAL, I struggle with the fear that getting too far out of his way will cause him to permanently shut the doors on us. Logically, and historically from other posters, this is not a fear that tends to become a reality in most sitches. But H has done this in his past with other things. Just flipped a switch and then done.

I'm still in withdrawal from a relationship that used to include a constant communication throughout the day, out of love, affection, and respect (and ok, yes...yes, co-dependence). Now, almost nothing. I sometimes feel like he died. We used to have sweet text exchanges all the time. We ALWAYS knew where each other was, and we were very respectful to communicate when we were leaving somewhere, and other "fyi" type exchanges.

Yeah.... We were "that "couple, like Raine, all of our friends and family envied our friendship and our M. (See what I did there.... I just went ahead and compared us to a brilliant DBer who got the results I'm hoping to achieve.

I have read books on detachment and co-dependence, and I feel as though I have a good grip on the concepts overall. I'll go for days feeling like a confident warrior, "I totally got this." And then, another day, seemingly out of nowhere, I'll breakdown and feel hopeless, panicky, needy, tempted to text or call but I don't. Well, not always. I have been guilty of texting him, with the lame excuse of checking on a house matter, or bills. I could have waited for him to reach out first, and as I mentioned, he does initiate about half the time. But I am clinging to a R that no longer exists, and I think of H constantly.

I know it's not good for me to think so much and miss him so much, and revisit fun memories in my mind, but I do it anyway. Hmmmm... Knowing it's bad for me but doing it anyway.... I sound like an MLCer now!!! AAAGGHHH.

Losing it. Well, technically I lost it. I lost our marriage. It's dead. I'm grieving. I'm lonesome. No dating for me, tho. Zero interest. Plus that little fact that I'm still married, and would like to continue this status.

OW is neither a threat, nor a focus to me. At first, yeah, but I learned quickly on dealing with this bandaid effect. She's textbook, although older by 4 years. It only bothers me that he has OW because of the distraction she is from H realizing his own internal issues, but I don't believe they will ride off into the sunset. They do spend all their free time together because H is afraid to be alone. Not officially living together, but spending the night most nights. My guess is things have gotten super co-dependent between them and she will not permit him contacting me in her presence. This is a pattern. I noticed that he only texts me when he's at work.

I need an MLC-Rollercoasterectomy. How to detach from so many H thoughts?

Anyone.....?
Anyone....?
Bueller?
Bueller.....

I finally submit my sitch, in an attempt to come out of denial. It really was my happy place .

[uRworthy]

Welcome to the worst best place there is. You will "meet" some incredible people here.

Shining, I like your style. The best way for us to help you is for you to be as honest as you can be.

So, you are doing a bit of mindreading regarding your h. Best not to do that, right?

In the world of MLC, you are still early into this. I always say, you feel how you feel. There are no wrong feelings.

Detaching is a really hard thing to get your mind around. It is a mindset. It is you living your life regardless of what he is saying or doing. It takes time to get there.

You will hear us talk about letting him go. That goes along with detaching. It means you are allowing him to walk his journey. That is the ultimate gift of love. It means you are hearing what he is saying....that he doesnt want to be married right now. You dont have to like it, but, you do have to hear it and live accordingly.

I know that it seems counterintuitive. You think if you dont remain in the forefront of his mind, he will move further away. But the truth is, that he needs to figure himself out without interference from you. In his mind, he is deeply unhappy and you and the marriage are the reasons why.

So, everytime you reach out to him, he is thinking, she isnt hearing me.

The best thing you can do is to allow him to figure out his path. The hope is that he will realize that it wasnt you that was making him unhappy because you arent even around. That can begin his looking inward.

Can you give us an idea of what his complaints were?

Keep working on you. Keep moving forward. Try your best to allow him to figure himself out.

You are doing great. Keep going.

[Shining]

I am embarrassed by the length of this...

H has been depressed for 4-5 years, and on AD. MLC signs for years, but I had no clue MLC was a real "thing" until a few months ago. After over a year of researching depression, troubled marriages, and other self help books, the light finally came on. I didn't know MLC could be this painful, destructive, and serious. Eyes wide open now. If he isn't a classic MLC, I don't know what is.

