I agree w/kml...this is not the man for you. He's got by far way too many issues and at his age, he may not be able to change the way he views and reacts to the world. Kim, you owe it to yourself to get back out there in the dating pool. There are far more fish in the sea that are more stable and don't have the issues that he has. You deserve a man who is going to adore, love, cherish and treat you right. You and your girls do not need someone in your lives that have emotional issues, i.e., anger, etc.
Kim, it's okay to walk the path alone for a while. The man you are suppose to meet will come along when you least expect it. You deserve far better and even if this man were to promise you the moon in the way of treating you right and checking his emotional yoyo at the door, I wouldn't trust those promises because he's had them a very long time and leopards do not change their spots because those issues would rise to the surface again when you would least expect them too.
What I am taking away from you postings concerning this man is that you are in the rescue mode...get out of it quickly. You can't rescue him from himself, i.e., you can't fix him and he's got a lot of work to do for himself.
You can be a friend...but he's not a good match for a partner for you or someone that you would want permanently in your life or the lives of your girls.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Kim, That feeling that you want to show your EX and the world that you can do this all on your own, that you don't need him or anyone? That is what many of the MLCers are thinking! They want to show their "independence", that they are fine on their own. I know that's the case with my W. I see it in so many of the WAS's I read about on this board.
It's takes real guts to allow someone into your life and your heart. You are right when you say that's a "hard, cold road to travel" and it's one that people who are too damaged to trust another person go down. To me it's takes a strong, brave person to travel that road with another, imperfect soul. To allow the other person to make mistakes without hating or blaming. To sacrifice part of what you want to give that other person what they desire, without expecting the same in return (but be glad when you get it!). That, to me, is REAL strength. Not the fake "I don't need anyone else, I'm fine on my own" "strength". That is nothing but false bravado.
It may take time and several tries before you find the right person, the one you want to travel that road with. And it's true that because of why we're here on this board, we are much more careful and aware then in the past. But don't let yourself mistake that being "on your own" is somehow the "stronger" or "better" way to live. It is, in reality, the easy way!
Yes, I have a much clearer head after not talking to this man for 3 days now.
No leopards don't change their spots for sure! And he's not changing anything.
Im glad to say, I really don't miss him at all. To be honest he was becoming quite a drain on me. I feel myself regaining energy by not having his tether on me.
I went to a family reunion Saturday. This is ExH paternal side of the family. They don't speak to him due to what he did. They told me he was an embarrassment and a disappointment to the family. It was that family that gave him a very large inheritance to help us out after the shooting. And it was EX H that literally blew it all and I think sent the majority of it to OW.
At any rate, his paternal side of the family are just the nicest group you ever could meet. They're loving, supportive, no drama, no drinking, no fighting, no BS! Just happy people, happy to ge together! Well Ex H cousin's boyfriend proposed to her in front of the entire family with the approval of the parents. She's been single for 13 years, but it never stopped her from living her life! Her fiance' has been widowed over a year with two girls. The family stopped the girls and said " welcome to the family".
It was right then and there my heart open and broke all over again. It broke because these family reunions were something my Ex lived for. And for a family as loving and forgiving as this one, to basically shun him for what he did, that says alot. It's sad, yet he did it to himself. Then my heart opened again as I realized that this type of family environment is what I want! And that this dude I've been seeing for over a year, just isn't going to make the cut! It was at that point I thought that I should come home and just break it off with him because this simply isn't going where I want it to go.
Then I got home and boyfriend was behaving like a self absorbed bratt, irritated with me for not paying enough attention to him VIA TEXT MESSAGE ALL DAY, that breaking it off was easy! On top of that I loaned XB 100.00 over a month ago, and I still haven't seen one red cent. Nor will I ever.
Thank you for the support guys! I guess the first relationship after the big D, is really a learning experience. I really had hoped that I wouldn't have to look any further. But I guess in a way its a good thing. I've really changed over the last 3 years.
Yes job, I've been in rescue mode and I was paying attention to that because that can quickly turn into co dependency. However this man has really made it clear that he's using his illness as power and control, via victimization.
Yep Matt, being alone really is so much easier in so many ways. I guess I just am tired. I haven't had a vacation in a year, and have worked so many extra days and hours to help keep the place afloat because people are quitting... well Im just worn out! I think if I could just get some adequate rest and a vacation from work, I might just get my zing back!
Hi Kimmerz. To be honest, I don't think that you were going to keep this guy around for very long anyway. You may be a rescuer, but you've changed in recent years. You are more self-aware. You're more self-aware that you aren't ready to take on a project
Hang in there Kimmerz. When you find a guy that doesn't need rescuing, he won't drain you. You'll feel more energized than drained even if some work is involved - it won't be a monumental effort but a labor of love. There's a big difference.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Thanks Aj. Now Im wondering why I was attracted to that in the first place.
Many ideas flow through my head about that one.
But I really don't think I need to worry that anymore though.
Right now, Im not wanting to look for a relationship again for a while. Granted I would love to have a happy and healthy one with a great man that loves me and my girls... right now I still feel I need some ME TIME.
Given I have my weekends back, and I just found out my hours at work are going to be drastically reduced, I've got some free time on my hands. Im going to take advantage of that!
Out of curiosity, has anyone had experience dealing with someone that has Borderline Personality Disorder?
Where I work we have a resident that has this disorder. Wow she's alot of work, but I handle her well and I really do like her. But it's alot of boundary setting, validation, listening, and letting her know she's valued. Oh this poor woman spins, and spins, and she truly believes these perceptions that come into her head about things that happen.
I've had the most wonderful weekend to myself, and when that happens I finally can think. As I sat peacefully yesterday this thought cam out of the blue, that I swear that's whats going on with boyfriend!
