Wife STILL in MLC but has now left #1

[Ggrass]

Here's my take, I would give the personal items. Bagged and ready, but then I'm good like that then say the other things need to go via l or mediation or anything you fancy.

She will more than likely be hacked off, but meh! You need furniture etc too, my 1h wanted everything wanted me to deliver 40km and I had the child. we were taking mostly free furniture he hated all our married life!

I told 1h he could collect anything he wanted within x time so long as he collected and payed for ute truck etc. he never collected. I replaced items he said he really wanted then later like years I sent to the tip!


The whole making you the bad guy works in my stich with 2h, his whole family is buying it. I'm pretty sure I'm a scarlett woman who had multi affairs and left him for om, his story re w1. The only one with op, is not me!

[Wonka]

Matt,

I'm going to borrow a great quote from Starsky that encapsulates the divorce process in a perfect way:

There's a reason for the v in the proceedings. The process is painful. It isn't all cotton candy and poscicles!

Don't be a martyr in the process. Ask for what you really need for yourself and daughters in the divorce. My thinking is that your W should be the one paying child support and payments on the house until your youngest turns 18. Then you can either sell it or re-finance in your name.

This way you will have several years to catch up on savings for the re-fiance, get your credit score in order, and plan for the long-term.

[LoisB]

So Matt,

What happened?

Are you ok?

[Kimmerz]

Matt,
I agree with Wonka! And Ggrass has a very clever idea!

My aunt did that when she asked for a divorce, and granted this divorce was called for! But she said He could have one weekend to get everything he wanted out, while she was gone (stayed with me and my mom) and then that was it. He was never to come back to the house again.

I've been through divorce Matt. And I agree 100%, this is where you MUST STAY STRONG, and go for what you know you will need down the road! I know it's hard, but it's really necessary you put that game face on. Children get more expensive as they grow and get older! They eat you out of house and home, have sports, need clothing because they grow so fast, then there are school activities, DANCES, PROM....!!You have a D14. I have D14, and D11. It seems like every time I turn around they need something, and they're not being selfish or demanding. It's just the way it goes for two girls growing up!

I know I too was wavering in certain areas of my divorce, but a wise friend of mine said "Kim do what I didn't do. FIGHT! I didn't do that, and I got the shaft so bad". And boy did she get the shaft from her ex husband with child support. It's sickening what he got away with, but then again she didn't want to cause ripples, and it unfortunately it's a challenge for her.

Im not sure how things are in your state, but make sure the child support is directly deducted from her wages and put into your bank account too. No wishy- washy, agreements on her giving you checks during drop off/pickup. No sir. She wanted this divorce, she can have it. And all the consequences that come with it. Yes she'll spew, but let her twist in the wind!

I stood firm and my attorney went for what I needed and what was legally expected and fair! I didn't come away with alot because the $$$ I was hoping I could get some of because it was squandered by Ex husband purposely so I couldn't get it. He received a very large inheritance and mesothelioma winnings over his grandfather's death. Yet the man now has 6 garnishments because it was better to blow it and not let me have it, rather than pay his bills. Hmmm, go figure!


And I must add, if she's making double what you are, and has chosen to leave your marriage, and the house, you're the primary parent for D14 (which I do believe at her age she now has much more say of where she wants to live the majority of the time) SHE WILL OWE YOU CHILD SUPPORT! It's the law!!!

AND BUDDY WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, GO FOR SPOUSAL SUPPORT TOO!!!!

[pbetra]

Matt, just read the latest developments!
Hope all worked out FOR you. I agree with all re: letting lawyer handle this , MLCers are just too manipulative & unstable.

I felt a bit weary of her coming over prior to your speaking to lawyer. Can't trust anything re her, but she's entitled to personal stuff. Hope you are ok.

Anyway, I know that you must have had a full day. Must be drained - hope all went well.
Take care, Matt.

[Matt165]

Well, I need to tell everyone how the day went. Not very well, in the end.

W and her BF came over very early. I had gotten a lot of the stuff she wanted out and ready. At first all was well. Each time my W left us alone her BF would tell how she and most of W's friends think W is crazy for what she is doing, that a couple of people we knew through her work that no longer work with he won't even speak to her because when they said how much they liked me W went off on them about how she is doing this for her and it's none of her business. She gave me advice about GALing (ha, ha) and how she didn't when her ex left her.