H is youngest of 3 boys. H parents D when he was 5. Dad was WAS, OW (his secretary), and still married to her. They had 2 more kids. H stayed with mom, who remarried a very strict and unemotional man. He was traditional, non validating, too hard on them, mean at times... Mom was loving, but not attentive.

H depression started in 2009. We had been dating for a year, but still living apart. I had not met his kids yet. H had primary custody of them since they were 2 & 4, but they opted for Hxw after about 10 years. Long story short, H had rules, Hxw didn't. Teens don't like rules. Hxw saw an opportunity, and convinced (bribed) kids that grass would be greener with her, and in 2009 they agreed to move in with party-mom, an hour away (this mistake turned out disastrous, more later). They cleaned out rooms and filed false charges against H to make excuse for leaving (per Hxw's idea), all while H was at work. My state allows kids to choose custody at 13, so H's L said don't bother fighting it. H was devastated, he completely collapsed, grieved hard for months, like a death. He said he hadn't cried like that since he was a child (hmmmm). It was torture. He said he felt so betrayed, and he felt like a total failure as a Dad. His kids were alienated from extended family and H, and didn't speak to any of them for almost 2 years. I believe this was his "tragic event".

My kids had just met H in 2009, loved him immediately. We M in 2010, bought a big house, with plenty room in hopes H kids might come back. H AD meds appeared to be working, we saw no severe signs of depression, and he said he felt good. I thought we had a great marriage, family meshed well, we took trips, played games, went to kids' activities, laughed a lot, close R with extended family, seemed to be a normal and happy life.

FF to spring 2012. SS18 at the time, 2 months from graduating HS. SS18 told us big probs at Hxw going on for months (physical and verbal abuse, diff men in and out, cops called freq, heavy binge drinking, drugs, etc). He wanted out. We all talked and agreed to rearrange whatever we could to make him welcome. Helped SS18 get a car, he drove to school an hour away to finish and grad. SD16 then, stayed with Hxw, but eventually left and stayed at friends' houses until she graduated.

MEANWHILE:
1st missed MLC cliche clue: H bought motorcycle, 2012.

AND NOW BACK TO US:
Summer of 2012, we discovered SS had probs of his own. Learning disability, socially challenged and withdrawn, anger issues, odd behavior. We found IC and govt program to help with SS18 future.

Same summer, H started acting irrational. It was as if the in-H-face realization of H son not being everything H hoped for, was too much for H to accept. Couldn't have disagreements or discussions like before without H turning nasty. Very blaming, defensive, and completely refused to correct any misbehavior of SS, 19 now. BD#1. "ILY, but Idk if we can be together." "Something isn't right". Next day, I sent him a long apologetic email, and talked him back.

MEANWHILE:
H Motorcycle accident 7/12. No major injury. Replaced motorcycle with new motorcycle. Only rode a few times. "Too scared to ride", "didn't feel right", "wasn't fun anymore". Sold motorcycle.

2nd missed MLC cliche clue: Summer 2013, H bought red sports car. Not even kidding. Red. And I still missed it. I wanted H to have whatever he wanted. I wanted H happy. H believed red sports car=happy. Who am I to judge? Ugh.

3 months later, red car became not so fun. "Can't see behind me." "Uses too much gas". Sold red sports car, bought hybrid sedan. H chose it, was not thrilled, but happy about saving money on gas.

AND NOW BACK TO R:
Over time, fights became more frequent and escalated. Then BD#2 in 01/14, big fight, and H took SS, now 20, to stay with H several nights in motel to get away from me. Came back, agreed to MC, but was still acting bizarre. H didn't look right, didn't talk like normal H. We went to 2 sessions. We had not gotten very deep into our R at MC, just uncomfortable. Deep breath.....