I've been reading about it since yesterday. Oh My. Fits him to a T. I guess there are certain types of BPD. Low functioning, High Functioning, and Combo. Looks like I got a High Functioning one.
Then as it hit me, ALL THE SUDDEN IT SEEMED THAT EX-X FIT THIS BILL TOO!
You guys I really don't know what to do. Im now going to refer to this man as on/off Boyfriend. After a week of silence, this man communicates with me like I needed him to communicate with me a week ago when we had yet another blow up.
He acknowledges and admits he was wrong for what he said that was so rude and insensitive to me. He validated my feelings and has truthfully apologized.
He admits to being selfish and demanding and that I must be a true saint to have put up with him because he knows how difficult he can be.
He's not angry and still doesn't want to give up on us, and that he truly loves me.
Dear Lord guys.... what do I do? I want to move forward with him.
But I know this pattern will repeat.
And then it's like AJ mentioned a "project".
I don't know what a true healthy and happy relationship really is like. I've never truly had a life role model.
All I know is abnormal, is normal in my life. I think I gravitate to it.
I see him as a person though, not someone that needs to be discarded because he's got mental issues.
I honestly don't know what the right thing to do is, because Im so emotionally involved.
I don't have much to offer about BPD, although I've wondered about it with Smokey--especially the difficulties with moods and anger. IDK. So many things overlap.
I broke it off with Captain Voyeur. Told him I needed more than just sex.
It felt good to set a boundary.
Kim, look at YOU right now. I'm sure this guy has a good heart and all that...blah, blah, blah...not to belittle it...It's just what is it about THIS GUY that is compelling YOU?
IMO, this relationship is bringing up something YOU NEED to look at...I don't know if it's about rescuing, abandonment, ???
A healthy relationship may not have the appeal of an unhealthy one. For us, insecurity is part of the appeal. At least for me. I like the thrill of the chase when someone is damaged, broken, unavailable...I have to work for the love.
I'm making an effort to open myself up to having a relationship with me. And, when I'm ready, I'm willing to open myself up to someone I normally wouldn't consider.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Hi K, I am not a therapist, but my therapist suggested that my xh is Cluster B which includes Borderline Personality Disorder, (the cluster also includes narcissism)
From what I have read on the boards most people in MLC exhibit BPD or narcissistic behaviour traits. In many cases they functioned for a long time, until they didn't (high functioning BPD). But I wonder if we are skilled at dealing with them, and it is a behaviour pattern that we are comfortable with, in a weird way.
Sadly, until people address their issues and get help, this pattern of behaviour is likely to continue. It is your life, but this man is trouble. He sounds manipulative. You said you are emotionally involved, and in your shoes I would go cold turkey on this, see that you may be somewhat addicted to needy damaged people, and cut him out of your life. He is holding back your development into true emotional health imho.
In his damaged state he appears to fill your emotional needs, which sn't really OK, is it?
As a friend that you felt concerned for, maybe OK, but a relationship with a BPD character, honestly they do not know how. It would all be on you, with them pulling the strings.
They have charm intelligence and wit, but they are not OK.
You know guys, I can figure other people out pretty well, but myself, Im still learning about. I guess Im still learning how to truly care for myself. Honestly I guess because I feel I understand more of what's going on, and what Im dealing with, I feel more empowered and willing to go on a little longer.
I realize that staying involved with this man will result in nothing but the cycle that has become the norm. Anywhere to a few weeks to a few months of really good behavior, then he will have an angry abandonment threat and fall off the good behavior wagon and here we go again.
Learning about BPD has really helped me understand this method to his odd madness that I've been witnessing for over a year now. I think I tend to fool myself that if I understand something, then I can handle it and I have it under control. Now that you mention MLCers are displaying this sort of behavior plus narcissism, I guess you're right, it's almost something I've become to know and get used to thanks to Ex H.
Truth be known I know that it's his issues, not mine when he starts to swing into his irrational mode. I've made the wrong choices in allowing him to push my buttons and I end up losing it myself and fighting with this man over things only his mind can rationalize.
This man fills my emotional needs up until he's irrational as hell. I do believe this is the addiction cycle Im stuck in. He's an emotional support, someone I can have intelligent conversations with, someone that I have many things in common with, someone that shows true genuine interest in me and my life! He listens to me, he talks to me about things that are going on with me!This man makes me feel like I matter! This man has made me feel accepted, valued, adored, appreciated, desired, and absolutely loved for the first time in many years, and ever since the day we met. He does all the good things I want and need in a partner on a consistent basis, and has never wavered!
It's just all the sudden we have this presto change -o mood swing, when his abandonment button gets ever so brushed and here we go.
We do have a long distance relationship, which gives me the room to take care of myself, and my children, and still live my life independently from him. We haven't seen in each other in 2 months. This is due to me refusing to see him after he's had an adult tantrum. So I am standing my ground!
The true bottom line is.... if I choose to remain in this relationship it's just going to continue to keep cycling like it has. When the good times are good, they're fantastic! When he pulls his crap, well I've got choices to make.
Honestly I think what I really need to focus on is if I continue to stay with him, can I keep dealing with his tantrums time and time again.
Honestly when he does this, he acts like my 11 year old that has anger issues too!
Honestly I think Im just so used to all this behavior in some form due to children, ex husbands, and a family of alcoholics, that to me it's just " Oh ok, here's another one with a few tweaks in the system. Let us see how we deal with this one!"
I also work with the elderly, and disabled, mentally and physically. I just have this all around me no matter what.
Another thing, I have this tendency to be able to go into another person's "circle" and really look at what's going on in their mind and why they are acting the way they are.
All the while knowing that I can't go in and fix this, but I can choose different ways in dealing with them without sacrificing myself.