Well we loaded the first truck load and all was well. When they came back, W was in a bad mood. She also had the kids with her and I think she was angry that they wanted to come to my house earlier than she wanted them to. Well, she started to pack some of the things from the estate sale and when she went to pack one item, a clock, I stopped her. I said quite calmly "I would like to keep this". She didn't just say she wanted it, she went straight to total freak out mode. In front of the kids and her BF, she screamed that she bought the clock because she always listened to it at her GM's house as a child. Well, she didn't wind it right a month after we bought it and it hasn't worked since! I said that she has kept everything, that it doesn't seem right. She yelled how "nice" she has been, told me I was lying about how much we spent on her GM stuff, and ran into the bedroom and grabbed the laptop she never used because it was a Mac and said she will keep it since I want to take everything she wants.

I got angry and I did yell back. It wasn't that bad but I shouldn't have lost it. When she wouldn't stop acting like a child, I told her to take the damn clock and get out. I also told her that she will not be coming back until she sends a list to my lawyer and we come to terms on everything. At one point in all this I said she was the one who left, why does she expect to just keep the things SHE wants? She screamed that she HAD to sleep on the couch for 6 months and fine, she will move back and I can sleep on the couch, is that what I wanted? That was when I told her to just take it a go. (I may have said get the he$$ out, not sure). All this in front of the kids and her BF! I felt so bad for her BF and the girls. Once she left, I apologized to the kids for losing my cool. My D19 said not to worry and W had it coming. My D14 just said it was OK and not my fault.

The whole day I was nice, I tried to help, I loaded the stuff for her. Heck, if the clock was so important to her if she had just talked to me about it, I probably would have let her have it. But of course she acted the same way about all the things we got at that estate sale. How can someone who cares so little about her own family care so much about her "family" things? Why do things matter so much to her but the fact that her D19 now has no real choice but to live with her boyfriend if she wants to go to school because her mom won't help her out and I can't no matter on bit? How can she really believe that she has been "fair" when she left me with less than zero money in the bank and me needing to buy food for my D's and pay the bills?

Yes, I know the answer. She is in MLC and can't think of anything BUT herself. She can't even act like an adult! To scream and run and grab the laptop she knows I need and can't afford to replace like a little kid saying "Fine, I'll take this!" like a kid taking his ball because he didn't get his way, proves she isn't in her right mind. I feel bad for the kids but now that things have calmed down, tjhey both say that they agree that their mom has been acting like a child. That she thinks of nothing but herself, even when I'm not around.

I will take some time to calm down before I proceed but I'm sure at this point I will need to talk to my lawyer and tell him that she has been taking things before coming to an agreement and ask him what he thinks I need to do now to protect myself.

So, almost got away without the freak out and pain but couldn't make it through a full day without her going off the deep end!

[juliegayle]

Matt

Sorry the day turned badly. You hit the nail on the head. She is ac ting like a child ruled by emotions and thinking only of herself. (It is sad your girls had to see it) you need to be the adult and the responsibile thing to do now is let your attny handle things going forward.

I am not yet at this phase by am paying close attention to all the good advice you are getting.

[Wonka]

Matt,

MLCers are in a me, me, me, ME mode during the crisis. Sorry to see that your W continues on a destructive path and I'd be on the phone with the L pronto to figure out a way out to protect your interests.

[pbetra]

Matt,

Don't worry about it too much re: your girls ... you explained - they understood (keep communication lines open) & be ready next time re attorney. It's DONE, it's behind you now. No matter what she says don't oblige without legal counsel.

It's unfortunate that it turned out that way, but really, the odds can be often stacked against you/all LBSs this way, because the MLCer is so very TOXIC & unstable! The LBS has to cope with the abandonment, the sudden importance of detaching (as though there was no love, history) & then on top of that maintain emotional cool!! All while dealing with 'life' - because time is not standng still for us, is it?

Be good to yourself, if you are not, who is - your W??! Don't worry, just take care & prepare for round 2 - because she's coming again in some other crazy way ...

Be ready as much as possible re: the next time. I don't know what you/anyone else thinks of this, but I wouldn't even take her calls next time (after an initial request if unreasonable& persistent), until I have heard from lawyer.

We're here & cheering for you Matt!
p.