2/14 H was flipping out, yelling crazy things, fighting, then we didn't speak for 3 days. 3rd day, H acting crazy. Spewing cruel, and somewhat intelligible texts to me, and his family. H cut me off of our CC, cut off my kids' and my cell phone service, and threatened to cut off car insurance, and more. I had wifi at work, and was able to contact his family to clue them in that something was very wrong. I knew I would need to be able to contact kids, so I left work to get phone service turned back on with new separate account. Went back to work, and 2 hours later, I received an email from H. It was a suicide letter, subject line read, "goodbye". I ran out of my office, called 911 from parking lot, and started driving home. Also called H family. S17 arrived before I got there, and panicked as he saw the flashing lights and emergency vehicles. Officers asked S17 to go in and check on H. H was in bed on his back. Eyes closed, open pill bottles and booze on nightstand. Cops and medics came in, were able to get H awake but groggy, and took him to hospital by ambulance.

H spent 3 days at rehab, lots of tears, long days of counseling, begging our forgiveness, saying he hit rock bottom. Many apologies to everyone. He couldn't believe what he had done, and had no memory of most of it. Shocked to find out he actually left work several times in the past days, and didn't remember any of that either. He was taught in rehab, to take responsibility for himself, and own his actions. This was not a habit for H. I was so encouraged. He told me and the kids this was not our fault. He promised to get help, and this was required as part of his discharge. The day before he was released, he said he "realized" he hadn't been taking his AD for several days before the episode. He said he wasn't excusing his behavior (yeah, right) but he really believed that was the cause of the fog and his irrational behavior. After H got out, and went to his psychiatrist, H was convinced he didn't "really" have a problem, he's not suicidal, and this whole thing was all because he missed several doses of his AD. (The number of missed medicine days kept changing, depending on to whom he was telling the story.)

We went back to MC twice, since what was deemed, "The February Incident". H was not interested in a solution. H was only interested in blaming me and my kids for pretty much every problem that has ever occurred since the dawn of time. I couldn't believe my ears. I was counting on the MC to help us out of a vicious cycle, work on communicating and respecting each other, and instead, the conversation became an attack. We were so far off.....So, I did what any pre-DBer would do, and I yelled back! Yeah! I'll show him! This will work because C and H will see how right I am! Not so much. I looked like an idiot. The C called me out on my ridiculousness, and I got offended. I felt so alone. How does no one else see what I see? Am I crazy? Is it me? It must be me. I was stunned in silence, and I just shut down not knowing what to say anymore. I quietly walked out of C. This was later used against me, but all you old-timers saw that coming:).

I NOW know to recognize visits from: Mr. Projection, Sir Blame, Major Venom Spew, Monsieur Monster-Face, Señor Shark-Eyes, and all the other new Coping-Mechanism-Super-Friends my H has introduced to me. Deep breath.....

FF to 4/14. Bullet points, because by now, it's the same sheez, different MLCer.
Fights. Blame. Distance. Anger. Spew. The whole gang of Super-Friends showed up.

H took on a "H & SS20 against the world" attitude. SS20 now saw my kids and me as the enemy. SS20 had previously displayed rage in front of kids and me, and over time it got worse, and it was allowed by H.

MEANWHILE:
3rd missed MLC clue: My car engine blew up. H bought brand new truck of his dreams. Because I needed a new car. So he picked one for himself (Me, me, me, me). Gave hybrid to me. See what he did there? Not complaining, I was just as happy. It's a car and I love it. But more than that, a missed clue.

THE NEXT DAY:
H told me he wanted to play with his new truck, learn dashboard features, etc. I sent H text from inside house, that I'll take D13 to soccer and go to grocery store (so he can keep playing with toys). H spewed!! Huh? Wait, now FAVORS make H angry? H said I left without him and H wanted to shop (I can't read his mind, so we should separate. That comes later, too). I offered to turn back, but that wasn't good enough, because H wanted to be mad. H isolated himself in his room the rest of the night.

The rest I'll shorten with bullet points: S17 and I talking late at night in living room, SS20 walks in, says something rude, I called him out on his disrespectful comment, SS20 got worse, started cursing and name-calling, threatening, breaking things, cocked fist back toward my son... H came out of room.

In a normal world....a H would defend W and S17, and address bad behavior of SS20.

In MLC land.... Fights. Blame. Distance. Anger. Spew. The whole Super-Friend gang showed up again.

H told me to leave. I refused. I told H to leave. H refused. Slept in same bed as far apart as possible.

Next day, my kids were scared and tense. We had been in a similar sitch before, and I recognized the despair in their faces. They didn't feel safe. Horrible thing to live, and hear from your kids. Deep breath.... I bought locks for their BR doors.

I talked to H (tried) and he refused to leave. I explained we didn't feel safe. H didn't care. Laughed at me, actually. I consulted with my C, and our family Dr., who knew all of us and the sitch. They agreed in this case, kids and I need to be safe, and I looked for an apartment. H and I didn't talk at all.

The cycle had to stop. We moved 10 days later. It was hard. I cried. H cried. H said he thought he would be ok being there while we moved, but he couldn't do it. H left.

We went once more to MC. Drove separately, met there. I told H I believed we could get through this. But we needed time apart to cool off. Put the fires out and remove the stressors so we can rebuild our R. H told me and C that "W has to fix herself. Then we'll see. Too much damage has been done. Horrible, permanent damage." And then he listed things that I had to change, including telling everyone of our friends and family that HE WAS NOT THE PROBLEM, I WAS. What? What did that mean? He made so many ridiculous demands that didn't even make sense. I cried. We left. Confused and hopeless.

For weeks, H wouldn't respond to texts, calls, or anything. He was rude. He was demanding and mean. I still didn't know what I was dealing with. I sent a message to an old mutual friend that works with H. I said things were so strange, didn't make sense, and asked if he knew if H had OW. Friend said not that he has seen. Then, two days later, a message from that work friend. OW confirmed. I went crazy (Still pre-DB). Friend said H took the day off and took OW on our boat for the day. I went to the house. Saw all of their things. OW things. In MY closet. On MY nightstand. In MY BED. The. Ultimate. F. U. They did it in my bed. He unplugged one woman, and plugged in a new one. Only she's older, so that's weird... (Old timers? Any clue on the reason for an older model?). Oh, funny, tho, H never wore cologne. Saw Ed Hardy on his sink...sniff... Aahhh, Eau de MLC.

I obsessed about her for about 6 weeks. Typical lowlife parasite. But, I surprisingly got over that, and relatively quickly. The initial hurt was like nothing I've ever felt in my life. But now I completely see her as the messed up bandaid/drug of choice/escape he uses her for. I am not threatened in the least.

But, H is now being medicated by infatuation, thus delaying any reconnection. I took a huge step back, and found this forum. Darn near saved my life.

So there it is, in a nutshell.

What now? Praying. Detaching. I'm GAL. Taking care of kids. This forced "break" is not something I would wish on my worst enemy.

But I'm grateful for the lessons I've learned so far.

[Shining]

Thank you, uR. You're one sharp cookie.

Your perception is spot-on about me with the mind reading. I do tend to assume I know things I couldn't possibly. This is a personal struggle for me, and it's on my (long and forever-growing) list of self-improvement.

H complaints about me were mainly that I was "against SS20". I would try to explain that I was never against SS20, but I didn't like the behaviors he had toward me and the kids. I was upset that H allowed it. We rarely argued about anything, but when we did, it was almost always about SS.

H told me I didn't discipline and follow through on my kids' chores enough, I allowed my S17 to bully everyone and that it bothered H that S17 was so much like my xh (whom H has never met). H was a stickler for perfection when it came to the kids' chores. He was not this way when his kids lived with him, as I had visited that house and it was....less than spotless. I would never say anything, but found it odd when the expectations were vastly different years later when it was a different household.

H felt (recently) that he did too much for us. That he was just a paycheck. He cooked dinner most days, since he was home by 4:00 and I, not until 5:30. H wanted to have dinner early, so H cooked. He didn't complain about this at all until a year ago.

There is truth to all of the above, and I'm sure there are more things that will come to mind, and I'll add them later.