[Matt165]

Thanks pbetra, Julie and Wonka,
I hate losing my cool and my W has a way to make me do just that. I knew she wouldn't like me keeping any of the estate sale things but I didn't expect her to lose it so fast and act so badly. My D19 made an observation that W just doesn't "get" the D process. She was the one to file after saying she wasn't going to and even offered to answer MY questions after going to a lawyer but for her to believe that until she gets the things out of the house that she wants, nothing more can move forward is so wrong headed. It seems whatever she wants the process to be is how it actually is. I think the thing that I was most shocked about is how she went on about her having to sleep on the couch for 6 months, like I told her she had to or something. That was her choice and there was no real reason except that she didn't want to sleep in the same bed with me. Heck, I even offered to sleep out there several times when she complained about it. I gave her nothing but space, didn't ask a thing from her and she still wanted to blame me for her unhappiness and stress. It appears now she is using the fact that she hasn't gotten all the "stuff" she wants from the house as a reason for her "stress". I guess it's hard to blame me when I live 26 miles away. The thing I wish most today is that I hadn't allowed her to take the clock. Once again by having a tantrum she got what she wanted. I shouldn't have let her take it as now she probably thinks that all she needs do is have a fit and she can get her way. Just like a toddler!

I spoke with my D19 on my way to meeting up with her boyfriend. She doesn't really want to live with him (of course part of her does but..)realizes that it's not a good idea but at the same time she just wants to get on with her life. She said her mom told her if she lived with her she would be able to get a job and she would help her but she doesn't want to live with her the way she has been acting and she couldn't go to school (too far away). I told her how sorry I was that I can't do more and she said she understands and she knows I would do more if I could and she is open to moving back home with me once she is able and I am making more. She is scared about being on her own but at the same time excited. This isn't how this was supposed to go. I wanted to be able to help her, give her the stability of being at home while she worked her way to moving on with her life and my W has now made this impossible at least for now. My D14 has been staying with my MIL and she told me my MIL cries almost every day because of what my W is doing. That she gets off the phone from talking to my W about the D and she is in tears. So many people are being hurt and all my W thinks about is "stuff". Why does "family" things mean so much to her but at the same time she is so easily destroying her own family?

I know what you mean about the detaching and needing to forget the history and love of so many years that seemed to just disappear overnight. The early months where you just can't believe this is the person you've been M to for so very long and the trying to figure out where YOU went wrong. The thinking that there must be SOMETHING you can do to make the M work. The expecting your S to at least want to try, if possible, to work things out and then watching them just run faster and faster. The only thing that has kept me sane is knowing about MLC and why she is doing the things she is and acting the way she is.
As for the phone calls, this is the first time she has called since she left. She has texted once or twice but she won't even text me about picking up my D14. She texts my D and when I told her to please text ME not a 14 year old she said she assumed my D would let me know! Come on, that's just juvenile to count on a 14 year old to be a go between when all she has to do is text me instead of her. Par for the course I guess.

As much as I hate to have to do it, I am going to get in touch with my lawyer and see about how we can avoid all this in the future. There is also the matter of the $100 phone bill of hers I had to pay that she refuses to pay me back for. It is going to end up costing her much more than $100 if I have to have my lawyer to send the bill to HER lawyer who is most likely going to tell her she has to pay it. I didn't want to start doing that kind of petty crap but if she is going to act like this, I have no choice. When all this started my W stated that D didn't hurt kids, it's how the parents acted after and during that hurt them. She said as long as we acted like "adults" they would be fine and she would be a better mother since she would finally be "happy". I wonder how she thinks the way she is acting is "adult" and if she still thinks she is a "better" mother yet. Actually I'm sure it hasn't crossed her mind as it's not about her and what she wants.

I was surprised at how nice her best friend was. How she told me that she thinks what my W is doing is so wrong. That I'm such a "great guy" and how many of the people my W knows are even angry about what she is doing. I also feel badly about her having to be there for the blow up. I was thinking I should send her a message saying how sorry I was that the day ended so badly. I think I can trust her to not say anything to my W if I ask her not to but then again, she is my W's friend. I need to think on that one. Time to get on with MY life and understand I just can't control anything that my W says or does and just deal with her as things happen but be prepared for anything from this point forward.

Thanks for the support everyone. Not sure what I would do without all of you!