[Takevowsserious]

Hi Shining ~

Wow, I just read your post. You have been through so much. No need to feel embarrassed or apologize for a long post

I have been lucky in the sense that my h was not abusive nor exceptionally crazy. Hopefully some people here who were or are in a similar situation can come by with advice.

A few thoughts...

- if it's MLC, MC is useless. The MLCer is not one to admit wrongdoing, and you WILL get blamed for everything and anything. If you think it would help you, going to an IC may be a good idea.

- oh, the ow! I like to tell new people here to do an internet search for "affairing down". It is truly enlightening. No big shock that your h didn't leave you for the latest SI swimsuit model. I remember someone telling me that ow isn't special, just convenient. If it wasn't her, it would have been somebody else. Very, very true.

- unfortunately, MLC affairs take a LONG time to run their course. That obsession is so powerful, the escape from reality incredibly addictive. In the long run though, most affairs don't last. It's a relationship built on secrecy, lies, and deceit. The rose- colored glasses come off eventually - then, look out! Lol!

- when he is spewing, walk away, hang up phone, don't respond. It only feeds into his behavior. MLCers have a ton of anger, and guess who gets to be the lucky recipient of all that anger? BINGO!

It really isn't about you.

Keep up the good work, keep GALing, living your life. Focus on you and the kids. Keep posting.

Leave him in la la land

[artsy]

Shining,
Our BDs are the exact same- #1 and #2!! So sorry we're here.

My H is very mild compared to yours- OW is very unattractive, 2 years older than me and someone he used to complain about regularly...everything from her looks to her personality. They are most definitely not a threat!!

Your first post resonates with me so much! I, also need to detach! It seems the more I want to, the less I am! Let me know if you figure out how to get there!

Last thing: your diner "issue"... SAME HERE!! He used to love cooking, and some point along the way it became a burden and I had no clue.

I'm rooting for ya!!

[Ggrass]

It's is all really script.

I could have wrote most if that.
It's wasn't a motor bike but a v8 luxury family sedan. It want a hybrid car but a roof top 4x4 tent. His s24 was used as an excuse to spend $ and h said my s16 was deliberately manipulating our m!

Yes I feel he just changed the younger woman for a much older model in the passenger seat.

I know all the characters, and yes even tho they say done finished and to use my h quote
" I did all my grieving for the old relationship in the relationship"

"I was sucidal for a long time, but now I'm fine" read new ow fantasy life

Welcome to clique land, it's boggling what they say, just nod and validate. Laugh later as it does get really funny once your detached. Well I find I can feel amusement.

[LiveNow]

Shining - WOW. Just wow. You have been through a great deal. And I think you are doing very well. I can't remember who, but someone on this board said I had a 'mild' MLC'r, which I agree with. I guess I'm grateful for that, and while he is not playing with a full deck, he still somehow seems to have moments of lucidity.

Like you, I read an awful lot (an entire grocery bag of books I recently donated to the library with the exception of 2 or 3). I have almost completely given up TV and read instead. I missed MLC clues too, plenty of them. He wanted a convertible (we even went and looked at a red one) for quite a while. He never did buy one, though. He is practical, and frugal, like me. And I think he talked himself out of it somehow. And it finally dawned on me what event started the MLC - about 6 years ago. He had emergency surgery and almost died at the age of 50. I'm convinced this started everything rolling, but I didn't put two and two together until very recently.

There was also much truth to my H's complaints, but there is only so much we can do. We can only control what we do and think. The rest is out of our hands. The most valuable lessons I've learned in past year are (1) go with the flow - roll with it, whatever 'it' is, and (2) I have my faults but I did not cause the demise of our marriage - WE did - both of us, so I do not take the blame for everything and (3) I no longer believe everything he said about me at bomb drop. I believed every word initially, but I am really 'good' with myself as I am now. This was a huge growth period for me, as it seems to have been for you too. Getting out and making your own life is critical. I have an entirely new life without him. So I am now prepared for whatever comes my way. You seem well on your way to that too. Then, if D does happen down the road, you will not fall apart. In the meantime, GAL. So important. And if you can still manage to be friendly to him, DO it. I am beginning to think I am past that now, and it's like pulling teeth to have a friendly conversation. (I'm polite, but offer little info about my life now.) Hang in there, and keep posting. It's therapeutic!

[uRworthy]

Shining, it's important to only own your own stuff. So, let go of not seeing the signs of MLC. Many people not in one buy motorcycles and trucks.

My friend, TVS, is right. MC does not work with MLC. At least not at this point. Maybe way down the road.

In his mind, he was extremely unhappy. So, he lashed out at the person closest to him. It's what they do. It's the easiest fix in their mind.

They often affair way down. They pick someone really screwed up that they feel they can save. Makes them feel better about themselves...or so they think.

You have been through a lot. I am glad you got you and your kids safe.

The thing about dbing is that is saves you and sometimes, it saves marriages. It is, in my opinion, the best shot at that.

It helps to remember that this is a marathon, not a sprint. Dealing with an MLCer isnt for the faint of heart.

So, keep looking within and try to figure out how to be your best self....for you. Your changes have to be real or he will see right through them.

It's a good idea to get a roadmap together on how you want to walk this. I had some things that were important to me. Having the roadmap helped keep me on track.

I knew that when I looked back on this time, I wanted to be able to see that I had acted with dignity. I wanted to be sure to cause no harm to the relationship between my son and his dad. I tried each day to be the person I wanted to be. Some days I made it, some I didnt. But that was always the goal.

He needs to walk this on his own. It's the best shot he has of coming out the other side. He has to get himself strong to face his demons. He cant do that if he is looking over his shoulder at you.

He has asked for space....give it to him. He knows where you are.

Let every interaction be a positive one. Look good, be positive, head high.

You have been doing some good introspection. Keep digging deep. You want to be good and strong. So that if he looks to you in the future, you can decide what you want from a place of strength.

[Shining]

Takeavow,
Thank you for your insightful thoughts. As soon as I figured out it is likely MLC, I read that MC is not helpful, and often can do more harm than good. We went the one time after S, but I haven't brought it up since. Luckily, my MC seems to understand MLC and has experience with couples working to reconcile afterward.

The spewing has stopped toward me, for the most part. H adult kids now live with him (temporarily, as we are selling the house). They see the crazy and receive the spew. OW gets spew and yelled at, too, according to H kids.

Yes, SS20 and SD19 are actually reaching out to me now! (Could this GET any crazier? Woah... I felt a 2x4 of "just wait" and "don't even ask". Ouch. )

There has been drama at the house, and H kids have texted me because they don't understand what's going on with H. They call him "psycho". I learned early on, don't try to explain MLC to them, or anyone, really. Since they know about H suicide attempt and depression, it seems to be enough to attribute H behavior toward that.

H also has very low T, which is new. H just found out in May, after a mutual friend suggested he get tested (mutual friend very disturbed by H behavior). H told me about his treatments, which are pellets. Yeah, he's a mess.

Artsy,
Yes, isn't it scary the similarities? We can definitely compare notes. I'm following you closely, Artsy, and LOVE your screen name, btw.

Detaching....aahhhh, the elusive skill of the LBS Masters.....

If, and when, I discover the answer, I'll share how-to if you will!

Maybe it's like in the movie "Limitless" when Bradley Cooper's character takes some pill and suddenly knows everything! ....I digress. Wishful thinking.


GG,
Haha, YES!! Unplug one symptom (motorcycle, car, w), insert another! How are they all the same, but different? And the fact there is not more of a universal awareness of this crisis is a mystery to me, especially with so many here.

Oh, wow....The "I did all my grieving...." H said that, too! I didn't think I wrote about that, so I'm a little freaked out to learn yours said the same! My H also added that I am a little bit behind him, that I'm where he was 4 months ago in the acceptance of our split.... Ummm, I haven't accepted it, dear. (No, I didn't say out loud)

And yes, GG, I do laugh already. I have to laugh. It's not to be disrespectful of anyone in pain. I believe for me, it is truly a coping mechanism. It was handed down to me by my own dad.... He found humor everywhere.